Frequent quarrels in a relationship cause both sides of the couple to suffer. And often the thought arises of giving up everything so that it can finally end. But there is no point in changing the boat if you do not know how to operate the oars. So, let's learn to avoid conflicts and make our lives happier!
High expectations
Often one of the partners in a love relationship thinks that he will later cope with the shortcomings of his beloved. However, after unsuccessful attempts, it begins to stress both of them.
Sometimes it’s just enough to start accepting a person for who he is and stop changing him.
Tired of each other
It starts when people spend a lot of time together. Then all interesting topics are reduced to a minimum, more silence, disagreements, irritation, etc. appear. This is why psychologists advise sometimes taking a break from each other.
Jealousy
To a jealous person, everything seems suspicious: the other half takes a long time to return from work, unfamiliar numbers call, the outfit is too revealing, etc.
Often this can be eradicated by greater openness with such a person and the exclusion of those moments that irritate him so much:
- stop communicating with people of the opposite sex;
- call back unknown numbers together;
- talk on the phone on the way home if you are delayed, etc.
Stress
They can arise due to pressure at work, poor health, misunderstanding with parents, fatigue, lack of sleep, etc. In such cases, there is often unfounded criticism and a more acute reaction to everything that happens around.
Living with such a person, you just need to be patient and start taking measures: give more time for rest, send him for treatment, help with business.
Influence of outsiders
It also happens that those around you are not delighted with your choice, so they try in every possible way to “open your eyes.” While you are defending your loved one to them, you still unknowingly begin to pay attention to what they have been talking so hard about. Irritation and frequent quarrels appear.
You can exclude this by prohibiting discussion of your partner, or by minimizing communication with strangers.
What to do
Frequent quarrels are, in principle, the norm. This means that people are not indifferent to each other. And if your partner still remains with you, despite systematic abuse, then this says a lot.
Don't bring up the past
If you have already tried to do this, you probably noticed how you began to overreact to moments that were somehow connected with the past, although before you lived and didn’t think about anything.
They say correctly: the less you know, the better you sleep. Forget about what happened before you and don’t be interested in it, and you won’t have any jealousy, “troubles,” or other “headaches.” This person is already with you. What else is needed?
Don't leave issues unresolved
It would seem that sometimes it is better to simply end a quarrel, bringing it to a “no” with silence or assent. Indeed, this can be done, and life is much calmer. However, this only applies to those cases when you will not return to these situations again.
If you would like to subsequently exclude such actions from your partner, then it is worth talking.
But this also needs to be done correctly:
- talk about what made you nervous: “I was unpleasant when you...”;
- ask, if possible, not to do this again: “Don’t do this again, please, don’t make me nervous”;
- offer an alternative (what a person should do so that it does not cause negative emotions in you).
Important!
Don’t forget the proverb “If you love to ride, love to carry a sled.” This means that you cannot constantly ask without giving something in return. This can be expressed in gratitude, pleasant words, care, tenderness and willingness to respond to the partner’s requests.
Forget the words “You must/must!”
Nobody owes you anything. You are an accomplished person with arms, legs and brains. Even your own parents don't owe you anything. Take it for granted. A person helps - good, no - well, okay, so you can handle it yourself.
A very simple solution is to replace the words “You should/must” with “I would be pleased if you...”. Believe me, the effect will be completely different! A person who didn’t even want to do something will most likely meet you halfway.
And don’t forget about the basic rules of ethics - use the word “please” more often.
Lower your expectations and demands
Most often, the reason for frequent quarrels in relationships is that one of the partners demands too much, and the other cannot give it. In this case, it is worth remembering once again that there are no ideal people. Therefore, there is no need to try to change a person to make you feel comfortable. This is the lot of egoists.
Do you know why calm couples have much less quarrels than you? Because they do not require that boots are constantly out of the way in the hallway - the one who does not like it simply silently removes them himself; they think: if the dishes were not cleared away after dinner, it means that the person did not have the time or mood to do it, well, or he does not bother with it at all.
