Unfortunately, everyone has at one time or another had to deal with the rudeness and aggression of other people. Of course, there is little pleasure in this. And the reaction to an insult can be very different - from silence to outright obscene dialogue with the offender.
Rudeness is an attempt to verbally humiliate a person and thus rise in one’s own eyes and in the eyes of people watching the scene of swearing. It turns out that a person who speaks rudely simply wants to assert himself and prove to the whole world that he is not an empty place, and his opinion should be taken into account and respected.
Very often boors are driven by a feeling of fear. Such a person is afraid that someone will hurt or offend him, and he will not be able to give a worthy rebuff. Therefore, he is the first to “get into trouble”, expressing his complaints and not allowing the interlocutor to come to his senses.
It also happens that rudeness is a reaction to some kind of mental wound. In this case, at the slightest encroachment on personal space, you can hear such a stream of abuse from the offended person that you involuntarily begin to answer him in his own words. And then this person begins to be rude to the other interlocutor, and thus the insults are passed along the chain.
Such a chain can only be interrupted by those who know the techniques that allow them to defend themselves against unfounded insults and put the offender in his place. It is hardly worth remaining silent and “swallowing” the insult. After all, it is known that unexpressed emotions can cause somatic diseases, such as gastritis, ulcers, headaches, etc.
However, unleashing a stream of abuse on a person is also not recommended. Psychologists advise using one of three methods.
1. Polite stupidity
This method can be applied to colleagues, strangers or elderly relatives. Its essence is to ask clarifying questions to all rudeness. By the way, this method can also be included in job interview techniques. At the same time, speak deliberately politely and calmly. For example, if they say to you: “Well, sit here...”, look carefully at the interlocutor and clarify: “What do you mean?” This can lead to some confusion for the offender. If he answers you: “I mean, you took up all the space!”, then ask: “Do you want to say that you don’t have enough space?” And so repeat your opponent’s words ad infinitum. Don't add any words of your own, just clarify his phrases. Usually, with such tactics, the offender is missing for a long time - he turns around and leaves.
2. Consent
The essence of the second method comes down to agreeing with the rude person’s claims, and then asking him to help solve the problem that has arisen, or simply switch to another topic. Let’s say you go out for a walk with your dog, and an elderly granny begins to lament: “You’re walking the animals again, the whole yard is already littered...”. Answer: “You are right! And in one country, owners are required to clean up after their dogs. It’s probably worth introducing such a rule here too, what do you think?” After such an answer, the neighbor will stop grumbling and switch to a normal conversation. And if you ask her for advice, for example, where is the best place to buy groceries, you can rest assured that the next time you meet, she will behave politely and without aggression.
3. Search for meaning
The last method is useful if your boss is regularly rude to you. In general, you can react to rudeness from your boss in different ways: you can not respond to his words, but then lash out at your colleagues, you can tell the boss whatever you want and proudly quit, and, finally, the best way to react is to answer the boss in this spirit: “Sorry, but I can’t work normally when people talk to me like that. Of course, you can fire me, but most likely it would be much better to find a way to cooperate? Not every person would dare to say this to the boss’s face. But by overcoming yourself and taking risks, you can win the respect and trust of your boss, and your colleagues too.
If none of the methods helps you pacify the boor, then make an effort over yourself and get away from the eyes of this person. You shouldn't waste your time and energy on people who like to swear and be rude. You still won’t be able to convince them, but a spoiled mood can negatively affect the whole day. Try to switch your attention to something pleasant, and you won’t notice how quickly the unpleasant incident will be forgotten.
How to get rid of rudeness in society?
The level of rudeness in society will decrease in two cases: firstly, when it is financially unprofitable to be rude, and secondly, one’s own rudeness will become a source of guilt and discomfort, and this is due to the fact that from an early age children, on the one hand, saw an example polite and calm parents, and on the other hand, the boorish behavior of children was suppressed.
