CIVIL MARRIAGE - MAIN DISADVANTAGES
Before you start reading, I must give a warning that if you are “up and down” for civil marriage and open relationships, then you better not read my article. And in order to protect yourself from negative emotions and disputes, it is better to search the Internet for articles in favor of informal relationships.
Who hasn’t heard the phrase that a stamp in a passport doesn’t solve anything and doesn’t give any guarantees? I agree that no signed agreement guarantees that it will not be violated by one of the parties. There are no guarantees in life, it is changeable and unpredictable.
Many people say that love is not hindered by the absence of a stamp. If this is so, how can it interfere if it is placed? Unfortunately, life shows that it is easier not to put a stamp than to put it.
I don't presume to judge whether this is good or bad. Civil marriage is a diagnosis. A woman living in a civil marriage is not married, and a man is not married. It is unlikely that anyone will argue with this.
Give me at least one reason to be in an unregistered marriage...
There is none of them. The only reason is freedom. Freedom from obligations, from responsibility and from choice. That's why I don't believe in such relationships. I'll explain in order.
Civil marriage is always not a final choice (under-choice). When a man and a woman live together for a long time, but do not marry, that is, do not take the next important step, they seem to say to each other: “I am waiting for the best (the best).
“I only know one thing: any woman who has children, for example, a girl, would hardly want her to live in a civil marriage. Try to feel how your body, how your heart responds to this information: your daughter is not married, but lives with a man in a civil marriage? How do you feel if your grandchildren are born in such a relationship? For some this is completely unacceptable, while others will say that there seems to be nothing bad, but there is some kind of unpleasant aftertaste. And it’s better not to think about it at all. Close eyes.
— For me, getting married is a kind of initiation, a ritual. Previously it was a wedding, today it is registration at the registry office. And this is very important. Any ritual draws a line - before and after. This is an event after which another life begins. Before that you are a bride, and after that you are a wife. And the female psyche is designed in such a way that rituals are very important to us. Therefore, everyone dreams of a wedding and a dress.
For example, in the Middle Ages a man could put on armor, but he could only become a knight after initiation. And this was not only a civil act, but also a symbolic one, which was accompanied by dressing in different clothes and taking an oath. The ceremony was long and very expensive for the family of the future knight. But without this ritual he could not call himself a knight.
“Very often, young people living in open relationships do not introduce their parents to the parents of their partners; there is no unification of two clans, two family systems. If young people submit documents to the registry office, then the parents, as a rule, get to know each other. Everyone feels responsible, not only the newlyweds, but also parents, loved ones, and relatives. Everyone understands that a unification is taking place. There is no unification in civil relations.
— Any signing of papers is associated with the subsequent fulfillment of obligations and the incurrence of consequences for their violation, punishment, and the completion of procedures. The stamp is a responsibility. This is the signing of an agreement. You can’t just get out of a registered relationship. You need to go through the divorce procedure and take responsibility for the fact that the relationship did not work out. And become a divorced person.
In the case of a civil marriage, as he was free, he remained so. I have friends who lived in a civil marriage for a long time. When the man decided to leave, he could not muster up the courage to admit that he was leaving forever. He simply left for someone else, like a free man. What complaints can there be against him, because he promised nothing, signed nothing.
This is impossible in marriage, at least you will have to explain yourself to your legal wife and accept responsibility for the divorce. And every person understands that nothing happens in life just like that, we are responsible for everything and pay for everything.
“I’ve heard more than once that people are afraid to formalize relationships, because the stamp will ruin everything. “A stamp in a passport kills all the romance.” That's right, if a person has not yet decided to make the final choice, then the stamp will ruin everything. Marriage is threads, fetters, if you like, it binds. A person feels that he is no longer free, this begins to oppress him, and internal resistance to this kind of “unfreedom” appears. A person becomes not romantic, but married.
Relationships go wrong, and as a result, someone leaves the relationship. And then he believes that the cliche is to blame for “killing the romance.” The stamp does not kill romance, but carelessness and irresponsibility.