Don't stop accepting each other
Here are examples of how a person’s worldview changes over time:
- The guy is the “soul” of the company
. He knows a lot of jokes, is always in a good mood, and will support any conversation. At first, for the girl, he is an attractive and charismatic young man who does not want to reveal his problems in front of people. Then, when a couple lives together for a long time, the capricious lady begins to perceive his behavior as “showing off” and carelessness, which is expressed in the fact that the man does not care about everything. As a result, he begins to irritate her, so she begins to “nag” him. - The girl is able to fight back, she is bright and obstinate
. Her partner is attracted to this, he considers this trait special, he says: “Damn it, my cat is showing her claws again!” After a couple of years of marriage, she becomes for him “a bitch who just wants to tame him.”
So why are we doing this... You need to periodically return to those feelings and sensations that arose in you before - at the first stage of the relationship. At a time when you considered all these shortcomings to be advantages that make you smile and say: “Well, yes, that’s how he is - my favorite person.”
Important! If you don’t like something about a person, it’s not his shortcoming, but your whim. What irritates you may be attractive to other people.
Learn to quarrel correctly
So, the quarrel begins. What does each of the interlocutors often do? He begins to defend his innocence. Moreover, not in the most friendly tone. This kind of conversation almost never leads anywhere.
There are ways to make conflict more productive. To do this you need:
- speak only calmly;
- if you see that the interlocutor is heated, say that you will not talk to him in such a tone, it is better to wait until you both “move away”;
- there is no need to prove your opinion, but you need to voice it and support it with facts and arguments;
- you should not interrupt your partner, as this often irritates and leads to a bad reaction;
- remember: it is better to remain silent than to yell and offend your interlocutor.
Control what is said
During a quarrel with a girl or guy, do you like to get excited and say a bunch of nasty things? Then don't be surprised if your relationship deteriorates.
The fact is that no matter how much you later deny that it was said out of spite, your significant other will remember all those offensive words for a long time.
After this, a cooling towards the person often occurs, because we all want to be idolized, not humiliated.
Know how to ask
This point is very important, since, most often, this is where the “dog is buried.” Look at yourself from the outside. How do you talk? Would you like it if someone talked to you the same way? It is not a fact that the answers to these questions will satisfy you.
Know how to admit to yourself if, indeed, there are complaints, instructions, etc. from your side.
If this is your case, then remember:
Start communicating with your significant other the way you would like to be communicated with. See how much your relationship will change! And almost as soon as you start to succeed!
The most important thing is to be gentle. No one likes it when the conversation contains complaints, reproaches, direct criticism, etc.
Here are examples of what was said with the same meaning, but in different words:
- Badly:
“How do you cook? Well, there’s always plenty of salt! It’s impossible to eat!”
Fine:
Can I ask you to add less salt next time? Please use less salt – I think it will be even tastier!”
- Badly:
“You are so lazy that you can’t even babysit!”
Fine:
“Couldn’t you babysit the child? In the meantime, I would do some things. And by the evening I won’t be so tired, well, you know what I mean...”
Learn to accept refusals. If you receive a “no” in response to your request, try to understand the person why he did it. Perhaps he feels bad, promised to meet/help a friend, is simply tired, or even believes that this is not his responsibility - all these are NORMAL explanations.
If they do not suit you, either accept it or try to act cunningly. For example:
- If your wife has stopped taking care of herself
, tell her how beautiful she was before, especially in that outfit and with that hairstyle, and as soon as she “works magic” on herself, admire her appearance, give a lot of compliments. - Also in the case of a man
: not everyone considers it normal to help his wife around the house. However, you can involve him in this too. For example, when rolling out dough for dumplings, ask him to help you. You need to base your request on the fact that you are so bad at it, and it’s a little hard for you, but he – so strong and “handy” – will definitely help you make perfect dumplings!
