Has your child reached double-digit age and already started gossiping with their friends about the opposite sex? Maybe it's time to talk to him about sex. Or are your children already teenagers, they have their first partner in life and some stability? Maybe now is the time? In fact, many parents have serious problems determining the right moment for a very important conversation. However, one thing you need to understand is that this conversation cannot happen too soon - any time is fine. But it may well be too late, because modern society is literally filled with sex and messages of a sexual nature. So it will be much better if you tell your child about sex yourself than if he learns about it from friends or from TV or the Internet.
Tell them about the cyber danger
The owner taught the dog to play Jenga. The dog's skill is enviable: video
Tonics, exfoliators and red wine masks: recipes from a cosmetologist
Japanese scientists have proposed using soap bubbles for pollination
Be sure to tell your child about the dangers of the Internet - any photographs of a sexual and intimate nature that he posts online, even in conditions of maximum privacy, may end up on public display, which, of course, no one wants. And this can ultimately affect their future life very much - when entering higher education institutions or applying for a job.
Understand your feelings about sex
First of all, you need to understand what exactly you know and feel about sex. After all, if you yourself cannot have a conversation with yourself about sex in your head, then you should not even try to do the same in real life with your child. Read the literature beforehand and watch special videos that will allow you to refresh your memory of everything you need to talk with your children about such a relevant and sensitive topic.
High school students and students
Older teens may already fully understand the concept of consent and healthy relationships, so the discussion process can be one of the most challenging parenting tasks.
Continue discussions by raising more complex issues related to sexual consent
One of the mistakes parents make when discussing consent is dividing the conversation by gender. For example, boys receive information on how to avoid being accused of rape or harassment, and girls receive information on how to avoid being subjected to it, prevent violence or minimize harm.
This approach to sex education may prevent some legal problems, but it does not help us establish cultural norms of consent in society.
When talking with your teen, be sure to discuss the following questions in detail:
- Can a person under the influence of alcohol or drugs give informed consent to sex?
- Do I need to ask for consent for every sex after the first time with this person?
- Do power differences affect your ability to give or obtain consent?
- What does safe sex have to do with consent?
- What are the differences between verbal and nonverbal consent.
“Teens need to know what verbal consent sounds like and how to ask for it,” McGuire said. “They also need to know what nonverbal consent looks like.” If the partner freezes or lies completely still, then this is not the enthusiastic consent that needs to be obtained before going further.”
Male consent and power imbalances
One of the topics that gets missed in conversations about “preventing trouble with the law” is consent on the part of men. Teens and young adults may also feel pressured or coerced to say “no.” Even if they are visibly aroused, this does not indicate consent to sex; “no means no” works for everyone.
It is also important that all teens understand the concept of power imbalance. This means that they cannot give consent (informed and independent) in unequal power relations - when sex is initiated by a coach, teacher, mentor or older friend.
Teens may be taught how to prevent pregnancy, rape, or STIs. But they clearly lack knowledge about how to build healthy relationships or give/receive consent. This information may be the key to reducing sexual assault and violence.
Talk to your teen about pornography
Almost every child today has a cell phone and Internet access, which means your children have likely already had access to pornography in one form or another.
Without proper knowledge about what pornography is, how it works, and what its problems are, children may develop misconceptions about sex, relationships, and intimacy. At worst, these beliefs can harm others. Pornography doesn't just depict sex (often unrealistically). Many films show women and attitudes towards them negatively, and very often there is no talk about consent.
Talking about porn depends on your child's age and maturity. Younger teens may simply be interested in sex and the human body, in which case they can be offered websites or books that answer their questions. Teenage girls may compare themselves to women in porn and feel inferior, while boys may fear that they won't be able to perform sexually as well as men in porn. Teenagers may get the wrong idea about the size of the genitals, the duration of sex, the acceptability of lack of consent and intimacy, and other aspects.
But all movies are like that, but much of the pornography that is readily available to children can be violent. Sociologists have shown that watching porn among teenagers increases the prevalence of sexual violence against peers and younger children.
Conversations with older teens may include topics regarding the ethics of pornography, discussions of why most of these films are unrealistic, and the connection between porn and misogyny.
