These are the 10 things that spouses argue about most often. How to avoid quarrels on this basis?

Disputes and disagreements arise in every family - this is natural, because we are all human and have our own opinions on things. Life without this would even be boring. However, it is important not to cross those boundaries after which it can be extremely difficult to go back.

"Successful couples don't try to change each other; they find a plan that works for both of them."

Money

Money permeates almost every area of a family's life. There are many situations. Marriage with a person who has completely different financial goals (or their complete absence) and life habits is fraught with frequent disagreements. Or when the topic of money in the family is taboo, and the spouses do not talk about money until they bring the family to a state of bankruptcy or financial (credit) slavery. Or when one spouse earns significantly more than the other, which causes dominance. Or a constant lack of money, etc. All these and many other monetary reasons can ruin a marriage. Read: Financial mistakes leading to divorce and How to talk to your spouse about money and not kill each other?

Reception of friends and relatives

Bad habits

In addition to the fact that bad habits such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. destroy health and relationships, they slowly and surely ruin the family. Read the topic: 20+ simple habits that will make you richer and more successful 16 habits of the poor What would you change if you could go back 10-20 years? Reader Poll Results!

Family quarrels: understand and overcome

Even in the most loving family, quarrels occur from time to time. The way family life works is that conflicts are a kind of friction force. Painlessly, step by step, the spouses get used to each other, become one - a family, a family organism. Psychologists distinguish between so-called “working” conflicts and “breakdown” conflicts, which lead to disharmony and total, long-term deterioration.

Sometimes spouses themselves do not understand why a quarrel broke out. Just one time - and they had a fight. But both “you need to know the enemy by sight” and quarrels - the enemies of family peace - are useful to study in a neutral time, when everything is calm in the relationship, in order to better understand how to prevent them.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Quarrels over everyday life and distribution of family roles This is one of the most common reasons for conflicts. Spouses need to agree well on who will do what in the family in the first months and years of marriage. But when a child is born, a serious redistribution of roles occurs, and this process can be accompanied by quarrels.

There are known conflicts over a trash can, and a song about a tube of toothpaste has become a popular hit. And it would be funny, but the first peak of divorces occurs in the second or third year of marriage. This is the same “they didn’t get along”, “they didn’t agree”, and such divorces occur mainly on domestic grounds.

Most of these families can be saved if the spouses realize in time what is happening and turn to friends or specialists for help.

Quarrels over raising children When children are born, different points of view are added to the “favorite” reasons for quarrels on how to do something correctly with kids, how best to respond to their behavior. Quarrels over a child, finding out who is right and who is wrong, can be very acute and painful. Dad, as a man, considers one thing necessary and correct, while mom, with her feminine reactions, considers something completely different.

And if grandparents also try to put pressure on them with experience, the situation escalates and threatens to escalate into an “armed clash.”

In addition, the spouses grew up in completely different families and circumstances. But it seems to everyone that his way of calming children or punishing them is correct. Just as only your mother knows how to cook “proper borscht,” so the correct methods of education were known only to your parents.

Or quite the opposite - after all, there are situations and families in which it is important to do everything in the opposite way.

Children's Reaction to Parents' Conflicts When parents argue, a small child may feel like the world is falling apart. After all, he belongs entirely to the family until he is 7 years old, and the reliability of his universe is the reliability of his parents’ relationship.

Children may be afraid of mom or dad's loud and angry voice, and at such moments they are convinced that they are not needed, that no one loves them.

Children begin to fear for the relationship of their parents and behave too well, which is caused by excessive stress and can lead to neurosis, and if the conflict between the parents is protracted and serious, the child may even get sick.

If quarrels occur because of children, children feel responsible and think that it is they who are to blame for the fact that their parents fight and are dissatisfied. And this prevents children from growing up calmly.

This reaction to parental quarrels is a scientifically established fact. The reasons for it are unknown, and many adults do not even realize that children blame themselves for quarrels that have absolutely nothing to do with them.

The child’s position can be expressed as follows: “If I were good enough, they would not quarrel, or I would be able to reconcile them.”

Psychologists know that when parents separate, 90% of children blame themselves, and in order to convince them, a considerable amount of corrective work is required.

Trying to make peace The most important stage of a conflict is reconciliation.

No matter how stormy the spouses’ temperament may be, no matter how difficult life circumstances may become, if you want to save your family, you must master the science of reconciliation.