Regarding the disadvantages of being a boor. In the USSR, rude saleswomen and waitresses were a legend and a part of life. “Well, what do you need?” “Can’t you hear?” “Well, what’s not clear?” Nowadays, rudeness from waiters and sellers is much more rare. The main income of sellers in clothing stores is a commission on sales, hence “As it suits you”, “This is your style”, “Green suits you”. The waiters also live from tips, plus they are supervised by a manager. That is, rudeness at service enterprises is eradicated by benefits flickering on the horizon and the fear of losing a job. In addition, now in the service industry, employees are required to be trained on how to communicate with hungry and meticulous clients in order to make the most important thing - sales. I clearly see that Sberbank employees are becoming nicer and nicer every year.
Extreme rudeness in government agencies is generally considered the norm of interaction. The feeling of power, the intoxication of it, complete impunity and the absence of consequences - these are the fertilizers for the flourishing of arrogance. It can also be a cover for a lack of knowledge and professionalism. But control systems also appear in these structures; for example, in passport offices and payment centers it is possible to evaluate the work of an employee. His bonus part of his salary depends on this. It was about professional rudeness.
Now about everyday life. As for everyday life, rudeness will disappear when the impulse to be rude is stopped by a future feeling of guilt, that is, clear standards of behavior laid down in childhood will not allow dragons to stick their heads out. Children copy what they see and hear, and they do not do what they are told to do if they also observe behavior other than what they say.
When an adult boor is confident in the correctness of his behavior and the accuracy of his words, then there are no methods of influence to turn him into an intellectual.
I got the feeling that young people are less rude than the older generation. I am based on observations in my fitness club. Shouts to remove the towel, rude demands to move somewhere, shrink (disappear?), move a leg, arm, etc. always come from women over 55. Maybe rudeness on its own will disappear from our lives forever?
Fighting boors, even if you have a black belt in karate, is a thankless task. To make life easier, the recipe is this: don’t keep boors in your close circle, and if they do, it’s on their own terms. When a person is dear, another is able to melt his psyche, but usually only in relation to this person. It’s easier to protect yourself from strangers and distant boors - ignoring, a short boorish answer (once without any thoughts “I won’t stoop to their level”), fewer words and a minimum of deflections.
And the next time someone crawls ahead in line for the next art exhibition or for a shortage (so that my prophecy does not come true!), you will grab him by the collar and drag him to the very tail.
How to deal with rudeness at work
You are here Rudeness at work is, unfortunately, not a rare phenomenon.
The majority of people interviewed stated that they had directly encountered this phenomenon in one form or another. Have pity on the boor - he has problems with self-esteem. But don't let him raise it at your expense.
Who is rude People who are deprived of public attention, but are in dire need of it, can become rude.
If they cannot achieve it through personal merit, they will try to stand out by humiliating others.
Primitive people who are not trained in communication skills behave boorishly. They do not know how or do not want to communicate differently.
It’s easy to be rude, but to react constructively, you need to make an effort. How to respond to rudeness
Achilles
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a wave of indignation on social networks against Fr.’s style. Andrey Tkachev. Intelligent Orthodox Christians are offended by his impudent and boorish manner of answering questions, as well as the word “shit” from the priest’s lips.
All this, unfortunately, again resembles party meetings. One might think that if Tkachev is now banned from speaking on radio and TV, then people’s need for a stick and the pleasure of humiliation will go away by themselves. Tkachev is popular because there is demand. But to make sure that demand, if not completely disappears, then becomes limited, is much more difficult than simply reining in and punishing this dork priest. In short, the problem requires a systematic approach.
Firstly, before setting out to “burn the hearts of people with a verb,” the priests themselves, even at the training stage, should have dealt with their psychological problems . And we are not talking about regular confession with a confessor - some confessors cause such trauma with their clergy that they then have to spend a long time cleaning up. We are talking about banal sessions with a psychotherapist. It works very well, by the way.
Secondly, it would be nice to teach the basics of psychiatry and psychotherapy in theological schools. They have been talking about this for a long time, but things are still there.
