Assertiveness
Compliments are words that contain slight exaggerations of a person's positive qualities. Since the basis of a compliment is the psychological phenomenon of suggestion, many people give compliments in order to achieve the desired result from their communication partner. In pedagogical practice, the use of compliments can be one of the ways of effective interaction, since it is compliments that can help formulate a favorable attitude towards the interlocutor.
Some people find it very difficult to praise someone or give a compliment. T. Powell (Powell T., 2000) recommends some rules that will help you cross the barrier and learn to be sincere when complimenting other people:
- First of all, choose a suitable time and place;
- before giving a compliment, make eye contact with the interlocutor;
- be concise, speak in understandable language;
- use “I statements” (“I like...”, “I’m delighted...”, etc.);
- emphasize details (“I like your blouse, especially the color. I think it suits you very well.”).
Complementing the recommendations of T. Powell, we can emphasize that compliments must be sincere and have their addressee. A compliment loses its value if we repeatedly repeat it word for word, especially to different people.
Compliments should not contain: hyperbole, “seasoning,” didactics, double meaning, or unclear words.
Some people feel uncomfortable when someone praises or compliments them. These people often respond by trying to refute what was said or belittle their own merits. This style of behavior is not assertive, because often, when accepting a compliment, we give insincere feedback, trying to seem modest to the interlocutor. If you liked the compliment, why not say it openly, for example: “I'm glad to hear that,” “Thank you. You cheered me up,” “No one has ever said anything like this to me,” “I’m glad you liked it.” Sometimes it would be useful for us adults to learn how to give and accept compliments from our children.
Perhaps every woman would be pleased to hear such words spoken by a six-year-old girl to her teacher: “Galina Vasilievna! You look so much like a princess today...” Why not respond to this compliment sincerely: “Thank you very much, I’m glad to hear this today.”
Compliment Rules Table
| Rules | Description | Examples of compliments that violate this rule |
| No hyperbole | Hyperbole is a very large exaggeration that can make a compliment seem insincere, unconvincing, or false. | “You spoke so well at the teachers’ meeting today. Your speech sounded like a presidential speech.” (If this compliment is addressed to a person who spoke at the teachers’ meeting for the first time in three years and said only a few words in an uncertain voice, he may perceive it as sarcasm) |
| No “seasoning” | In some cases, we add a phrase to the compliment that contrasts a person's merits with his shortcomings. In this case, a compliment may sound like reproach. | “You are very polite, but you cannot be called modest!” “You have a good memory! If only she had it in the interests of the cause!” “You have amazing powers of observation, but your memory is bad!”, “You have good willpower! If only I could point her in the right direction!” |
| Without didactics | Sometimes we give a compliment and conclude with some kind of teaching, for example: “Always be like this!” In this case, a compliment can be perceived as parting words | “You should always be as active as you are today!”, “Firmness of conviction adorns you! Know how to defend your positions!”, “You are beautiful today! Be even better tomorrow!” |
| No double meaning | Some compliments that are not formulated clearly can have a double meaning. In this case, a compliment can be perceived as a threat, as ridicule, as reproach, etc. | “They say it right: no one knows how to flatter like you!”, “Your talkativeness is enviable!”, “Listening to your conversations with people, I am each time surprised by your ability to so subtly avoid answering!” |
| Without unclear words | Using unknown words in a compliment can confuse a person and confuse him | “You have empathy!”, “You are the second Diamandi Inodi!” |
To be continued…
Incorrect settings
Our difficult attitude towards compliments is based on beliefs that we developed in childhood: attitudes and rules that were instilled by our parents.
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“It’s not nice to brag”
With the light hand of our parents, we believe that talking about our achievements is unacceptable, because this is bragging that does not make us beautiful. Are you familiar with this reaction to compliments? “This is just a good dress! In fact, it’s been a long time since I lost weight.” Never make excuses when you hear praise addressed to you!
"You are no better than others"
This belief creates low self-esteem in us. We stop noticing even our own strengths and try to be no different from other people. We admire anyone, but not our own achievements.
