Why are you drawn to a certain person?

Content

New emotions
Drawn to the past
What to do about it

Greetings, my dear readers! Have you ever wondered what is the main principle by which you choose a person for a relationship? Is it just a hobby, strong feelings or a subconscious search for the image of a mother/father? Today I propose to talk about why one is drawn to a certain person. Is it worth giving in to this feeling or should you think about it so as not to destroy your existing happiness?

What to do if you are attracted to a certain person.

Last update:6/02/17

Should you listen to the voice of your heart when making new acquaintances?

Is the voice of the heart the main sign that determines future relationships?

What happens if you like someone right away?

You feel drawn to this person. You want to get to know him better. At the same time, you don’t have to force yourself, everything goes by itself, without much effort. You get in touch with him easily. And before you know it, a romance has already begun.

As a rule, in such cases people cannot resist the voice of the heart and act without thinking. You could say they fly like moths to a light.

If you liked someone at first sight, if you are attracted to some person, get to know him, date for your own pleasure. But don't make premature conclusions about possible relationships in the future, don't take it too seriously.

You may not have a good relationship with the person you were immediately drawn to. And with that person who did not make a special impression on you at the first meeting, on the contrary, a long and, moreover, happy life together is possible.

Ask your friends who are couples how they started dating: were they fascinated by each other at first sight, or did the first meeting mean nothing to them?

You will be convinced that from the first meeting none of them imagined how this acquaintance would end.

Of course, it also happens that you can develop a strong relationship with someone to whom you are immediately drawn. But this is a rare case; it is not without reason that such stories become legends. “They lived happily ever after”... Well, you know how such stories end.

More often than not, relationships that start off stormy quickly fizzle out. So straw in the wind instantly flares up, burns brightly, and then immediately burns out, not giving anyone any warmth.

If something like this has happened to you before, you know what I'm talking about.

Of course, I'm not telling you to avoid people you're attracted to. Listen to the voice of your heart, but at the same time think about why you are drawn to this particular person.

Women are like magpies, they are attracted to everything that glitters and shines. How easy it is to make a mistake here! Try to get to know the person better before jumping headfirst into the pool. Men often make the same mistake when they find themselves at a party where there are a lot of free women, they immediately pay attention to the most beautiful and vibrant women, without noticing that there are equally beautiful, but more modest women nearby.

There is only one piece of advice: do not turn away immediately if you are not attracted to a certain person. Give a chance to someone who didn't interest you when you first met, and it may turn out that over time you will discern in him traits that will attract you to him.

Don't rush to conclusions. Having seen a person once, you cannot judge his attractiveness. Moreover, you cannot make predictions for the future if at the first meeting you felt that you were drawn to the person.

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New emotions

How is attraction formed and why?

The subconscious is primarily responsible for the occurrence of attraction, so at first it is difficult for people to give an adequate answer as to why they are drawn to a certain person. Attraction is accompanied by a strong hormonal release, which puts the brain in a state of euphoria and love. Why does this outburst happen? The reasons can be roughly divided into physiological and psychological.

Physiological reasons	Psychological reasons
Sexual hunger (prolonged absence of sexual intercourse).	The need for intimacy, emotionally close relationships.
Stress, need for relaxation.	Personal attitudes and values (upbringing, outlook on life, goals and needs that the brain reads instantly).
Procreation (the only goal is conception).	Defense mechanisms (what we most need, what we fear).
Pleasure (receiving physical pleasure).	Habit (constant repetition of sexual actions leads to their automatic, uncontrolled commission).

If a girl is attracted to a powerful, dominant man, most likely, her parental family had a patriarchal system, so she is looking for a patron like a father.

If a man is attracted to a woman who is aggressive and disrespectful, then perhaps his mother was harsh and harsh. In this case, the man’s subconscious models the usual stereotype of building relationships between a man and a woman.

Attraction to a stranger is associated with a set of attitudes that are firmly entrenched in a person’s head. The brain selects the most suitable personality based on these criteria, then a chemical reaction occurs. At the level of consciousness, people decide whether a given person is really suitable for them; character, profession, goals, temperament, financial situation, etc. are taken into account.

When a person experiences stress for a long time or does not have sexual intimacy, then attraction can be formed on pure physiology, since sex is the simplest way to relieve tension and get a portion of the happiness hormone.

Important!

Attraction and falling in love are not love. Many people confuse these concepts, since attraction can be strong. But gradually the hormonal levels return to normal and people are no longer so attracted to each other. They begin to soberly assess the situation, and another question arises: why this particular person? Some people manage to make mistakes.

Drawn to the past

But we are drawn not only to something new and unknown. It happens that you just can’t get the image of your ex-lover out of your head. The relationship could have ended several years ago, but you still continue to be drawn to the person.

When the relationship was long-term, this turn of events is not surprising. You just have a lot in common, you have given each other so much that it seems impossible to live without him. You constantly communicated, had mutual friends and acquaintances, you had a common life, common plans. This is what haunts me even after several years.

