A girl in love “wearing rose-colored glasses” can sometimes come up with the idea for herself that a man is in love and will definitely marry, passing off romantic dreams as reality. There are no intentions written on his forehead, so there is room for free flight of imagination. Just better not fly too high. Because if he ends up being a confirmed bachelor, this could result in “the shattering of all dreams,” that is, bitter disappointment, or even serious trouble. Therefore, it is better to ask him whether he is going to start a family, and if this is not part of his plans, then immediately decide for himself: Is it worth starting a relationship with a convinced bachelor?
At first glance, the answer is obvious: no! After all, if a girl wants a family, but he doesn’t, then why would she start wasting her precious time on him?
Oh, if only everything were so simple!
Young (and not so young) ladies in love categorically refuse to take off their rose-colored glasses, sincerely believing that if she is a good girl, he will not escape her charms. (Read, Why doesn't he want to get married?) But is this true?
Who is a confirmed bachelor?
In fact, if an adult man after 35 has not been married for a long time, then he is a typical convinced bachelor. And this suggests that he has already adapted to single life, and feels quite confident and even comfortable in it.
Over the years, he has probably learned to cook (and men often do it even better than women), he knows where the laundry and tailor shop are, and he earns enough for a maid to come clean for him once a week.
And all this without the headache of not running into a scandal with his wife. Why does he need her? To bed? So he has a couple of reliable girlfriends from among those who believe that sooner or later he will get married.
However, if your rose-colored glasses have grown in tightly, and the “patient” flatly refuses surgical intervention, nothing can be done, wait until they dry out on their own. But you should always be prepared for the fact that when pink glass breaks into small fragments overnight, it can be extremely painful.
However, everything is not so hopeless. Even the most convinced bachelors get married sooner or later. Not all, but many.
What are bachelors like?
- "Eternal son . For such a man, his mother is the closest and dearest person, possessing undeniable authority, and a leader who should be listened to unquestioningly. It is possible to marry such a bachelor only if the woman can convince his mother that she is a worthy match, but in practice this is almost a hopeless matter. Mothers of “eternal sons” are often domineering and selfish ladies who do not tolerate anyone besides themselves next to their blood.
- "Lover Hero". Such bachelors arrogantly declare that there are too many women on our planet who are available to them to give themselves to only one. They often consider themselves irresistible owners of unique masculine charm, charm and brutality, and to preserve their image they prefer not to shave. As a rule, they are immensely jealous of their married friends, but are afraid to admit it even to themselves. It is possible to marry such a man, but only if the chosen one is much younger than her gentleman.
- "Egoist" . Such men are immensely in love with their own individuality and do not even allow the thought that they can fall in love with someone else, or that someone will put things in order in their own home and tell them what to do. For this type, nothing exists except his own problems and worries, as well as joys and pleasures. The rest of humanity is just a background, an extra, emphasizing its majestic existence, and nothing more. It is not worth marrying such a gentleman to yourself, because he will have more feelings for the stool than for his wife and children.
- "Lonely." Such people are simply afraid of responsibility, which they feel many times more acutely than other people. Loners usually live completely alone and choose solitary professions (gamekeepers in the taiga, for example), trying to minimize their communication with the outside world. Marriage with such a person is possible only if the woman is also single.
- "Planning Department". Such bachelors have everything planned out in advance and usually get married only after they have built a house, and even if they are already 50 years old and still don’t have a house, they will still wait to get married. It is possible to marry such a man, because he often achieves his goals before his life span ends.
- "Admirer of Change" Such a man cannot live without constant changes. He must certainly win victories over another lady every 2 - 3 months. You can marry him, but the woman must be sure that she can survive his eternal infidelities.
- "Abandoned". This bachelor is not convinced from birth, but acquires this behavior due to past sad experiences, after which he completely refuses to start a family. He really wants to get married, but fear prevents him from doing so.
Old bachelor
Author Lyubov Savitskaya
17.03.2005 07:54
Health » Health and prevention » Psychotherapy
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Triangles are not only love ones. Often He and She are opposed by parents, work, friends. And it is very important to learn to fit all this into your life without destroying the harmony of marital relationships.
Moscow psychologist Nina Smirnova advises on how to do this.
“My husband’s mother recently came to visit us. After living there for two months, she decided to stay here forever. I'm shocked. We have been married for ten years, and during this time our family has established its own rules, its own style of relationships. The mother-in-law redoes everything in her own way. My husband, instead of protecting me, takes my mother’s side. What should I do? Svetlana R., Krasnodar - In family relationships, as in many other things, we experience a clash between the Western way of thinking and Eastern traditions. We can no longer unquestioningly obey our elders, as is customary in a patriarchal society, and at the same time we are often forced to live under the same roof with our husband’s and wife’s parents. Without major conflicts, such coexistence is only possible when the mother-in-law or mother-in-law accepts the conditions of the family in which they now live.
And spouses can and should protect their own lifestyle, relationships, and their own traditions. Svetlana’s husband probably has not yet overcome some of his infantile complexes, which force him to believe that “mom is always right.” Therefore, we must tactfully make it clear to the husband that now he is first of all a husband, and only then a son. And if he doesn't understand this, he may lose his family.
