How to learn to live for yourself when your children grow up. 5 Ways to Start Your Life Once Your Kids Are Grown Up
Many people experience a feeling of devastation, loss and collapse of the familiar world when their children grow up, or even leave the “native nest” altogether. And even if you maintain a warm, close relationship with them, life changes once and for all. Based on the work of modern psychologists, we can give several effective and useful ways to return bright colors to her and find her new path.
Allow yourself to relax
The fact that descendants no longer need parental care gives many opportunities - not to cook a three-course lunch and eat unhealthy candies for dinner, to spend extra money on their whims. Sometimes, in order to save yourself, you need to surrender to the flow and give your brain a break from all the little things and anxieties that accompanied life for the sake of children. It is useful to put aside all serious matters and devote time to introspection, for which best-selling self-development books can be useful. And with a high probability, soon the picture of how to live further will begin to appear like a photograph from a film camera, overgrown with details.
Decide on the impossible
Over the years of raising children, it is easy to accumulate unfulfilled dreams - to go on a kayaking trip, sing rock while cleaning the house, learn to paint with your fingers, or change a stable profession that allows you to feed and put on shoes for children, to a job that is less profitable, but attractive at the call of your heart. To start a new life, it is useful to delight yourself every day with what was previously unattainable or put off as unimportant.
Help others
This classic method of psychotherapy was known back in Ancient Rome - a person should feel better if he finds those who have it worse than him and gives them a helping hand. You can become a volunteer in a charitable organization, for example, visiting animals in a shelter that need communication with people for socialization (and of course, they will always need food and toys). Or you can take part in a “plant a tree!” style event. in the local park - thus, you will be able to make a useful contribution to the world ecology.
Change the world around you
A person’s psycho-emotional state is largely tied to his environment. If it is impossible to make cosmetic repairs in the house, it is worth at least replacing textiles (curtains, bed linen), updating the tableware. And of course, it is useful to change the style of clothing; for a woman, a new hairstyle and makeup are also useful. Changes should affect the deepest layers of reality - you can change the time of awakening/sleep, shower gel, type of tea, add a new habit, for example, talking about good things with gestures.
Keep a diary
Naturally, this must be absolutely secret. After all, it is necessary to openly share all your experiences, throw out negativity, record dreams and, so as not to forget, cute little things. The diary is useful even for those with phenomenal memory - after all, it sets out not only the facts, but also their perception at a certain point in time. And one day, re-reading it, it will be possible to understand how much you can change your everyday life the way you intended.
To summarize, it is worth noting that it is impossible to say exactly how long it will take to start living again. A month or six months? The length of the “adaptation” period is individual, the main thing is not to despair and not to stray from the right course.
The children have grown up. How to live further?
I want to ask for advice. My children have grown up. My husband and I don’t understand how to move on. My son got married a long time ago and has his own house. It was hard, we were bored, but my daughter was in the family. Now my daughter got married, and they moved to live with their husband. Then suddenly the house seemed empty without my girl. Of course, I’m happy for my girl, but I’m very scared of the loneliness that lies ahead for me and my husband. After all, all this free time and rooms that seem to be empty. My husband and I have been concentrating all our attention on our girl lately. And now we don’t even know what to do with it. We are so confused, please help us with advice. What do we need to do to make the feeling of loneliness leave us? After all, we really want to get our children back.
Maria, 58 years old
Today, not only for modern elderly parents, urban, but also for rural ones, the departure of children from the family is a big problem. But every problem must be dealt with. There is a lot of advice on improving the quality of life in your free time from children, and even on acquiring a new life at a completely old age. There are even practices such as the revival of personality, because those parents who suffer from loneliness without children were usually devoted to them without reserve.
Most parents cry at their children's weddings. Although there is no doubt that such tears are just an excess of emotions, often fathers and mothers cry over the end of a certain period. Because a new period of life awaits them, the family will exist without the chicks that have already grown up and flown away. The children have grown up. It is unclear how to live further... The parents were left alone, abandoned by their children, upset and all in sadness. Is this how it should be?
The most important thing is to have an optimistic attitude and look joyfully into the future. Many parents are afraid of change, but thinking that change will be worse is completely wrong. You need to look at the future from a completely different angle, because when your child left you, you have a lot more time for yourself. Well, and of course, for her beloved husband, this concerns the sadness of mothers. Mothers have less worries and responsibilities. For example, responsibilities such as daily breakfast for three, a spouse and children. Only your beloved husband is at your disposal. Or you no longer have to worry about who your daughter is with and where she is, now she is under the wing of her family. Concerns about the daughter’s late return have already sunk into oblivion, and this is positive news that cannot but rejoice.
To begin with, we emphasize that if such a feeling of loss appears, then do not despair; this is a completely natural feeling. Because for many years, almost all your thoughts were focused on your child. Whether it's a daughter or a son, it makes no difference. Well, what happens is that now you just need to stop thinking about sadness, but this is not easy for all parents. Just get over this little sadness. You should switch to your partner.
