A crisis is a natural stage in the development of any relationship. This is a turning point after which relationships change. For better or worse, it depends only on the couple. When a crisis cannot be overcome, it leads to a break or deterioration in relationships. But if the crisis is handled correctly, the relationship will only become stronger.
Any crisis (despite the fact that this event is inevitable) has several reasons. Many people identify crises of certain periods - 1 year, 3, 5, 7 years. But, in my opinion, this is a poppy and little-founded position. It’s just that these time periods usually coincide with changes in relationships. It's not about the timing, but about what happens within the couple. I would like to dwell on these points in more detail.
So, here are the 4 main reasons that crises are associated with:
1. New roles. A typical type of crisis is the emergence of new variables in the life of a couple. The most common trigger is the birth of a child. The relationships that have developed in a couple change, roles are revised, and this leads to a restructuring of the entire system. A classic example is when a child is born, and the man is already accustomed to his wife running around him. And then the woman switches to the child. My husband is stressed, resentful, feels like he is superfluous, and is trying to get attention from others. Spiritual closeness disappears, conflicts become more frequent. As a result, the couple falls apart very quickly.
How to overcome? Blaming one partner here if it is important to save the family is pointless. Overcoming this crisis requires efforts on both sides. A woman needs to understand that going headlong into the topic of children is fraught with alienation from her husband, and a man needs to tune in to active involvement in parenthood and work through his infantile grievances due to lack of attention. The old rules must be replaced by new ones, taking into account the changes.
2. The meaning of relationships. This crisis leads to most other crises. It often begins with the question: “Do I want to be with this person?” We met, got married, lived for a while, got to know each other better and it turned out that you are different people, and the relationship is not working out the way you would like. There comes disappointment and loss of meaning to continue being together. Someone is trying to change and change their partner, reformulate the rules. But more often they remain silent, accumulate negativity and carry the burden of obligations. Many people believe that it is better to remain silent and not voice the problem, so as not to upset their partner. Leaving also seems to be bad. And people have been dragging unresolved crises for years, which provoke the emergence of other crises.
How to overcome? At the very beginning of a relationship, you need to ask yourself two questions: “Do I want a relationship in principle?” and “Do I want a relationship with this person?” Often relationships are started in the hope that the person will change, but this does not happen. The crisis of meaning is quite difficult to overcome. You're just not the same person. And this crisis becomes the starting point for all other problems in the couple. Therefore, if you feel that your partner is not completely satisfactory, it is better to just break up.
3. Changes. And both negative and positive. For example, students got married, and after 10 years he became rich. Or he was healthy, and then became disabled. It seems that the situations are different, but they affect the couple in a similar way - the partner changes a lot, and the previous format of the relationship becomes obsolete. Changes may be associated with a new social role, for example, a woman becomes a mother, or a man becomes a big boss. Goals, outlook on life, social circle and personality change. A typical scenario is that a couple started a relationship in college. Both were students, same friends, same hobbies. And then the girl went to work, and a new life began for her. The young man now does not seem to her the best. She begins to compare him to other men and looks at him differently.
How to overcome? Anyone who is experiencing changes in life must clearly understand the future direction. What do you want? Should you continue and develop your relationship with your man or look for someone new? This crisis is difficult to put aside or ignore. In fact, you are living with a new person. Overcoming it alone is not in the power of one partner. If a couple has not formed friendly relations, when there is no idealization and expected model of behavior, a crisis can lead to a breakup. A constructive conversation is possible, but only when both partners are aware and able to hear each other.
4. Uneven development. Every person goes through certain stages - student, young specialist, professional, manager. Each role entails a specific set of behavior patterns. Let's say that at the beginning of the relationship the girl had many different roles, and after the birth of the child she sat down at home and dived into the only role of being a mother. Her man grew, developed, mastered new roles, and she was stuck in the role of a mother for 20 years. It is natural that people will distance themselves. Her circle of interests is limited to the house and children, but he wants to travel around the world, climb Everest, and create his own business. But his wife, instead of supporting him, tries to keep him within her limits - “stay at home, watch TV.” Of course, this causes protest and cooling. It’s trite, the spouses have nothing else to talk about. The second one is also offended and believes that he was abandoned when the direction and speed of the partner’s changes are very different.
How to overcome? The way out of the crisis is to develop and not get stuck in one role for many years. It is not necessary to copy your spouse’s hobbies, but the general direction of development and life goals should lie on the same plane.
A crisis is not a breakdown or a flat tire that can be repaired. The other person experiences changes, which means the relationship in the couple also changes. If you try to persuade, push and manipulate, you can seriously miscalculate and completely destroy the relationship. The main tools in overcoming crises are open dialogue, willingness to change and the desire to maintain mutual understanding and love. In any case, a crisis is not a disease or a pathological path of development. This is a normal situation. And how successfully the couple overcomes the crisis speaks of its viability. If the relationship is healthy, then the crisis will only strengthen it and make it deeper, and if the relationship is destructive or toxic, the crisis will drag it to the bottom.