Attention - quarrel In order to make peace, you need to realize that you are quarreling. Sometimes tension and hostility increase gradually, and the spouses themselves do not have time to notice what is happening to their relationship.

The first thing to do to prevent a fire is to say “burn.” To prevent conflict, you need to tell each other: “Attention! Argument". Some married couples come up with special funny words to indicate the beginning of a conflict, for example “alarm”, “we are boiling”, “kirdyk”. You can come up with such a symbol over a cup of tea when your relationship is in order.

Try to stop Understanding that a quarrel has started is not about starting to stir it up, but about trying to stop. Just as boxers have a “break” command in the ring, spouses can try to agree in advance that as soon as they find themselves quarreling, they will try to stop, “take a break.”

If you start shouting or proving something in anger, it is absolutely not necessary to finish saying everything you think. In a quarrel and shouting, information is still not perceived, and the relationship will be ruined for some time.

“Slowing down” is not easy. If you try not to stir up a fight and stop, you will see how difficult it is. Spouses (especially women) are drawn to say everything they think and do everything they want to do.

And then repentance, guilt, stormy tears and reconciliation. And so on in a circle, but mutual fatigue can accumulate over time, and the relationship deteriorates seriously and for a long time.

Therefore, you should not go to the limit every time.

Short break If you find yourself in a quarrel, leave the room, interrupt the conversation, temporarily stop contact. Half-sentence and without revenge. Just stop arguing.

How can I just stop this? Stopping means stopping at the very moment when you saw (often in emotionally charged moments you see yourself as if from the outside) that you are swearing and your communication is completely negative. Right now, without finishing a phrase or a word, try to remember that in a quarrel you cannot say or prove anything to each other. You can only ruin the relationship.

And if you’ve already screwed yourself up and it’s difficult to stop, you can try to take advantage of the “peace agreement” concluded with your loved ones in advance.

Peace Agreement During neutral times, you agree on how to help each other in the event that someone starts to “go overboard.”

Usually in a family there is one “soloist” from adults and one from children. It depends on temperament, nervousness, level of stress. In the long term, the role of soloist may go to someone else, but in the short term, someone specific is usually the soloist.

What if it’s impossible to control yourself? Sometimes it happens that the family system is so unbalanced and nerves are shaken that it is simply impossible to take control of your emotions. There is a desire, but control is not restored, the brakes fail.

If we are talking about a woman, then this is exactly the reason:

count how many hours a day you sleep. And if it’s less than 6.5, then somehow change the situation;
contact an endocrinologist, homeopath or neurologist (rule out, as they say, physiological and hormonal disruptions);
understand what global, long-term stress may affect you (for example, toxicosis or lactation, moving, change in financial status or family composition);
remember, perhaps, in the family where you grew up, lack of control over negative emotions was a tradition?

And if you try again and again, bring it to confession, but even small steps towards increasing control over emotions are not observed, you may well seek help: start reading special literature or visit a psychologist.

In order to return the situation to at least relative control, you must first try to reduce the intensity of passions and relieve emotional intoxication. It's similar to dealing with food allergies - when it gets worse, you react to almost everything. And you need to go on a strict diet to get out of the clinch. Later, when the situation stabilizes, it is possible to expand the diet.

It’s the same with quarrels: first you need to go on an emotional diet, at least for a while.

React, but how? If you constantly throw out negative emotions on your loved ones, there will be more of them, not less. The model of a vessel that can be emptied and it remains empty does not fit here. The analogy with an athlete who strengthens certain muscle groups is more true. Frequent use causes the muscle to pump up. The more we express negative emotions, the stronger they become, the more we want to express them. You should not form or strengthen such a habit.

The object for splashing out negative emotions is often the same. Someone in the family becomes the so-called scapegoat for someone who is used to throwing out negative emotions. And a kind of vicious circle, or rather a spiral, is formed, because the tension is escalated, the number of quarrels increases.

Such a situation can only be interrupted artificially, no matter how impossible it may seem.

You will then explain everything to each other kindly when the relationship normalizes. Don’t let the “now I’ll finally tell him everything” thoughts outsmart you. In a conflict, information cannot be conveyed. You can only convey an emotional message: “I don’t love you. I don't like you."

Is this exactly what you would like? Is this what you dreamed about when you got married? Who told you that something can be resolved in a quarrel?

