Friendship at work is much more useful and important than it might seem at first glance. Research shows that groups of co-friends make much better decisions than those in more or less “neutral” relationships. Friendship also promotes engagement and job satisfaction (not to mention just being nice to work with friends). Making friends is not always easy, especially for adults, but it can be done if you want. And psychologist Ron Friedman, in his book The Best Place To Work, gives useful advice on this topic.
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As Friedman explains, in most cases, people already have almost all the necessary “ingredients” for friendship at work (more or less close acquaintance, regular personal contact and certain similarities), usually only one is needed - sharing some secrets. According to many researchers, for friendship it is not enough just to talk - you need to share some personal information with the interlocutor. And as the “level of relationships” grows, the level of self-disclosure should also grow. When researchers at the University of Washington asked study participants about how they made friends with colleagues, they came to the conclusion that self-disclosure is important.
But sometimes in a work environment, sharing emotional, personal information can feel inappropriate. Business Insider analyzed Friedman's book, as well as the work Friendships Don't Just Happen by psychotraining author Shasta Nelson, and collected recommendations on how to do it correctly.
1. Start with a positive attitude. Friedman recommends creating positive shared experiences before sharing personal information. Your first few conversations with a colleague are of great importance, so the psychologist recommends not focusing on personal weaknesses, but demonstrating warmth and your own competence (as a specialist) to your interlocutor.
2. Don't force things. Self-disclosure, Friedman notes, is not something that needs to be rushed. Shasta Nelson advises starting small and gradually moving toward more and more personal information, becoming more confident in the process.
3. Try to make most interactions pleasant. For every negative discussion, there should be five positive ones, says Shasta Nelson. Complaints, harshness and work stress need to be very generously “diluted” with good things.
4. Look for similarities. Friedman calls similarities the main building material of friendship. He suggests starting a conversation about what you and your colleagues have in common: perhaps you support the same football club, like the same TV series, or have children around the same age.
5. Complete joint tasks. Work on joint projects that require you to work closely with your colleague to be successful. Ron Friedman believes that it is easier to communicate with people when it is clear that you are “on the same side” and cannot get the job done alone.
6. Talk about non-work related topics. The more people talk about non-work related things, the more likely they are to become friends, Friedman writes. Talk not about managers and deadlines, but about family, last weekend or hobbies.
7. Meet outside of work. Nelson recommends reserving as many very personal interactions as possible outside of work hours. She advises setting up work hours where the entire office can benefit from your friendship. Shasta Nelson believes that those who are friends should not be separated from the rest of the team, but rather included in it, be friendly not only with each other, but also with everyone else.
8. Evaluate the relationship together. Discuss your friendships—be sure to talk about the boundaries that are important to you at work, says Shasta Nelson.
She recommends asking questions like, “Are things bothering you about friendships at work?” or “What can we do to reduce anxiety?”
Friendship is friendship and work is work
Whether or not to be friends at work with your colleagues and management is, perhaps, everyone’s personal choice. Scientists agree that working in a positive team is easier and more productive for the entire company, as evidenced by the results of numerous studies. However, when it comes to real strong friendship, everything is not so simple. Close friendships with colleagues and management can cause many fatal consequences.
Stepanov, Chernov and Belov are three friends who work together in their own construction company. When friends receive another order, strange things begin to happen in the company: strikes, accidents with workers, the unexpected death of a foreman. In addition, each of the friends is hiding something, omissions breed suspicion and mistrust. Will their friendship withstand the test of difficulties, and will those responsible for the murders be found?
Watch the series “Close People” on the MIR TV channel on July 27 at 12:55.
The most dangerous friendship in a team arises between a boss and a subordinate, says Natalia Minaeva, a teacher at the Institute of Industry Management of the Russian Presidential Academy of National Economy and Public Administration.
“We all spend a lot of time at work and it is almost impossible to exclude social contacts in general and warm relationships with colleagues. However, reducing social distance can lead to negative consequences at work, especially if friendships arise between a manager and subordinates.
Managers and subordinates may experience difficulties if they need to quickly complete tasks that require pressure from the boss and a high level of psycho-emotional stress. A manager may encounter a subordinate’s reluctance to perform certain tasks and attempts to manipulate. And a subordinate may experience discomfort if the manager with whom he is friends begins to behave like a boss and not like a friend,” says the expert.
Close friendships between colleagues of the same rank can also play a cruel joke when it comes to responsibility and performance of job duties.
“Friendly relations between employees of the same rank in the organizational hierarchy do not have such a strong impact on work results. Although here, too, abuse is possible on the part of some employees who are inclined to use friendly connections to shift responsibility to their colleagues or evade job responsibilities. In my opinion, if you build friendships at work, you must always remember that friendship is friendship, and work is work,” adds Natalia Minaeva.
So one day, an experienced business coach Olga Gritsenko became a victim of friendship with her own subordinate, who wanted to change her workplace. Gritsenko sincerely believed in a warm relationship with an employee of the company until she caught her in a lie.