In the end, I would like to wish every reader to start applying these tips in their lives. There is no need to be afraid to make concessions, because this is not a weakness, but a strength, a talent that anyone can acquire!
And one more thing: before you pack your things after another quarrel, think about whether you will really be fine without this person? Is the reason why the quarrel occurs so significant? Is she worthy of your nerves?
Video: How to quarrel so that you don't quarrel anymore
In our lives, conflicts and misunderstandings often occur, in which people cannot restrain their own emotions and find a compromise. Let's figure out why people quarrel and how to competently get out of this situation. Conflicts of interests occur in different areas of life: at work, at home and in relationships with friends. A person has a wild desire to be understood and accepted, so he usually “foams at the mouth” to prove that he is right.
Why do people fight?
Various kinds of conflicts can occur not only as a result of a violent temperament, because not all people have such a character trait as irascibility. Sometimes daily stress at work or depression associated with personal life undermine a person’s nervous system. Then a critical moment comes - the so-called when we cannot control ourselves and lash out at the people around us, who, as a rule, do not deserve it. In this situation, a person simply needs rest. The best solution is a vacation, a trip to warm countries. If this is not possible, you need to devote at least one day to yourself: turn off all phones and do what you love, for example, drawing, watching movies or playing sports. As a rule, people quarrel when their patience is full, so in a tense state a person can be enraged by a completely ordinary question or phrase from the interlocutor. After quality rest, the aggression should go away, otherwise you will have to seek help from a specialist who will prescribe a harmless sedative.
Why do people fight? Conflicts between parents and children
The most common situation is misunderstanding in the family. This problem is especially relevant when communicating with children of adolescence, when any manifestation of care and attention is perceived by them as an intrusive interference in their personal life. During this period, children think that they can do everything themselves and do not need the support of loved ones at all. And the colossal hormonal changes in the body excite the nervous system, making a person hot-tempered, aggressive and emotional. In some families, parents are completely unable to cope with the violent character of the boy, and sometimes it comes to the point that in a fit of anger they kick their beloved child out of the house. This is a huge mistake. You need to overcome yourself and give the child the right to independence. Let him make important decisions in his life, learning from his own mistakes. This is extremely difficult to do, but this is the only way to become your children’s best friend.
Why do people fight? Disagreements with the other half
Each of us has had a love relationship with an unhappy ending. Most romances end due to conflicts and rejection of each other. Here everyone has the same reason: they didn’t get along in character. But then the emotionality passes, the relationship is forgotten, and the question remains open: why do people quarrel? In this case, there are a great many reasons, including dissatisfaction of an intimate nature, fear of obligations, and excessive demands. The only thing we can say with absolute certainty is that all these qualities are not inherent in true, selfless love. If it is impossible to find a compromise, a common denominator, then there is no point in tormenting each other, trying for many years to remake yourself and your partner.
Well, here we are again quarreling with our loved one. Once again, anger, anger, and frustration are overwhelmed. No, why does he argue all the time?! After all, what he says is sheer nonsense! And in general we are right, we are right in everything! But he doesn’t! And no nails! None! None... But the quarrel happened with a loved one, and not with the guy in line... And my soul is restless. You don’t want to make trouble with someone you love. With them you only dream of tenderness and affection. So? So! This means that we must somehow maintain the relationship and make peace. How to do it right?
Why do people fight?
One of the reasons for quarrels may be constant stress and fatigue . Sometimes a person just needs a break to come to his senses. How often does it happen? A person works and works, does not rest, stress accumulates, as a result of which the person becomes irritable and begins to attack people. This is where quarrels arise in the family, with friends, at work, and over trifles.
Therefore, a person needs to rest. He needs to be given time to be alone with himself. So the stress will pass, and fatigue will disappear and the person will be calm and harmless.
Another reason for quarrels is related to the type of person's temperament . There are people who just love to scandalize in public. This is how they assert themselves by scolding someone in front of everyone. They feel like they're cool, they're leaders, and they're just scratching their egos. There are not very many such people. I've met a couple of crazy people in my time. As I said above, the vast majority try to avoid conflicts.
