How and when do children become “difficult”?
Everyone knows that newborn “people” are not adapted to independent life and require care. Newborn “people” have only unconditioned reflexes. Then, over a long period of time, they socialize. Adults help them with this. Adults plan the “future” of the child. And on the one hand, this is a big plus for the child, but on the other hand, it can also become a big minus. Unfortunately, not all adults take into account the child’s subjectivity. And some are sure that a child is an object that does not have its own will and desires, and is obliged to do what they want from it.
So, as long as everything goes according to the adults’ plan, the adults are calm. However, the child does not want, can or should meet all the expectations of adults. And as soon as the expectations of adults and the result diverge, then tests begin for adults. Some adults begin to feel frustrated and lose motivation. Other adults may begin to panic out of desperation. Still others are constantly frustrated by the fact that they do not have the opportunity to influence their children and bring them closer to the planned result.
If over time the situation does not change for the “better,” then this moment becomes a turning point in the perception of these children by adults. And children move into the category of “difficult”. Parents, educators, teachers, in order not to admit that they are helpless to influence the situation, having tried all the tools available to them, begin to blame the children for their failure to cope with the task assigned to them, and begin to consider the children unreasonable and ungrateful. And the children sincerely do not understand what they did wrong and what their fault is.
What can adults do at this point to avoid being labeled a “problem child”?
- Frustration indicates that the results that adults want to achieve are unrealistic. And, accordingly, you need to replace them with real ones.
- The feeling of despair signals that you have done everything you could, and if this was not enough, then it’s time to tune in to other results. And accordingly reconsider plans for the child.
- A feeling of impasse , as well as frustration , signal the need to look for another course of action, since previous courses of action did not have an effect.
I am who I am
Everyone is familiar with the following reason for the protests. More than one generation has grown up with this, and, unfortunately, each of us has our own experience of such a “struggle” with our parents and, as a result, with ourselves - this is a rebellion against insults and against the formation of an inferiority complex.
A typical case: a student did not do his homework. Mom came home from work and demanded that she do what she needed to do. If you tell a child that he is this and that (undisciplined, stupid, lazy, etc. - insert your favorite word), then the child will begin to perceive his “I”, his feelings and his behavior as one whole, he will begin to fight against such insults, proving that he is not like that.
But it is practically impossible to prove this, it is impossible, and as a result, the complex “I’m not like that, there’s something wrong with me” is formed, and a feeling is created that they don’t like him. And then all the parents’ words that they love the child will fall on deaf ears.
Most of us grew up and were brought up on this pedagogical mistake. We still associate ourselves with our behavior, our feelings, we do not give ourselves the right to make mistakes, we judge ourselves harshly and squeeze our negative emotions into our bodies, not recognizing or allowing ourselves to express them, since we were condemned for this many times in childhood and believed that this was correct. But a person is not his behavior, not his feelings, and not even his thoughts. All this changes so many times throughout life!
What is the way out? Admit it. And if you need to reprimand a child for his behavior, then talk only about this and precisely about this, for example, in the following way: “I didn’t like your action,” or “behaving this way is unacceptable (unacceptable),” or “your behavior made me sad.” very upsetting." Do you feel the difference? Not “you upset me,” but “your behavior upset me.” And then there is no conclusion “I always upset everyone, I’m bad.” But there is a radically different understanding of the situation and oneself in general: “I am behaving unworthily.” And this is usually followed by a conclusion about correcting the error or behavior, etc., but not yourself. A child will grow and develop as a full-fledged person and behave like a friend if he perceives himself as a full-fledged person and sees that an adult perceives him the same way.
By falling into humiliation and insults during the process of upbringing and at the same time trying to be a friend to the child, we, parents, are only deceiving ourselves.
A little about “difficult” children
“As an adult, you will have the right to drink and smoke.”
Some “difficult” children quickly want to become “adults” and eliminate age discrimination in order to begin to manage themselves by starting to smoke and drink, since most often such “fetishes” as smoking and alcohol are positioned as a sign of adulthood. Unfortunately, “difficult” children do not understand that cigarettes and alcohol are far from such concepts as personal maturity and responsibility for the quality of their lives. But the personal example of adults and the phrases that adults regularly repeat: “When you become an adult, you can drink and smoke, but now you can’t” or “Only adults can drink and smoke,” etc., usually lead to the opposite effect.
Of course, by saying such phrases, adults want to delay the development of bad habits in “difficult” children, but children understand the message literally and form a cause-and-effect relationship: when you become an adult, you will have the right to smoke and drink. And so they drink and smoke and believe that this is a sufficient condition to feel like adults.
