When you get married, you acquire not only a spouse, but also a certain number of relatives. Usually these are unfamiliar people who have recently appeared in your life, but who now need to be taken into account. And, of course, the mother-in-law occupies a special place among new relatives.
Building a relationship with a new relative
There are no universal instructions for dealing with mother-in-law. There is not even a general template, because everyone’s mothers are different, with different priorities and quirks. For one, it is important that handkerchiefs be ironed; another requires you to plow the garden beds on Sundays; the third is convinced that you should live completely differently.
But in general, the mother-in-law is not as scary as they paint her. Many women are just happy to take a break from their parenting responsibilities and finally live their own lives. So the appearance of a daughter-in-law, onto whom one can shift the care of the grown-up “boy,” is perceived with great enthusiasm.
Getting along with your mother-in-law usually doesn't require fancy tricks. First of all, you need to find common ground - what unites you. At a minimum, this is love for the same person. In addition, it may turn out that you both love embroidering, listening to Sting, or gnawing sunflower seeds. On such little things you can build, if not friendly, then at least friendly relations.
However, even if your mother-in-law openly dislikes you, all is not lost. By finding the reasons for such a cold attitude, you can correct the situation. It’s easier, of course, to refer to the fact that they are simply picking on you. But guided by such conclusions, the problem cannot be solved. So let's try to highlight the common reasons that cause tension between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Ways to overcome conflict
If the mother-in-law hates her daughter-in-law, you should not ignore the situation and let her down, since over time the conflict will progress. Experts usually advise having a frank conversation with your mother-in-law, identifying the cause of the complaints, and only then speaking your mind.
There are many ways to overcome conflicts, and here are just the most effective ones:
- try not to lose your temper, quarrel or shout;
- try to minimize communication, go to different apartments with your mother-in-law;
- try to listen to your mother-in-law’s claims, because they may certainly turn out to be objective;
- spend time with your mother-in-law, go on vacation together and try to get to know her better;
- please your relative more often with gifts and pleasant words;
- Find common topics or interests that can be discussed so as not to descend into conflicts.
Most often, those women who live together quarrel. It is catastrophically difficult for two housewives to get along in one kitchen. That is why, if a girl lives with her husband’s mother, she is doomed to constantly listen to her complaints.
If the mother-in-law hates her relative even after this, she should be taken out for a private conversation. During a conversation without shouting and mutual claims, it is recommended to clarify the situation. Once women understand why they don't like each other, they will be able to move away from arguments and reconcile with kinship.
Psychologists also advise young wives to learn to look at their mother-in-law as an ordinary woman. She has her own views on life, interests, desires. Try to become a friend for your mother-in-law, sign up to attend a dance school together, go to the theater. The more memories women have together, the easier their relationship will ultimately be.
If women cannot find a common language on their own, it is worth contacting a family psychologist. It will help you get rid of disagreements and find the long-awaited balance.
Jealousy
Ordinary female jealousy extends to sons. For a jealous mother, you are an insidious homewrecker. Here, for the most part, you need to work with your husband. Try to make every effort to avoid conflicts between mother and son. Remind him of important dates for his mother-in-law, help him choose gifts for her. Make sure he shows her signs of attention: frequent visits, phone calls, help around the house. And, of course, a kind word, because, as you know, it is pleasant for a cat. And women, regardless of their age, love primarily with their ears.
During joint visits to your parents, behave as modestly as possible: this evening does not belong to you, but to your mother-in-law and her communication with her son. Even if your father-in-law gets involved and starts complimenting you, you should thank him, but gently turn the conversation to the merits and merits of the mistress of the house.
The bitchy sister-in-law and the poor daughter-in-law, or How to make friends with your brother's wife?
Isn’t it true that such thoughts come at least once into the mind of a tenderly loving sister whose brother is getting married... Are they familiar to you too? Congratulations, you and I are sister-in-law bitches.
Our motives are clear. He is a beloved brother. Until recently, he was a friend and protector, support and shoulder. Authority. We are so accustomed to the phrase: “But I’ll tell my brother, and it will be for you...”, which had such an irresistible effect on offenders in the children’s sandbox and on classmates who indulged in clumsy advances during recess.
