Rule 5. Keep your own behavior under control.

After the boss lets off steam, pause, take a deep breath and calmly, confidently, as you exhale, tell him, for example, like this (if your opponent’s accusations were to some extent justified): “I accept your accusations and am ready to give my explanations.” . And if his accusations were wrongful, you can say this: “I listened to you, but I don’t agree with you and I’m ready to give you my arguments.”

If your boss insults you with rude words, remember that the most important thing is to maintain your human dignity and inner respect for yourself as an individual, because our self-respect does not depend on the boss’s attitude. When faced with rudeness, you need to firmly and confidently say: “I will ask you not to talk to me in such a tone.” You need to say this calmly, without raising your voice or even deliberately quieter than usual - by doing this you will let your boss know that, on the one hand, you are not trying to insult him or argue with him, and on the other hand, you are declaring your right to be treated with respect.

What to do if you find yourself working with a toxic boss. Clear advice from a psychologist

The first thing that needs to be said is that in Belarus, people are more tolerant of hidden aggression. Where the Ukrainians begin to “go on strike” and get into squabbles, and the Russians simply merge, ours endure long and stubbornly.

And you may have noticed that we have very few “open” cases about internal conflicts within teams in companies. Nobody brings anything out into the open - that is, if discussions are held between employees, it is mostly behind the scenes. But if you don't get into the crowd and don't have a reliable source to find out information about the employer, you remain completely unaware of what is happening inside the company.

In any case, employees are a means of achieving certain company goals, but if we are talking about a business related to creativity, then here, among other things, the factor of emotional support and inclusion that employees count on is very important.

When people talk about negative feelings that affect them at work, emotional coldness and overt exploitation often come to the top. It is perceived as devaluation: you are just a unit, leveled down to a project. You as a person are not important.

How to recognize that you have a tyrant boss in front of you?

The first and most important thing - already during the interview or the first meeting - is your own feeling that something is not right somewhere. This reaction may not always be caused by negative phenomena. This may be beyond praise. At any stage of communication, it is very important to listen to yourself. You cannot completely trust the external flair of the first contact.

What distinguishes a tyrant from a charismatic leader? It is the lack of emotional connection that separates toughness from cruelty and playing on interest from manipulation.

If you want to sell yourself and they start selling you a nice place to work, then we can easily close our eyes to many things and leave with the thought that everything will definitely be different with me. But no, it won't.

We very professionally know how to convince ourselves that some of our skills and qualities will protect us from negative attitudes. And we continue to justify what is happening even when someone is crying in the corner or people around are giving evasive answers about what is happening in the team.

How to anticipate the situation

When you make a decision about choosing a new place of work, it is important to be able to ask someone from the team about who worked before you in this place and why the person left. How does the life of the team generally develop outside of the project? There must be balance in everything. Because if you see that employees are overly united, this should also be alarming. Where there is a tyrannical leader, there is a tendency towards strong team unity. He becomes a separate organism that exists outside of the leader.

What to do if you have already fallen into the hands of a tyrant

If you see that you have found yourself working for a tyrannical leader, you need to weigh your strengths very competently and soberly. Tyrants are quite effective. They have very clear goals and know the ways to achieve them, along which they confidently lead the entire business.

The team here has its own structure. Such leaders surround themselves with highly effective people and recruit the best professionals. They don’t directly release their “claws” on them - as a rule, more subtle manipulations work there. This layer of workers often does not experience harsh pressure and acts as a kind of cushion that softens interaction with other team members. The question is what position you find yourself in.

If you manage to become part of the system, but not identify with it, you get a tough personal experience associated with a large number of preferences. But if for some reason you are vulnerable, and you have a victim streak and self-doubt, it will psychologically destroy you and subsequent recovery takes a long time.

“Bells” that indicate that something is wrong with your work:

• reluctance to get up for work in the morning,
• internal anxiety, depression,
• constantly waiting for the weekend,
• the appearance of isolation,
• gradually the desire to interact only with a certain circle of colleagues is added here.

