Woman one step before divorce

How do you know when it's time to get a divorce? Psychologist tells

Family psychology is a complex thing. Sometimes couples feel changes and discomfort, but cannot understand the reasons. Especially for 5-tv.ru, psychologist Alexander Shakhov told how to save a relationship or understand that it’s time to file for divorce.

You don't talk to each other

Silence between partners and the inability to discuss problems in a relationship are one of the main signs of a future divorce. If spouses do not communicate with each other, it is worth considering that the relationship has reached a dead end, the psychologist said. But the silence of one of the partners does not always mean an indifferent attitude to the situation: he may simply decide that it is time to file for divorce and is waiting for a decision from you.

In order not to completely destroy the family, Alexander Shakhov advises not to remain silent even during quarrels. It doesn't matter what emotions you feel at this moment. Scream, break dishes, apologize, but talk. If you are able to talk to each other, this means that the feelings are still there and can be saved. If you are completely unwilling to start a conversation, it is better to end the relationship than to drag on a sinking ship.

Relationships don't live up to your expectations

We all expect something from our partner when we enter into a serious relationship, but sometimes it doesn't live up to expectations. It often happens that a man or woman is not satisfied with their life together. In this case, it is worth determining for yourself what you basically wanted to get from a relationship with this person. And did you receive it?

To clearly understand whether the relationship meets your expectations, take a piece of paper and write down your personal criteria on it: love, material wealth, a sense of security, care, and so on. This step will allow you to dot all the i's and understand whether it is worth continuing to live with the person. If not a single item on your list justifies itself, there is no point in delaying the marriage. Expectations are unlikely to come true, and the time spent on a person will not be returned.

You don't understand each other's psychology

As you know, the psychology of a man and a woman is radically different, but for some reason 90% of people forget about this when they enter into a relationship. Everyone has different motives and goals, different views on life and ideas about the world. It is precisely because of the omission of this important factor that big problems arise in the family, says the psychologist. When you at least remotely study the psychology of the opposite sex and understand which levers you shouldn’t pull and which ones you need to grab, your problems will become much smaller. If you are blindly convinced of the opposite and refuse to understand the inner world of your spouse, this means that it is best to separate.

You transfer grievances from the past onto your partner

There is one way to save a failing marriage - check your emotions. It is best to do this with a professional psychologist, advises Alexander Shakhov. What does this point mean? Many people retain grievances from the past and accompany them throughout their lives. Women most often carry grievances against their father from childhood into adulthood, and the inner world of men is burdened by grievances against their mothers. Psychologists call this transference.

Often children’s grievances against their father are transferred to their husband, and troubles with their mother are transferred to their wife. This is the wrong tactic and needs to be eradicated, because your spouse is a separate person who is not to blame for your past. He wants to be a partner, and not get blows for your parents' mistakes. In this case, it is extremely important to contact a specialist and give him the opportunity to look at you from the outside. Only he will be able to determine whether the conflicts in your family are grievances from the past.

Previously, 5-tv.ru told how to understand that you are attracted to your partner.

Raising children is not a reason for divorce

Difficulties often begin when parents have different views on raising children. It seems to dad that his son should go to boxing, and to mom – to ballet. At first glance it seems that this is a trifle, but the further you go, the worse it gets. The wife does not want to make concessions; the husband thinks that his wife is not raising his son or daughter correctly. If there is a girl growing up in the family, dad is even more jealous of her.

As in previous cases, you need to talk about what is wrong. If the couple does not find a solution, there is only one way out - a psychologist. It will help you reach a consensus without doing any harm. A representative of the stronger sex should understand that a daughter has the right to go out with her friends, wear dresses, use cosmetics, and not just sit at home and study. And the guy is simply obliged to help around the house, study and not be rude to his mother.

What should a husband do if he thinks his wife is too strict with the children? Discuss this problem. The wife could also be brought up strictly or, on the contrary, not limited in anything, and she is afraid that the children will not make some mistakes. It should be explained that it is not necessary for a daughter to become pregnant at 15, and for a son to get involved with bad company.

What should not be allowed in relation to children? Under no circumstances should you hit them. This will only worsen the relationship with his wife and children. The child will simply be afraid at first, then hate the offender. The wife also does not have the right to give up, since there will always be another force to force her.

The husband left the family for his mistress, but does not want to get a divorce

Seeing your husband's infatuation with another woman is very painful. It hurts even more when he leaves his family for the other one. During this period, the deceived wife is seething with anger and rage, pain and resentment, and she really wants to quickly get a divorce and erase the traitor from her life. But before you tear all the threads of your marriage, think about whether your family can be saved. Think about it, if your husband left the family, but is in no hurry to get a divorce, it means that something is holding him back, and you can take advantage of this.

Why do men decide to leave?

Some men may have a mistress for many years. Moreover, the other woman, however, is not dirty and vile, as you would like to think. She sincerely believes that your husband is suffering in his marriage, that the only things keeping you from being with him are obligations like children, a mortgage, or illness. but also that he was going to leave you all along. Most likely, she also loves him and believes that someday he will become her husband. In the end, sooner or later she confronts a man with a choice.