We are connected with him by a countless number of candies, bought and eaten secretly from our parents, petty blackmail “Mom will find out...” - and silence in exchange for the right to use the extra hour of the computer time allocated to him. We are related by long-distance cycling trips, forbidden jumps from the roof of a garage, mutual friends and amorous stories told to each other. Sometimes I was set as an example for him, but the younger sister, even with a very small age difference, as we know, cannot be an example. He is My brother, and that says it all.
And now I, my dearly beloved sister, found myself on the periphery of his life. And the axis of rotation became She, his Girlfriend. And this, apparently, is serious, based on a number of direct and indirect signs.
He changed his semi-bohemian style of clothing to a business one. He gave up smoking. In the evenings we listen to criticism of our favorite family dishes: it turns out that She cooks very well. In general, she does everything in the world well, well, almost as well as mom and, in any case, much better than me. My young man categorically disagrees with this, but his brother does not take his opinion into account.
It is clear where things are heading, since the brother began to enthusiastically talk about the delights of a quiet family life, comfort and the need for every man to perpetuate himself in offspring, preferably numerous ones. The moment of fulfilling the age-old male destiny is close, close - planting a tree, building a house, and so on.
One fine day, a fuss begins at home, because tomorrow my brother brings Her, his Girl, to the bride. No, girls have appeared in our house before, but no one washed their necks under a large neckline because of this.
And now - the appearance of Prima. The first impression is good. The face, the figure - everything is normal. Dressed for the occasion. What about the legs? Not thick, not crooked. This is the punishment. She chirped about ballet premieres and exhibitions. She’s not even a fool, that’s the problem. And he holds a fork and knife so gracefully in his hands, and talks with daddy about his difficult life as a director with such sincere sympathy... And I paid my mother a timely compliment about the combination of culinary talents and full professional realization. Hmmm... Idyll, and that’s all. My brother is melting. Mom and Dad succumbed to the Girl’s charm an hour later.
Wedding.
And then, if you please, build a relationship with your daughter-in-law. They just need to be built, because if you let everything take its course, it won’t be a hassle later.
The algorithm is verified to the smallest detail. And as old as the world. But if you approach informally, success will not be long in coming. The most important thing is to understand that it is most difficult for her now. She is “new.” Therefore, no sarcastic attacks. We keep our thoughts to ourselves. If we are invited to play the role of arbitrator, we refuse. We choose the role of her lawyer.
We don’t notice all the mistakes. We don't find fault with anything. We don't comment on clothes. More compliments. No discussions or judgment behind your eyes. We ask for advice. Very different. We cook together sometimes. To fashion shops - together if desired. It is not necessary to demonstrate your competence in everyday matters. Tea drinking, talking. Ladies' secrets. Mutual gifts. But there is no need to get into her soul.
And at some point you realize that you truly enjoy communicating with her. That she is a nice, open and honest person. And that the pleasure from this communication is apparently mutual. This happened somehow by itself, and no special “relationship building” was required.
No, we will not share this man we love - her husband and my brother. I want him to be happy. And he is so happy that he even became a little stupid. In his life, the Main Woman is She. And I will try to keep it that way always. Because My Daughter-in-Law is pure gold. And the fact that we have such a good relationship is a great merit to her. Even though she sometimes calls me “harmful sister-in-law.”
Tags: relationships, psychology of communication, daughter-in-law, wedding
The image of a good daughter-in-law
All people love to dream, especially women. Even before your son was born, your mother-in-law could have decided how he would grow up, what college he would go to, and what girl he would marry. And you, excuse me, somehow don’t fit into the idyll, you don’t fit a number of parameters. And by the age of 40-50, a person already has so many disappointments and dashed hopes behind him that you begin to perceive the person who encroached on your cherished dream as a threat. Often this attitude is formed unconsciously; the mother-in-law herself may not be aware of what exactly is wrong with you. You just don't fit her ideal picture.
If your mother-in-law dreamed of a small and quiet mousy girl for her son, and you are a showy and self-confident person, then there’s no way to cheat. You will have to earn recognition with real deeds and results. If a man feels good with you, he is often in a pleasant mood, fed, well-groomed, healthy, and conquers new heights, then an adequate mother will not be able to help but notice this. As a loving person, she will most likely recognize your benefit and, if she does not love you, will at least come to terms with your existence.