As a result, a person either rebels and leaves, or drives himself to exhaustion and breaks down as a person.

Someone takes the whole situation to the point that he himself provokes conflict and dismissal. This is shifting responsibility for decision making and action to external circumstances. But there are situations when a person needs to be removed and he himself is provoked. These moments are very borderline. In the ideal world of ideal people or in books, everything is extremely clear, but in reality it is often different.

What grew out of your boss is not your work issue

We all tend to endure, reflect and thereby justify our bosses. A person has read two or three books on management and begins to think that if everything was fine with the manager, then he probably wouldn’t treat us like that. All these are supposedly injuries that everyone has.

But you need to remember once and for all: what has grown out of him are questions only of his mom and dad, psychotherapist, wife or anyone else, but this is not your working question. What you see is not what you think. Such a person lives in such a management system, with such a character, and it is not your task to re-educate him.

Can a tyrant change?

There are cases when team-building practices with an illusory form of general equality are used in work. And it seems like they are talking to you and you and your boss have clarified everything. But then time passes and you realize that nothing has really changed. In such cases, you become even more vulnerable because you had hope that did not come true.

There are no lyrics. Even if something in the leader changes, it will not be for your sake. Such a leader can only be changed if someone appears above him, or if his personal life circumstances influence this. But you will still remain a grain of sand that is included in the service process.

How to competently stand up for a colleague

The tyranny of a boss can have many manifestations and it is difficult to talk about them without some specific cases. It happens that you witness pressure on a colleague. And here you need to understand that when you stand up for a person who is under pressure in a team, you find yourself in a situation where you serve his position as a victim.

In addition, we automatically begin to believe that our colleague is so weak that he is not able to defend himself, and I seem to be better, higher and can help. This is also the wrong way. A difficult situation. If you find the strength in yourself, then it is worth maintaining contact with a person in such a situation, because there may be a provocation for isolation, but at the same time your communication should be on equal terms

If you witness an emotional outburst from a boss towards a colleague, then, at a minimum, you need to indicate your presence: look into the eyes, stand up, say: “Perhaps I should go out if you want to stay and talk.” But neutral. Don't try to intercept the flow. Usually this distraction is enough for people to come to their senses.

The situation with bullying is even more complicated. It only stops when you make it visible. To do this, you need the consent of all other colleagues in the desire to exist in a civilized manner in the communicative field. If someone is made a scapegoat, then it is naive to think that if the person leaves, the situation will change. No, there will be another person who will take this place.

A tyrant boss cannot exist on his own; he always needs a retinue.

If you have become a victim of provocation...

If you decide to stay at this place of work, then there is only one option - to build yourself and your boundaries, and use the whole situation as a simulator. You need to clearly understand what you are doing and why. From this place of work you take away certain skills and benefits, for the sake of which you can cope with the behavior of your boss. You need to very clearly separate the situation and yourself.

In the event that you become a victim of emotional provocation on the part of your boss, you need to try to clearly separate the essence of an order or remark from the underlying reason. It’s ideal if you can breathe in and out and clarify what you need to do or what the essence of the complaint is.

- Please repeat again, what is required of me? — Do I understand correctly that we are talking about this and that?

If you have enough inner core not to get involved in provoking a conflict, but to clearly reflect and say everything, then, as a rule, the manipulation will stop. But if you get involved emotionally, that’s it, then emotions come into play.

Also in such situations it is important to turn to “I-statements”. Speak through yourself.

- Did I understand you correctly?

- I want you to hear me.

Besides, it's not enough to say what you don't like.

“I don’t like it” is an accusation that leads to attack. You always have to offer something.

- In this situation, I suggest...

There is a fear that they will say something to you

There is one more feature in Belarus. In our country, most of the very successful and talented people make themselves suffer in industrial relations longer than necessary. They understand that they are ready to leave, but they are afraid of the “trail.” Because: “This is an owner who knows someone somewhere and can say something bad about us.”

