Child and criticism. article on the topic
How to teach your child to respond correctly to criticism.
In my work with preschool children, I often encountered the problem of children’s inability to adequately respond to criticism and comments addressed to them.
Preschool children have not yet developed a stable psyche, which is why it is difficult for them to calmly withstand comments.
This is not surprising when a child is upset and offended and does not want to see those who criticized him anymore. The main thing to understand is that a child must be taught to adequately perceive criticism from others in order to exist safely in society. What to do in this case? How to teach your child to respond correctly to the words of strangers?
First of all, every parent must come to the understanding that criticism is very important in the development of a child, in the formation of his personality. If the teacher does not point out the student’s mistakes and does not correct him, then how will the child understand what he did wrong and what he did right? How can we talk about education in general in this case?
In order to teach a child to respond correctly to criticism addressed to them, parents, first of all, need to learn how to properly respond to the child’s behavior in response to criticism.
The kid painted new wallpaper. Mom scolded him, and in response the child threw a tantrum. What is mom doing?! She runs to calm him down. His mother calmed down her child, he no longer cries, but what model of reaction to criticism did she form in him? The baby realized that as soon as he showed tears, his mother would immediately forgive him, and he began to use this model of behavior with other adults. It might be better to leave the hysterical child alone and go into another room. Hysterics need spectators, so the child, having lost the spectator, will immediately calm down. Now it makes sense to talk to the child, explain why you reprimanded him and who is to blame.
The child must understand that criticism is not a personal insult. Explain to your child that he should not take her to heart. After all, every person has his own opinion, and everyone has it different. Explain that criticism is a person’s point of view about the child’s work or actions, but does not express the person’s personal attitude towards him. Try to teach your child to calmly listen to criticism, analyze the remark made to him and respond. If he is sure that he made a mistake, then he should admit it and seek help. If the child believes that he was right, he must calmly argue his opinion or actions, prove that he was right in all possible ways. It is very important to teach a child to defend his point of view not with tears, screams and yelling, but to explain the reasons for his actions in a calm tone. The example of adults plays an important role in the formation of these skills. It is the behavior of the parents that forms the child’s idea of how to act in a given situation.
It happens that a child comes home from kindergarten upset and complains to his parents that the teacher scolded him. Explain to your child that the teacher has the right to criticize, because he strives for children to become better, and criticism is a kind of impetus that encourages them to develop. Criticism makes it possible not to stand still, to correctly evaluate one’s actions, and to draw objective conclusions.
If you think that the teacher unfairly criticized your child, talk about it with the teacher in person, but never speak badly about the teacher in the presence of the child, because this can lower his authority in the eyes of the child, and this will lead to new problems .
How to properly criticize a child
3. Criticize the action, not the child.
A child is always good and loved, but he can do the wrong thing. It is unacceptable to say: “Are you blind?”, “Are your hands crooked?”, “God granted me incompetence” - criticism should motivate, so it is important not just to list shortcomings and behavioral errors, but to explain their consequences and show the possibility of correcting the situation. The ability to correct mistakes is much more important than the ability not to make them. There are no ideal people.
4. Do not criticize your child in front of other people.
Criticism in itself is traumatic, and in the presence of third parties, comments are perceived more painfully. The realization that you did something badly is not as scary as publicity. A remark made tactfully and discreetly evokes a desire to quickly fix everything. Criticism expressed out loud provokes negativity and a desire to close down. Criticism in front of other people humiliates the child.
5. Offer an alternative
When criticizing, you need to point out what needs to be done to make it better - this is parental wisdom. Kindly and without unnecessary moralizing, you can try to “work on mistakes” by discussing possible options for behavior and choosing the most effective ones.
6. Don't go back to past mistakes.
You should not aggravate children's feelings of guilt and feelings of inferiority by endlessly reminding them of past mistakes - this offends and lowers self-esteem. It’s unpleasant to listen to about your own shortcomings, so there is a strong desire to stop communicating, “to withdraw into your shell” and, perhaps, remain unconvinced. The offense should be discussed once, then close the topic.
7. For one criticism - seven praises
It is important not to overdo it with criticism. You need to praise your child much more often than criticize him. Psychologists believe that for every one criticism there should be seven praises. In this case, the child will believe in himself and look for an opportunity to improve. Criticism is, of course, important and necessary, but it always makes a person want to justify himself. This is natural - any accusation requires defense. Defense is the other side of criticism. This is where its danger lies. Any praise is pleasant to a person and encourages further communication.
When criticizing, keep it in moderation. It is important not to speak out, but to convey the desired message to the child. Find the right tone, choose your words, make suggestions. And most importantly, always emphasize that you love your child.