5 traits that will make everyone envy you
"Flattery is self-serving"
From childhood we were taught that sucking up is not good. Any praise or compliments can be insincere, because if a person praises you, it means he needs something. Thus, we perceive a compliment as a way of manipulation and therefore immediately look for a catch.
"An eye for an eye"
If a person does something good to you, gives you a gift or gives you compliments, you simply must answer him in kind. Not knowing how to give compliments, we find ourselves in an awkward position: if we were given an expensive gift, we think that we should be given the same one in return.
Do you know how to accept compliments?
We immediately devalue the compliments we receive, we rush to tell everyone how far from perfect we are, it’s as if we are begging those around us: “Well, agree, agree with me that I’m not that good at all!”
How many women respond to “You look so good today!” Will he just answer “Thank you” and smile sweetly? No, we roll our eyes and hasten to report that: 1) we didn’t sleep all night today, that’s why our eyes are red; 2) we have a wild migraine and in general...; 3) my hair hasn’t been washed for God knows how long; 4) we didn’t have time to put on makeup at all today...
“How does this dress suit you!” - “Oh, what are you talking about! It’s 100 years old, I pulled it out from the mezzanine today, and it was bought back in the mid-80s...”
“This hairstyle suits you very well!” - “Lord, today I practically didn’t comb my hair at all, I was in such a hurry!”
Where does this come from in us? Do we sincerely believe that we are not to be admired? Do we strive to prove the other person wrong because we actually think we are worthless?
Of course not. We love compliments, and we are very, very pleased. Why do we, completely “automatically”, without thinking for a second, rush to assure us of the opposite? Are we in a hurry to “reset” what was said, immediately completely devaluing ourselves?
I think that this is inherent in Russian and Soviet women through their upbringing and Orthodox culture. Not “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend”, but “Modesty is a woman’s best adornment” - this is the motto that accompanied our mothers and grandmothers throughout their lives and was introduced to us from childhood.
It was not Scarlett O'Hara who was an example for us, not Liz Taylor and Ava Gardner, but the quiet and modest images of Turgenev's heroines and the Soviet-style perky, sex-less film images of Nadezhda Rumyantseva. These images have programmed our attitude towards ourselves since childhood.
That’s why “Oh, what are you talking about!” “our” women fly out completely automatically, on an unconscious level, while at the level of consciousness we just want to say “Thank you.” Besides, we were simply not taught
be a woman every minute of your life. There were no such tasks in Soviet society.
I will write separately about the “harm of Orthodoxy” for the education of women. Nowadays, young girls no longer read Turgenev or Pushkin, but read Cosmo and Hello... But no, it’s the same for them! Recently, in the presence of a 23-year-old girl, the topic of this summer's fashion trends was raised. "Oh, No! I can’t wear long dresses - I have short legs!” — the girl (whose legs are completely normal) hastened to tell everyone.
And this is not only funny - by devaluing ourselves like this, “in little things,” we not only continue to program ourselves to dislike ourselves, we program those around us, including men, so that they too begin to devalue us! In the same story with the girl’s “short legs,” there wasn’t a person around who didn’t immediately look at her legs, wanting to find confirmation that they were really short. Although before this such a thought simply never occurred to anyone.
In relationships, the same thing often happens - we completely “open up” and confuse a man with a girlfriend, continuing to slightly “reset” ourselves every day. “Aren’t my legs very short in this dress?” - the girl asks the guy. After all, this is our closest person, he, of course, will understand everything correctly!
We expect him to understand: in fact
The girl has deliberately lowered herself a little now, as if “to test”, she just wants to make sure that she likes it, to hear in response that she is the most beautiful in the world, both in this dress and in another, or better yet, without a dress at all !
But men are built differently. In the long term, they do not pass such “tests”.
In a few years, a man will sincerely think that she really has short legs, although when they met, her legs were the most attractive in the world. And there will come a moment when this man will tell her something like, “Well, you better not wear that, it’s for girls with long legs...”