There is a fear that they will say something to you. Sometimes people get so hooked on this that they stay in a job they hate for many years. And the consequences of such an emotional hole will have to be sorted out and worked through for a very, very long time.

If you, as a professional, are not at the very beginning of your career - that is, these are not the first months of work, but also not the top, when for professional implementation you need objectively high-level projects, so as not to hit the “glass ceiling”, but you are in a wide layer “between” these conditional categories, in the middle – it is important to understand that the market will always “eat” you. There are definitely a number of companies and projects that need you with your existing skills and ability to learn and develop.

In any situation, it is worth keeping an eye on what needs to be improved in order to change jobs. The fear of the unknown and of not being in demand exists only until you start searching.

Take a closer look at the mood: “everything seems to be fine”

You need to pay attention to the fact that if suddenly, because of your work, you find yourself without the circle of friends with whom you always communicated, if for some reason you don’t want to engage in your favorite hobby and there is no time for your favorite things, stop!

We so often cling to this eternal “everything seems to be fine.” This is a big trap.

In some cases, it may seem to us that our life revolves around work, that it defines us and takes us completely into itself. It’s even worse when it seems to us that everything could collapse without us. But this is most often not the case, unless, of course, you are an anesthesiologist. In the vast majority of cases, nothing irreversible or irreparable will happen.

It is ideal if you have people and friends in your life who are not from your professional field. Otherwise, you can find yourself in a corner from which it will be extremely difficult to get out and look at life from the outside.

How to survive being fired

If everything comes to a painful dismissal, it is more effective to pause yourself at some point and look at what is happening from the outside. Rebuild your boundaries as much as possible, unfasten your emotional hooks, and only then move on to another project.

If you just ran away, then no matter how sad, most likely this situation will catch up with you. We will continue to attract the leaders of the tyrants onto our heads until we learn to rebuild ourselves.

The hardest thing to work with is a feeling of devaluation. When you find yourself in a situation where you are devalued as a person, a person remains in it for a long time. He has to work on it for a very long time and put in a lot of effort to get out. Because the loss of the value of oneself and one’s personality leads to the fact that subsequently, even if a job changes, at the slightest trigger, the same wave covers the person and he loses himself.

Vasilyeva Elena Yurievna

–
psychologist-private practice, license from the Ministry of Health of the Republic of Belarus since 2009, coach consultant and business trainer. Successful training and consulting practice since 2000. Professionally helping people undergo transformational changes and reach a new level. Specialization: technologies for effective negotiations; psychology of management; increasing the personal effectiveness and stress resistance of the manager; emotional leadership and emotional intelligence, stress management in organizations, business interaction and communication management, conflict management and mediation in organizations. Significant experience in conducting open and corporate programs in the field of management, including organizational development sessions and projects on change management in organizations.

How to deal with mobbing - expert advice on what to do and how to resist bullying at work

• Tolerate public insults in silence. This way you risk losing the respect of not only your boss, but also your colleagues.
• Respond with rudeness. Rudeness breeds new aggression. Don't stoop to the level of a boor, respect your dignity.
• Criticize the boss. No boss likes criticism. If your boss is a dictator, you risk deepening the conflict. By judging your boss in a fit of anger, you provoke a negative outburst on you. A single aggressive attack will turn into persistent hostility on the part of the manager.
• Humbly ask for forgiveness and take the blame upon yourself. This way you humiliate your own dignity and give the tyrant a free hand. You will be held responsible for all incidents in the office. This behavior is especially dangerous with a sadist and slob. If respect in the team does not play a big role for you or the dialogue with the boss takes place in private, you can take the blame for communicating with a dictator or a coward. Aggressive attacks will stop.

The concept itself appeared among us recently, although the history of the phenomenon dates back hundreds of centuries.
In short, mobbing is bullying by a group of one person. As a rule, at work. What are the reasons for the phenomenon?