Thirdly, it is necessary to hammer into their heads, again, even at the learning stage, that you cannot be rude to people, you cannot shout at them, insult them, throw mud at them, or get into their souls. It is believed that the priest has the right to all this. And they think so because usually such behavior is not stopped, because we are sorely unable to set our personal boundaries.
Fourthly, in order for a priest not to lose his temper with parishioners and, in general, to live without neuroses, he needs to be confident in the future. The fact that the bishop or dean will not yell at him, that they will not remove him for no reason (and if they do, they will at least warn him in advance, and not the day before), that there will be no interruptions in finances, etc. This, of course , does not concern Tkachev, this concerns the position of the clergy as a whole.
We can argue for a long time, but in response to all these comments, they will object to me with this: the same people who make up our society come to church. Therefore, what society is, so is the church. Yes this is true. But how great it would be if the transformation of our society began with the church. How great it would be if the clergy not only responded to the demands of the surrounding reality, but changed this reality itself according to the Gospel, setting the tone in public life. Naive, of course, but what if...
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Illustration: painting by Vasya Lozhkin
RULES FOR COMMUNICATION WITH A BOARD
Each of us can say with confidence that he has met boors in his life, meaning arrogant, unscrupulous, rude and uncouth people. Expressions such as “rare boor” and “tram boor” are widely known. And surely such meetings did not bring joy to anyone except the boors themselves, who derive pleasure from their boorish behavior.
Who is this boor? The word "boor" has several meanings, and there is an interesting history of its origin. In addition to the meaning of arrogance, ignorance, rudeness and “shamelessness”, the outdated meaning of belonging to a low class of a person who completely lacks human dignity is known (the psychology of the so-called “cattle”).
The Bible describes that Ham was the son of Noah, the same one who was saved during the Flood. One day, while Noah was sleeping, Ham disrespected his father by mocking him. What exactly he did is not known exactly, but it was an ugly act of mockery of a helpless sleeping man. This behavior of his laid the foundation for the concept of boorish attitude, which meant disdain for the prohibitions of culture.
Psychologists say that rudeness is, first of all, the result of upbringing. In the old days, boors were people from very poor, uneducated families who could not instill in their children a culture of behavior. But in those days, not all poor people allowed themselves to behave rudely and inappropriately; there were much fewer boors then than today.
Modern society shows us rudeness at literally every step. We meet boors at work, in the courtyard of our own home, in public transport, in shops, restaurants, and public places. Boorish behavior can be observed among relatives, friends, and acquaintances. These are people who create emotional tension, insult others verbally and with their behavior.
Those who were brought up in a decent atmosphere, have correctness and goodwill towards others, are forced to suffer from bad manners, rudeness and rudeness, not knowing how to contact boors and how to protect their psychological health.
For example, being a boor at work can ruin your work mood for the whole day or even the whole week. Often the cause of a squabble can be a harmless phenomenon that can cause envy in an ill-mannered person. You bought yourself a decent suit, you look great, or your salary was raised. A boor cannot resist humiliating you, thereby raising his self-esteem. With his boorish behavior, he will definitely bring you into a scandal, so that others will witness your humiliating dialogue. They say about such people that they are “rare boors.”
Professional psychologists suggest that in such a situation you control yourself and remember that you should not give him such joy. And no matter how much you would like to respond to the impudent person in kind, your task is not to go beyond the bounds of decency, but also not to let the impudent person get away with it. When a mess like this happens in front of other people, and especially in front of your management, you need to win the sympathy of the observers. Therefore, it is necessary to strictly control your expressions, which will be head and shoulders above the statements of an inadequate boor. After all, such people always use ugly behavior, which means that colleagues have already seen such situations, and will be waiting with interest how you competently and clearly, calmly and confidently, rein in the inadequate person, putting him in his place. Your correct behavior in such a squabble may become a reason for the dismissal of a boorish employee.