Source: www.pickup.ru
What is a crisis in a relationship?
A relationship crisis is a period when an existing relationship is no longer satisfactory in the way it is now. With the onset of a crisis, partners can no longer live as before and need to change their usual patterns and established foundations.
Main symptoms:
- The habits of your loved one, which previously went unnoticed, suddenly begin to irritate
- There is a feeling that a “pink veil” has fallen, hiding the true appearance of a person until this moment.
- Sexual attraction to a partner and the desire to spend time with him fade away
- Loss of interest in the life of a loved one, in his professional or personal successes
Why there is a crisis in relationships
The relationship between two people, starting from the moment of its inception, is in constant development. They resemble a living organism that changes from outside intervention and can be restored. But if in beautiful fairy tales the prince and princess, having lived a long and happy life in perfect harmony, hope to die on the same day, then in real life everything happens differently.
It turns out that all lovers experience relationship crises to varying degrees, which signify that it’s time for their relationship to move to a new level. But what are the causes of crises? Psychologists and family counselors identify 6 typical situations that lead to conflict. They appear at different stages, regardless of the number of years lived together or the age of the partners.
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Desert Island
The most vulnerable are couples who have disappeared into each other, simultaneously playing the roles of lovers, friends, child, and parent. Having created their own deserted love island for two, they are not ready for change. The arrival of a third (newborn), drastic changes at work, or other events that jeopardize their “hermit” life can trigger conflict. But more often than not, a crisis in family relationships occurs because someone is tired of being “on the island.”
We are different
Many people refuse to accept the fact that each person is an individual and our partner cannot be our exact copy. Everyone has different biorhythms, desires, habits and outlook on life. In addition, there are also differences between the perception of reality of a man and a woman.
What is considered the norm for him, she perceives with hostility. “After sex, he immediately goes to bed, but I want to talk about something!”, “She never praises me for my efforts!”, “The way he used to eat is unbearable!”... Similar reproaches caused by disappointment in lover, lead to conflict and separation.
Is money everything?
Lack of money for a modern couple is a serious reason for quarrels, because it limits opportunities. But why at the initial stage “with a sweetheart and heaven in a hut”, and now the lack of funds is the No. 1 issue on the agenda? Psychologists say that this is just a reason behind which lies a desire to receive more warmth or attention. After all, in fact, harmonious relationships are ready to face real financial difficulties, as well as to find a way out of a difficult situation. If not, then the problem is probably not with the currency notes.
Lack of communication
To get to know each other, understand yourself, and maintain interest in your partner, it is advisable to communicate more. The idea that all the words have been said long ago, the topics have been discussed, and the answers are known in advance, leads to the fact that everyone lives their life next to their beloved, and not together with him.
Endless plans
Some couples begin their life together by carefully planning for the future. There are enough feelings and emotions to joyfully determine what to strive for. But as soon as the heady love fades away, the clearly outlined guidelines begin to depress, and the path to them seems meaningless. Having tied ourselves to the goals of acquiring a home, having a child, buying a car, we lose interest in today. Everyone begins to make plans within themselves, realizing that they can better realize themselves.
With the flow
The power of love can be too exaggerated, because love alone is not enough for an ideal relationship. Starting their journey together, both are confident that everything should work out by itself. But in reality, everything happens exactly the opposite - if you don’t make an effort to create a strong family, going with the flow, you don’t know where you might end up tomorrow.
The results of work to achieve harmony in all areas of the lives of lovers are not immediately visible, but they have to work continuously. The unwillingness to wait and the desire to have everything cause another relationship crisis.
Regardless of the reasons for the emergence of turning points in the life of a family, each crisis ends either in a break in the relationship or in a transition to a new level.
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My boyfriend is a dumpster
Think, girls, are you ready for such torment?
Photo: Ekaterina MARTINOVICH
The ghost of your ex is hovering over you...
If you started dating a man who recently went through a breakup, get ready for the ghost of his ex to hover between you for a long time. And he himself will periodically disappear on her pages on social networks or, in a moment of weakness, send her his sobs.
Psychologists, by the way, generally do not advise starting a new relationship earlier than a year after the end of the previous one. One of the partners will probably try to heal mental wounds with the help of the other, and the other will forever play the role of a band-aid that is applied to mental wounds. And this, you see, is not very pleasant.
Let him suffer!
“Instead of praising a man and showering him with compliments that he doesn’t deserve, start a joint hobby and try to spend more time in movement and physical activity,” advises the author of the book “The Psychology of Everything,” Kendra Cherry, MD.