There are many types of mobbing, we will highlight the main, most “popular” ones:

• Horizontal mobbing. This type of terror involves the oppression of one employee by his colleagues.
• Vertical mobbing (bossing). Psychological terror on the part of the leader.
• Latent mobbing. A hidden form of pressure on an employee, when through various actions (isolation, boycott, ignoring, throwing a spanner in the works, etc.) they are told that they are an unwanted person in the team.
• Vertical latent mobbing. In this case, the boss demonstratively does not notice the employee, ignores all his initiatives, gives him the most difficult or hopeless work, blocks career advancement, etc.
• Open mobbing. An extreme degree of terror, when not only ridicule is used, but also insults, humiliation, outright bullying and even damage to property.

• Rapid development of psychological instability (vulnerability, uncertainty, helplessness).
• The appearance of phobias.
• Fall in self-esteem.
• Stress, depression, exacerbation of chronic diseases.
• Loss of concentration and decreased performance.
• Unmotivated aggression.

It is possible and necessary to fight terrorism at work! How?

• If you are “lucky enough” to become a victim of mobbing, first understand the situation. Conduct an analysis and find out why this is happening. Of course, you can quit, but if you don’t understand the reasons for the bullying, you risk changing jobs again and again.
• Do they want to push you out of the team? Are they waiting for you to give up and quit? Do not give up. Prove that you are the exception to the rule, an employee who cannot be replaced. Ignore all attacks and barbs, behave confidently and politely, do your job without stooping to retaliatory barbs or insults.
• Do not make professional mistakes and be alert - carefully analyze each situation in order to notice the “planted pig” in time.
• Don't let the situation take its course. It’s one thing to ignore ridicule, another thing to remain silent when they openly wipe their feet on you. Your weakness and “tolerance” will not pity the terrorists, but will turn them even more against you. You shouldn't be hysterical either. The best position is in Russian, with honor, dignity and as politely as possible.
• Bring the main instigator of the bullying (“puppeteer”) into conversation. Sometimes a heart-to-heart conversation quickly returns the situation to normal.

Not everyone can become a victim of mobbing; there are a number of reasons for this, certain character traits that make this person stand out from the crowd.

The concept of mobbing is new. However, the history of the appearance, the essence of this word has been familiar for many hundreds of years. Mobbing often occurs in large groups, where the bulk of people have taken up arms against one person. The reasons for this are not compelling; bullying usually begins when the victim is different from others in some way. But let’s look at the common reasons why one person becomes “not nice” to others.

White crow.

Imagine an established team where everyone has known each other for many years. It has established certain communication, its own habits, customs and foundations. Suddenly a new person comes - a “black sheep”, not like everyone else, he is different from everyone else. A different appearance, an unattractive voice, dissimilar behavior, or anything else can alienate a close-knit team. He is often perceived as an exiled Cossack. That’s why they want to quickly get rid of the newcomer and force him out of the team.

- “Why do we need an extra opponent?”

Such situations where the team starts from scratch together are practically excluded.

Negative atmosphere.

The work atmosphere can be not only businesslike, but also negative. This happens in the case of improper organization of the work process, a boss-dictator who does not allow his subordinates to live and develop in peace. Some people like to have get-togethers instead of lunch and gossip about colleagues. Such an unhealthy atmosphere in a team easily encourages aggression. The outburst of emotions happens out of nowhere and can affect one person who is currently caught in the hot hand.

With nothing to do.

There are teams where workers stupidly kill time, but do not complete the tasks assigned to them by their superiors. And the first person to fall under the “distribution” of a negative attitude towards himself will be a workaholic. He takes his responsibilities responsibly, but his idleness will cause his colleagues to suspect him of currying favor with his boss. Often this is not the case, a person really works, but he can no longer escape the blows of his colleagues.

Dislike to the boss.

There are also situations when management does not like a subordinate. Terror begins “from above.” However, others also tune in to a negative wave towards the unloved employee, supporting the bosses.

Envious people.

Envy is a common occurrence in large teams. Family well-being, financial well-being, rapid climb up the career ladder, good relationships with management - all this provokes others to envy. And this is a bad feeling that destroys a person and the team as a whole from the inside, like rot.

Psychological self-affirmation.