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The deciding factor for a man in this case is not how good his relationship with the other woman is. The decisive factor is how good their relationship is with their wife. And if at this moment some kind of crack or conflict appeared in family relationships, rest assured, the husband will go to her. After all, he probably shares all his problems with her, and she can use them for her own benefit. But, as practice shows, leaving for a mistress does not mean divorce. Why doesn't a man immediately file for divorce? There are several reasons for this:

1. Perhaps he left rashly, in a fit of emotion during a scandal. Now he regrets it, but pride does not allow him to return.
2. He is not yet ready to radically change his life. Men after a breakup are not ready to immediately marry another woman. They want to stay longer as a bachelor.
3. He does not file for divorce, because in this case he will have to marry his mistress, and the man does not want that. He didn’t leave one family just to get married straight away.
4. Maybe his remorse is preventing him from getting a divorce. He feels guilty before you, before the children, before his family.

Where do men leave the family and do they leave?

Question about triangles: why do all psychologists invariably say: “men rarely leave the family.” In my circle, many people are in their second marriage. And one day they all left the family for their mistress. There was not a single situation “the marriage had exhausted itself, got divorced, was a little single and got married again.” Maybe something has changed in modern society?

Let's imagine a trivial situation. A woman comes to a psychologist who is waiting for a happy, so to speak, moment when her beloved man will finally announce to his family that he loves another (that is, her), wants to connect his life with her, will gracefully leave his upset relatives and happily rush off to my beloved.

For all my sarcastic description of a common situation, this often looks exactly like this in the fantasies and hopes of our generalized heroine.

What is the main error in perceiving reality in these fantasies? No, it’s not that he, this man, will not leave the family. Men - like women - are leaving their families. And sometimes they don’t leave. And it happens that they drag the cat by the tail for a long time. No, it is not the very expectation of leaving “them” for her that is a delusion. A happy delusion is the idea that a married partner will resolve all his marital problems without it affecting her in any way. She will remain on the sidelines, pure and beautiful, simply modestly waiting for her happiness.

If someone in this text saw a condemnation of this woman on the topic “Oh, how can she! Destroyer of the family! Immoral scoundrel! - then no, these are, as they say, your fantasies.

This short text is about how a woman who hopes to stand modestly on the sidelines and wait for a complex triangular situation in which many people, several families, tangles of feelings and emotions, decisions and consequences of decisions are involved, as a rule, remains modestly standing in aside.

And a woman who, after 35, believes that there are many men who have been divorced for a long time and are trying to get married again. and this group - her main contenders for her hand and heart - is also quite naive.

Men have changed. The world has changed. Society has changed. Life has changed. Women have changed. And in the last decade, men often get divorced not in order, in the banal language of Soviet newspapers, to “tie the knot again.” Men are increasingly getting divorced to gain freedom. For example, in which they did not have time to live in their youth.

Once, at the very first training program for family psychologists, a man of about forty told the other participants: “Convince me that I should get married and that I should change my lifestyle. My daughter has grown up, my ex-wife is married again. I come home from work, pour a little cognac with lemon, make myself a sandwich with salmon, and turn on the TV. My evening is going peacefully. I have enough communication at work. I have enough accomplishments in my business. There are a lot of women for both romance and sex. My apartment is cleaned when I'm not there. The coffee is brewed by a coffee maker, and the laundry is washed by a washing machine. Why should I want to change anything?

So, if you want to find someone who got divorced long before you appeared “on his horizon,” you may well have difficulties. He already feels good - both without you and without his other beloved.

If you expect that they will divorce just for you, because you are beautiful, and you will never be affected by those who left you, you are most likely also mistaken. Children from previous marriages, financial obligations, the affection of your partner’s parents for your ex-wife or ex-husband, your feeling of guilt, your partner’s guilt - all this may come into your life, even if you really wanted to wait out “someone else’s” storm on the sidelines .

Although there are always exceptions.

1. Men leave families. And they go to their mistresses. This does not mean that in a few years they will go to their next mistress. The idea “if he leaves someone, he will leave you too” is a social stereotype that well regulates the expectations of a third party. Often during consultations, men admit: “I am going to leave the family, and I will do this as soon as I find a suitable woman.”

2. Women also leave their husbands. Sometimes from families. More and more often and easier. The better the life of society is. the easier it is to break up socially.

3. It is almost impossible for new husbands and wives to remain “pure” in such stories. Choose. Stand on the sidelines in anxious anticipation for years or realize that you are starting a new family, and you will have to go through many difficult, unpleasant and, at times, quite dirty moments. Condemnation from your loved ones is almost guaranteed. Or on the sidelines. but clean.

4. Men don't always leave for someone else. “A beautiful and brave woman crossed the road, her love was like a precocious cherry” - a good explanation for the injured party. Often men go into a lonely life in every sense. Free swimming. Women, by the way, are increasingly doing the same.