Talk about what a healthy sexual relationship looks like
You can discuss how to start a relationship and how to get over a breakup, how to make it more mature and avoid interpersonal trauma. Many of these issues, again, revolve around the concept of consent. This conversation can start after watching a movie or TV series, or using an example of good and bad relationships from life. Ask your teen how they feel and what they are thinking. Get him to think critically about what it means to be a caring romantic partner and how to receive care.
“It's not just about avoiding sexual violence,” McGuire said. “It’s about raising healthy people with the tools and skills to create healthy, happy romantic relationships.”
Choose your moment
The right time for conversation plays a very important role in this matter. Under no circumstances should you drive your child into a corner and tell him that you have a serious conversation with him. Try to raise this topic as carefully and carefully as possible, in the most calm and ordinary situation, for example, while you are driving your child to school or watching TV together. You can time this event to a specific moment that will serve as a specific introduction - for example, an advertisement that touches on the topic of sex, or an episode of a medical series that talks about sexually transmitted diseases.
Dinner in 30 minutes - recipe for cooking potatoes with vegetables in the microwave
Misha is only 4 years old, but he has already set a record for extreme cycling
Eating rejuvenating apples? Alena Apina will soon be 56, but she is still young and beautiful
When to start talking about sex
It is generally accepted that sexuality education leads to early entry into intimate relationships. But statistics say that education on such sensitive issues reduces the percentage of early sexual contacts. The fact is that when sex is no longer taboo and treated as an everyday matter, the level of interest in sex decreases. And there is some responsibility for one’s actions.
The conversation must begin before the teenager enters the world of sex. The conversation should be educational and preventive in nature. But it is important to ensure that the information is age-appropriate and does not traumatize already impressionable teenagers.
There is an opinion that it is better for parents to wait until the child starts asking questions about sex or starts the conversation himself. This strategy is not always winning. Children are often embarrassed to talk about their experiences and are afraid to discuss sexual issues with their parents. At the age of 12-13 years, it is advisable for adults to start a conversation themselves and engage in sex education.
Parents should become a reliable, sincere interlocutor regarding intimacy for the child. You should not lecture or shame a teenager. It is important to understand what worries him and what questions he wants to know the answers to. Talking about sex and sharing your experiences is helpful. But this must be done in such a way as not to hurt the child’s feelings.
Don't prohibit
The best way to get your child to have sex as quickly as possible is to stop him from doing it. Your task is not to prohibit something or teach your child to live the way you think is right. You just have to inform him and put in his head those moral values that seem appropriate to you and which you would like your child to follow. And he will make the decision on his own.
How to know when it's time to talk to your child about sex
Talking to children about sex is a challenge. They force us to formulate carefully, to overcome prejudices, to find a balance between directness and delicacy. Parents anxiously anticipate that one day they will have to talk “about this” with their child, or stand up thunderstruck when “unexpectedly” a seven-year-old boy tries to pull down the panties of girls he knows.
At first I thought of describing my experience in this article: what the children asked, why I decided it was time to talk, what exactly I said... But then I realized that it would be indelicate towards them, my children, and decided to share my experience in a generalized form . It’s not for nothing that this area is called intimate, and the child’s first questions are also personal.
I see several markers that a conversation about sex is overdue.
Child's initiative. Why do boys and girls have different things, how do babies appear in their stomachs, why do we need these rubber things in the pharmacy, “Mom, I know what sex is, they told me!” — the beginning of the conversation can be different. In my opinion, when a child takes the first step, it is a good story that demonstrates the absence of tension and trust between the child and the parent. Of course, it is worthwhile to dose out information, and the question of pregnancy or condoms does not always have to lead to a forty-minute sermon.
Jokes about the fleshy bottom. A child may bring ambiguous words or obscene gestures from the group and demonstrate them to their parents, giggling nervously. For me, this is a sign that it’s time to talk - because I don’t want sex to be perceived as something dirty or marginal.
Aggressive behavior towards the opposite sex: grabs different parts of the body, tries to peek, tries to hug and kiss without asking. This behavior shows that the child has a natural attraction to the opposite sex, but still lacks the ability to recognize and control it. Direct conversation can help.