Svetlana Sadovnikova
Photo from the site medaboutme.ru
How much does your child trust you?
Confidence in a loved one gives you peace of mind and strength to develop, create, and enjoy the new day.
When parents notice that a child withdraws into himself or difficult situations unsettle him, then the moment when the child’s trust is shaken is often already missed. By answering the test questions, you can take a fresh look at your relationship with your child. Take the test
Inner Critic and Inner Support
Inside every person there is a collective image of a parent who criticizes and who supports them. Imagine that a child is drawing something and compare two phrases said by a parent to a child in response to his difficulties:
- “What’s wrong with you again! Okay, let me finish it - and you watch!”
- “Are you worried? Look how well you did here. What do you want here? Let `s together. I will show. Try it yourself now.”
It seems that both phrases were said with care and a desire to help. But in the first phrase you can hear: “I don’t believe in you,” “You can’t”; secondly, on the contrary: “I believe that you can handle it” and “You can do even more.”
Now try to imagine yourself in the place of this child. Which of the two communication options gives you an incentive to action, to further search, to development?
The Critical Parent is the prohibitions collected in our mental experience, evaluative criticism, sanctions, prejudices, stubbornness, blackmail, taking the weak, rejection of criticism or objections addressed to oneself, rejection of otherness.
A Supportive Parent is care, constructive advice and suggestions, support, patronage, cooperation, unconditional love, faith in the abilities and capabilities of both one’s own and other people.
A critical parent “turns on” the Wounded Child in us - the one who is unsure of himself, of his abilities, closed, withdrawn, limited, afraid. The child feels that he failed, feels guilt, annoyance, disappointment. Does he want to continue drawing? Will he have the courage to try something new where, in his opinion, there is a risk of failure?
A supportive parent “activates” a Free child - one who creates, creates, strives, wants, desires, knows how to enjoy life and build trusting relationships with the world. This is a child who feels his own self-worth - i.e. the value of oneself as an individual, regardless of the results of one’s activities. He easily and openly experiments, tries, searches, communicates.
The concern of a Critical Parent results in a feeling of inferiority in the child. He always has to! It often happens that we cherish and cherish the Critic within us - after all, he wants what is best for us. And he really wants to! But what can he really do? I would say its incentives are good for short distance races - it gives results, but it absorbs a lot of strength and energy. This is extremely expensive “fuel”. A critical parent is a controlling force. But control has a downside—limitation. And the stronger the self-control, the stronger the feeling of victim inside.
If you want to run through life with a sense of freedom, with a feeling that you are truly living and loving life, then you should pay more attention to your Supportive Parent. Yes, he will not push you towards results - you are good for him even without results. But in his presence, the energy “I can” appears - the energy of free will. You do something important for you and your loved ones not because you “have to” to your critic, but because you really want to. And - a paradox - but energy and strength come, not go.
How to move from theory to practice?
- Data collection. Divide the paper in half and label the two columns “Supportive Parent” and “Critical Parent.” Write down situations when you showed this or that parent towards yourself or others. This can be done immediately, but it is better to do it over the course of a week or even a month.
- Awareness. Go through all the situations in one of the columns and try to understand what feelings prevail in them. How comfortable or uncomfortable are you in these situations? Then do the same with the second column. Compare your feelings and feel whether you want changes and in what direction.
- Tracking. Monitor yourself throughout the day. Try to start catching yourself red-handed. When did the Critic turn on in you? When did support start? Don’t rush to change yourself - first, just watch. And after the fact, think about how the situation would have changed if another parent had dealt with it.
- Change. This is exactly the last point. The better it will turn out, the less you rush yourself and the better quality you complete the rest. The task of the previous stages is to create motivation and model new reactions to familiar situations. At this stage, you begin to try to respond to situations differently. And the main thing here is not to criticize yourself for failure - this is a trap. It is important to apply the Supportive Parent to yourself first. And here I would like to return you to the beginning of the article: “Are you worried? Look how well you did here. What do you want here? Let `s together. I will show. Try it yourself now.”
Believe in yourself - this is the key to your faith in others!
Believe in others - this is the key to your faith in yourself!
The first stage is awareness
First, you need to understand that critical attitudes are rooted in the psyche not because they reflect the true state of affairs, but because of the wrong attitude of parents. At this stage, a person may usually feel angry and resentful towards his mother and father. However, in the future, as you continue to work on yourself, there should be an understanding of all the reasons that prompted the parent to such an attitude. A person begins to realize that his mother or father could not give him understanding, love and acceptance only for the reason that they themselves did not possess these values. But it is often possible to come to such an understanding only after experiencing anger and indignation towards the mother or father.
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Article:
Children inevitably make mistakes.
