When a beautiful girl, smiling, gets into an expensive car with her man, no one really knows how her evening will end. They can be a happy and prosperous couple, or they can be an abusive husband and his victim. A new book about domestic violence contains stories about women who find themselves in destructive relationships, as well as guidance on how to get out of the current situation for themselves and those around them. Here is one of the stories (published in abbreviation).
Everything was good in Angelica’s life - her relatives and friends often told her about this. The twenty-five-year-old woman worked as a stylist in one of the capital's beauty salons, curling the hair of wealthy businesswomen and gluing eyelashes on happy brides.
Every evening an expensive car drove up to the salon, in which sat a broad-shouldered middle-aged man. Angelica's colleagues looked enviously through the panoramic windows - it seemed to them that the girl was unreasonably lucky: her husband showered her with flowers and gifts, and was always attentive and delicate.
None of those around her knew that most of the time Angelica lived in fear and that the care that her husband bestowed on her was a way of minute-by-minute control.
Why Angelica didn't want to be like her mother
Angelica spent almost her entire childhood in a rented apartment. Her mother worked as a cook in the school canteen, had a thick build and legs covered with blue veins. The daughter was ashamed of her mother and her thick legs and at school tried not to leave the classroom once again, so as not to run into her in front of her fellow students. Angelica was sure: she would never become like the woman who gave birth to her and would not repeat her fate.
Mom's name was Elena, and she considered herself to be strong, proud and independent. Together with her little daughter, she left the man when he first raised his hand to her, leaving him an apartment and a meager wedding dowry.
Lena instructed:
“You can’t allow a man to offend you.” A woman should be brave and not be afraid of anything.
It seemed to Angelica that her mother was deceiving: everyone around them had families like families, many of them argued and tolerated each other every day, but no one left. Angelica considered her mother to be the culprit of the divorce; she secretly hated her and dreamed that her father would take her to him, but he only came at first, and then stopped. The girl also blamed her mother for this. She was not interested in the excuses and reasons why she packed her things and left, and Elena herself remained silent for many years, occasionally repeating how important it is for a woman to be financially independent.
Men began pursuing Angelica when she turned fifteen. Thick hair, expressive black eyebrows, a thin waist, large breasts and slender legs - Angelica appreciated her own attractiveness in time and, as it seemed to her, took advantage of it quite skillfully. She realized that an unapproachable woman is a desirable woman, and began to drive her suitors crazy with well-established tactics of behavior.
“No kissing on the first date,” she told her friend. — I came to the cafe, half an hour later I waved my hand and left. Gave flowers - you say that it is not in your habits to accept flowers. And constantly say “No.” Give me a ride? No. Meet? No. And the third time you need to say “Yes,” accept the bouquet, casually put your hand on his leg and smile. And then he is absolutely certain - all in your hands.
Hit for the first time after my honeymoon
The man danced merrily, then shouted vulgar jokes in a deep voice, at which all the hundred and fifty guests laughed, then he sat down next to his wife, took her hand and squeezed her thin hand until it hurt.
“You’re hurting me,” Angelica sometimes said, but her husband looked at her, like everyone else, with a mocking half-smile.
A few hours later they left for Pulkovo, from where they went on her first trip to Italy and for three weeks they looked like really happy newlyweds, kissing a lot and eating ice cream. Angelica managed to forget about everything until she returned to her apartment on Old Arbat. She received her first blow to the cheek that same day, surrounded by wedding gifts and wilted bouquets of holiday flowers.
David had outbursts of aggression for various reasons: he did not like it when she interrupted him or did not agree. I didn’t like it when she cried - at these moments he could grab her by the hair and hit her against the corner of the table or the back of a chair. But most of all, I didn’t like it when I didn’t answer phone calls, ignored messages and stayed late at work - any lateness was initially punished by a deep wrinkle, as if cutting the forehead in half, and a gaze from brown eyes, and then by blows to the chest and stomach.
At the same time, he wanted her to attract the maximum amount of attention - he spared no expense on new dresses and expensive shoes, on luxury cosmetics, on spa treatments and plastic surgery. The girl had already agreed to blepharoplasty of the eyelids, lip augmentation and a “slight” change in the tip of the nose, but she liked her own reflection in the mirror exactly until she pulled off her branded dress.
Purple-yellow, blue-green, red-black - she studied, examined her body, tried to look into the depths of the color, although she did not understand what exactly she wanted to see in these bruises, bruises and hickeys.
Features of abusive relationships between husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend
There are no conflict-free interpersonal relationships. Offensive words, quarrels, picks, mutual accusations, misunderstandings, showdowns, quarrels, scandals - all these are the eternal companions of human relationships. In everyday family life and human relationships, this is the norm, since the rule applies: the more and more closely people communicate, the more reasons they have to ruin these relationships. In the communication style of an abuser in ordinary family life, there is a special cyclical pattern of behavior, brought to perfection. Conventionally, it is divided into four time periods.
First period: a woman feels that tension is growing in her relationship with an abusive man, she is afraid to say or do something wrong, tries to avoid rough edges, tries to straighten out the relationship.