A person can cling to the past because he does not see his future. Or afraid of the unknown. She doesn’t believe that she can trust another person; it seems that she can no longer build a new good relationship. Therefore, he clings tightly to the past and this notorious attraction appears.

If this is exactly the case for you and you still can’t break with your past, then read the article “How to forget your first love.” Even if you are not attracted to your first love, the article will help you sort out your feelings for the past and you will definitely find the answer to the question - how to forget a person and move on?

The man got lazy, what should I do? How can a woman stop pulling everything on herself?

This article is a continuation of the article “Don’t pull a man, you are not a draft horse.”

So, in the first part, I described in some detail one of the main ways when, little by little, a woman turns from a girl with a man chasing her into a real draft horse. And this “draft horse” pulls everything on itself and for this there is no gratitude from the man. The man has become completely lazy, does not help the woman around the house, does not make decisions, and, moreover, this role of the woman worsens the relationship with the man significantly.

If a man sees a woman as a “horse” who pulls everything on herself, then he may sometimes even be afraid of such a woman, respect her for her strength, but this is not romantic love. (fear and respect are not always).

Let's go through a little about the reasons that cause this behavior and briefly the algorithm for getting out of the situation. Let's understand why a man got lazy and what to do about it? In this article I will describe methods on how a woman can stop burdening herself with everything.

First. Start appreciating yourself and your life .

So a girl starts doing something for a man or for a man.
First it is excessive information, then excessive thoughts about a man, and then the unnecessary actions themselves. Where does this come from? In the first part I wrote about this in detail, read HERE .
Without going into too much depth, the girl, consciously or not, believes that a man’s life is more important, more interesting and more valuable than her own .

If it were different, then the girl would certainly listen to the man and his problems, but she would not perceive this information as something that she must decide, help the man, or even listen too much. (Not listening to a man at all is, of course, too much, or excessive selfishness).

If it were different, then the girl would not interfere in the man’s life (even if at first she thought that someone had treated him unfairly, etc.), but if the man asked her and considered obviously an authority on some issue, she may have given advice. (once or twice, rather than pushing through your decision)

In general, it turns out that for a girl, a man’s life is like some kind of movie or computer game, where everything is much more interesting than in her real life. After all, there you can raise a successful businessman from an ordinary infant, save him from alcoholism, cultivate initiative, etc. What is the life of a simple girl like? Boredom!

To rephrase this, the girl simply doesn’t value herself. She doesn't appreciate what she has. She does not value or does not consider her life and her development important and interesting. .

Otherwise, she simply wouldn’t have much time to understand too much detail about a man’s life. If you want to start appreciating yourself and taking care of your life, I recommend Anastasia Gai’s book “How to Change Your Destiny and Start a New Life.”

And such women need to constantly, for several months, remind themselves that the life of her man (husband and other people in general) cannot be more interesting than her own life.

Even if it doesn't seem like it. Even if a man catches crocodiles and sharks, and flies to the moon in his free time, it still cannot be more interesting than your own life.

You need to understand that if you think that someone’s life is more important than yours, then this is wrong and sooner or later will lead to the destruction of your life.

This is the same as watching TV series or playing computer games for years and thinking that this is an interesting life, but your own life is not at all interesting.

But there (in a man or in a movie, it doesn’t matter) life is someone else’s and is often fictitious in many ways. And your life is your life.

Everything you have done for yourself will improve the quality of your life significantly. And it doesn’t matter whether you deal with appearance, work or understanding the psychology of men. (not only and not so much a specific man, but in principle everyone)

So, you need to try to value yourself and your life. You need to periodically remind yourself that the most interesting thing in the world is changing your life . There may not be crocodile hunting or spaceflight in your life, but that's your life, not men's. (or even children)

The return on what you invest in yourself or a man is incomparable. The contribution to a man's life that benefits the relationship with him is not very large. Then the return begins less and less, and then the efforts quite quickly begin to lead to the fact that the relationship only gets worse.

If you spend time and effort on your life, the quality of your life will improve significantly. If you put effort into understanding men, you will have wonderful relationships with men. (Invest in yourself to please men, not in a man. Going to the gym for a year is investing in yourself. Constantly pushing a man to go to the gym is investing in a man.)

And here I want to remind you of the fine line. You need to do something for a man, and sometimes you need to do a lot. But the man needs to help, and not as if it’s you. In the example in the first part, it is clear that the girl is not so much helping as she is worried about issues that do not essentially concern her.

Second. Stop doing things that your man didn't directly ask you to do. .

For now, at this stage, I suggest not changing your behavior too dramatically. This is fraught with unnecessary outbursts of emotions. Start by not doing anything that is not directly asked.

He asked directly - of course, the first thing he did was come up and ask. Everything is relatively simple here. You either do it or you don't.

But sometimes this is a hidden request from a man. This is where failures occur very often.