Corresponding motives in the game , for example, when the dolls go to bed together or hug without clothes. Play is the most natural way for a child to think about a phenomenon that he does not understand. And if sexual motives are heard in the game, it’s time to talk.
You can often hear something like this: “Our parents didn’t talk to us, and nothing happened, they managed somehow. Sex is not a topic for discussion between parents and children, let it be discussed with peers.” It seems to me that this position is intended to mask the parent’s uncertainty, his anxiety at the thought of a direct conversation. If the parent himself is well aware of the topic of sex, if he has something to say, I think he will not shy away from the conversation.
There are several important arguments in favor of having the parent speak to the child:
This topic is important for the child. In the process of growing up, a child needs to realize his gender, understand what it means for him to be a boy or a girl. And sexuality is an important part of that identity.
In addition, the child feels a awakening craving and interest in children of the opposite sex, this excites him, worries him, makes him think about these topics and look for information. It'll be great if he gets it from us.
Talking about sex is a chance to convey our values to our children. Objectively, there is no lack of information; one way or another, the child will learn everything he needs. But a frank conversation with your father or mother is an opportunity to talk not only and not so much about physiology. We can explain our point of view: why sex is needed, what is the most important thing about it, what is its place in the hierarchy of life values, why it is dangerous outside of marriage. After all, no one else will tell a child about our values.
By communicating, we become closer. We don't have many chances to talk about something important so that the child will listen to us. And talking about sex is one of these cases. In addition, it is often painful for a child, and if he decides to ask us that very intimate question and we answer calmly and directly, this will be a huge step towards greater intimacy.
I remember an episode from a textbook on child psychology: during a session with a female psychologist, a boy suddenly took off his pants and asked in a whisper whether the psychologist liked his “pink stick.” She carefully replied that pink sticks were wonderful and asked the child to get dressed. It seems to me that this was a big step towards their closeness (in the purest sense of the word) and strengthening the child’s self-esteem.
We leave the door open. Perhaps in a few years, access to the intimate sphere will be closed to us; the child will prefer to discuss these issues with anyone, but not with his parents. Perhaps he will find himself in a difficult situation and will not know who to turn to. If we can talk about things related to sexual development openly and respectfully, this will increase our chances that the child will turn to us in a difficult time.
We help you make an informed choice. Even one-time or casual sex can have life-long consequences. And it’s not a fact that someone will tell the child about this before the moment of choice comes.
Taking all these arguments into account, I am convinced that some form of sex talk is necessary for every child from 5 to 10 years of age and beyond.
It's worth being prepared to talk about sex. Think about what main ideas you want to convey to your child. Choose words that are easier for you to use. In this case, it is better, of course, not to use euphemisms, but to call things by their proper names (although, for example, it is still difficult for me to pronounce the names of the genital organs in a conversation with children).
The main idea of such a conversation for me is to focus on my values and give an overall picture of my views on this area.
Let me give you an example of five main ideas that I try to convey to my children in such a conversation. You, of course, may have your own ideas on all these issues.
Sex is communication. Its main function and idea is to connect two people, make them closer, and help them better understand each other. God designed sex as a means of special intimacy between spouses .
Sex is serious. This is not just a “physiological function”; sexual contact can have far-reaching consequences of all kinds. It can connect two people for life, even if they didn't plan it and didn't mean it at all. He can create new life. It can cause serious illness. It can give a lot of joy and a lot of pain. Therefore, the decision about whether to have sexual intercourse must be weighed.
I try to talk about the rules that I came to, for example: “sex is created for marriage,” and explain what led me to this rule, and not just “that’s how it should be, I said that, period.”
Sex is healthy and healthy . Attraction to the opposite sex is normal. And communication with him, including sexual communication, can bring a lot of happiness.
Sex is not the main thing. There are many important and enjoyable areas in a relationship, and sex is only one of them. We are called to become masters of our sexual energy and learn to decide for ourselves how we want to deal with it at that moment. Otherwise, you cannot avoid mistakes and their consequences, see point 2. And this is one of the dangers of sex outside of marriage - the means becomes the end.
