Man is a social being, so comparing oneself with others is at the level of reflexes. Society presents comparison as the norm to evaluate achievements. But this process can become both destructive and fill it with resources. How this happens - read the article.
My name is Irina Zhuravel. I am a psychologist, energy therapist, theta healer, expert in the field of self-esteem and self-love, trainer of the “Growth Phase” company. And in this article, I will answer frequently asked questions regarding self-esteem and comparing yourself to others.
Read to the end if you are interested in finding out:
- What are the benefits of comparing yourself to others?
- How to extract a resource from this?
- Why is comparison an unconditioned reflex and how to work with it?
Watch the video on our channel to learn how not to compare yourself to others and how to take resources from what we like or don’t like in others.
WHERE DOES THE COMPARISON COME FROM?
Comparing yourself to others can be considered the foundation of self-esteem. If a person is alone in this world, then how can you find out what he is worth and how he evaluates himself if there are no other examples. This is a natural process that works every time we are in society. Here it is customary to look at each other and thus show both common features and differences.
In the process of growing up, a child sooner or later declares himself as an individual. He begins to realize what he is like based on what others say about him.
And here there is a certain risk that the opinions of others will not play in his favor. At the same time, he will come to realize that in some aspects or traits he is superior to others.
It happens that instead of realizing your unconditional value, which is expressed in the fact that from birth a person is loved and beautiful in his manifestation, that initially everything is fine with him, that self-esteem, like a mood, can change - you can only worsen your condition and lose a considerable amount of energy.
RESOURCES IN COMPARISON
In comparison, there are only 2 options for development: either a person looks at it as a resource and a desire to achieve more, or abandons it and moves on to searching for internal motivation. Why does this happen and how?
There are many negative beliefs in society around comparing yourself to others. But at the same time, people do not notice that they can benefit from this in the form of a desire for development. For example, if one woman sees another woman, but more successful, happier, driving a new car, then she sees herself in her own untapped potential.
The resource will manifest itself in the form of goals using real examples, which will provide space for her to look at herself differently. If she sees a brand new Ferrari, a happy bride or a successful businesswoman, then most likely it is about herself, about the opportunities that she has not yet discovered.
I always advise looking at comparison as resource potential. But if resentment, indignation, envy, or, moreover, a desire to take something away from a person emerge inside, it is better to refuse comparison. The way out in this case may be to turn to your “I” and answer the questions: “Who am I?”, “What is unique about me?”, “Why am I not like everyone else and why is this good news? " And it’s better to set goals based not on external factors, but on internal ones. They should stem from an awareness of your true desires and what only makes you happy.
How to become a happy woman, see yourself and the situation from the outside, establish relationships with a man and understand his psychology, we will tell you in the free online course “Man: honest instructions for use without drama and manipulation.”
INTERNAL CONFLICT
Of course, comparison allows you to see your potential, set the right goals and move towards them. But at the same time, it is important to understand that often the reason for comparing oneself with others is low self-esteem, uncertainty, certain traumatic programs, based on beliefs: “there is something wrong with you,” “you are not good enough,” “you do not deserve more.” .
In the case when the inner critic constantly provokes you into negative thoughts and emotions towards yourself, the goals achieved most likely will not make you happy.
Why is this happening? Because by satisfying beautiful desires, comparison seems to stop, because the thought arises: “Now I am the same.” But there is no feeling of happiness, because the question was different.
If you have encountered this, I recommend focusing on what makes you compare your life with someone else’s, find that inner child who cries and wants to be held and told: “You are loved. Are you all right. There are other people around - more successful ones. But you have other strengths and I love you. Know that for me you are the most valuable and important.”
Imagine a school bench and two students in front of a blackboard. One of them solved the problem, but the other did not. And now they are at a labor lesson. And the one who solved the mathematical equation failed his wood carving homework, and the other one, accordingly, did it easily.
This example shows that you cannot compare two people with different abilities and talents, even if they are similar in some ways. And if you are not good at mathematics, there is no need to compare yourself to someone who lives in numbers.
Comparing children is a completely natural and ubiquitous process. It begins long before the baby is born. So, having come to their senses after the shocking words of a friendly gynecologist, turning over the result of a mother’s pregnancy test in her hands, adults begin to look around at the children who come into view and imagine what their baby will be like. Who is he like, whose character will he inherit? Both parents feel much calmer and more confident after being carried away by this game. They program the family for the best.
Then relatives and other “initiates” join the event. They tell you how mom should feel, how dad should feel... And if not everything is identical to their descriptions, panic begins. And when a newborn turns out to be categorically inconsistent with the parents’ fantasies, there is real hysteria.
Another source of the desire to compare is the Internet, with its forums, blogs, and other “distributors of information.” TV and “smart books” come some way behind.
The next problem is comparison with one’s own experience. Do you remember how mom told me that smart children should be able to read books fluently at the age of four? And also how you yourself learned to swim by the age of three. So what if they almost drowned, so what if grandma had a heart attack? But you’ve been telling all your friends about this for thirty years. There is something to be proud of!
And so, the comparison machine rocks more and more. And the baby meets our expectations less and less. He doesn't look at all like his dad or his grandfather. What can I say, he doesn’t look like anyone else at all! A neighbor noticed that the child's eyes were crossed. And they really do mow! How come we didn’t notice before! Or is everything okay? The school teacher sadly announced that it was too early for us to start first grade, and all sorts of Montessori and Zaitsevs were nervously smoking on the sidelines from all this booth with futile attempts at early development.