Will the girl understand at this moment that she herself has put the “nullification” program into the man? And this program, once it is running, is very difficult to erase and put a new one in its place.
A man scans our harmless remarks as dislike for himself, which has grounds.
If she treats herself this way, then I can treat her the same way, or even worse. Our self-esteem responds to such an attitude with a gradual but steady decline, forming true self-dislike.
Vicious circle.
Tags: introspection, self-criticism, psychological health, psychological help, psychology of communication, self-knowledge, psychological complexes, psychological problems, man and woman, self-esteem
How women suffer... from compliments
Author Natalia Sinitsa
18.11.2009 11:55
Society
Usually, sympathy for a person arises after he skillfully emphasizes some of our advantages. Journalist Marianne Power always wondered why the reaction of many ladies to compliments turns out to be exactly the opposite of what the “praiser” expected. Trying to understand this phenomenon, she came to interesting conclusions.
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How women suffer... from compliments
“The other day I met an old friend whom we haven’t seen for a long time. She looked simply beautiful, which I immediately told her. On my part it was just a compliment - I wanted her to be in a better mood. However, everything turned out completely differently.
“Oh my God, what are you doing? – she was indignant. – Today I look just terrible. The jeans are stupid and the top is really bad - this color makes me look unhealthy. And anyway, I only put it on because all the other things are in the wash and I don’t have time to take care of myself..."
This stream of dissatisfaction with her own appearance was interrupted only when she asked me if I had lost weight in an hour. And what do you think I answered?
I said she was probably kidding me! In fact, I look like an elephant, and you can’t look at what’s hidden under my spacious dress without tears.
Why the hell is it so difficult for us to accept a compliment, I thought after this meeting. It's not just about friends' assessments. Even at home, in response to pleasant words, we brush them off as nothing special. In the office, they usually add to this stream of self-deprecation: “Anyone could handle this” or “They helped me.”
Men risk falling out of favor every second because of a sincere desire to express their admiration. As soon as they mention that the girl is unusually pretty today, the eternal line begins: “I’m fat, and my hair looks like a crow’s nest,” and the conversation ends with the aggressive “What do you want from me?”
How women suffer... from compliments
Dear ladies are so exhausted by worries about their own real or imagined shortcomings that they simply do not believe in the selflessness of others. Having received a compliment, they begin to frantically go through the options in their heads: “Either he is lying, or he is sorry and wants to console, or he is trying to somehow use me.”
I can add one more option to this: self-flagellation in response to praise has become a kind of way of communication - in the same way, people exchange meaningless phrases about the weather: “Tomorrow they promised cold weather” - “But what sun there was yesterday!”
Business etiquette: is my tongue enemy or friend?
Psychologist Philip Hodson is sure: British women have never been able to adequately perceive compliments - this goes against the need to be modest, or at least appear so.
“For many of us, pleasant words spoiled the mood. From the very beginning, sarcastic older brothers and sisters, and even parents, did not miss the opportunity to “walk” through our appearance, so that from childhood we cease to distinguish when a person speaks sincerely and when he is mocking.
In addition, from a young age we were taught not to “stick out,” so we are afraid that if we accept a compliment, we will seem presumptuous,” explains Hodson. – Smokes are extremely self-critical, especially when it comes to their figure.
Only when all the glossy magazines in the world trumpet that a woman is one of the ten most beautiful people on the planet will she calm down and be able to take compliments normally.”
Men do not have such problems. The Hugh Grants may make fun of themselves in the company of friends, but in fact, deep down, they yearn to be singled out and, most importantly, to be told about it.
How women suffer... from compliments
Rest assured, he will agree with anything you say - even if you called him a “representable man,” when he is barely heavier than a sparrow.”
Hodson gives the example of a friend who told him about meeting a girl in a bar. He praised her dress, and the girl responded by saying that she bought a new thing for only 20 pounds on sale and two seams had already come apart.
“What could I say to that?” – the man is perplexed. In such cases, Hodson advises repeating the compliment again and being more persistent, stopping all the girl’s attempts to belittle herself and her taste.