Sex is the opposite of violence. Any actions related to the body - touching, hugging, kissing, looking at a naked body and sexual intercourse itself - can only be voluntary. Otherwise they are called violence and must be stopped immediately.
Talking about sex is not easy for moms and dads. He encourages us to think about what our values are and whether we are able to realize them in our lives. And therefore, for us, parents, such a conversation is a chance for our own development. You can't miss it.
Touch high feelings
New evidence of viral risks from wildlife trade
Mini-games and good design: new updates in Talking Tom
Computer role-playing games: a sin or not? The main thing is not to lose touch with reality
You need to not just talk about sex as a sexual act - take care to convey to the child that sex is an integral part of a relationship, that it should not be just a physiological action, but a manifestation of feelings towards a partner, and also that that there are different types of sex, and they all have the right to exist (yes, oral sex is also sex). You also need to talk about the consequences of sex that may arise - for example, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Your child must understand that pregnancy is a huge responsibility for life, in fact, like some sexually transmitted diseases, such as herpes or AIDS, it is impossible to cure.
How to talk to a 16-year-old about sex?
Sometimes it’s completely unclear how to approach a teenager, and then they even offer to talk about sex. But nevertheless, we still need to talk about him. Psychologist Svetlana Filyaeva explained exactly how to do this and what to read to make it easier to approach the topic.
Mela newsletter
We send our interesting and very useful newsletter twice a week: on Tuesday and Friday
Question
. I would like to seek advice, hear the opinion of others, a psychologist on the topic of sexual relations of a boy at 16 years old. How should mom and dad talk to him about this delicate topic - or maybe it’s not worth it at all?
Answer.
Talking to your teenager about sex is a must. This dialogue can be structured in different ways - it depends on whether the parent and child have already had such a conversation, how high the contact is and the degree of trust. It also depends on whether the parents understand the child’s level of awareness, whether there are books or encyclopedias about sex and sexual development in the house.
If parents have a feeling of awkwardness or uncertainty, then first it is better to get acquainted with the literature on how to talk about sex with children of different ages. To do this, you can add the book “Too Early! Sex education of a teenager in the Internet era” by Alberto Pellai. It contains simple algorithms for how to start a conversation about sex, what changes in a child’s behavior you need to pay attention to, and what issues most often bother a modern teenager.
Here are the topics that are definitely worth discussing with your teenager:
- safe sex,
- physiological changes in the body,
- possible discomfort from spontaneous erection,
- difference between love and sexual attraction,
- masturbation,
- the danger of addiction to watching pornography,
- how to meet and invite on a date,
- what is the age of consent,
- does love necessarily mean sex?
- what to expect from first sexual intercourse.
Think about what topic seems most important and what first of all you would like to tell your son or daughter, what knowledge to share, what to warn against, what to ask.
Listen to yourself and make a choice - this will be the right topic for a confidential conversation
Don’t expect the teenager to be the first to start such a conversation; be delicate, but persistent: sex education is also part of the functions of a parent. Lectures, books, expert advice - all this can help both you and your child.
A properly selected book can be a good adviser on the topic of sex education: sometimes a teenager is embarrassed to ask something directly. In addition, often a peer turns to him from the pages of a book with his own story, with similar questions, interests and concerns.
Here are some good sex education books for teens:
- How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff;
- “Storm in the heart. Heart of the Storm, Annette Herzog, Rasmus Brainhoy;
- “Bifurcation Point”, Nikolai Ponomarev;
- “Not Apollo at All”, Catarina Chieri;
- “Use Psychology!”, Marcus Weeks.
Ask your question to “Mel”, and the editors will find someone who can answer it. Write to our social networks - we read all messages on pages on Facebook, VKontakte and Odnoklassniki. You can also write to us on Instagram. By the way, we do not reveal names, so questions can be anything (feel free!)
Photo: Unsplash (Gaelle Marcel)
Be realistic
If you are eventually able to talk to your child about sex, don’t console yourself with the thought that your child will then abstain from sexual intercourse until adulthood - more than half of teenagers of both sexes lose their virginity before they reach 18, and about 30 percent - still at 15-16 years old. Therefore, you should not try to protect your child from sexual activity - your task is to prepare him, inform him and give him all the necessary knowledge that can help him.