Quarrels from the “inheritance chest” Spouses often quarrel out of habit, because this is how it was customary to sort things out in the families where they grew up. Unfortunately, according to statistics, 2/3 of families in our country are classified as incomplete, dysfunctional or emotionally dysfunctional. A colossal disharmonious legacy of reactions and relationships has accumulated in almost every family.

In order not to swear, like mom and dad, or mom and grandma, spouses will need special efforts.

And if both spouses grew up in conflict families, then it is especially important for them not to continue the tradition of quarrels in their own family. And here you will need internal efforts to understand and, possibly, the help of a psychologist.

Specifics of a young family A nursing woman or a young mother is often under chronic stress. Due to lack of sleep, due to worries about the health and development of the baby, due to the fact that in a matter of months she is actually mastering a new profession - becoming a professional mother. After all, this is not taught anywhere...

And the father of a small child may be experiencing stress associated with responsibility for an enlarged family. Men feel like they have to make an unimaginable career leap, earn money, and help their wife.

The strength of both spouses is strained, they get little rest, they don’t devote any time to each other... And the baby requires a lot of care. As a result, emotional stress increases. And this is a great reason for quarrels.

Recommendations:

Never mention your spouse’s parents and their qualities in quarrels - this causes deep offense and causes aggression;
Do not sort things out due to lack of sleep, on an empty stomach, feeling unwell, or under the influence of other bodily factors. If in this state you are tempted to quarrel, it is better to leave;
Know how to make a point.

May be useful

Problems with money, bad habits, different interests and life values, unrealistic expectations for each other, lack of communication and communication about finances and family plans can ruin your life and your marriage. But, there is a solution that can partially or completely solve all these problems. And this is the Family Budget!

If you want to learn how to: ✔ discuss money topics with your spouse, ✔ set general life and financial goals and achieve them, ✔ take control of your expenses, ✔ quickly get rid of loans and debts, etc. — you may be interested in my video course “Annual Family Budget”, in which I, in the format of video lectures (9 modules, 15 video lessons), in detail and with examples, cover each topic and show what and how to do. The cost of the video course will pay for itself many times over in the first year and may save your marriage!

Or you might be interested in a shorter, cheaper version with 3 (out of 9) key modules (budgeting, debt recovery, and goal setting) here.

MoneyPapa was with you - an expert on family finances ADD_THIS_TEXT

Domestic violence or domestic dispute? Why the police don't always respond to calls

Where is the line between domestic violence and domestic dispute? And what are law enforcement agencies guided by when they do not respond to such calls or do not give in to complaints? Anatoly Vyborny, a member of the State Duma Committee on Security and Anti-Corruption, answered these questions on the Rossiya 1 TV channel.

He recalled that law enforcement agencies are obliged to respond to every appeal, which is why they have the competence to both prevent and suppress an offense, regardless of its severity.

At the same time, the deputy noted that, unfortunately, sometimes there is a subjective factor in the police’s assessment of how to respond to the received appeal: to go to the scene of the offense or not, to initiate proceedings in the case or not.

This decision is made by the police officer within the scope of his competence, says Vyborny.

“The problem is that not everyone and not always can draw the line between a domestic quarrel and violence, which entails administrative or even criminal liability,” admits the State Duma deputy.

Moreover, he emphasizes, often a domestic quarrel serves as a “prelude” to violence.

According to him, if we had a risk assessment methodology, it would become a reference book and would be similar to the rules of the road.

The deputy also notes that in high-profile cases, when the police did not respond to requests in time, and as a result a tragedy occurred, they are regarded as criminal inaction.

Based on such facts, Vyborny says, checks are carried out, and law enforcement officers who did not respond to the call in time are brought to justice, possibly even criminally.

“But a state personnel policy of a completely different quality is needed,” the parliamentarian admits.

Answering the question why the system of “protection orders” has not fully worked, Vyborny replies that, in his opinion, legislators will still come to the need to introduce it.

However, the deputy notes, today the police have enough powers and legal mechanisms.

“It is important that they work effectively. For example, last year we passed a law that empowered the police to make it clear that actions that create conditions for committing an offense are unacceptable. And today the internal affairs bodies and the police have the right to issue such a warning even when the offense has not yet been committed, but there is reason to believe that the person has the intention to commit it,” explains Anatoly Vyborny.

In addition, according to him, this will help solve the situation when a victim of domestic violence, in fear of being beaten, withdraws his statement. In this case, a mechanism for bringing private accusations into the public sphere could help.