And often the first reaction of adults is outrage or indignation at their behavior. But if parents learn to control themselves and show a constructive approach to the problem and its solution, they will be able not only to effectively work with the mistakes and failures of their children, but also to maintain a favorable emotional atmosphere in their relationships with them. To achieve this, we suggest using the tips below. Five tips on how to properly criticize children
Tip No. 1. If you are disappointed with your child's behavior or academic performance, do not get upset or nervous, but approach the problem constructively. First, invite your child to independently evaluate what he did, using questions like “Are you happy with how you did it?”, “Are you happy with what you did?” and “Is there anything you would like to improve or do differently next time?”
Such guiding questions help the child develop the skills to independently evaluate the results of their activities, and also provide space for ingenuity and constructive imagination about how to achieve better results.
Ask children why they behave or do things the way they do, as well as what they understand about their behavior and what conclusions they draw. Ask if there is something they may need to achieve their goals - something they are currently lacking. Perhaps they feel they need help from adults to do better with their school homework, or to make a plan to watch less TV or sit in front of the computer.
Tip #2: Let your child know that you view his failure as a special case and not as a negative pattern. If your child is disappointed in his abilities, sympathize with him (“You're getting too upset about this”), and then help him develop a strategy for how to do things differently next time.
Try to involve your child in what we used to call a “Debriefing,” when all available data is collected and analyzed to find out what happened and how to prevent the undesirable situation from happening again.
In essence, analyzing mistakes is a way of healthy accepting them with the goal of correction and further growth. Eliminate from the discussion intonations like: “I’m telling you, do it this way and not otherwise” - it’s difficult for a child to accept this form of leadership.
Sometimes you just want to say something like: “I’ve already told you a thousand times to pack your school backpack in the evening and not leave it until the morning, when everyone is in a hurry and is late.” But this is not the best option to fix the problem.
It is better to remind your child of those times when he did well: “Yesterday you did a good job with your homework. Remember what helped you then that you haven’t used today?”
Explain to your children that in order to achieve their goal next time, they need to have a good understanding of which efforts are effective and which, on the contrary, waste time and energy.
Tip #3: Never allow yourself to get angry when your children make mistakes or pretend that you love them less now. Bugs are just mistakes, so when you work with them, don't limit your love. Tip #4: Accept the fact that sometimes a mediocre result is enough, so don’t torture your child with your perfectionism. Tip #5: Empathize with children when they make mistakes. Ask them how they are feeling, offer encouragement, and then get back to correcting the mistakes. For example: “Don’t be upset, everything is fine, it can be fixed.” There is no need to complain again and again about how bad everything turned out - switch your attention to the positive aspects, or at least to the fact that it no longer matters much. For example, “The first pancake is always lumpy. It always happens, son. Don't be upset".
Remember that when you criticize children (e.g., “I'm deeply disappointed in your behavior”), you lower their self-esteem, cause bad moods, dampen enthusiasm, and encourage them to view one (just) negative episode as part of a pattern that indicates that there is something wrong with them.
At the same time, if you direct your criticism not at the child’s personality, but at the process he is performing (for example, “Think about how to do this better”), then it will be easier for the child to understand what exactly he did wrong, how exactly to correct it, and even inspire better results, which research shows is a direct result of this approach.
In addition, do not forget that in some situations you can focus not on criticism for incorrectly performed actions, but on gratitude and encouragement for correct ones. Just smile and beam when your child pleases you with good achievements, or offer him another reward.
Well, now that you've read the article, you understand that all of these five tips are not teaching how to criticize children at all - they're just constructive ways to respond when you feel the urge to criticize and correct something in their behavior.
If you are struggling with your child's behavior, read our article, Discipline: The Token System.
4mama
Most often, difficulties occur during the period when it is time to take the child to kindergarten. It is then that new circumstances force the baby to react more sharply to the comments or ordinary phrases of other people. After all, there are no parents nearby, the baby has left his warm home comfort zone, and society begins to be perceived by him as something hostile and restless, hence the reaction to criticism can also be ambiguous.
What to do and how to help your child not worry too much about criticism, especially since it is often groundless or completely unconstructive, 4mama .
1. Defending your point of view. It is important to teach your child to understand and separate constructive criticism from subjective criticism. He has the right to draw a red cat or purple leaves on the trees if he wants, but in no case should he offend other children, take other people’s toys, etc. And if he is reprimanded for bad behavior, then this is quite normal.
2. Avoid pity. It is important to talk to your child and not feel sorry for him. Explain why he received criticism and how serious it is. Under no circumstances should he worry, but he needs to think and analyze. For example, “You hit Masha, she’s crying now, she’s in pain. You can't fight - it's very bad. Doesn’t it hurt when you get hit?”