The reasons for quarrels between a couple in love occur according to the list below:
- You're just tired of each other
- Quarrels help you relieve tension,
- Sexual dissatisfaction,
- Unwillingness to take on new responsibilities that arise in life together,
- You expect too much from others
- After a quarrel you get closer,
- You do not make direct requests to your significant other, as a result of which he or she remains unaware of what you need and how to help,
- You speak honestly and frankly only in quarrels.
These are the main reasons why a young couple quarrels among themselves. This is absolutely normal. So don't think that there is something wrong with your relationship. Especially when you continue to live together with this person. I am sure that in life together, especially at the beginning, quarrels cannot be avoided, as new problems, difficulties and misunderstandings arise. It takes time to get used to and learn to cope with all the difficulties of living together.
Another reason for quarrels is the desire to prove that you are right . Everyone is different and they all think differently because they have their own unique perspective on everything that happens. As a result, a conflict of interests arises. And this leads to huge quarrels. Many people have broken contracts, ended partnerships, betrayed each other, all because they believe that they should do this and not otherwise. Because of this, even wars began. It is now nuclear weapons that are holding back the start of a new war, otherwise, due to a conflict of interests, it would have started long ago.
A sense of injustice is another main reason for quarrels. Many people believe that some people are luckier than others, which makes them feel unfair. In fact, in life, some are more lucky and some are less fortunate. You need to come to terms with this fact, and it’s better to try to make you luckier. So, let’s say your colleague was promoted at work. You start to get indignant, like, how is this possible, I work here more, I’m smarter than him, he’s a sycophant, why the hell was he promoted? Then you go to your boss and start quarreling with him about this. This is how injustice pushes us into scandals.
Misunderstanding is also a very common cause of quarrels between people. One thinks that he wants to do it this way, but in fact the other wanted to do it completely differently. Or the wife wanted such and such a fur coat, and the husband thought that such and such a quarrel arises out of nowhere. Or a guy bought a third size bra for his girlfriend, and she immediately thought that this was a hint that she needed to enlarge her breasts. And again a quarrel arises out of nothing. Guys, be careful!
And how often do quarrels arise due to discontent ? For example, the husband came late in the evening, as a result of which his wife was unhappy about it. That's it, a quarrel immediately arises. Let's see how this happens:
- Wife - Why are you so late?
- Husband - I was late at work, today is a complete rush!
- Wife - Or maybe you had a nice time there with someone, because you smell of women’s perfume?
- Husband - No, we just have a lot of women at work. Why are you starting, I’m already tired as a dog, and yet here you are with your claims!
- Wife - You're the one who's tired here. I’m already tired of cleaning up after you at home, collecting socks, you live like a pig...
Then you yourself know what will happen. I took one example of dissatisfaction. But there are many of them. For example, a monotonous life, problems with money, lack of time for important things and much more.
So, why people quarrel . It's time to answer the question, how to avoid conflict ? After all, sometimes a person simply does not want to enter into it, but if it is inevitable, then one cannot do without special techniques. We'll talk about them below.
How to make peace with your loved one after a quarrel
A quarrel with a loved one is a very unpleasant and painful thing. Of course, you want to make peace as quickly as possible and drive away the tension in the air. But let's not rush. Let's do something, trying in the meantime to look at ourselves from the outside, putting ourselves in the place of our loved one and soberly assessing the situation. It is necessary to accept his right to his own point of view. Otherwise, if we approach him with the words: “Stop arguing, but I’m still right!”, the second stage of the quarrel will begin. But that’s not what we need!
In order to restore peace in a relationship, you don’t have to start proving that you’re right again. Because “either no one is right or everyone is right.” Even if a problem really exists, it should be discussed when both are in a favorable emotional state. And discuss the problem, not each other’s personality. At the same time, we cannot assume that we are always right and the man is always wrong. Like, a woman knows better. In this case, quarrels with your loved one will become regular. Because each person sees the solution to some issue in his own way. And his point of view has a right to exist.