“The salesperson, whom I considered my friend, calls me and in a sepulchral voice asks me to fire her one day. This shocked me. When asked what happened, she replies that she had a serious quarrel with her husband, is going to get a divorce and is leaving to live with her mother in another city. There weren’t enough employees at that time, the situation was difficult, but like a woman I entered into her position, sympathized and let her go. Our sales then dropped significantly. After some time, I see happy photos with my husband on social networks, as well as the symbols of one large bank, where she got a job immediately after her dismissal. She could apply and resign properly in two weeks. But we seemed to be friends, and abandoning a friend at a difficult moment is a betrayal. Since then, I have been very careful in my friendships with employees. It requires maturity from both the manager and the employee, and such a coincidence is extremely rare,” Gritsenko told a MIR 24 correspondent.
The fact that friendship and friendliness at work are often confused does not surprise psychologists at all. Being friendly in a group is more of a rule of good manners, which does not at all indicate the presence of close relationships.
“If you look at friendship within work relationships, psychological research shows that it influences productivity and satisfaction. However, one should clearly distinguish between friendship and friendliness. If the first presupposes close, close relationships, without clear distances, then the second insures against unpleasant situations in the form of gossip and envy. Remember, by sharing information about yourself with people you do not know thoroughly, you are exposing yourself to risks for the future.
Therefore, if you do not know your partners well, you should avoid close friendships, but at the same time show friendliness, then there can be no incrimination against you. As history shows, even common goals are not always a guarantee of long-lasting friendship, because the world to this day is not without self-centered people who constantly yearn to be richer or more influential,” explained psychologist Alexander Kritsky.
Much more often, employees in a team become friends against the backdrop of general negativity, says psychologist Vania Markovich. Such friendships contribute to a decline in productivity and rarely become a resource for the enterprise.
“In fact, this issue is quite acute in ordinary companies; friendship at work is a common occurrence, but very rarely does this friendship become a resource for the enterprise. Most often, people make friends based on their personal interests, or they begin to make friends against someone, for example, the general director or another employee. This doesn't end well. Such a tandem becomes uncontrollable, people reinforce their disloyalty and negative perception of what is happening at work,” she said.
On the other hand, a special type of organization has formed in the business environment, which is built on complete trust, and the friendly relations of employees there are elevated to a cult; they are called “turquoise organizations” or “organizations of the future.” In the last century, American doctor of psychology Claire Graves published the theory of spiral dynamics, according to which a person climbs a ladder in his development. Each step has its own color. And in 2014, coach Fredric Laloux released his work “Discovering the Organizations of the Future,” where he called “turquoise organizations” the highest stage in organizational development. Such companies live without management control, they do not have KPI - instead of goals and values, and instead of managers - coaching and self-government.
“In the context of “turquoise organizations,” friendship at an enterprise, on the contrary, is encouraged, because people spend 80% of their lives at work. Based on this theory, happy and satisfied employees who come to work to meet friends, create and create are much more productive. Therefore, “turquoise organizations,” on the contrary, are structured in such a way as to create these friendly ties, a friendly atmosphere, because friends can do much more than rivals and rivals. Friends always work in a “win-win” direction, and the more this friendly team unites people, the stronger the foundation of the organization itself becomes,” added Vania Markovic.
Manager Yulia Antropova knows first-hand what true friendship that arises in the workplace is. She was lucky, her subordinate became her real best friend. The fact that this is not selfish interest is confirmed by the fact that the women have not worked together for a long time, but continue to be friends.
Friendship at work
Combine friendship and work wisely - and friendship with colleagues will become your reliable asset.
Think seriously about the topic “To be friends or not to be friends with colleagues?” we consider it frivolous. Because friendship, like other manifestations of emotions, cannot be controlled. If you have friends in your work team, this is a definite plus. In fact, you won’t give up living, friendly relationships for fear that they will interfere with your work. The question is different: how to harmoniously combine friendship and work, so that these two areas reinforce each other, but do not contradict.
- Remember that friendships and selfishness are incompatible. If you regularly benefit from the support of others, be prepared to help others in turn. Are you going on vacation and asking a colleague to “cover” your area of work during this time? Then take the trouble to replace your colleague when he asks, even if you yourself are busy and are not very inclined to burden yourself with someone else’s work.
- Know how much to help. Ideally, support should be mutual and equal. If you feel that your colleague-friend has begun to ask for help too often on issues that he could perfectly solve himself, this is a sign that you have shown an excessive willingness to assist. Sometimes you need to be able to say “no”: without aggression, not categorically, but firmly. Honesty and sincerity will not harm truly friendly relationships. And if it does damage, then there is reason to doubt the value of this relationship.
- Separate work and friendship. Going on a picnic with a group of friends, including your colleague? Keep discussions of work issues to a minimum, and ideally, completely exclude them from the weekend program. Of course, at work it is not forbidden to communicate on personal topics, but do not overuse it: the office is intended for solving business issues, at least if you want to succeed. Depending on where you are - in a work or informal setting - set the communication “switch” to the appropriate mark. This is the best way to protect both aspects of the relationship - work and friendship - from misunderstandings.
- If you have a particularly trusting relationship with one of your colleagues, do not emphasize this too diligently and take time to communicate with other employees. It’s enough to give a compliment, to help with practical advice, to encourage someone in a difficult situation. And devote your free time to communicating on informal topics.