What should you not talk about with teenagers aged 12–14?
- In no case do we review the Kama Sutra with our children and do not discuss “techniques.” But we are not afraid that an informed child will immediately rush to experiment. On the contrary: it is the forbidden fruit that is sweet.
- We are not trying to put psychological pressure on, manipulate with feelings of guilt or responsibility towards the elder on whom the teenager depends.
- We try not to violate the child’s personal boundaries. For example, if you find a reason for conversation on a page on a social network, you should first apologize, explain how it all happened, emphasize respect for the teenager’s private life, and only then talk about the painful issue.
- We ourselves are not embarrassed. I, of course, understand that for many this is a difficult task, because no one spoke to us, and many do not know what words to choose. But remember that a correct and adapted conversation with a parent will give the teenager the opportunity to find out, understand, and not speculate.
- We do not consider our own child’s interest in sex to be something shameful or unacceptable. It is very important to understand that at this age there is a process of exploration. Just as children learn about the world around them, teenagers learn the attributes of adult life. And in this sense, the query “sexual fantasies” is akin to the query “how does an engine work.”
- We do not scold or prohibit - categorically and without argumentation. We take an expert position: “I am a parent - and I want to give you objective, age-appropriate information, so that independently found data does not distort your idea of what actually happens between a man and a woman.”
raising childrenchild psychologysexsexual education
Frankness
You should also try to make your child want to share all intimate problems with you. Promise that you will not judge him, prohibit him from doing anything, or criticize him. You should be a wise helper and adviser, not a judge and critic, so give this to your child so that he can solve any sexual problem with your help, and not suffer on his own or turn to someone he shouldn’t.
Found a violation? Report content
"The norm is often more rough sex than before," says midwife Katarina Svensson Flood, whose social media posts have attracted a lot of attention lately.
Last week she realized that she could no longer remain silent about the reality she constantly faces while working in a youth clinic. Katarina Svensson Flood posted a long post on Facebook in which she shared her thoughts.
“A lot of comments immediately poured in. Many wrote that they recognized themselves, many were shocked. “My God, I suspected that things were tough for young people today, but I didn’t think it was that bad.”
The post began to be shared on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and was reposted by such famous bloggers as Therese Lindgren and Stina Wollter.
“I couldn’t imagine that he would go so wild.”
In her first post, Katarina Svensson Flood writes that she enjoys meeting young people, but she simply cannot remain silent about certain situations.
“I meet many young women who almost every time experience pain of varying degrees of severity during intercourse. One of the most common reasons is rough sex.”
For example, a guy presses his fist on a girl’s stomach so that the vagina becomes tighter. Or sex from behind, in which the thrusts hit the cervix. Or oral sex, bringing the girl almost to vomiting.
The Guardian 02/15/2020 The American Conservative 02/18/2020 Rolling Stone 09/28/2017
Katarina Svensson Flood emphasizes that in her opinion, it is very good that young people today are more open about sex, and it is completely normal to like each their own. But she can't help but react when she meets so many young girls and even boys who feel pressured to agree to this or that practice.
“Nowadays, many things are considered normal; it has become inadmissible to, as they call it, ‘kink-shaming’ – shaming someone for their special preferences. But at the same time, we forget that we need to be able to set our own boundaries, think about our pleasure, that sex should be pleasant.”
In conversations with young people who come with pain, wounds in the perineum, fissures and hemorrhoids, it sometimes turns out that they agreed to something that they really did not want.
“It’s important not to place the blame on girls who don’t say no, but to look for the reason where it is at its root. Understand that society is to blame for making them think sex is something guys do to them. Not something people do together,” says Katarina Svensson Flood.
Svenska Dagbladet: What is this connected with?
Katarina Svensson Flood: Basic knowledge is often lacking. Sex education in schools has failed. Some of these lessons are still only shown cross-sectional anatomical pictures of the genitals. And parents do not know what their children are doing, placing all responsibility on the school.
According to Katharina Svensson Flood, sex education rests only on the efforts of individual enthusiasts.
“With what other compulsory subject would this be allowed? In our country, simply no one wants to take responsibility for ensuring that the younger generation learns enough about sexuality and relationships.”