If you find yourself in a duel with a boor in a different situation, you can use humor. Practicing psychologists say that when we make fun of our opponent, without including insults and anger, the boor himself becomes embarrassed and in the future is afraid to get involved with a person who can easily laugh at him. It is better to choose another victim, without a sense of humor, who will become emotional, lose control of herself and behave inappropriately, looking pitiful from the outside.
In any case, a rude person always challenges the other person to dialogue on a level that is comfortable for him. He craves conflict with harsh words and loud sounds, suggesting that this is the zone in which he is stronger than others. To frighten, to lower him to his state, in order to rise above the victim at this level, thereby showing that he is a winner, strong and willful. This is exactly the type of “tram boor.”
Accordingly, the trump card in confronting the boor will be the intelligent response of a civilized person, who does not give the impudent person the opportunity to make you like him. You cannot look away and hide your eyes, otherwise he will think that you are afraid of him, and this will give him strength. You need to look directly at him, forcing intelligent people to have a normal conversation, then the boor will feel uncomfortable, and he will certainly retreat.
Well, if you encounter rudeness in the service sector, when people work in administrative organizations, medical institutions, beauty salons, trade, etc., this is a separate type of boors who could not realize themselves in life, are forced to serve others, so they try humiliate more successful people, then don’t waste your time. Immediately write a complaint or claim to the appropriate authority, consumer rights protection authorities, etc. This can be used to punish boors who will be forced to behave more decently for fear of losing their jobs.
Experts who study behavioral psychology notice that some people are often rude, openly and brazenly. Boors treat others with fear and try to avoid them. Why is this happening? And how should you behave in order to avoid being treated rudely?
Rudeness itself is not always expressed in an overtly aggressive form; sometimes it can be behavior that is aimed at scaring you or causing shame or guilt. Therefore, methods of combating rudeness are aimed at determining for yourself exactly who, with what specific actions and words, causes unwanted emotions in you.
So, the rules for dealing with rudeness.
First. You must clearly understand that this is a weak person in front of you.
Any boor is unsure of himself, unlucky in life, and not appreciated by the people around him. And rudeness is his only way of self-affirmation at your expense in the eyes of others. This is his personality psychology. You understand that this method is pitiful and ineffective, but he simply doesn’t know how to do it any other way. If he chose you for his self-affirmation, it means that it seemed to him that you could not give him back.
Therefore, you must answer him from the position of a strong person, openly, firmly, without hints or understatements. Under no circumstances should you defend yourself, defend yourself, or make excuses. Say what you think, calmly, relaxed, with self-respect. You have your own point of view on the situation and you don't care what some pathetic people think about it. Usually boors are cowards by nature, and when they feel strength and confidence, without shouting and scandal, they become silent.
Some people ask a psychologist: “Why am I often rude?”
Look, analyze how often this actually happens. In fact, it depends on your internal and external state, which is an indicator of your self-esteem. If it is low, then there will definitely be people who will want to take advantage of this to lower it even more, thus raising their self-esteem. Boors bypass a person with high self-esteem, because a strong person cannot be rude.
Therefore, if you notice such an anomaly in relation to yourself, then you need to normalize your own psycho-emotional and physical state and increase your self-esteem. When you underestimate yourself, it is written on your forehead that you are ready to endure anything. Such people are called terpils, in other words, slaves of their own perception.
That is, the prevention of rudeness against you is your healthy self-esteem, your own sense of strength, and inner freedom. What is boor? A boor is such a loser who cannot achieve anything in life because he does not know how to communicate with people.
And the second rule of dealing with rudeness is choosing the right program. I would like clear rules, guidelines for action in different situations.
Let's consider option 1. Boor in joint activities. This is a case when a person competes with you, fears that you will bypass him in something, and he, as always, will be out of work. How to behave in such a situation?