It’s better to start a truce with the words: “It’s very hard for me when we quarrel! Let's not do it again! Our task is to improve relationships, and not to emerge victorious from a most often meaningless battle. If your loved one continues to sulk and does not make contact, you should wait. Well, we’ve already cooled down, but he hasn’t yet! Let's give him time. Let him go. For us, the main thing is to learn to listen. Let your loved one speak out if he wants. It may very well be that there is some wisdom in his position. Or that the optimal solution to a problem will emerge from two opposing points of view. After all, it is viewed from different angles!
In general, in order for quarrels with a loved one not to be too painful for both us and him, we need to learn how to sort things out correctly. Firstly, you can’t conflict anywhere and anytime. For a quarrel, you need to choose both the time and the place. You should not make a scandal in the presence of strangers, before one of the two leaves for work or study, or during a pleasant vacation. The quarrel must be thought out. When it takes on a logical form, it will be possible to resolve any issue without offending each other needlessly.
If a scandal begins to gain momentum and cross the boundaries of what is reasonable, you should pull yourself together and stop. Nothing good will come from such a “dialogue”. Instead of trying to come to a consensus, it will result in mutual reproaches and insults. Therefore, when we feel that we are losing the ability to think, and our throat begins to constrict with rage, we slow down. We go into another room or go for a walk in the park and gather our thoughts. And only then, calmly, do we begin to discuss the problem again. If necessary.
I must say that often this is really necessary. Hiding dissatisfaction with the actions of a loved one, for fear of destroying the peace of the relationship, remaining silent and enduring is much more dangerous than expressing your complaints to him. Suppressed irritation will sooner or later burst out with a force similar to the force of a volcanic eruption. Then it will be very difficult to control your emotions. And who knows how this storm of anger will end. It is quite possible that it will be a complete disaster.
If a man loves, and we express ourselves kindly and calmly, he will certainly hear us. No, perhaps he will even object, but he will take note. And we will listen to him and also draw conclusions. If we don’t understand something, we ask you to explain it so that there is no misunderstanding in the relationship. And we will try to understand our loved one, no matter how difficult it may be. After all, if a conflict arose, it means that he is also confident in the correctness of his position. There is a possibility that we are wrong! People can be forgiven for making mistakes.
Well, okay, someone will say. Learning to quarrel is half the battle. How to avoid quarrels with your loved one in general? After all, this is almost the most expensive person in the world! Why are we fighting?
Picture of a quarrel with a loved one
Why do we quarrel with our loved ones?
In general, quarrels usually occur between people who care about each other. If a person is uninteresting, he cannot do anything to offend you. What difference does it make what and how they are told or done? Even if we are caught up in this, it is unlikely that the conflict will be too violent. Well, let's argue, well, make a remark and calm down. Because he is an outsider. Passing. Another thing is a loved one. Our thoughts, desires, dreams are connected with it. Whether willingly or unwillingly, all of his actions and words, even the most innocent ones, are noticed. And something, of course, touches a nerve. After all, the beloved is very close, right next to the heart. It is quite natural that some awkward movement of his causes, if not pain, then discomfort. Because it concerns us.
A quarrel with a loved one is an indicator that in a relationship, for its further development, the time has come to solve some problem. There is no point in avoiding it. Otherwise, the problem will grow to global proportions. How it will be resolved then, who knows. If you resolve the brewing conflict at the very beginning, everything will fall into place. People are imperfect, and each may be dissatisfied with something in the behavior of another. But we don’t know how to read other people’s thoughts. Consequently, we cannot know what someone is not happy with about us unless he says it himself. Well, when a neighbor, passer-by, or colleagues don’t like something, that’s okay. You won't be nice to everyone. But when to a loved one, this is already a serious question. Because if you don’t do anything and don’t try to change, you can lose it.