Mistakes of women who are trying to get their husband back

Dealing with a person who wants to leave is different from dealing with a person who has been caught and does not want to leave. The choice a man makes is not about another woman, although both his wife and mistress think so. The choice depends on what he wants for his future. Anything you do that creates resistance or shows disapproval will push him away. Although his behavior is very bad, you cannot force a man to stay by trying to show him in a bad light. Your accusations, attacks or pleas are of no help. These attempts will make you even more unattractive in his eyes and will not save you from divorce.

The biggest threat to your relationship is not your lover. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. There's nothing magical about it. She's just an opportunity that her husband jumped at, so don't get too caught up in thinking about her. The real problem is the loss of spiritual connection with your husband. He does not care about marriage, does not remain faithful to the family. And the reasons for this lie in the fact that he is not satisfied with something about you. Perhaps there are often scandals in your home. Perhaps you have begun to devote less time to your appearance. Or maybe you often deny him sex? Understand that men are designed in such a way that they will not delve into problems or start a showdown. They will simply find a way out that is more convenient for them.

Spousal reunification is impossible in two cases:

1. If there is no emotional connection and sexual attraction between them.
2. Another situation is when a man has already devoted himself to another woman. Evidence of affection is that he moves towards her, promising to marry her, and has a child in common with her.

How to behave towards your husband's mistress

Situations are different, so it is quite possible that your friend or colleague has become a homewrecker. If you live in a small town, it is possible that you know your husband’s mistress. Therefore, you cannot avoid meeting with her. It is important to develop a line of behavior towards it:

• behave, first of all, with dignity: do not make a scandal, do not insult her, do not spread dirty rumors about her;
• remember that this is not some kind of sex symbol, but an ordinary woman who is also worried, jealous and feels guilty;
• you have many levers through which you can bring your husband closer to you: a common home, children, joint holidays and events;
• do not let your mistress find out about some negative situations in your life, about conflicts in the family, problems with children, she will definitely use it against you.

Remember, you have one undoubted advantage: you are a legal spouse, you have a lot in common, and in this fight it is unknown who else will lose. If a man has left for her, but is in no hurry to divorce you, let this woman worry!

Is it worth bringing back my departed husband?

Many psychologists advise the lady to carefully consider the need to return her lover. What factors can influence this?

1. A woman must understand that a partner who left once can do it again, which means there will be inconstancy in the relationship.
2. If partners have feelings for each other, you need to try to save the marriage.
3. If a man decides to commit meanness or betrayal, it is worth restoring the relationship only in the most extreme cases.
4. After leaving and returning, there will no longer be the same trust in the family.
5. Restoring relationships will take a lot of time, which will most likely be wasted.

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Not all unions deserve to be fought for to the end. But if a woman loves her husband immensely and cannot live without him, such a struggle makes sense.

How to behave if your husband leaves the family: important advice from a psychologist

If your husband left the family, this is not a reason to become hysterical and think that life is over. There are correct behavioral tactics that will help you avoid stress and solve the problem with dignity. We will share it in this article. You will learn why spouses leave their wives, how to react to the desire to file for divorce, and how to behave when breaking up. You will also decide what to do after the breakup of a marriage, whether it is worth returning the departed man and how to do it competently. You will find advice from experienced psychologists and a way out of the situation.

How to cope with your husband leaving your family

Of course, a woman’s initial task is to pull herself together and not allow emotions to prevail over reason. There is no need to suffer and consider yourself the most unfortunate woman. The sooner you stop feeling sorry for yourself and accept the truth, the sooner you will begin to heal and create a better, happier life. A few tips will help you with this:

1. If your husband left home, this does not mean that you are to blame. Even the most beautiful, successful and rich wives are cheated on.
2. Forgive your husband, even if he doesn't ask for forgiveness. Don't let the most negative emotions take over you.
3. Stop comparing yourself with another woman It is pointless and useless to compare yourself with her, trying to understand why your husband left for another. It's a waste of time and energy! Accept that for some reason your husband had to leave.
4. Rest more and engage in self-development. You definitely need to take your mind off your depressive thoughts. Spend time with your children; it is especially important for them not to feel the pain of the situation.
5. Take care of your appearance, update your wardrobe. In these difficult times, it is very important to feel like a beautiful and desirable woman.
6. Don't refuse help. It doesn’t matter whether it’s friends or family, a spiritual mentor or a psychotherapist, but someone needs to be nearby. Someone who will help you not to lose yourself and your faith in good things.

And at the end of the day, just bring newness into your life. This is your chance to start a new chapter in your social, professional, personal or spiritual life! Take a vacation, join a new gym, join a new social club, change your job, move to a new city. If your husband left the family, it may be the end of one stage of your life, but the beginning of a completely new era!

What to do after your spouse leaves

And now the woman is left alone, what should be the algorithm for her actions? It all depends on the specific situation. If a man does not have a new girlfriend, it is better to behave as follows:

• occasionally meet in a common company or at parties, while looking chic;
• invite your husband to your place so that he can pick up the remaining things and at the same time remember the warmth of the hearth;
• if the couple has children together, spend time together, emphasizing the importance of family values;
• if a man is seriously offended, there is no need to ask for forgiveness; you should prove through your actions that the woman has repented (show how upset you are, say that you will improve).