It is especially harmful to say such phrases in adolescence, when children become rebels and nihilists and only in order to be able to separate in the future. It is better not to associate alcohol and cigarettes with mandatory attributes of adult life and orient children towards a brighter adult future.
Children also want to become adults so they can do what they want. They are confident that as soon as they declare themselves “adults,” they will have freedom of choice and action. This happens because adults have the habit of prohibiting and forcing something, giving orders, like in the army. A senior officer, when giving an order, automatically takes responsibility for the final result. The soldier obeys the order and has no right to challenge it. However, this method of communication between adults does not lead children to independence, flexibility of thinking, successful “struggle” for resources, or instilling the skill of being responsible for their actions and accepting the consequences of their actions. This method leads to the development of dependence on other people’s “brains,” moods, desires and actions. Do you really want child puppets who will be easy to control as adults?
Philosophy of life and love
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Family and Children. Adult children. Why do problems arise for parents and children? The problems of adult children in relationships with their parents are when the children themselves become parents, of which (problems, of course), as life shows, there are many, rooted in early childhood.
To create new problems. Additional. Which, as a rule, are layered on top of each other. This is impossible without understanding the reason.
Without eliminating what causes resistance to whatever the parents say, even if they, the parents, are absolutely right.
The problem of “fathers and sons” is as old as the world. And, as it seems, in the modern world it is aggravated by the fact that the “old” methods of education are, as it were, an anachronism, and the new, “liberal” ones, supposedly children should be protected from the arbitrariness of their parents, have a completely opposite effect. Because there are often cases when parents need to be protected from their growing children.
In general, a paradoxical situation is created. On the one hand, as the great and unsurpassed satirist Arkady Raikin stated from the stage, “you need to flog” sounds, as it were, wildly. Moreover, if you consider that violence causes retaliatory violence. And fear gives rise to the desire to “cunning” so that the desired is achieved and the punishment can be avoided.
On the other hand, one cannot ignore the fact that the baby does not grow up in a vacuum. He inevitably goes out into society (kindergarten, school, and then in increasing order), encounters a different model of behavior, learns to compare and give his own assessments of the reality around him.
It is also important to take into account the fact that young parents, although adults by age, are still children to their parents, and will remain so. Although time will “silver” them.
As from the position of their parents (everyone entering the “adult world” seems to know life well enough; everyone goes through this). So it is from the perspective of the “historical period of time,” so to speak. Because conclusions are drawn mainly based on “other people’s life experience,” but you don’t have your own yet.
As you know, everyone has their own truth, but the truth is somewhere in the middle. But, this “golden” mean cannot be determined without “hitting”, otherwise how to understand what “hurt” is?
But simply put, young parents themselves still live with emotions, and not least the decisive factor is that they, adult children, seem to be trying to prove to their own parents that the decisions they make are correct. And most often, this concerns the relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Of course, it happens that the mother-in-law, even if she believes that (in her opinion) her son’s choice is not entirely successful, takes a position of neutrality, and then the adult children have at least one less problem. By the way, contrary to the general opinion that the mother-in-law is always dissatisfied with the choice of her daughter and does not love her son-in-law a priori, the problem is more far-fetched. It is easier for a son-in-law to find a common language with his mother-in-law than for a daughter-in-law with his mother-in-law. Perhaps the problems of adult children, like any other problems of interpersonal relationships, could be solved if everyone learned not only to listen, but to listen. And we would learn to understand that problems are created by people themselves, their perception, their attitude to the situation. And nothing else. You can always look at the same situation differently. You can smile and say to yourself: “That’s a problem...”. And, you can raise such a storm in a glass of water that no one will find it enough. Neither ours nor strangers. What's the hardest thing? Realizing your own mistakes, having the courage to admit them and the desire to correct them, regardless of age (both the child and parents) or “authority,” that is, social status, is the first step to not creating new problems. And, also, to solve those that prevent you from being truly close people, not only by “blood”, but also by spirit. Parents of adult children should be more tolerant, more often remember themselves at their age, and not put them in the position they themselves were in, having become parents themselves, but not being freed from the guardianship of their own parents. Today, it often happens that the older generation (especially daughters-in-law who have become mothers-in-law), on the contrary, tries to put the young in the conditions in which they themselves once were. Well, why? After all, this only aggravates the problems of adult children. It is not entirely reasonable to put children (all children, adults and children) before a choice: choose who is dearer to you. It is important to understand that Love is different! And, it is built on different relationships, both in relation to parents and in relation to members of one’s own family.