— A huge number of people lose track of their years and refuse to grow up. A free life gives you a feeling of youth, or rather, youth and carelessness. Marriage and family do not imply such feelings. Women who enter into such relationships encourage carelessness and do not allow the man to grow up.
“Boys cohabit, men start families.”
— Sometimes young people say that they want a magnificent ceremony, they want something grandiose, but there is no money. I don't believe in this at all. This means that we want to “be adults” and “play family,” but we don’t have money. Well, you can save up and wait. No, I want everything at once: to leave my parents, to play as a family. When there is a goal, there are means, and when there is no goal, then excuses are found. And the end result is “adult” married bachelors.
— Dating cannot last forever, the next stage in the development of relationships is the registry office. The bud cannot stay open forever. And here a man must make a responsible decision - I make a choice in favor of this woman. Tell her parents about this, her parents, that they are uniting. Or he should leave this woman and move on. A woman sometimes prevents a man from taking this important step, jumping out of her parents’ house prematurely.
— In a civil marriage, the woman believes that she is married, and the man believes that he is single. I have heard more than once that people have been living together for 10 years, and the man still does not call the woman his wife, but calls her his girlfriend. It may sound romantic, but it reveals the whole meaning of such a relationship. What should a woman call such a man – “the beloved person with whom I live”?
— When a man refuses to marry, it is as if he is renting a woman, without worries or obligations. And at the same time he receives everything that his wife gives: fidelity, emotional support, a comfortable life, sex, love, children and everything he wants. When we rent housing, we perceive it as temporary and do not really care about this space.
Have your standards and don't forget your dignity. Why do you allow yourself to be used? This doesn't mean you should ask him to marry you. Let him know that you don't need to be rented. If he gets scared, it means he doesn't need you. If he is not ready to start a family, then at least this is true. Why live with a liar? But we are very afraid to find out the truth, so we live in deception for years.
— Every man subconsciously knows that he must get married. If he doesn't get married, it means he's not ready. And if at the same time you are ready, then you have different goals. It turns out that he wants to live with a woman, but is afraid to get married? A real man must be responsible for his actions. And you should not indulge him in his cowardice and cowardice.
Men are spoiled in this sense. Today, women are available in every sense, everywhere: in the subway, in public transport and at work. Almost everyone is ready for any relationship. Therefore, if you do not have a clear position on this issue, then the man will not have it either.
"You see, for some men, marriage falls into the same category as eating vegetables: you know you should, but you don't really want to do it because a greasy, greasy, salty, juicy hamburger tastes so much better."
— Civil marriage is often called a “rehearsal”, “testing”. Pure deception. How can I check this? Sometimes relationships begin to deteriorate three years later or after the birth of children. Then you need to try everything - how he will treat you with a pregnant woman, how he will communicate with children. According to this theory, you need to try for twenty years so as not to make a mistake in your choice. Relationships can deteriorate even after 10-20 years of marriage, when all goals have been achieved, apartments have been purchased, children have grown up.
In fact, a woman begins to live in a civil marriage not in order to experience feelings, but in order to keep a man and find at least some stability in the relationship. But this is self-deception. There was still no certainty.
— Often the woman herself initiates cohabitation. Most often, she generally turns a blind eye to her partner’s true attitude towards her, to his feelings. She meets a man she likes, she wants to get closer, but the man doesn’t propose. Of course, a man is always for everyday comfort and affordable sex, so he agrees to live together. But he does not agree to marry. You will feel the difference, as they say.
Then the woman waits for an offer, but the man does not make one. Then she convinces herself that the stamp is not important for the family. She already considers herself a wife, and him – her husband, although this “husband” is often still married to someone else. And no matter how she calls herself, deep down she is aware of her precarious status.
— If children appear in a civil marriage, then I see no reason at all why not to register the relationship. This is irresponsible towards them. They sense very well that something is wrong; their parents have different last names. And why aren’t mom and dad married? Why didn't he propose to her? Why didn't he choose her? We live in a society, children go to school, and they are not as free as their parents. Why do they have to explain that dad is his own, he and mom just haven’t registered their relationship?
