Every year the statistics of divorces in Russia is growing and there are more children being raised without a father. Women enter into a second marriage more meaningfully and take into account not only their preferences in the characteristics of a man, but also the feelings of their children from their first marriage, their desire or unwillingness to accept a new person into the family.
The selected candidate becomes not only a husband, but also the father of someone else’s child. And here the main thing for the mother is that the new father accepts her baby as his own. Every look of a man, every word and action towards his child will be viewed with a huge amount of criticism by a woman for a long time after marriage. Doesn't it offend you?
Is the husband fair to his adopted child? Does it give due attention? Is it possible to trust him with your beloved child and run to him for a manicure? A hundred questions flash through my mother’s head while she tries to discern the true feelings of her second husband towards the child from her first marriage. And at such moments, the mother does not at all want to give birth to a child in her second marriage.
Why don't women want to have a child in their second marriage?
Having lived together for some time, the question of having a baby together naturally arises. A man needs an heir to continue his family line. A man is a breadwinner, and he wants to leave his acquired property to his child.
But why do many women not want to have a child from their second husband? The answer lies partly in the question itself. Second marriage, the mistakes of the first are still fresh in my memory.
A woman already has a fear of being left alone with children, and the more children, the more difficulties after a divorce. Another fear, probably one of the biggest, is how will the husband treat the eldest child after the birth of his own? After all, your own baby is your own blood, your own genes, and, looking at him, the husband will guess his own features.
The husband's relatives will receive their grandson with warmth and love. It’s rare when someone else’s child evokes such feelings in new relatives. Tolerance and complacency, and sometimes ordinary indifference - yes, but not love and affection. Mothers have to endure this attitude towards their child. And what to do in such a situation?
You cannot force anyone to love, and mothers try to expose their baby to new relatives as little as possible. But if a joint baby appears, meetings will become inevitable, and grandparents will want to see the new family member more often.
How will the older child feel in such a situation? The youngest is groomed and cherished, but he will have to sit quietly and watch on the sidelines. Another reason not to have a baby in a new marriage is the fear of injuring the older child.
The parents' divorce and the feeling of uselessness, and sometimes guilt in the current situation, have already had a negative impact on the child's psyche, and the birth of a younger family member and everyone's attention to him can lead to even greater isolation and detachment.
And here, of course, one must take into account his psychological state. A lot of people come into the adult world with complexes, and often these are children from their first marriage who have not received the necessary attention and love.
If, nevertheless, the scales tip towards a joint child, the mother should definitely observe the older child, talk to him about the topic of the younger brother or sister and, if possible, consult with a child psychologist. A specialist will undoubtedly give the right advice on your psychological state and help you choose the right words.
What to do if your husband does not want a second child, and you want to give birth
But the husband is adamant. What to do? Don't lose hope! Psychologist Mikhail Grubich tells how to persuade the man you love to have a second child.
most common argument that husbands resort to is lack of money. Children today really require quite a significant cost item in the family budget. The husband is worried, and it’s quite understandable why: the responsibility for providing for four falls on him.
Expert commentary: “It’s rare that a man doesn’t feel fear when thinking about the question, “Will I be able to provide for my family?” – states Mikhail GRUBICH. – Even if his financial situation is stable today, it is far from certain that it will be the same tomorrow. You may be fired from your job, your savings may be “eaten up” by another price hike. And who said that the ultimate dream of your spouse is to “hunch over” a large family for many years, forgetting about your joys and hobbies?
It is impossible to solve this problem if only the husband works in the family. But if you really want more children, prove to your loved one that you are able to contribute to the family budget. Get a job, start your own business at home... The main thing is for a financial stream to flow from your side.”
* WILL GOD GIVE A “LAWN”?
If you can still find a separate corner or room for the first-born in the family, then difficulties arise with the second. Many couples are not against replenishment, but where to place it? And this is clearly understood, first of all, by the head of the family. Living according to the principle “God gave a bunny, he will give a lawn” is not entirely practical.
Specialist comment: “The housing issue really often becomes a “stumbling block” in the “children’s” issue,” Mikhail GRUBICH shrugs . – In our country, it has historically developed that often two or even more families live in one house or apartment (parents and their adult children, who also managed to get married and have a child). In this case, in the house they themselves feel a little like “tenants”, so the decision to increase the family will have to be agreed upon not only with the husband, but also with the parents. There is only one way out of this situation - to acquire your own housing. By the way, maternity capital, which is issued for a second child, will be a very good help here. Today, the amount that the state pays when a second “heir” appears is 616 thousand rubles. This money can become a down payment on a mortgage. In addition, if you have two children, the interest rate on a home loan is also very low - about 6 percent per annum. So, a new addition to the family can become not only a joyful event, but also a “key” to solving the housing problem. Bring your calculations to your spouse, and perhaps he will change his mind.”