The second period is a quarrel/scandal, during which verbal aggression is shown (insults, humiliation, reproaches for inability to run a household, earn money, unwillingness to maintain relationships and family, etc.). In some cases, it comes to assault and beatings.
The third period is reconciliation. The abuser may apologize, but at the same time he verbally inspires the victim that he wanted to do what was best, and is not to blame for anything, and if his relationship partner behaved “correctly”, then there would be no conflict situation.
The fourth period of the cycle is a “happy lull”, when for some time relations in the family become good, the grievances inflicted are forgotten, and the victim begins to believe in his lucky star, but very soon signs of the first period appear and the cycle closes, and thus the abusive carousel continues to spin until the victim ends her relationship with the abuser.
Why did David grow up so cruel?
Mom never loved him - that’s what David himself said. He couldn't remember a time when the selfish, black-browed woman with the ever-angry expression on her face had been gentle with him. She gave birth to him at thirty-three, because it was impossible not to give birth. He irritated her with his tenderness and trepidation, and the more often the child caressed his mother’s bony knees, the more he annoyed her.
The boy grew up inventive: he understood at what moments his mother was most tender with him, and learned to behave in such a way that she would always praise him. I often thought that I hated “this cold creature,” and at the same time sought her approval.
When David was thirteen years old, she was involved in a car accident and was seriously injured. She lay in bed for three months: her son fed his mother with a spoon, followed the medication schedule, and listened carefully to all the doctors’ instructions.
The woman somehow immediately became kinder to her son, looked into his eyes with gratitude, but then she recovered - everything returned to normal, and David began to hate her again.
My husband is an abuser, I don’t know what to do.
Good afternoon, Arina!
I sympathize with you that you found yourself in such a situation without even having time to understand at what moment you fell into a trap. I dare to suggest that your spouse is a domestic tyrant. And if so, then you need to mentally prepare to fight for your freedom or to overthrow the tyrant. This is difficult and scary, but quite doable if you wish. There is another way - to silently endure your husband’s antics further, in the hope that he will never cross the last line. The choice is always yours, Arina.
I want to start with an analysis of the possible reasons for the current situation, because I am sure that a person is more likely to step on the same rake over time if he does not conduct a “debriefing”.
The roots of tyranny in your husband did not come out of nowhere. If you analyze your husband’s family, you will probably find a person with similar behavior in your immediate environment. Perhaps your husband was raised in such conditions, then this state is familiar to him, he does not know what it’s like to live differently.
And I immediately ask you a question, Arina: Are you sure that you can re-educate your husband without specialized education, internal resources, and even your husband’s consent to this long journey? Therefore, I will assume that it is useless to change your husband; you will simply waste your life on this struggle, in which victory is not at all guaranteed to you.
Perhaps your husband has communication problems that are the result of other reasons (heredity, deficiencies in upbringing, development, etc.). If he has always had few friends, if he is always very “sticky” in contacts, annoying with those who had the imprudence to let him get closer, then this is another version of difficulties for you.
There is one more topic that concerns you personally. For some reason you ended up in this relationship. It’s not your fault, Arina, just think in turn, why did you so quickly agree to all your husband’s conditions? Was something inside you forcing you to submit, to accept the position of a victim? What kind of life experience is this? It needs to be analyzed so that next time you remember this feeling and do not follow the tyrant’s lead. Have you already tried talking to him? Did they explain that you are uncomfortable living in such conditions and that you would like to have a full life and communication with other people? What did he answer you?
Imagine a spider. How will he catch his lunch with his physiological data? To do this, he has a whole arsenal of devices: the ability to make and arrange a web, the ability to be inconspicuous, wait in cover, quickly grab and immobilize prey, wrapping it in a cocoon, inject digestive enzymes into the victim and then suck the finished cocktail out of it. It looks very unaesthetic, but this is the truth of life, which is why I brought up this metaphor now - approximately the same thing happened to you.
Your husband tracked you down (think about why he chose you, he needs someone who could potentially become a victim, perhaps your lack of Russian citizenship became a bait for him).
Caught in a web (before marriage, tyrants are very courteous, polite, promise “mountains of gold”, you quickly decided to get married, he was afraid that you would get off the hook, but you did not feel the catch).
He began to wrap himself in a cocoon (after marriage, tyrants quickly begin to show their true colors, forbid communication with friends, relatives, persuade or threaten, force them to quit their studies, work - all so that no one can save the victim, help her, so that she remains in his full possession in isolation).
If the victim resists and calls for help from loved ones, the tyrant can temporarily retreat to find a new weak point, use various tactics from intimidation to humiliating pleas for forgiveness, assurances that he is doing everything out of great love, etc. And most often it begins to alternate opposite actions in order to confuse its victim.
Arina, has your husband already beaten you? Can you guess what the next step will be? Are you ready to go through it? If not, then let's think about what to do next.
Arina, I understand that you are now in a foreign country without citizenship, so you were forced to go through with this marriage without figuring out who your chosen one is. But think about the fact that the world has not converged on it, you are now only 20 years old, you did not have time to give birth to a child (with a child everything would be much more difficult, believe me), that you can gain a foothold in the country in other ways, without getting married. And think about what prospects await you if you continue this life together with your tyrant husband.