This happens even in kindergartens and schools, when an older (in this case, psychologically strong) friend asserts himself at the expense of a weaker character. He humiliates him, mocks him, mocks him in every possible way and provokes negative emotions.

Low self-esteem.

This reason is the least common. A person who is a victim does not know how to defend his own rights and opinions; he will fall under attack from anyone, even the most peaceful group. With his victim complex, he personally provokes his colleagues into mobbing, showing cowardice, helplessness, and weakness.

Prestigious position.

People who occupy the most lucrative positions in the team are also subject to attacks. The main reasons for this are: high wages, a loyal attitude from the boss, a separate workplace with its own secretary and amenities, useful connections, etc. Terror occurs with the goal of eliminating this person from the desired position that someone from the team would like to get. However, this does not mean that if the victim leaves the post, the new entrant will not be subject to the same pressure.

New boss.

Imagine the situation: a position has become vacant in a leadership position. Each member of the team dreams of getting it. But a new, unknown person comes and disrupts all their plans. At the same time, he begins to change the established foundations, shuffle responsibilities between employees, introduce new regulations and establish a different operating regime.

Mobbing worsens the psychological and physical condition of the victim.

With just emerging pressure, the employee tries in every possible way to prove that he is worthy of the respect and favor of the team. He takes initiative, tries to be useful and helpful, and often does “dirty” and tedious work. But that doesn't help. When mobbing moves to a new level, all the ardor of the victim fades away.

How does the victim feel?

He showed so much diligence and followed the instructions of his boss. However, all his manipulations led to nothing. What does it mean?

- “I don’t have enough qualifications, I’m not an interesting conversationalist.” This is exactly the opinion that an employee who is a victim of mobbing develops. Self-esteem decreases. The collection of complexes is replenished. A state of helplessness, vulnerability and depression. Physical condition also worsens: headaches, insomnia, colds.

Constant pressure affects performance. Attention fades, memory deteriorates, and some work issues are resolved with great difficulty. It often happens that mobbing leads to a heart attack or stroke due to psychological stress. In this case, a letter of resignation is the only way out of the situation.

After dismissal, the consequences of mobbing haunt the victim for a long time. This is post-traumatic stress.

It seems that psychological violence is not such a serious “hobby.” However, experts in the field of criminal law put murder, violence and mobbing at work on the same level. It leads to such psychological trauma that it can even induce suicide. Often, victims of mobbing have to turn to psychoanalysts for help.

When a team takes up arms against one employee just for the sake of entertainment, a distraction from routine matters, he does not think about the consequences. But they are serious. And not only for the victim herself, but also for her family and friends. And working in such an unhealthy team is not going well. After all, the main factor for the successful completion of tasks is the atmosphere in the workplace.

Dialogue is always smarter and more productive than any other way to resolve a conflict

• Carry a voice recorder or video camera with you. If the situation gets out of control, at least you will have evidence (for example, to present it in court or to your superiors).
• Don’t be naive and don’t believe the phrase “the victim of mobbing is usually not to blame.” Both sides are always to blame, a priori. Yes, the situation was provoked not by you, but by the team (or boss), but why? There is no point in panicking, wringing your hands and engaging in self-criticism, but analyzing the reasons for this attitude towards you will be very useful. It may well turn out that mobbing is in fact simply a collective rejection of your arrogance, arrogance, careerism, etc. In any case, the infantile position of the “ostrich” will not solve the problem of mobbing. Learn to talk less and hear and see more - a wise and observant person will never become a victim of mobbing.
• If you are an intelligent person, your powers of observation are fine, you don’t suffer from arrogance and arrogance, but they terrorize you for your individuality, then learn to defend it. That is, simply ignore other people’s rejection of your position (appearance, style, etc.). Sooner or later everyone will get tired of picking on you and calm down. True, this only works if your individuality does not interfere with your work.
• If the persecution is just beginning, give a tough rebuff. If you immediately demonstrate that this trick will not work with you, then, most likely, the terrorists will retreat.
• Mobbing is akin to psychological vampirism. And vampires, terrorizing the victim, certainly thirst for “blood” - a response. And if neither aggression, nor hysteria, nor even irritation comes from you, then interest in you will quickly cool down. The main thing is not to break down. Be patient.