“Let the man suffer enough,” Kendra continues, “don’t forbid him to feel sadness and self-pity.” Grief is a process for which there are no clear deadlines. Although he may need very little time to grieve enough after the breakup. And you just try to delicately explain to him that people break up not because one is bad and the other is good, but because of a difference in outlook on life, which is why blaming yourself and trying to understand where he messed up is pointless.
It will get easier in six months
Remember what the Roxette song says: “It must have been love, but now it's over. It must have been something good, but I missed it.” A couple of these popular lines contain the entire range of feelings that your loved one experiences: despair, sadness, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, loss of pleasure and interest in life, feelings of worthlessness, emptiness, fatigue... And you will have to show maximum endurance and care in order to in the end there was no trace of them left.
There is also good news: the most difficult ones are only the first three months, and already six months after a painful breakup, a person, as a rule, begins to return to his previous life. On average, of course. A lot depends on the person himself.
Give yourself back to him
Psychologists, the authors of an article in the American magazine Bustle, are sure that you can support an abandoned man by returning yourself to him. How to do it? Allow yourself to do stupid things, enjoy trifles without feeling guilty, in a word, live to the fullest!
“If a person is hurt because of a breakup, it means that he did not just break up with his partner,” says the magazine’s study. - Much earlier, he parted with himself - he left himself for the sake of this relationship. Now it's time to find yourself again.
Help the person engage in self-exploration: write a list of unfulfilled desires, think about activities for which there has not been enough time for a long time, or remember places that you have always wanted to visit. Think about it together and start doing things that can lift your man's spirits. Perhaps all his life he wanted to swim in Lake Ladoga or eat plenty of oysters, or maybe since childhood he dreamed of riding a powerful motorcycle? Repeat to the man that despite the fact that some of his dreams about a happy future have been shattered, these dreams have not become a wedge and he can get everything he wants in a new relationship. For example, with you.
Do something distracting
Another psychological magazine, Helpguide, gives a couple more useful tips for those who live with a man who has experienced a painful breakup: “Allow your partner to speak out, this will free him from oppressive feelings, help him share his pain with you and feel less lonely. Listen carefully and respond with empathy. Offer to do something distracting: go to an exhibition, shopping, a movie, or even church. Cook some complex dish together or make a comic video together..."
But the most important thing is to take responsibility and do not blame your new partner for the fact that his experiences are so strong, and he also shares them with you. After all, you yourself agreed to date him, so be flexible and compassionate! Believe me, he will remember and appreciate your help and dedication for a very long time.
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It's better, of course, to suffer
The leader of the social movement “Frivolous Russia” Alexander MONOGAMOV comments on the situation:
- Yes, it’s difficult with us loser romantics. We are abandoned, we suffer. So think about it, girls, are you ready for such torment? It’s easier in this sense with men who have abandoned someone themselves. True, in this case you will constantly be tormented by the thought: “What if he just as easily leaves me?”
In general, as the unforgettable comrade Sukhov said in “White Sun of the Desert”: “It is better, of course, to suffer.”
Crisis periods of relationship development
Psychologists say that relationships between men and women go through certain stages of development. They are characterized by periodic ebbs and flows, when irritation and a series of mutual reproaches give way to a sharply surging passion.
Deep love
This stage is characterized by a sharp emotional rise on both sides and the emergence of an irresistible attraction. It is at this stage that partners commit unpredictable acts, being interested only in their other half. As a rule, reality is distorted, and each other’s shortcomings fade into the background.
Sobering
Gradually, feelings cool down, grounding the lovers in reality. The level of hormones decreases, the general condition returns to normal. The image of the chosen one no longer seems so ideal, and the desire to be together constantly is replaced by the desire to defend the boundaries of one’s territory, opinion, habits.
If both partners turn out to be strong personalities, a collision cannot be avoided. According to psychologists, this is a normal reaction to a surge of love, which can be compared to a hangover that comes after noisy fun. But as soon as the partner appears nearby, the feelings return with the same ardor.
Rejection or exploration
The third stage of a relationship carries the first serious danger of separation. Emotions cool down, the rosy veil and former romance are no longer there, and shortcomings are visible even more clearly. The realization that the partner did not coincide with the expected ideal leads to constant irritation, quarrels and the proposal to “take a break from the relationship.”
The appearance of a partner is no longer enough to overcome psychological discomfort. For reconciliation, a push is needed: a bouquet of flowers, an unusual gift or other signs of attention. Having examined each other sufficiently, everyone makes a fateful decision - to reject or accept.
Rapprochement
Having passed the dangerous stage, the relationship reaches a new level and begins its development in a different direction. The habits, character traits and shortcomings of the other no longer irritate, and the main goal becomes not the desire to change the partner, but the search for compromises.