— How much do the Internet and pornography aggravate this problem?
“The Internet makes everything much more accessible, and much of what was once considered hardcore pornography has now become mainstream. The boundaries have shifted.
- So what should we do?
- First of all, pay attention to this. The public needs to take this seriously. Sexuality education should be included in all teacher training programs and teaching should be made equitable. It is also necessary to find out how pornography and the Internet influence teenagers.
When Svenska Dagbladet began looking for young people who could talk about their experiences within the framework of this topic, the girls bombarded the editors with messages: many recognized themselves in Katarina’s posts.
“Both my friends and I have encountered young men who are convinced that everyone likes choking during sex, and that it is completely normal to grab a girl by the throat because “it’s so sexy.” Many more try to have anal sex without warning. It’s been like this for many years, and, frankly, it’s very depressing,” says 21-year-old Lina.
Die Welt 01/27/2020 The Dallas Morning News 12/20/2019 The Guardian 03/24/2019
20-year-old Lydia Farde from Stockholm did a project at the gymnasium in which she surveyed her peers about hard sex, which had become the new norm.
“The honest truth. There are plenty of people who don’t want to seem boring and admit that they prefer “vanilla sex.” “Vanilla” is what it’s called.”
It all comes down to you being boring.
“As a teenager, you have terrible self-confidence, and no one wants to disappoint a guy.”
It’s hard for her to remember what sex education looked like at her school: teenagers sat on porn sites, which replaced their lessons.
“They said that if you want to become a master of oral sex, you need to watch Pornhub. What was happening there seemed like some kind of nightmare to me, and so did the boy I was dating. But many then considered this the norm,” says Lydia Farde.
While doing her project in high school, she asked her peers about how pornography affected them. Some told how they rushed home after school to sit in front of the screen and watch porn. Others admit that for them the habit became increasingly destructive.
“Often classmates would say that they started with regular pornography, but over time it became harder and harder, and eventually they even became afraid of themselves, because nothing else turned them on.”
Lydia Farde agrees that sexuality education needs to be modernized and that it is not just about anatomy and sexually transmitted diseases.
“No one ever told us anything about pleasure, that it should be pleasant.”
Lotta Kajving is a curator at the Vixeng School in Westeros. She often talks to schoolchildren about sex, social media, the Internet and pornography. She senses that they have a powerful need to discuss this topic from the perspective of their own lives.
“This is a school with a sports focus, and the guys communicate in closed groups. They can be difficult to reach. But one day two eighth-graders came to see me, sat down, were silent for a while, and then one of them said: “Thank you, Lotta, for coming and telling me. We now look at sex completely differently. Everyone needs to know this."
Just like Katarina and Lydia, Lotta believes that sex education is lagging behind.
“It’s time for the Minister of Education to think about this. Change is simply necessary. We must prepare our youth for the current situation right now. Pornography and violence should not replace first sex education.”
More testimonies about youth and rough sex
When Svenska Dagbladet announced that it was collecting information about the attitudes of young people towards hard sex, women of all ages began writing to the editor. But what was striking was the lack of reaction from the men.
Yukhanna: “Ten years ago, when I worked on a hotline for children, calls were received, primarily from girls. Sometimes they were only ten years old. They asked about anal sex, said that they were expected to consent to it, and wondered whether they would then be considered innocent.”
Lina: “I’m very glad that this topic is being raised, it will help us avoid normalizing the abnormal. Of course, girls may well love hard sex, but when it starts to look more and more like violence, it’s oppression, not love.”
Yessica: “It is extremely important to highlight this issue! Today's mainstream porn is so accessible that it replaces our children's first sex education as early as 9-10 years old. Of course, this affects their idea of how sex should happen. 90% of today's porn contains elements of violence. My son was just nine years old when he was promised free currency in the game Fortnite if he watched a video that turned out to be pornography. He was terribly scared, cried and wanted to forget what he saw.”
Anjelica: “This is the reality today. I wish all adults knew what their children and teenagers are going through. So many parents have no idea what I deal with every day at work, or what life is like for their children.”
InoSMI materials contain assessments exclusively of foreign media and do not reflect the position of the InoSMI editorial staff.