In principle, clarifying relationships helps people get to know each other better and improve. However, quarrels are only useful when there really is love. If it is doubtful, it is better not to worry yourself and go in different directions. Why empty scandals that will lead nowhere anyway? There are enough difficulties in life without them. Well, what if there is love, but quarrels happen too often? This means that we are too hot-tempered and conflict over trifles.
In this case, it would be advisable to work on yourself. And learn, when you feel tension in communication with your loved one, to internally agree with him. Even if, in our opinion, he is wrong. Then, when the tension subsides, we will discuss this issue. In the meantime, the main task is to avoid a quarrel. Well, when we couldn’t do without it, let’s not yell at each other in two voices at the same time. Let's let the man speak, and then we'll start squealing about our own. So, at least, you can hear something and be at least partly heard.
There is a good technique, the use of which helps to avoid any special conflicts. It is enough to come up with some kind of code word and agree with your loved one to pronounce it as soon as you want to make a row. Let it be a word: “giraffe”, “felt boot”, “umbrella”, “rocket”... Whatever. The main thing is to perceive it as a signal that it’s time to let off steam. Said a couple of times before the start of a conflict, this word will eventually turn into a kind of lightning rod.
Well, in general, of course, in order to reduce the number of quarrels to a minimum, you need to determine what their causes are. Perhaps this is a desire to change someone else or a desire to eliminate bad habits, mistrust, or resentment from a partner. All this does not necessarily result in a heated argument. A quarrel can also manifest itself as a painful silence. That's not what's important. The important thing is that two loving people cannot normally discuss the issues that undermine the foundation of a happy relationship. This should be learned. Love is a rare gift, it must be protected. It would be a shame if she disappeared due to some misunderstandings.
In general, quarrels with a loved one are the norm if people try to understand each other and take the opposite point of view. Only the unity of male and female worldviews can find a solution to any problem, no matter how complex it may be. And only such unity opens the true path to happiness.
From DA
30.08.2018 20:05
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What is love? Why do we destroy our relationships ourselves? What is the main cause of family conflicts? How to regain affection, trust, intimacy and stop quarreling over trifles? Clinical psychology professor Sue Johnson answers these questions in her book, Hold Me Tight. And this is what she says.
Many people believe that an adult must be self-sufficient and independent. The image of an invulnerable and undaunted warrior who alone stands in the way of life’s dangers and adversities has been cultivated in society for too long.
But do not underestimate the role of love and reliable, trusting relationships with loved ones. The need for a strong emotional connection is embedded in our genes and bodies. It is as important to life, happiness and health as food, safety or sex.
We need support. To deny this is reckless and even dangerous. Research shows that a secure and strong relationship with a loved one makes us happier and healthier, strengthens our self-confidence, increases our self-esteem, reduces stress and improves our ability to cope with challenges.
People often do not see or understand that the lion's share of quarrels and conflicts is, in fact, a protest of partners against emotional disconnection. When engaged in battle, men and women seem to ask each other: “Can I rely on you? Are you with me? Do I mean anything to you? Do you value me? Do you accept? Do you need me? Do you trust me?"
All the anger, irritation, criticism and demands are actually a cry of despair. This is an attempt to reach loved ones. Awaken their hearts. Return the emotional response and restore the previous feeling of safe intimacy.
Sometimes our feelings are hurt by some little thing. For example, a lover did not answer the call, forgot to tell about an event that was significant to him, or came home late from work. The fact is that we can perceive such actions as a manifestation of indifference and alienation of a loved one, and this, according to scientists, causes us no less acute pain than a serious physical injury.
As a rule, instead of describing our emotions, explaining to our partner why his behavior alarmed us, and asking for support, we begin to find fault with him and shower him with reproaches. After all, no one likes to admit their own weakness.