If you are not satisfied with this future, then start preparing to leave your husband now. Weigh everything and make a decision, under no circumstances informing your husband. Tyrants are very susceptible to changes in the emotional state of their victims and are very attentive. After all, it takes a spider enormous effort to build a new trap!
Most likely, your husband is already monitoring your movements, checking your SMS and geolocation (now there are many opportunities to install such programs and do it remotely). Therefore, proceed from the conditions that you cannot trust anyone from his circle.
Save money, hide your documents, find out the address of the nearest organization that provides assistance to women with domestic violence, where you can temporarily move. Call there from someone else's phone, explain the situation and get advice - you definitely need a lawyer, because... You will have to resolve issues with divorce and citizenship. They can also provide assistance in finding employment and paperwork, if necessary. Be sure to complete your education to be able to qualify for more in the profession. There is always a great demand for doctors.
Tell your loved ones and family about how your husband treats you. If he is already committing violence, try to discreetly make an audio recording or video of what is happening on your phone, so that later you will have evidence of his crime against you. You can return home to your family at any time, let them help you organize the move. If there are no children together, getting a divorce is much easier.
Arina, only you can decide what to do with the situation, return to Ukraine or stay in Russia, only you can take or not take certain actions. It all depends on your attitude towards violence, your husband will not change, he is unlikely to succumb to your influence, so it is only your choice - to stay with him and endure further or make an attempt to fix everything in your life before the irreparable happens and solve the problem another way.
Excerpts to you, Arina, and a firm understanding of what you want from life. Think everything over carefully, weigh it and act!
Rate the psychologist's answer:
Rating 5.00 (1 Vote)
You better not argue with me
One day Angelica and David sat down to dinner. He said:
- I want you to quit.
Angelica was scared:
- But I want to work.
- But I do not want.
“I can’t just up and quit.”
“You have everything, I provide for you inside and out.” Why do you need to work?
- Because I love my job.
- What about me? - he asked calmly.
- Of course I love you.
- But do you love your work more?
- You can’t compare...
- Why? It is important for me to know that my woman is ready to sacrifice some little things for me.
- I’m not asking you to leave your job for me...
— If I leave my job, will we move to your mother’s rented apartment?
- No, but…
David continued to leisurely chew his dinner.
“Come on,” he said, “just don’t argue with me.” Tomorrow you will write your letter of resignation. You will turn into a decent wife, you will stop being a whore at work.
“I don’t...” Angelica tried to protest and was first hit in the face with lettuce leaves, then with a snow-white kitchen towel.
She wiped her face with a napkin, stood at the sink and turned on the cold water.
- Why are you doing this?
- I don’t hear anything, kitten! What are you meowing there?
She cooled her face with water and turned decisively towards him.
“I want,” he continued, “for you to give birth to my child.” So that...” he came close to her and kissed the top of her head, “so that we have a baby.” As beautiful as you.
Angelica did not want children, but was afraid to admit it to her husband.
— You don’t have to quit your job to have children. Of course, I’ll go on maternity leave anyway, then we’ll hire a nanny.
- No, I want you to stay at home.
- But…
David grabbed her from behind by the neck and forced her to lie on the floor.
“You better not argue with me,” he said and kicked her in the stomach.
Angelique lay there without resisting; she wanted to curl up, hug her knees and turn away as usual, but this time she didn’t care anymore. I thought: it would be nice if he just killed her now.
Advertising
Manifestation of psychological violence in relationships
According to statistics, abusive relationships occur most often in couples.
Mostly women suffer. Manifestations of unreasonable jealousy, checking correspondence on social networks and constant prohibitions are the most obvious signs of abuse in a relationship. In addition, the abuser can control expenses and force humiliating things.
A person suffering in such a relationship often withdraws into himself. He can't leave because he feels afraid. Blackmail also takes place, and in order to overcome this barrier within yourself, you need the help of a specialist.
I stopped feeling alive
Her husband deprived her of communication with her mother, friends and colleagues, checked her phone, controlled how she looked, had sex with her, even if she didn’t want to. The girl stopped feeling like a living person: she woke up, automatically performed some actions, washed her face, put on makeup, and got dressed. Existed.
At first, she was ready to reconcile and be patient, because he seemed to be able to give her financial security, but it turned out that he had taken away her freedom without her noticing.
For four months after her dismissal, Angelica lived practically in lockdown: David hired her a driver who drove her along a pre-agreed route. She finally stopped seeing her friends and did only what she was supposed to do: visited beauty salons, health clinics, fitness centers, took vitamins, ate fruit and went on trips with David.
She stopped sleeping - the dream was gone completely. Angelica got out of bed, went to the window and thought about opening the sash and jumping down, but every time she became scared.
At first, David was happy, but after three weeks his unconditionally obedient and emotionless wife began to irritate him, and it was from that moment that he became truly cruel.
He asked me to talk in detail about previous partners, clarifying all the details. The beatings became more frequent and longer - he still beat Angelica only on the stomach and chest. He called her dirty and spoiled, and every day she believed him more and more.