If you understand his motive, if you know that he is showing off because you are stronger, better, smarter, and hopes to humiliate you, choose a condescending and compassionate position towards him. Look at him sympathetically, pat him condescendingly, like patting a small child who still doesn’t know how to do anything in life, but adults forgive him for his pranks so that he doesn’t cry. This will stop him, rest assured. And if we are talking about a work colleague, and you will have to work with him for many years, take pity on him and let him win a little in something, console and encourage him. Then he will not only stop being rude to you, but will become grateful to you and benefit you.
2nd option. The boor is trying to force you to do something by aggressively influencing your psyche. In other words, this is manipulation of psychological pressure.
You need to distance yourself from this. Just not by defense and defense, without taking the position of the weak, without making excuses, but, on the contrary, from a position of confidence and strength. Don't forget that boors are actually weak people. Answer them in an extraordinary way, in a way they don’t expect. Either counterclaim them or ignore them. But ignoring should be done using such a look, as if in front of you is a bug with only three legs.
Often, by the way, in business and negotiations, rudeness is used to confuse the opponent, force him to justify himself, thereby influencing the outcome of the negotiations in his favor.
3rd version of rudeness, in which the boor always behaves arrogantly, since this is his position in life.
Break his idea of the model of behavior in such a situation. Answer emphatically politely and kindly, but with a dose of humor. Let him go crazy. Looking at you, he may doubt how best to influence you. The main thing here is not to get involved in the state into which they are trying to put you. Your position - well, the person is sick, what can you do...
He expects a violent reaction, but then... Naturally, he will have to change his tone. Humor can be used to bring his statements and proposals to the point of absurdity. Show that you perceive his words as a good joke. Imagine that your opponent is actually a cockroach. Common cockroach. Might you be interested in the cockroach's point of view? This is funny! He's big, of course, but he's still a cockroach. Imagine him like this.
It is most correct to treat boors as inferior subhumans. Ignore them, why waste time on them? Take seriously only people who are smart, friendly, purposeful, and effective. Why do you need boors?
So, the rules for communicating with a boor.
You can't be rude in response - it's weakness. Think of a boor as a cockroach. Be happy that you can see a talking insect. And your communication with boors will no longer be a problem for you. Most likely, seeing your similar position, boors will avoid you.
But it’s another question if you encounter rudeness from a person close to you in the family, for example, a husband or wife.
This means that he feels bad, uncomfortable, he suffers, but does not know how to express his problem. In such situations, family psychologists advise finding the true cause of the conflict. The boor in the family is also unsure of himself. But he is a member of your family, which means that the problem is common to you. And it can and should be solved. Here you won’t get away with humor, because your task is not to get rid of the boor, but to get rid of the problem that is bothering the person close to you. And for this you need to become frank and serious. Let him speak, try to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes a person himself does not even suspect what is actually pushing him into rude, boorish behavior. This is where your sensitivity comes in handy. A person close to you defends himself with rudeness.
In such a situation, you don’t need to put the person in his place, but you need to give him a shoulder and let him cry, otherwise the conflict will escalate even more. The reason is most likely resentment. Try to find the root of the grievance together, discuss, find solutions to the problem. Under no circumstances oppose your positions to each other if you want to reach agreement. Remember that rudeness is the result of inability to communicate. Help your loved one learn to communicate with you, if he is dear to you, of course.
Imagine an elderly woman who rides a tram every day and looks for opportunities to be rude. She gladly causes scandals, insulting others and aggressively attacking one or another passenger. Her behavior shocks everyone, causes discomfort, and ruins people’s mood. But in fact, the reason for rudeness is that this woman suffers insults at home from her tyrant husband, her own son does not listen to her, she does not have money to buy herself new shoes and a dress. She takes out her own grievances on others, instead of fully and effectively solving her problems.
There is no need to be afraid of boors. They are pathetic and unhappy people. Always be confident, calm and balanced. Know your worth, do your business and maintain emotional and psychological balance. Create distance, do not let yourself be drawn into unnecessary controversy, do not fall into a state of shame and guilt, fear and shyness. Just be yourself. Let other people solve their problems themselves, not at your expense.
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