I often quarrel with people
Hello, Natalia! let's look at what's going on:
Natalya
Recently I began to notice that people around me are trying to force me to do only what is convenient for them without looking for some kind of compromise.
NO! this is a question of your perception of the behavior and actions of other people - by formulating the situation this way, you remove responsibility for your actions from yourself, putting others in a dominant position, and yourself in a weak, submissive position! in fact - in order to regain control OVER the situation - you need to see it from a different angle - for example, “I allow others to control me and I give in to their opinions” - when you formulate the problem in this way, you already see that in fact EVERYTHING depends from YOU and it is YOU who CAN change YOUR behavior, and not wait for those around you to change and begin to compromise with you! It is YOU who needs to learn to say “NO” and assert your boundaries!
Everyone around you has long been accustomed to your submissive position, and if you try to defend your boundaries, then they begin to shift responsibility onto you, so that YOU feel guilty - in a way, this is how they punish you for not obeying them - they themselves in a conflict with you, they choose a CHILD’S position - not to talk, to be offended, to remain silent or to blame! and they know that it works - thus, your behavior also allows them to act next to you in the role of offended children and shift their responsibility for their feelings onto you. You CAN say NO - and you SHOULD DO - allowing them to react AS THEY WANT - and express to them - a friend, a boyfriend, a brother - that they can think and react as they want, that it is THEIR choice - let them choose to be offended or build relationship! As soon as you begin to change your attitude towards yourself, build boundaries with others, you will see how the attitude towards you will change - those people who cannot maintain an ADULT level of attitude will disappear, you will not accept accusations, you will maintain boundaries and it will no longer be useful to them shift their responsibility onto you - in the end, they can discord relationships in the family, since they are used to seeing you in one role, in a dependent, childish, succumbing one, and this is convenient for them - and when you take an adult position, then burden them with WHAT belongs to THEM - and they are not used to carrying it on themselves. YOU do not need to take a wait-and-see attitude - but act on your own - this is YOUR car - if HE scratched it, then HE pays for the repairs - if he is not going to - YOU DO NOT give him your car anymore - draw boundaries - otherwise YOU will ALWAYS be used, and you will just blame them for not wanting to understand you! They will NOT! they will take advantage and be offended as long as YOU allow them to do so!
Frequent quarrels with mom!
Shenderova Elena.
Moscow. We can work by phone, skype, watsapp. Good answer4 Bad answer0
Development of the conflict
If partners do not try to restore trust, talk sincerely about their feelings and understand each other, then they find themselves in a terrible vicious circle: their reactions provoke even more negative responses and emotions. Relationships become more destructive, resentment and disunity grow.
Researchers identify three destructive behaviors that make the situation worse.
1. "Find the culprit"
- a dead-end pattern that quickly and effectively destroys a love relationship. Partners who embark on this path are guaranteed to distance themselves from each other.
The goal of this behavior pattern is to protect oneself, but all means come down to mutual accusations, attacks and reproaches. The “Find the Blame” pattern could just as easily be called “It’s not me, it’s all you!”
In many couples, this model is activated for a short time. In most cases, "Find the Blame" serves as a brief prelude to the "Negative Dance" - the most common and difficult process of dissociation.
2. "Negative Dance"
One partner in this model criticizes and attacks, while the other defends and withdraws. The stronger the alienation of the second, the more desperate and caustic the verbal attacks of the first.
This pattern of behavior is also called “pursuit-withdrawal” or “criticism-avoidance.” At its core lies a deep problem: partners experience extreme emotional hunger. Both feel left out. And they desperately cry out for attention and care.
Washington University psychologist John Gottman has proven that spouses stuck in this type of behavior have an 80% chance of divorcing within 4-5 years.
3. “Freeze - run”, or “disengagement - suspension”.
This is the last stage, which is often followed by a break in the relationship. Partners who take too long with the “Negative Dance” at some point lose hope and give up. They try to freeze feelings and needs, distance themselves and fall into numbness. Both retreat, fleeing pain and despair.