* AGE IS A STUMBLING STONE
Many men do not want to have a second child, citing their age. At first he is “still too young” and “hasn’t lived for himself,” but closer to 40 he declares that he has become “too old for diapers.” But the right time is unlikely to appear in life by some miracle - you can wait forever for it and never realize your dream.
Expert's comment: “Age is one of the most common excuses,” notes Mikhail GRUBICH. “ At first, the husband dismisses even the thought of a second child, because he is waiting for the first one to grow up, and then the older part of the family will “definitely live as before.” But this hope is fundamentally wrong. If there is already a child in the family, it will not be possible to live “only for yourself” in any future. But giving up companies, friends and travel forever is also not an option.
With the right approach to upbringing, the child should smoothly integrate into the family, adapting to the lifestyle of adults. Unfortunately, it is often quite the opposite: overly fussy parents are so protective of their first-born that they forget about their own interests, sacrificing them “at the altar” of children’s whims.
But then a man celebrates his 40th birthday, and then a midlife crisis appears; he really feels “too old” for a second baby. However, age should be of more concern to women; it is they who should bear and give birth to a child. Moreover, over the years this process will become more and more difficult. A man’s task is to be a loving and caring father, which one can be at 40, 50, and even 60 years old. In addition, if you really think about old age, then children are a direct investment in your future, and only they, in a good situation, will support you in old age. Well, the stronger the family mutual assistance, the better, as we know!”
* IF HE LOVES, HE WILL UNDERSTAND
Sometimes a spouse is unable to explain why he does not even want to think about a second child. It seems like there are no housing or financial problems, but he is still categorically against it. Most likely, there is a reason, but for some reason he doesn’t name it...
Expert's comment: “There is a certain category of men - “moderate child-free” (from English - “without children”),” explains Mikhail GRUBICH. – Most likely, such heads of families did not really want a first child, but agreed to their wife’s requests or even ended up being the father “by chance.”
In this case, relying on his sentimentality, showing photographs of babies and pointing fingers at happy couples with many children is useless. Find practical reasons why a family needs children: maternal capital, care in old age. Don’t forget to list everything that a family with two children receives - state support, a preferential mortgage, and even the fact that the youngest will be accepted without a queue to the same kindergarten where the eldest goes.
The second step is to draw up an approximate distribution of responsibilities. Who will be responsible for what in caring for the baby? The husband must understand how much worse his life will become with the addition of another family member.
And the last thing: have a heart-to-heart talk - explain that this issue is very important for you, your family happiness. A loving spouse will meet you halfway sooner or later.”
* TEARS, hysterics and blackmail - ALL THIS WILL NOT WORK
Have you given all possible arguments in favor of having a new family member, but your husband is still categorically against it? Don't rush to file for divorce. Sometimes people can give a radically different answer to the same question after some time.
Expert's comment: “After a serious conversation, give your husband some time to think,” advises Mikhail GRUBICH. – Even if during the “negotiations” the spouse flatly refused to even think about a second child, your arguments will still sink into his soul. Let everything you said settle down a little in the stripes in his head, perhaps after a month or two he will form a new view of the situation. You, in turn, during this period do not put pressure on him, but resort to hints.
Repeat gently that right now you are ready to give birth and babysit your second one, but this will not always be the case. Most doctors disagree: many argue that the female body copes best with pregnancy before the age of 25, but some, on the contrary, advise giving birth after 35. However, you yourself understand that the younger you are, the easier it will be for you to cope with all the stress and hormonal surges. And with every year lost in thought, he doesn’t get any younger.
Confirm your words with the recommendations of a doctor whom your spouse trusts, and slowly remind him that the “favorable reserve of age” is dwindling day by day. The main thing is to remember that deception is unacceptable in family life. Even if a woman really wants more children, but her husband is categorically against it, unilateral decision-making is not allowed. Threats and ultimatums will not help either. This will only escalate the situation. The best way out is to hide outwardly and just wait, without stopping unobtrusive persuasion and random mentions, that is, slowly but surely direct the situation in the direction you need.”
Is a common child necessary to preserve family ties?
The relationship between a man and a woman in a second marriage is built according to two scenarios: either mutual understanding or mutual misunderstanding.
It’s good when all issues are resolved through dialogue and come to a common denominator without mutual claims and reproaches. But families are often observed where spouses do not live up to the expectations of their spouses. And if the husband in such a family tries to achieve peace of mind with the help of additional work, drinking, friends or partying, the woman begins to look for a way out in having a child together.