Just because your children have grown up and moved away does not mean that you are completely alone. After all, a husband and wife sometimes experience such feelings, try to share your feelings together. After talking with your spouse, start working on your relationship, discover something new. Surely, with the advent of time, routine and vanity have formed in your relationship. After all, for a woman, caring for a child or a house always came to the fore; if there were loans, then thoughts about them; for a man, debts, family responsibilities and children were also in the foreground. It's time for you to free yourself a little and look at life in a completely different way. Surround your spouse with attention and care. Children have grown up - this is a new stage in their life and yours! Live it with dignity and joy!
How to learn to live here and now. Closer to the present
Any person can learn to live “here and now.” But, as a rule, he doesn’t do this because he’s too busy. The paradox is that simple exercises in order to be more present in the present will take no more than 10 minutes a day.
Start paying attention to where you are at the moment - in reality or in imaginary worlds. You can set yourself an alarm (or a reminder on your phone) for every hour. And when the signal sounds, ask yourself: where am I? If it turns out that you are always not here, but in dreams, memories or plans, you need to do something about it.
You can play with one simple thought (you don’t have to religiously believe in it). Imagine that everything that is happening now is the only thing you have. The past is memories. The future is imaginary pictures. You have nothing but now. It’s a little uncomfortable, but it also “inserts” at the same time. Everything around you becomes an order of magnitude brighter, and life gains strength.
If you accept this philosophy, a simple conclusion follows: everything good in life must be realized right on the spot, here and now. Either it already exists in the form of at least an embryo - or it will never exist. So you can no longer think: I want love, and for the sake of this I will endure the bullying of my beloved for now. I want to live in luxury, and therefore today I will eat Doshirak.
At any moment you can stop, look around and ask yourself: “What do I like here and what don’t?” And what can you change right now (turn off the stupid radio, remove an expensive but disgusting painting from the wall, wipe off the dust, call someone). Another way to put the question is: how can I feel more joy right now, in this very moment, without leaving my seat? This is an order of magnitude more important than any grandiose plans.
How to learn to live alone. How to learn to live alone
Loneliness as a way of life can be chosen consciously due to the characteristics of a person’s character or other reasons. It can also be forced, when a person would be happy to live among close people and friends, but he does not have such an opportunity.
You will need
- — a gym or swimming pool membership;
- - ticket to a movie or theater;
- — emergency phone numbers;
- — voucher for a tourist trip;
- - Internet.
Instructions
1
Learn to rely only on yourself in everything, it is difficult, but doable. Remember that you will decide all issues concerning you and your life yourself. This means that no one will dial the emergency number for you if you need her help, no one will run to the pharmacy if you are sick, etc. There is a way out: stock up on the necessary medications and the necessary phone numbers.
2
If your loneliness is forced, for example, you got divorced and are left alone, consider the fact that time flows, everything changes, nothing lasts forever. Remember the inscription on King Solomon's ring? "All will pass. This too will pass." To quickly get used to loneliness, remove all things that remind you of your ex-husband or spouse away from your eyes. If possible, renovate the apartment, change the furniture, etc. Don’t feel sorry for yourself and don’t live in the past, make plans for the future, gradually erasing from your memory all the exciting moments of your previous life.
3
Don't get depressed. To do this, get busy - you can get an additional job, enroll in various sections, etc. If loneliness bothers you, remember that no one forces you to sit within four walls; you can always find a way to be in public: go to the theater, exhibitions, cinema, library, cafe, etc.
4
Use the Internet: participate in various forums, communicate on social networks, find pen pals. And you will no longer feel your loneliness so acutely. Discuss problems that concern you with virtual acquaintances, visit interesting sites with educational information, expand your horizons - this way you will derive undoubted benefits from solitude.
5
Make your loneliness your own privilege. Just think: many people dream of carving out an extra minute for themselves so they can leisurely read a book, take a bath, listen to their favorite music, etc. You have this opportunity, you are your own boss and can distribute your personal time as your heart desires.
6
If you are left alone as a result of the death of someone close to you, be prepared to take time to process the loss. In this case, the advice remains almost the same as in case of divorce - don’t stay too long in the apartment, find additional activities for yourself, be in public more often, fight depression, etc. It’s hard to experience loss alone, so if there’s even the slightest opportunity, go visit relatives for a while or go on a tourist trip, change your surroundings, get distracted and unwind.
7
Try not to go too far with choosing loneliness as a way of life. Don’t avoid contact with people - you live in society and you will still have to communicate with store clerks, doctors, work colleagues, etc. in one way or another. Of course, here too, if you wish, you can find certain compromises, for example, order groceries to your home, use traditional medicine recipes, and use freelancing to earn money. But will you find happiness by achieving complete solitude?
note
Always remember to turn on the gas, water or electrical appliances - if you forget about them, there will be no one to turn off the stove or iron, and a fire may occur. In a word, loneliness, forced or chosen, is also an additional responsibility.
Helpful advice
If you suffer from loneliness, try to change the situation: go to clubs and dating sites, choose crowded streets and parks for walks, develop a positive outlook. Do not cultivate sadness and melancholy in yourself, do not watch sad films or read books whose plot intersects with your problem. Remember that there are a lot of lonely people in the world, strive to help find joy and happiness not only for yourself, but also for them.