M. – “I’m so tired at work today. Worked 4 hours more. Then he swore, then it rained and in the end no one came..."

This phrase is also, of course, a request, albeit a hidden one. At a minimum, a man asks for sympathy and a man’s request is for a man to be listened to.

In the context of the relationship, it could be anything at all. From having a drink to having a big dinner or having sex.

And the first thing you need to get used to is that such phrases are hidden requests . I don’t know why, since it depends heavily on the couple, on their previous relationships, mutual behavior, etc.

A hidden request is not at all the same as a direct request..

For example, the words of a man at the beginning of an acquaintance:

- “Come to me, I’ll show you my new renovation”

Or phrase

- “Come to my place and let’s have sex”

These are completely two different things. Although their content may be about the same thing. I repeat that the same meaning in different words is often completely different things.

The same thing applies to hidden requests.

A man can hint, complain, etc. about something, but this is not at all the same as asking directly. I would say that it is not at all the same .

So what should I do?

The first and most important thing is to simply stop doing what was not asked at all.

Your husband may not ask for your advice. (And normal advice requires a lot of time and effort to understand the situation), and you gave it before. Stop doing this.

The husband may not ask for or even want support, but you give it. (For example, listening too much about him, about his affairs, etc.)

Your husband may not ask for a couple dozen more things that you regularly do for him.

Write these things down, re-read them, and stop doing them.

It doesn't ask and you don't do it. For some women, this is a huge breakthrough in a relationship and sometimes a huge effort to refrain from doing everything for a man.

Believe me, the relationship will immediately become better, even from such a simple action.

Example.

Let’s say that a man complains that the work is hard, the pay is low, etc. Read about how men manipulate and ask for pity in the book “12 Secrets of Managing Men.”

You often give him advice and even convince him of something. Let's say that he deserves a better job, that he needs to look for it, write a resume, go for an interview, etc.

You spent a lot of time convincing a man to write him a resume, etc. But did he ask you for this? No, at least not directly.

Therefore, it is better to shorten the dialogue to:

M. – “The work is hard, the pay is low.”

J. - “Well, yes, sometimes it’s not easy for you.”

And that's enough in 95% of cases.

The second thing is to stop guessing in response to hidden requests. Let the man formulate directly what he needs .

The point is to “stop guessing” in response to hidden requests.

Let’s say a man complained about a hard day, as in the example described above. Usually there is some standard algorithm for how a woman begins to harness herself.

There are different variations, but I will give a few examples.

M. What a difficult day today was...

J. I told you that you need to look for another job. Let's go to the job search site right now. Look here for suitable vacancies, etc.

M. What a hard day it was today.

J. You're whining again. Real men don't whine. They behave like this and that way. You act like a man. Tired at work and nothing. You rested and do something at home, etc.

M. What a hard day it was today.

J. What happened? This one didn’t do it and didn’t call? Here's a goat. When he comes to visit us, I’ll tell him everything.

So, the man is clearly asking for something when he complains about a hard day at work. You need to write down standard reactions (I gave humorous examples) and write another algorithm.

For example, this one.

M. I'm so tired at work. I had to stay late, etc.

J. (after listening a little). Yes, you had a hard day.

There is no need to cling too much to his emotions, as if you were forced to stay late at work and your boss was yelling at you.

There is no need to try to place him somewhere else in a different job or even to push him so that he looks. (If you settle on your own, if you look for it yourself, if you ask to find it, then one thing. If you pull a hippopotamus that doesn’t want to lick it out of the swamp, then another.)

I'm not suggesting that you go from one extreme to another. Of course, it is advisable to listen to your husband.

Of course, if he asks, then you can give some advice or help in some way.

But if you have been dragging everything on yourself for a long time, then it is better to stop taking hints for a while and do something only at your husband’s direct request. (and not always).

Third, start minding your own business..

If you did everything right and stopped partially burdening your husband and children, then you should have freed up energy and time. (for children, these tips can be partially applied depending on their age)

And then start minding your own business. I don’t know what you will do and most likely you yourself don’t know at the beginning.

Try reading for 30 minutes a day.

Maybe you will start communicating with your friends more often.

Maybe you go somewhere alone to take a walk and sit in a cafe.

Then, as you move forward, other goals may arise.

Maybe you want to go to the gym.

Maybe you want to learn something.

There might be something else.

The main thing is to start doing something. Let it be small, but regularly. Then add something else small or expand the first one. It is possible that you will have no interest in something. Let's say that there is no desire to read every day. But something else, on the contrary, will interest you.

And so you go about your business. And here your man may try to pull you somewhere you don’t want to go. Let’s say he says that your passion for flowers doesn’t bring you money and it’s better to do something else. And you will understand how his advice “improves” relationships. If you need help and support, please contact us for Consultation , I will be happy to help.

So, in a few months you can go through these three steps completely and even get used to the new behavior a little. And you’ve made it about halfway to stop dragging a man on you.

And this is often enough for the relationship to simply take off to a new level, the man to become much more active, and the woman to be happier.

Try it and you will definitely succeed.

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