Or rather, it seems to her that having given birth to a man a son or daughter, he will sit at home like an attached man and experience an immense feeling of gratitude and love for his wife. Will not be.
If there is no mutual understanding, if quarrels occur frequently, of course, if these quarrels are not due to the absence of a joint baby, then after the birth of the latter nothing will change.
With the appearance of a little person in the family, internal tension only increases. It is the newborn baby that requires a lot of attention, so the mother’s main attention is focused on him.
Also, the lack of the necessary time to take care of herself makes a woman less attractive, which does not add any merit to her in the eyes of her husband. The man will begin to get even more nervous.
Constant lack of sleep, reproaches from the wife, lack of affection from the latter will do their job, and the relationship will become even worse than before the birth of the baby.
Conclusion - do not try to tie a man to yourself with the help of a child. If everything is good with each other, then the baby should be a welcome member of the family, and not a way to preserve family ties.
“My husband insists on a second child, but I don’t want to”
We have a daughter, she is 3 years old.
Talk about a second child began a long time ago, two years ago.
The husband says that he needs a son, and his daughter alone is not feeling well.
His parents support him in this.
But I do not want! The first pregnancy was difficult.
Of course, my husband tried to help with everything before and after the birth of the child.
But now I understand that I simply cannot emotionally handle two children.
It is important for me to have free time for myself, to be alone in order to recover.
I also constantly feel anxious about the future.
How will we raise two? I was raised by my mother, I was alone with her.
I assure my husband that we will have another child later.
I say this only because other answers are met with hostility.
But it turns out that I am deceiving him.
I would like to clarify, but without scandals.
I have no idea how to do this.
Antonina, 27 years old.
You assess your needs and capabilities very soberly; this is understandable and obvious to any emotionally healthy person.
Your personal resources are very important, and if you come to the conclusion that they are not enough to give birth and raise another child, you have every right to do so.
You would like to convince your husband and relatives to give up their wishes once and for all.
But I'm afraid this is impossible.
You can't stop people from wanting something, although that doesn't mean you have to make other people's dreams come true.
I think the strategy you have chosen now: setting personal boundaries and moving the conversation to the future is the most correct.
You need to get stronger, get on your feet.
The best way to deal with the problem now is to tell your family that you will return to this issue after a while.
For example, in three years.
You worry that this is a scam because you are sure that you never want to have children again.
But firstly, years later your opinion may change.
And secondly, I propose to perceive this not as deception, but as a way to postpone the final conversation.
After all, it is obvious that now your relatives are not ready to accept a categorical refusal.
They need time.
Deception is obtaining benefits by deliberately misleading another person.
Delaying the conversation about having another child is not about benefiting you, it is about protecting you.
Your husband and relatives do not take into account your needs, do not see your personal boundaries, they put pressure on you.
Their behavior can be described as emotionally aggressive.
And you have the right to defend yourself against it in every possible way.
For example, when you are attacked by a criminal, you have the right to use violence, although in a normal situation it would not be acceptable.
If you try to deceive a criminal to save your life or the life of another person, this will be an adequate defense.
I want to say that in response to emotional aggression, you have the right to resort to measures that you would not use in ordinary life.
Therefore, if you tell your husband and family that you will return to this conversation in a couple of years, this will not be an act for which you should condemn yourself.
Any emotionally healthy person will understand that you have chosen the only possible way that allows you not to break the relationship and at the same time not destroy yourself by fulfilling the demands of other people for which you do not have the resources.
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How can children born in a second marriage negatively affect a relationship?
Very often, women complain about the relationship between a child from their first marriage and a new husband. Most often, they are offended that the man did not accept her baby, could not love her as his own, and at the same time they strive to give birth to a child together as soon as possible.
They think that after the birth of a child, the awakened paternal feelings will “hook” the adopted one. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen.
If a man did not initially accept someone else’s child, this only means that he did not feel love for the mother of this child and will no longer be able to accept with his soul and heart a baby from another man. After the birth of his own blood, a man’s attitude towards his step-child may become even worse.
The latter will immediately go into the status of “big” and “stranger”. Demands and discontent towards him will only increase, indifference will appear more and more often, and the woman will have to live in two families: she and the child from her first marriage, she and the new husband and the child they share with him.
She will always need to protect her eldest child from her husband’s attacks.
When the youngest grows up, in any conflict situations the father will take the side of his child, and the mother will have to make a choice: take the side of the elder to balance the forces, which will certainly lead to resentment on the part of the husband and the younger child, or take the side of the latter, which will lead to Already the first-born will feel like an extra member of the family.
Of course, before deciding to have a child in a second marriage, a woman should definitely look at the attitude of her new husband towards the child from her first marriage.
