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In this article:
- Possible reasons
- How to find out the reason?
- What to do?
- Are there times when a problem cannot be solved?
Fatigue, lack of sleep, lack of time for oneself, postpartum syndrome - all this haunts a woman in the first weeks after childbirth. It is not so easy to adapt to a new regime, and the spouse does not pay any attention to the child. What to do if the husband does not approach the newborn, and why he behaves this way is a question that every second woman asks herself.
The birth of a child inevitably creates a crisis situation in the family. Most spouses face misunderstandings. Women are angry with fathers, and they are angry with mothers, because they believe that only women should take care of the child. Men do not understand that for the harmonious development of the baby, communication with the father is just as important as communication with the mother. However, misunderstanding is not the only reason for fatherly coldness.
Possible reasons
Why does the husband not pay attention to the child:
There is no “parental instinct”
Whether it appears or not depends on a number of reasons: the internal attitudes and values of the parent, close emotional communication with the child in the first 36 hours, the mental balance of the parent, emotional involvement in pregnancy and childbirth.
Men often find themselves left out of the process of bearing a child, and in most families, boys are instilled with rigidity and attitudes towards the role of breadwinner from childhood. If a man behaved distantly during pregnancy, then you should not expect drastic changes after the birth of the baby. Read more about maternal instinct →
Jealousy
Dissolving in the child, women forget to pay attention to their husband and take care of him. There is no food in the house, there is a mess, there is no sex, the wife sleeps in another room - who will like it. Jealousy gives rise to resentment towards the woman and hatred towards the child.
Fear of harming the child
Men are afraid of causing physical harm, crushing, dropping, feeding incorrectly or changing diapers.
“You are a mother, you know better”
Almost all men believe that women are programmed to bear and raise children and care for them. As if all knowledge and skills were given to them from birth.
Suppression by a woman, displacement of a husband by grandmother or sisters, nannies
Some mothers create a secluded little world where there are only them and their children, sometimes other women. Men are not allowed there. Some people don’t need this, others get tired after 15-20 attempts to get closer to their wife, find out how she is feeling, go shopping together, etc.
The birth of a child is stressful for all family members
Men also get tired and can also become depressed. Respect your partner, take an interest in his life. Myths about postpartum depression →
How to find out the reason?
The reason can only be found out through a confidential conversation with a partner. You need to find out the motives for a man’s behavior in a calm tone, without shouting, criticism or reproaches. Perhaps he is simply not ready for the role of a father, he is afraid, and therefore is looking for reasons not to appear at home (delay at work, helping a friend with repairs).
You need to ask for help, explain the importance of support from your husband. Or maybe a man is passionate about his career in order to provide a stable and good future for his family. We need to support him, find out how much time he still needs for this. If the problem is your behavior, annoying relatives, then you need to work on it. The action plan depends on the reasons, and they are individual in each case. You can only understand a person's motives by talking to him.
What to do?
The best option is to practice prevention. That is, go with your husband to gynecological consultations, talk about your feelings, distribute child care responsibilities in advance, and explain the importance of interaction with both parents. There should be a trusting, close relationship between a man and a woman.
But what to do if the moment is missed, the child is born, and the father is cold? Talk. It is impossible to force a husband to pay attention to the child by force, manipulation, or reproaches. He must want it himself.
How to awaken fatherly feelings and a desire to help his wife in a husband:
- Encourage the desire to care for the child. Some women themselves stop contact between dad and baby: “You’re feeding him wrong, he’s swallowing air like that,” “You’re wearing the diaper wrong, it’s rubbing,” “You’re rocking him wrong.” Praise, words of gratitude and polite requests are the basis of good relationships and positive motivation.
- Explain that you also did not know and did not know how to handle a child until you experienced this personally. You also learned everything, but you also didn’t succeed in some things. Nowadays, there are so many books, forums, videos, programs and training courses in real life that learning how to care for a child is much easier, and the process itself has become more exciting. But everyone has to learn: both men and women. Offer your help to your husband, teach him what you already know.
- Trust your husband, don’t be afraid to leave him alone with the child. Agree that once a week you arrange your day or at least devote a few hours to yourself. At this time, you can go to the gym, spa, or meet with friends. Or you can agree that on his day off the man takes care of the child, does household chores, and you work. A great option for those mothers who want to keep their jobs. This is quite honest and fair, and then the husband will not be able to say that he is the breadwinner, he is the only one tired at work, etc. One day alone with the child and household chores will be enough for the partner to realize that maternity leave cannot be called rest and vacation.
- It will be great if a man takes a vacation for the first two weeks after giving birth. This time is enough for the family to be rebuilt and a world of three people to be created.
- Share your expectations about the roles of father and mother, husband and wife. Forget about the “I could have guessed” attitude; learn to speak directly about your needs, desires, and feelings. It is better to do this before the birth of the child, but if you treat each other with respect, the situation can be corrected at any stage.
- Men always remain children at heart, and they are also more practical and rational than women. Some men are not interested in communicating with a child until he begins to say something and move. Perhaps this is your case. But if interest awakens, then dad and baby will become one team. By that time the child will grow up, the father will not be so afraid to take him in his arms. And children's toys such as construction sets and cars will be of interest to dad himself.