Do you want to be happy parents? Wait until the kids grow up and move out
Remember the scientific studies that claimed that people without children are happier? It turns out that most of these works took into account the well-being of parents during the period when they still lived with their children. It may have provided an incomplete picture of parenting because it captured people's subjective assessments of well-being at a time when they had less free time, sleep and money. In a study published in the journal PLOS ONE, researchers took a new approach to measuring parental happiness.
Christopher Becker, a scientist at the University of Heidelberg in Germany, and his colleagues were interested in how parents of children who had already grown up and left home felt. To do this, they analyzed survey data on the emotional well-being of 55 thousand people over 50 years old from 16 European countries.
Becker's work found that in this age group, people who had children felt more satisfied with their lives and suffered less from depression than their peers without children. It was also noted that they, unlike childless people of the same age, were less likely to suffer from depression. However, these positive aspects of parenting were observed only when children began living separately.
According to Becker, this effect may be explained by the fact that when children begin their independent lives, they still continue to communicate with their parents, but this communication no longer involves the daily stress associated with parenting. Adult children can also take care of their parents and help them financially. Social interaction and communication with adult children in themselves bring positive emotions and, apparently, outweigh the negative experiences gained during the time of cohabitation with growing children.
University of Utah professor Nicholas Wolfinger analyzed the results of a similar 2020 study and confirmed that parents aged 50 to 70 whose “empty nest” were five to six percent of the time were happier than parents who were still living with children.
For parents who don't want to delay happiness until their children are separated, Wolfinger suggests moving to a country with better parenting support. A 2020 study found that even parents who live with children fare slightly better than childless people if they live in Norway, Portugal or Sweden. It is in these countries that the most pleasant maternity payments, generous subsidies for child care, vacations and sick leave are available. Although, according to the same study, in Russia parents feel 0.7 percent happier than people without children.
How to learn to live for yourself, and not for others. You need to live for yourself, not for others
I don’t know, but I’m frankly annoyed by women who are ready to put their lives and souls on the chopping block of family well-being. It’s better if I don’t get enough sleep, but the house will be clean, and in the morning there will be breakfast for the whole family. I’d rather not buy a blouse or shoes for myself, but I will buy extra dumplings for my husband and children. I’d rather not go to the cinema with my girlfriends, as long as my husband doesn’t swear, and God forbid he has to learn algebra with his eldest son at this time. Yes, there are any number of examples, almost every family has this.
And why should a woman live to please the whole family, forgetting about herself? That’s what I don’t want and won’t do. At first my husband also hesitated, asking why you cook borscht-cutlets like others three times a day. But because I don’t want to. And I also need time for myself. Get a manicure and hair done. Moreover, I am frugal, I do everything at home myself. But this takes time. And I like to take a bath for an hour. And in the evening I like to watch my favorite TV series, rather than scrub windows or wash curtains, like my neighbors. I also need time to exercise in the morning to be alert. And the husband can make coffee and sandwiches at this time, since he doesn’t respect sports. Why not?
When I come home from work, I don’t really care what happens around me. Who ever said that only a woman should take care of feeding the family? I offered to cook dinner and breakfast for my husband in turns, but he always refused. I kept thinking that I would break, and I sat there hungry. It’s easier for me, I trampled a leaf of lettuce with a piece of black bread, and dinner was a success. But he needs more calories. So my dear friend learned to cook. Now we take turns and try.
The same goes for household chores. Where does it say that I should wash the curtains or iron the laces every evening? Everyone is an adult and can look after themselves. No one puts a lock on a washing machine. For a vacuum cleaner too. Do you want to pamper yourself? Yes please. But to sit and puff that a woman should do everything is nonsense. My husband didn’t know how to do anything before, but now he’s learned everything. Only his mother cackles forever that I’m bad. I don't care. He loves me, he is with me. The main thing is that we are both happy. Why isn't everyone like this?
I remember once, in the first couple of years of our married life, my husband took away all the clean T-shirts, without thinking about washing and the fact that clean things don’t grow on trees. And when they ran out, this guy comes up to me with a complaint - where are my T-shirts? There isn't a single one in the closet! I tell him - but there’s a whole bunch of dirty laundry in the basket, go and wash it. He's so surprised. Like, what am I doing? You're a woman!
As you understand, we no longer have such problems. And by the way, mothers of sons - stop wiping their butts already, otherwise you might come across someone like me in life.
Learn to do your favorite things
You finally have time for this! Didn't learn to play the violin because you had to take your little son and daughter to classes and then work overtime to help them get a higher education? Now is the time!
What would you like to do that pleases your soul and inspires you? And treat these desires with respect: don’t think that growing orchids or participating in a cat show is nonsense, and it’s better to spend this time on activities with your grandchildren.
These are things that can now fill your own life, will delight you and make you happy. They will distract you and prevent you from feeling sad about the fact that your children need you much less than before.