Listen to your other half

The ability to listen carefully provides good communication with people and is often more valuable than the ability to speak. And family in this regard is no exception. Are you pouring out an endless stream of information about everything in the world, from neighborhood news to the lack of fashionable sandals in your wardrobe, to your husband who has returned from work? Don't wait to establish

favorable psychological climate in the family. In such a situation, the husband can only remain silent and focus on his thoughts, which he hoped to share with you. Listen to your husband first, and then share your problems.

How to avoid family quarrels: 10 tips from a psychologist

Alas, almost no relationship is complete without quarrels, disputes and clarifications. Often regular conflicts cause the rupture of two loving hearts. In order for your relationship to become strong and not subject to any obstacles, you need to learn how to communicate with your soulmate without resorting to quarrels. First of all, understand that by shouting and loud scandals you will not achieve anything except dead nerves, both yours and your spouse. It’s worth listening to the advice of psychologists in order to, if not completely avoid problems in relationships, then at least learn to avoid stupid quarrels over trifles.

1. Learn to listen

The basic rule for resolving a conflict or preventing a quarrel is to learn to listen to your interlocutor. You shouldn’t interrupt your loved one and raise your voice at him, let him speak and listen to him calmly, and perhaps the unpleasant conversation will turn into a calm heart-to-heart conversation between two close people.

2. Stop thinking only about yourself

Know how to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, as soon as another quarrel is brewing, think about what state your partner is in now, what worries him, and what he expects from you. Having learned to understand other people's feelings, you can easily transform a quarrel into a regular heart-to-heart conversation. For a while, you should forget about yourself and your problems, since egocentrism in relationships has never led anyone to anything good.

3. Don't get worked up

If you raise your voice and start being “hysterical”, there is almost a 100% guarantee that a quarrel will break out. Teach yourself calmness, develop your own personal method for this: for example, count to ten or pinch yourself on the hand. This will be a “stop” signal and will help you curb your emotions at a certain point.

4. Forget about old grievances

When the conversation turns to any sensitive topics that are relevant at the moment, do not dare to remember old grievances and problems that have long been left in the past. Otherwise, your significant other will answer you in the same way, and so the quarrel will continue endlessly. Cross out the past - because now you have much more significant tasks.

5. Learn to smooth out rough edges

When necessary, know how to smooth out the sharp corner, which often becomes the cause of conflict. Change the conversation to another topic, say a couple of pleasant phrases to your other half, and distract him from the subject of the quarrel. The sooner you nip a brewing conflict in the bud, the better. Don't let any troubles ruin your relationship.

Continued on page two...

Principles of proper financial education of children

First of all, you need to be an example worthy of emulation. The child will subconsciously adopt how adults treat money.
Instill in your child an interest in the basics of financial literacy. In recent years, a lot of different formats of information on this topic have appeared: cartoons, books, games, tasks, etc.
Don't forget about the practical side of things. Plan purchases together, choose products based on price/quality ratio. Instill skills in managing a personal budget, teach them to save for their goals, etc.

People who learned the basics of handling money in childhood have a much easier time starting adult life.

Joint financial management is the key to strong family relationships
How is finance divided during divorce?
Equally or fairly: how to divide property during a divorce

Such a difficult life

The second and most common cause of family discord is everyday life . Or rather, a debate on the topic: “Who should be involved in this matter!” Almost all women are sure that a man should help her with housework. And it doesn’t matter whether she has a career (and sometimes works even more than her husband, and it is quite logical that household chores should be divided in half) or is a housewife (she already does household chores from morning to night, and relies on her husband to she will be helped with this). Unfortunately, this slogan is not so popular among men. He is a breadwinner, he returned home, he wants to relax, eat, watch TV, read the newspaper. And to him “Take out the garbage!”, “Twist in the light bulb!” Each spouse has their own truth, which at one point can cause a loud scandal.

Put yourself in someone else's position

Everyone looks at controversial issues from a slightly different angle and sees them in their own way.

For example, the husband is late for dinner and eats without appetite. He, tired, nervous, focused on his thoughts, pushes away his half-eaten dinner. The offended wife goes into another room, and tension grows between the spouses. The wife thinks that her husband is inattentive to her, but he does not realize that his wife wanted to give him a pleasant surprise in the form of a delicious dinner in a cozy atmosphere.

If everyone tries to put themselves in the other’s place, tries to understand the situation and experiences of their partner, is more tolerant of him and finds the right way out of the situation, this will avoid conflicts.