- Often young people do not get married due to public protest, they say, we are not a herd and live according to our own understanding: - “Our great love does not require a stamp.” Always in a couple, one of them does not want to formalize the relationship and talks to the other about exclusivity, about a free worldview. But behind all this lies an unmade choice, and the expectation of a better partner.
I had friends who lived for 13 years in an unofficial relationship, and those around them could not even imagine that they were not husband and wife, everything seemed fine. They did not sign because they simply did not “believe” in an official marriage. Then the man met another woman and after six months he signed with her.
I know for sure that if a man meets his woman, he takes her to the registry office. If he doesn't lead you, it means he's waiting for someone else. He didn't choose you. This may be harsh, but it is the TRUTH.
— A man is an owner by nature, and if he meets a woman and she completely suits him, then there are no problems with the stamp. He himself will insist on this. It is very important for a man to convey his status to the chosen woman, as well as his last name. This does not happen in the case of a civil marriage. Is it really possible that if a man has made his final choice, he will allow the woman to remain free? I do not believe.
— A woman’s most important need is the need for security. How can she be satisfied in a civil marriage? No way. Subconsciously, a woman always feels anxious about tomorrow; she cannot relax in such a relationship. All women need certainty.
It follows from this that since there is no confidence in a partner, it means that a woman can only rely on herself. She cannot trust her partner, she must play it safe and keep her finger on the pulse. And it kills her as a woman.
I already assume that I will receive a lot of letters and comments that you know a lot of couples who live well without a stamp, that they have love and harmony. So I want to immediately warn against such letters. Sometimes we can’t figure it out with ourselves, or understand what’s happening in our family. What can we know about others? The facade may be beautiful, but we cannot know what is hidden behind it.
I know only one thing - almost every woman wants to have certainty in a relationship. And it is unlikely that she wants to be an eternal bride, girlfriend or cohabitant, unless, of course, she is waiting for the best match in this relationship.
All this talk about freedom of choice is not entirely sincere and natural. It is important to find out the truth and finally stop deceiving, first of all, yourself. After all, in the end, only a woman allows or does not allow an open relationship.
Author: Tatyana Dzutseva
Found a mistake? Select it and press left Ctrl+Enter.
What do you want?
You need to understand one thing - for some reason you wanted to experience this experience. This relationship gave you something, carried with it some important lessons. But at the moment, you have already grown out of this relationship, and it has become small for you. We need to move on.
You shouldn’t punish yourself for living in a civil marriage. Who will benefit from this? It is important to understand, what do you want from life now? Do you want to wait another year, two, ten, in the hope that the man will someday mature? Or do you want a family, children, to be a woman who is protected by her husband, to be a real wife?
If you decide that civil marriage is no longer for you, then you have options. It is absolutely certain that you can get married from a civil marriage.
From a legal point of view
Marina Kashchenko, member of the board of the Moscow City Bar Association, specialist in family matters:
— A registered marriage is, among other things, our protection from unforeseen circumstances, our care for our closest relatives. Registration protects the rights of spouses not only and not so much during a divorce, when it comes to the division of property. So:
- Only the legal spouse has the right not to testify against the husband or wife during the trial. This is spousal immunity. If a car in which a wife and her husband were driving was involved in an accident, the wife, according to the Criminal Code, cannot be forced to testify against her husband. The cohabitant is obliged to give them.
— Only relatives are allowed to visit patients in intensive care units. The presence of a loved one can often raise the overall tone of the body, stabilize blood pressure, and calm the patient.
- Only a relative has the right to receive the death certificate of a husband or wife, and only he will be given an urn with ashes. Only he has the right to insurance payments in the event of the death of a husband or wife in catastrophes and natural disasters. When the Tu-154 crashed over Lake Constance in 2002, European insurers refused to pay insurance to the common-law wives and husbands of the victims due to the lack of documents confirming the marriage.
— Citizens who are not officially married may have problems with visas and sharing hotels in some countries.
— Legal relatives have the right to challenge the rights of a cohabitant who receives property under a will. The will-maker may have been in an inadequate state and misled when drawing up the will. Only relatives can correct the situation through the courts.
Details