If you don’t find the right answer to the fundamental question: why do problems arise between parents and children in the first place! Without this understanding, the problems of adult children and their parents will grow like a snowball, and therefore will be transferred to the next family. And there will be an additional problem in a very important “community” such as the family. And, he will “draw” into his circle already adult grandchildren, who during their lives have observed the “confrontation” between their parents and their parents. Therefore, we are talking about the fact that the problems of adult children are “laid down” in early childhood.
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How to communicate with children whom you would like to call “difficult”?
- Remove the label of “difficult” children from them, since it is difficult for you to communicate with them. So as not to listen: “I’m difficult, what do you want from me?”
- Pay attention to your actions, how reasonable and appropriate they are in a particular situation, and how they correspond to the child’s psychological age and their abilities.
- Transfer freedom and responsibility to the child for his actions in accordance with his age. The child has a motive → sets a goal → independently decides how to act → accepts responsibility for the consequences of his actions . For example, a student received a grade that he did not like and that he did not expect. Some may indignantly, dissatisfiedly or defiantly “hang the question in the air”, sitting in place and shouting: “Why did you give me...?” If a student’s self-esteem is tied to his grade in a subject, then it’s difficult for him to accept reality. Assessment in a subject is feedback on the quality and quantity of his knowledge and that’s all. If knowledge is not enough, then it is possible, if necessary, to fill the gap. For a student who is ready to be accepted as “imperfect” and he is ready to accept himself as “imperfect” too, an unwanted grade will not cause so many negative emotions. The more significant the result, the stronger the emotions. The student’s inability to accept the real result forces the psyche to defend itself. In this case, doubt the objectivity of the assessment. If you are confident in the objectivity of the grade given, in the quality of the knowledge being taught, then return responsibility for the grade to him - you can answer, for example, like this: “Because in the test you decided / wrote ... the correct answer / because it reflects the real level of your knowledge.” . You can even add the word “unfortunately” if you are also upset about his level of knowledge. This will show sympathy and understanding of his current condition. Just don’t get into an argument, even if he wants to continue the dialogue. Just repeat the phrase you said again. It is better to postpone a detailed analysis of the test to another time, after he has experienced the emotion and is ready to hear you. If you are facing an emotional blackmailer or you find it difficult not to engage in controversy, come to the “Emotional Blackmail” course.
- It is better not to prohibit smoking or drinking, since usually the forbidden fruit is even sweeter. Alternatively, you can do this: give an emotionally vivid real example. A vivid emotional example is needed, because only with emotions can you infect another person, and especially a child. No reasonable arguments will help. Any image that evokes emotion in another person can be considered truly lived. The brain does not know how to distinguish fantasies from reality and reacts the same to both. Then be sure to give an alternative, that is, give an equally emotionally vivid example of different behavior. Say something like this: “I worry about your health and mental abilities, and of course, you yourself will choose how to live in the future. And now, due to your age, you still have little experience, and therefore I want to share with you my... (images).”
- Reinforce any behavior that you as a teacher perceive as positive. Even if he opened a textbook, a notebook, crawled out from under his desk. Students need positive reinforcement. You just need to know what kind of praise the child will consider praise. For example, if he ignored your request several times and suddenly did it, then you need to reinforce this action, and not say the following: “That’s why you didn’t do that right away. You can whenever you want. Just be so"). By doing this, you will not reinforce the student’s reaction, but with your dissatisfaction with the expectation, you will reinforce the thought: “Do or do not, but the teacher is still dissatisfied.”
- Try to exclude from your vocabulary such generalizing words as: “never”, “always”, “nobody”, “everyone”, “all” if you use them. Generalization devalues the entire experience of all students in the class and shows the futility of all their efforts and actions. Subsequently, if repeated regularly, it can lead students to feel helpless in their ability to achieve the goal and may or may feel hopeless in achieving the goal, as it is beyond their capabilities. And as a result, a decrease in motivation to study and attend school. For example, when criticizing a student's work, don't say, “You always get it wrong,” even if you're speaking out of frustration. Specify what he is doing right and what needs to be corrected.
There are also students - emotional blackmailers who have learned to achieve their goals in certain ways. They require special attention. Learn more about them, how to communicate with them and maintain your integrity in the course “Emotional Blackmail.”
PS Children who cannot concentrate on one subject for a long time, who lack perseverance, are not considered in this article, since they have other problems.