How can a daughter-in-law maintain her nerves and health while living and communicating with her mother-in-law?
Why is the mother-in-law constantly dissatisfied and how should the daughter-in-law react so as not to break her nerves and, most importantly, not lose her husband? The mother-in-law often tells you and her son that if she saw that he was content and happy with his wife, then she would only be in favor of him living with her and being together. These are general beautiful phrases and nothing specific. This is pure manipulation, an attempt to show that he lived better with her, an attempt to convince him and you that he feels bad and worse with you than with her. Point blank ignore these words, leave when she says this and show off your moments of happiness, victories, shopping, joy, relaxation, etc. Let her be jealous. And let her husband always look contented and happy in front of her.
Adults with responsibilities and responsibilities sometimes look tired and upset, lack of sleep and lost weight, but there is no need to show this to mom. There will be fewer reasons for reproaches. After all, my mother’s husband lived like a busy child who was not entrusted with anything, who was taken care of, and therefore he looked carefree and well-fed.
A mother-in-law may reproach her daughter-in-law for not taking good care of her son. Sometimes when you listen to her, you get the impression that the wife and her relatives not only do not feed her husband, but also beat and torture him.
Well, all normal people will understand that this is bullshit, so don’t worry that her relatives will think badly of you. Can a grown man just be beaten, tortured, offended? Of course not. He will fight back. All people understand this. Calm down and treat this as one of the manifestations of senile insanity or mental disorders.
Some mothers-in-law say that next to their daughter-in-law, her son looks like a sick person. But if you ask this son if he feels normal, if anything hurts or bothers him, it turns out that he is fine and everything suits him. And these mother-in-law’s nagging are a continuation of the insanity from the previous paragraph and obsessions that she is the best mother in the world and her son can only feel good and safe with her.
The daughter-in-law's reaction should be the same. When your son is active, cheerful and cheerful, it is difficult to say every minute that he looks sick, even to your senile mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law often accuses her daughter-in-law of not loving her son. This is because she herself no longer really believes in love, and she doesn’t believe because she herself was not happy in any of her marriages. And you have adult love with difficulties, with adjustments, etc. This is romance at 18 years old and parents solve all the problems. But here you had to decide a lot yourself. Therefore, it was not as rosy as she imagined for herself and demands from you. Remind her of Roksolana from the famous TV series. Did she have easy love? But it’s real, although she and the Sultan loved each other, and they didn’t always have romance, and how many difficulties they went through before the wedding. And also his mother’s dislike for her daughter-in-law. Not a very similar example, but still an example. Well, the mother-in-law’s favorite weapon is that the daughter-in-law is a bad housewife, she cooks poorly, cleans, washes, irons poorly, the house is full of dust, etc. Don’t react at all. Run your household as you want and see fit. You can answer something like - the food tastes bad, don’t eat, we’ll have more, it’s poorly cleaned, don’t walk on the floor, fly through the air, you can’t see the dust - don’t look at it, put on dark glasses, dust flies around the clock even on the street, so it’s better in general Blindfold your eyes with a scarf so as not to get upset. Speak ironically, but without insults. If that doesn’t help, sprinkle dust after cleaning her, crumple things she ironed, stain clothes she washed, add too much salt or help burn her food, and then reproach her for this as she does you. Not just once, but over weeks and months. This helps ironically - she will fall behind. This is if you live together. If separately, generally run the household as you want and don’t listen to her. If her son lives with you and eats your food, then he likes it and everything is fine. And don’t worry at all and be happy.
Loss of influence
If your mother-in-law really wants to continue her teaching mission, don’t interfere with her. Perhaps she sees no other role for herself in life. Try yourself in the role of an ally. For example, a woman doesn’t like that her son smokes: discuss with her methods of combating this bad habit, build a strategy together, even if you know perfectly well that your spouse is not going to part with a cigarette. Your task is to play along with the zeal of your new relative. Place relevant literature at home and reprimand your husband a couple of times in the presence of his mother. It is quite possible that you will soon be signed up as an ally.