Dismissal is the path of the person who waves the white flag. That is, complete defeat. But if you feel that terror at work is gradually turning you into a nervous person with dark circles under your eyes, who at night dreams of a Kalashnikov in your hands, then perhaps a rest will really benefit you. At least in order to treat stress, reconsider your behavior, understand the situation and, having learned the lessons, find a more soulful team.

How to deal with a rude boss

It will be no secret to anyone that trusting relationships with management are a real luxury. And sometimes a person doesn’t need to make any effort for this, he just initially is on the “same wavelength” with his boss. However, such luck is a rare thing and every employee sooner or later has to face the righteous anger of their superiors.

Andrey Shmilovich, chief physician of the Alter Mental Health Center, advises how to behave with such leaders:

First, try to assess the situation. What happened and what exactly caused the boss’s anger? Is this a permanent phenomenon and behavior or is it the result of an emergency situation? Understanding the reasons why another person is showing emotions is extremely important, you can quickly navigate and resolve the situation.

But what to do if shouting is a constant motive in relations with management? Of course, no manager has the right to insult and humiliate an employee; no matter how expensive the work and place, do not lose your dignity. A considerable number of employees, having met with a manager who is prone to shouting and throwing things, simply quit, unable to withstand the pressure. But if your choice is patience and work, the following few tips may help:

Tip 1: Do not respond with aggression to your boss’s emotional outbursts.

Some leaders, even those with a peaceful disposition, believe that shouting is a good motivational stimulus. In this case, the boss does not at all seek to offend, but simply “raises the spirit” of his subordinates.

If the manager’s cry is truly caused by indignation, entering into a dispute will be an even bigger mistake, which can lead to dismissal under the article.

Tip 2: Listen to complaints calmly.

Each of us has a different mentality, some are calmer, and some get excited. It is possible that a small problem (or even a question) has pissed off your manager and he simply cannot otherwise express what he wants. Listen to him to the end, attention on your part will show a respectful attitude, and a full understanding of the claims will allow you to sort things out as quickly as possible.

Tip 3: Don't apologize or make excuses when your boss is angry.

You will still have time to explain your point of view and defend yourself, but now this will only inflame the manager. Listen and take note, try to “keep your face”, no matter how hard it is (don’t grimace, don’t turn away, don’t look “bored”). Just stay neutral. When there is a calmer moment, you will be able to speak and explain, but just as calmly and confidently. Hysteria and resentment have never led anyone to a promotion.

Tip 4: Do not show your “lenience” to the manager’s anger; don’t try to calm him down (“why are you so nervous”, “that would be something”, “why did you shout so much”). We have already said that everyone expresses emotions and accepts problems in their own way. Even a seemingly trivial mistake on your part can be the “last straw” for a manager’s patience. And trying to explain to him that he is worried about a trifle will show your lack of understanding and negligence.

Tip 5: Learn to admit (first of all, to yourself ) that you may be wrong in a given situation.

We are not talking about excessive self-criticism and self-flagellation over every trifle, but in any situation, even if you are absolutely confident in yourself and your skills, leave yourself the right to make mistakes. The ability to admit your mistake is sometimes the first and main step in communicating with management.

If you feel that the situation has returned to normal, be sure to try to talk one-on-one with the manager and solve your problems. Your main weapons are politeness, competence and respect.

Regardless of your own views, learn to respect your management if you want to have this job in the future. Regardless of age, gender, likes/dislikes, interests, manner of dressing and thousands of other factors - your leader is your leader. And our opinion is that in almost any situation and with any boss you can (and should!) find an approach.

We spend most of our lives at work and it is extremely important that the working day does not inspire horror and despair. This is important for our success, for the quality of our work and, ultimately, for our peace of mind. Try to keep it throughout your life and career!