“When my brother broke up with his girlfriend, he was very worried. We are very friendly, so I wanted to help him with all my might. I introduced him to my employee. I thought she was a good girl. But how wrong I was! From the very first days she began to quarrel with her brother, causing scandals and hysterics. She tried to separate them, but her brother protected her. Do not understand why? After all, I want the best for him. And recently I found out that this girl is also dating someone else. What to do? Should I tell my brother? Or watch him act like a fool? Yulia T., Taganrog - Yulia, you need to stop patronizing your brother. He has his own path in life, his own mistakes and his own victories. Now it seems to you that you control your brother’s fate - you introduced him to the girl, you yourself are able to separate them. In fact, you only played the role of a mediator. And if fate brought your brother together with a girl who is in conflict and perhaps cheating, then this probably has a special meaning. This means that he himself must learn something from this example, understand something himself.
If you start to “save” your brother, he risks getting into an even more difficult situation. Let's say he falls in love with a neurotic woman or a drug addict. Or, having broken up with his current girlfriend, he will begin to consider his life miserable and will hate you. We can be philosophical about what fate gives or takes away from us, about the trials it throws at us. But we absolutely do not want anyone else to take control of our lives. You can express your opinion about your brother's girlfriend, but it's up to him to decide what to do.
“What if your husband is jealous of his work? The fact is that I hold a very responsible position in the company. Sometimes you have to take work home. In addition, calls on my mobile phone and pager overtake me everywhere. At first my husband was simply offended, but now he started making scandals about how I loved my job more than him. Isn’t it stupid?” Ilona V., Moscow - You are right, you can only be jealous of another man. Only to someone with whom a love relationship is possible. If your husband is jealous of your work, your girlfriends, relatives, or your cat, this is not jealousy, but a complaint about lack of attention. And perhaps his feelings are well founded.
People often think that the main thing is to get married, and then everything will work out on its own. In fact, if family relationships are not constantly nourished, they deteriorate and gradually collapse. Determine for yourself the time that you can devote entirely to your husband and home. Let’s say “Sunday is holy.” Turn off your phones, go into the forest, into the park. Dedicate these hours only to your husband - so that he understands and feels: he is of the greatest value to you.
“My mother raised me alone, without a husband. For a long time we were like two girlfriends. Now I am 28 years old, I have a boyfriend. Recently at work I found out that I can take out a loan at low interest for an apartment. I was very happy. But my mother took this news with hostility: “I never thought that you would leave me in my old age. I could also arrange my personal life when you were little. But you cried, and I stayed with you.” I can’t imagine what to do now.” Alisa K., Voronezh - You, Alisa, simply fell into a trap. Living separately from your mother does not mean abandoning her. You can visit her, help her - financially, physically, invite her to visit. But you are now at an age when it’s time to “build your own nest.” And your mother’s demand that you sacrifice your personal life, because she once didn’t get married because of you, is selfishness. You cannot put responsibility for your own destiny on a child. When the little girl cried and did not let her mother go, she did not know that she was going to arrange her personal life. Nor did she know that in twenty years she would have to pay for these tears. Reassure your mother, assure her that you are not going to leave her. Adult children do not leave because their parents are bad. On the contrary, if a daughter wants to build her own house, it means she has a good mother - because she raised an independent person.
“I recently married an “old bachelor.” Volodya is 39 years old and this is his first marriage. Everything seems fine, but my husband spends a lot of time with his friends. Either they have fishing, or football, or they go to drink beer. And I'm sitting at home alone. I tried to discuss this situation with him more than once. He is indignant: “I don’t spend time with women. We have real male friendship." I don’t know what to do: I don’t want to quarrel with him and I don’t know how to put up with it.” Tamara S., Chelyabinsk region - Usually, when a loved one appears, friends are relegated to second place. And this is correct, since husband and wife must create a new spiritual community with each other. But for you this process is somewhat complicated by the fact that your spouse has not been married for a long time. Friends, apparently, occupied a very important niche in his life. And now it’s not so easy for him to leave them and start talking about everything with his wife.
Therefore, you need to be patient and gradually “tame” your husband. Tell him more often about your feelings, starting a phrase with the pronoun “I”: “I missed you,” “I was thinking about you.” Friendship between women is more often expressed in conversations - more or less deep. Men often like to do something together with their friends: fixing a car, fishing, building a summer house. Try to make friends with your husband according to the “male” type. For example, ask to take it with you to football or on a hike. Perhaps he will gradually understand that “a wife is a man’s best friend.”
“It’s embarrassing to write about this, but I have a very difficult relationship with my father-in-law. He deliberately creates situations that confuse me: he will either accidentally bump into me in the doorway, or touch me on the chest or knee. I don’t want to tell my husband about this, he has a difficult relationship with his father, and it hurts him greatly. What do you advise?" Angela I., Yaroslavl - Well, first try to cope with the situation yourself. We often assume that all people must think exactly the same as we do. And we ourselves must guess, without words, what is pleasant for us and what is not. But we are all different. And it’s quite possible that your father-in-law thinks that you like it when men – including him – note your sexuality and feminine attractiveness. Or maybe he is attracted by the situation that he and you have some secret from his son. Or in this way he asserts himself in his own eyes as a man.
Therefore, you need, when your father-in-law touches you again, very politely tell him: “Ivan Ivanovich, I don’t like it when you do this.” Perhaps this will be quite enough to confuse him now. And if this doesn’t bother him, add that you will tell your husband about everything. But if in this case everything remains the same, you have every right to carry out your threat. It is better to upset your husband than to lose him. After all, your father-in-law may also do this in order to compromise you.
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Topics Krasnodar region