Here you need to immediately understand that waiting for some specific, programmed child is an extremely thankless task. Every new birth is a date with a complete stranger. Perhaps he will have his mother's eyes and his father's habit of nervously scratching the back of his head. But it is likely that you will not find in the crumbs absolutely nothing of what you expected. Therefore, the main task of parents is to understand their baby, realize his characteristics and help him develop in the direction he has chosen.
How can you resist comparisons? It's actually not that simple. Education in kindergartens and schools is based on the organization of competitions between children. How else can you force them to study if they lack motivation? Even first-graders know very well that they will (or will not) study at universities, regardless of their final grades. And a diploma in our country is needed, frankly speaking, exclusively by representatives of several professions: scientists, doctors, teachers and legal professions. The rest will be hired without proof of knowledge.
In addition, the competitive spirit is embedded in us somewhere on a subconscious level. When approaching a buffet, we try to take more, even if we are not hungry. At the end of the performance, you simply need to be among the first to pick up your coat from the cloakroom. And when another car overtakes us on the road, we just want to press the gas harder.
Nevertheless, coping with yourself is not only possible, but also necessary when it comes to raising children. Just think about what is more important to you: the baby’s well-being or the envy of other parents?
And don't forget that the world is changing rapidly. What was the norm for children 30 years ago today categorically does not correspond to the realities of life. And if your baby has not yet learned something, take a closer look at him, perhaps he has abilities that will determine the children of the future.
SHOULD YOU COMPARE YOURSELF WITH OTHERS?
There is a resourceful way to compare: yourself today and 5 years ago. Ask yourself what you have achieved during this time, how many transformations have you gone through, what have you realized or what mistakes have you made? Create your own scale to track your progress. If there had not been that path, then perhaps there would not have been those emotions, feelings, relationships, and most importantly, you would not have become yourself.
Should you compare yourself to others? To answer this question for yourself, remember a recent situation when you compared yourself with others and ask counter questions:
- How do I feel now?
- How do I feel after comparing myself to others?
If after this comparison you have a desire to achieve, set goals for yourself, you access the resource and are inspired, perhaps for you this is what is worth doing, which will reveal your potential.
If the opposite happens: you are depressed, feel exhausted, your own insignificance and self-esteem plummets, then why this comparison? Stop yourself at this point and realize that this is not your way of setting goals. You are better suited to act from within - from your value, not determined by external factors.
Let me give you an example. Imagine two women. One of them lives in a small, simple house outside the city, and the second, thanks to her work and perseverance, settled in the center of the capital and drives a luxurious, expensive car. Everyone will think about her that everything turned out well for her, but they will not understand that often behind the external picture there are many problems hidden: with health, family, and so on. Having success and popularity, she may not feel satisfaction, harmony, or happiness.
In this case, then fear and the problem of how to maintain it or reach new heights arise. She will do all this not for the sake of her happiness, but for the sake of approval, because inside there will be questions: “What if I don’t achieve?”, “Am I unworthy of love?”
You can minimize the impact of your destructive attitudes by asking yourself, regardless of external factors or the conditions in which you find yourself: “Am I satisfied with myself?” and “Am I loved?” And the more inner love is felt, the more the focus will be on virtues and values. And the desire to achieve will come from “I want, I wish, I love,” and not from proof of one’s own importance.
I told you how to achieve the state of a happy woman and live from your true desires in an article about the resource state.
Children's question Why shouldn't you compare your child with other children?
The comments of a stranger are fundamentally different from the comments of parents. And it’s not just about the content, which can be either fair or not. Such remarks can seriously hurt a child and disrupt his relationship with his parents, and undermine trust in the family. This is especially true for children over three years old. For young children - up to about three years old - the assessments of an outsider are not yet very significant.
Often, parents compare their child with other children for pedagogical purposes. “But Masha knows how to make a bridge, but you don’t”, “Petya is already playing chess, but you can’t even learn how the pieces move”, “Anya is such a polite girl, she always says hello, but you...”.
Why do we, adults, compare our children with other children? Of course, so that they become better. Most often, parents say this: “I point out to him other children, their merits, so that he can see how to do things. So that he would look at them, do as they do, and reach out for them.”
Do such comparisons help you become better or learn something new? Let me suggest you a little experiment. I guess not many adults can do somersaults easily. And if I tell you: “Well, why don’t you know how to do a somersault, but Ivan does it so deftly”? How will you feel? Will you have a desire to follow Ivan and become better? I think that most people will not have this desire.
Instead, other emotions will arise: embarrassment and awkwardness (Ivan can do it, but I can’t), shame (how much I, it turns out, can’t do) and indignation towards me (should everyone do somersaults, or something?). Why did these feelings arise? The fact is that with my words I devalued you. At that moment, the somersault became an important, central skill, and the inability to do it became almost shameful. Yes, you don't know how to do a somersault. It is a fact. But this is definitely not a reason to devalue you.
Now let's get back to our children. Devaluing their skills in particular and themselves in general will not help them become better. If we say to a child: “Vasya is such a great guy, he helps his mother, not like you!” — we indirectly tell the child that Vasya is good and he is bad. This devaluation often leads to the fact that a person (child or adult) begins to feel worse than another - more inept, less intelligent, incapable.
Experiencing oneself as the worst, unfortunately, usually does not encourage a person to actively strive to become better. In addition, comparison is not so much about stimulating a child to become better. This is the message “become better than the other” or even “let him become worse than you.” And then the goal of the child’s life can become competition. It is the best to study, the fastest to read, the best to count. When competition becomes the goal, the content of life is lost, since the main thing becomes the desire to become better than others at any cost.
Compare your children with them, but in the past. They did not know how to walk and learned, they did not know how to read and learned, they did not know how to swim and also learned. This means they can learn almost anything they want. And even do somersaults.