Psychoanalyst and social psychologist Erich Fromm wrote about the differences between maternal and paternal love. Women love children unconditionally, but fathers love them for something. They should see the child’s achievements and be proud of him. Help your husband see this in the child, fantasize about the future together.
how to understand that your wife doesn't love you
Girls, hello everyone.
I understand that the topic has already been worn out far and wide, but I want to share my experience. Perhaps there are many girls who find themselves in the same situation as me, and my experience will be useful to you. Be careful, a lot of text!
Important: I'm not saying that my point of view is 100% correct - I'm just sharing my story and respecting the opinions of other people.
And so, if you are a girl under 30 years old, have never been married, without children, external legal factors (business, apartments, cars, etc., which you do not want to share with the MCH) and dream of marrying your lover, create a real family with him, have children, but while you live together, and you are simply afraid to ask him about it - this story is for you!
About myself: 24 years old, and all of the above is also about me. From the age of 19, I was in a relationship with someone of the same age; we studied together at the institute, hung out, traveled, lived in a dorm; neither of us even thought about marriage. But we had everything seriously, joint trips to visit our parents, New Year's Eve together, all family holidays, and so on. In general, everything was very serious, except for one moment - he “is not ready to get married yet”, “he needs to earn money for an apartment”, “earn money for a car”, “get on his feet”, “let’s live together for a year, look at each other in everyday life “,” “We’ll sign in a year,” “We’ll sign in September,” “We’ll sign in the spring,” “We’ll sign next year.” And all that banal stuff. Let me explain: the stamp doesn’t matter to me, the person’s intentions would be enough. Hear from him: “Marry me,” “I want you to be my wife,” “I want to share my whole life with you.” Naturally, I have never heard such words. We lived together, but we had separate budgets. I cooked, cleaned, washed his shirts, renovated his apartment, slept with him, but somewhere in my soul the cats were always scratching. And you go around beating yourself up: “Why doesn’t he get married,” “What’s the reason,” “What’s wrong with me,” “And I’m ashamed to ask.” And then, after living together for 1.5 years and realizing that nothing was changing in our lives and there was no talk of marriage, he was frozen on this topic, I decided to dot all the i's. And she pulled him into a serious conversation!
The conversation was about everything: how do you see our relationship going forward, how many children do you want, when do you want children, how much money do you need for children, how will we save and put them aside, when are you thinking of signing up and how do you imagine all this? It turned out that my boyfriend didn’t think about anything like that at all, even though he was under pressure from all sides (parents, me, at work, society), it turned out that he had doubts about the fact that he wanted to share his life with me ! That is, he lives and lives, he feels good, comfortable and convenient, but he can’t imagine his future with me! He has a lot of doubts about my character, about our relationship, “there’s no passion anymore,” “you’re kind of cold and anxious all the time” blah blah blah.
Thank you for the honesty on his part, since many men again at such moments simply begin to make stupid excuses and again theirs: “I’m still too young, I’m not ready, I don’t have money, and so on.”
In the end, I left him and live on my own!
The conclusion is this: girls, don’t be afraid to talk “about marriage” if it’s important to you, if you feel anxious and uncomfortable, if something is bothering you. Over time, every man can understand his plans and intentions. If a man loves you and just hasn’t thought about it yet, then he will propose to you on the same day!
If he starts to fool his head that “you still need to wait, get on your feet blah blah blah,” move out! Don't waste your time, your youth, on that person! Leave and don’t doubt it (oh how difficult it is to do this, I’m like that myself). If a man really loves you, he will marry and take responsibility for his family, but if not, it is better to find out about it now than in 10 years with two children and a mortgage.
Are there times when a problem cannot be solved?
Yes, such cases happen. We are talking about those situations when the husband does not help with the newborn because he did not want the child and does not love the woman. Some women, trying to save their family or keep their husbands, use a trick: they say that they are taking contraceptives, but they themselves do not, or they come up with another way to get pregnant. But this can hardly be called a trick, rather a fatal mistake.
Such stories end with the woman being left alone with the child. Or a man, out of a sense of duty, remains in the family, but the relationship between the spouses leaves much to be desired, as does the father’s attitude towards the baby. In such a situation, dad is not only cold, but also cruel.
Thus, you should not immediately panic, blame yourself and your husband for being bad parents, and the marriage is falling apart at the seams. Try to understand the motives of your partner’s behavior, analyze your and his actions. Learn to talk about your feelings and desires, respect the interests of the other person, and look at the situation through his eyes. So far, no more effective method has been invented than an honest and calm conversation. Explain that you want to understand the situation and solve the problem. You don’t look for the guilty, don’t reproach, don’t force. You want to understand your spouse, you care about the well-being of the family and each of its members.
Photo: ru.freepik.com
Why are there different attitudes towards children?
Most often, boys suffer more because in conflict situations, they are more likely to show aggression and are more prone to breaking rules than girls. The behavior of girls is perceived by parents as more loyal, and, as parents note, it is easier to communicate with them. In emotional quarrels and conflicts, boys are more likely to be rude and express negative emotions more clearly, while girls remain calmer and more restrained, without provoking a negative attitude towards themselves. Girls are more inclined to show care and make compromises, so they are perceived as those family members who will take care of their parents in old age. The control of younger children seems to be determined by age, and not by the number of their appearance.
Of course, there are situations when a husband does not love a child because it is not his own, but from another man. All of the studies mentioned were in situations where the parents were biological.
The article was prepared by me based on materials from the journal “Psychological Research”