There is another side of the coin - disagreements, quarrels become more acute, in which everyone strives to cite examples of “atrocities” from the past. As soon as one person leaves, repentance begins and balance is gradually restored. During this period, the couple acquires the main thing - patience, and it is the first sign of the emergence of true love.
Cooperation
The period is marked by finding balance. What does it mean? Having studied and accepted the partner for who he is, lovers begin to understand each other more. Warm friendships arise that help strengthen love. Everyone strives to show concern for their other half, is interested in her professional achievements, and her state of health.
A crisis in relations at this stage can provoke a conflict that arises, as they say, “out of the blue.” Everyone is confident in their importance and is not going to make concessions. The danger is that now all the sick and weak points are known. It won’t be difficult for someone to press them in a fit of anger, but the offended party, perceiving this as a blow below the belt, may not forgive.
The cooperation stage is a period of maturity, but no one is immune from breakups, which happen quite often there.
Mutual respect
Having gone through all the above steps, the couple is ready to go into family life or break off the relationship. These two cardinal directions arise due to the fact that the time has come to change their roles, moving to the status of husband and wife, and over time, parents.
If both are ready for this, then the crisis will pass unnoticed, since the partners have learned to respect each other and value each other for their internal qualities, and not for specific actions. The union becomes like a strong and friendly team, ready to overcome any difficulties together.
The level of trust, understanding, and mutual respect can become a reliable foundation for creating a family and returning the emotions of the first stage.
A crisis in a relationship is just a turning point that most couples face and which can be overcome, if there is a desire on both sides for this. Here are the main causes of crises and the main stages of the relationship between a man and a woman, knowing about which it will be much easier to avoid the traps set.
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Source: WikiGrowth.ru
A crisis is any revolution, a turning point when a person begins to think about the past and future, and also expresses dissatisfaction with reality. Family life is a close interaction between a man and a woman, who must overcome such critical periods together and work to strengthen their relationship. According to psychologists, almost every family has to face four moments of crisis.
Crisis of one year
At first, lovers feel a surge of emotions and euphoria, passion rages in the couple, the partner seems to be an ideal person without the slightest flaw. A man and a woman begin to gradually get used to each other, explore the boundaries of their partner, and also defend their territory. It is during this period that the majority of breakups occur, because people do not immediately see their partner’s shortcomings, and when they have to face them, they feel disappointed and want to end the relationship.
How to survive the crisis of one year. Firstly, from the very beginning of dating, you need to communicate a lot with the person in order to get to know him better as a person. You need to observe his actions and words - they will help analyze his psychology and motives. If a person does not create illusions, then he cannot be disappointed. Throughout the year, it is important to talk a lot, share your experiences and emotions. You can also find a common hobby that will bring partners together.
Crisis of three years
As a rule, this stage covers a time period of three to five years of the relationship. Many couples at this moment are already starting a life together or entering into an official marriage; partners often have to solve everyday issues that are far from the romance of their past. Relationships lose elements of passion and novelty, people may face financial problems. Boredom begins to irritate a person, he ceases to appreciate his lover. In other words, the illusions of a happy family life and everyday life are crumbling, and the couple has to face the harsh reality.
How to survive a three-year crisis. To survive this moment of crisis, you need to understand that it is just as difficult for your chosen one as it is for you. He also wants his family life to bring him happiness and joy, and not constant problems, so he should not consider his spouse an enemy and take out his resentment on him. Constant attention, the desire to please a loved one - these simple things can work real miracles.
Seven Years Crisis
Spouses who have spent seven whole years together are mature people who are accustomed to living together and coping with conflict situations. Most often, after seven years of relationship, lovers move away because they gradually get tired of each other, it is difficult for them to understand their chosen one. Everyday life also overshadows relationships. Spouses do not feel pleasure and intimacy after so many years of marriage; they tend to scold their partner and blame him for various problems.
How to survive the crisis of seven years. At this stage, variety in life plays a special role, since the crisis of seven years is a crisis of everyday life and routine. A good shake-up for partners would be a joint trip to a beautiful place: mountaineering in the mountains or diving lessons at sea. You can also offer your spouse some kind of hobby that could provide new topics for conversation and also contribute to the exchange of emotions between partners.
Source: gurutest.ru
Explosive periods
According to psychologists, there are the most dangerous periods of the family ages. Statistics show that a large number of young families break up after the first year of marriage, and the reason for this event is everyday life. The spouses completely refuse to distribute their responsibilities and at least somehow change their usual way of life.
The next critical period is considered to be 3-5 years of marriage. It was during this period that the couple's first child was born. From ardent lovers, the couple turns into friendly comrades.
The crisis of family relationships after 10 years of marriage is associated with addiction. Life goes on as usual and it seems to the spouses that further “coexistence” will be monotonous and uninteresting. If you have been married for more than fifteen years, the next crisis may come when the children leave the parental “nest”. Now they have to get used to living together again and change their habits.
