Unreasonable jealousy between spouses

0 2459 June 14, 2020 at 08:38 Author of the publication: Ekaterina Terzi, economist

Jealousy is a painful feeling... The worm of doubt sometimes reaches such proportions that it seems that the jealous person is suffocating himself and cutting off the air for his loved one. A jealous person drives himself and his loved one into a frenzy. Relationships cannot survive for long in such incredible tension. Even the most stable and stable ones threaten to turn into ruins.

Creating a harmonious relationship is a titanic task. In an attempt to preserve this value, a person begins to look for ways to get rid of feelings of jealousy.

The first step is Google queries. And now dozens of pages are already being sorted out with answers to the question: how to cope with jealousy. But with all the diversity that the Internet offers, there really is little practical advice to help solve the problem of how to get rid of jealousy. The psychology of this condition remained unclear until recently.

You look at these advisers and think: people, what are you talking about? What is it like “get better, don’t have a complex, pull yourself together”?! It's like trying to stop Hurricane Katrina. It's useless to control the elements!

Jealousy is a natural disaster within the psyche. Not knowing the nature of this feeling, people mistakenly attribute the disease to themselves. That’s what they say at a psychologist’s appointment: “Doctor, I’m a pathological jealous person. I don’t know how to overcome jealousy.” Often, when asked by a “patient” - how to deal with jealousy - the advice of a psychologist does not help one iota.

What to do with jealousy and how to stop tormenting your partner can be suggested by the “System-Vector Psychology” training by Yuri Burlan, which reveals to us the unconscious desires of people. There lie the roots and causes of this oppressive feeling. The very forces that control us unconsciously become clear: they force us to interrogate with passion, control every step of our partner and perceive the other person as property: “Mine! Will not give it back!".

What pushes us to jealousy? This phenomenon can be viewed from three different perspectives of world perception. Let's take a closer look.

Tips on how to deal with jealousy?

1. You have to be reasonable. Consider all the things that make you jealous. Maybe they're not worth your interest. It takes a while to figure out what the problem is. This may take from several hours to several days. Once you discover that your jealousy is not reasonable, you should write it down so you can remember it the next time you can't control your feelings.
2. Trust your man. Of course, you will be nervous and angry if you see another girl flirting with your boyfriend. Yes, this is not a pleasant situation. Some girls may be too active towards your boyfriend. Although, this is not a reason to be upset. How to deal with jealousy? Try to focus on the positive side of this issue. It's wonderful that your loved one attracts the attention of others. Aren't you happy to realize that you have a handsome and attractive boyfriend?

Keep in mind that only your trust will help you build strong and long-term relationships. It is impossible to control your man all the time, so you must remain calm and trust him.

1. Define uncertainty. In most episodes, our jealousy begins from self-doubt. If you think that those women who surround your partner (colleagues or his friends) are more beautiful and slimmer than you, then the feeling of jealousy will drive you crazy. Every time you start feeling jealous of some girl who is near your man, you must get rid of your self-doubt and focus on your strengths, which makes you a unique person.

You need to be more confident in yourself and never let your emotions prevail over common sense.

1. Forget the past. When it comes to relationships with men, your experiences can be beneficial to you, even if they were unpleasant, and even if we only have bad memories of them.

We must learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them in future relationships. However, when you get together with someone new and you really love them, don't let your past affect your relationship with them. How to deal with jealousy? For example, if your ex cheated on you, don't get caught up in the idea that the new guy might do the same. Everyone is different and not everyone behaves so badly.

The best way to be happy with the person you love is to let go of the past and enjoy what you have now.

1. Spend more time together. There are many married couples who cannot spend enough time with each other due to some circumstances. For example, you may work far away, study in another city, or simply have a job that requires a lot of time. Not being able to see each other, young people often begin to quarrel.

Usually jealousy is the main reason for their misunderstanding. How to deal with jealousy? Despite all the work you have to do, try to spend more time with your significant other and appreciate every moment of your love and happiness. This will undoubtedly improve your relationship.

1. Clarify the situation. Stressful situations and misunderstandings are an integral part of natural relationships between couples. The problem is how often do these situations happen? If you often see your boyfriend acting strangely and you can see obvious signs of cheating, you need to discuss the problem with your partner. There is probably no need for you to worry about his behavior and you will come to a common understanding. Clarifying the situation is a great way to stop your jealousy.

Jealousy as a feeling of possessiveness

True jealousy, as it is, is characteristic of the carrier of the skin vector. Such people are distinguished by their desire to own property. The first word of a skin child is “Give.” Such people perceive everything as prey.

Their highest value is social and property dominance, accumulation of material wealth, ranking. A person with the skin vector, even being developed and fulfilled, but under extreme stress, begins to perceive his other half as property. A woman with such a man can feel like a bird in a golden cage. He feels the need to control her: “Where have you been late? Who did you dress up for? Did someone show up for you?”

Without an eight-dimensional perception of reality, a person tends to look through himself. First of all, the one who is capable of cheating or fantasizing about this topic is jealous. Paradoxically, having a balanced libido and being absolutely monogamous, a person with a skin vector, flexible in mind and body, can change partners like gloves.

Such desires arise if a person fails to apply his talent in society, and instead of changing the surrounding reality, he cheats in bed. Having a natural talent for self-restraint, lawmaking and engineering, people with the skin vector transform the social sphere, giving it shape. Frames and restrictions are what they enjoy. When they fail to realize their potential in society, control over loved ones comes into play, and suspicions of treason arise. In this way, a person receives his limited pleasure in realization. Therefore, he evaluates his partner in the same way: if I can, then what prevents him from doing it?

Jealousy of the past

Another manifestation of jealousy in the anal vector is jealousy of the past. Be it a childhood friend or a classmate. “First” in their understanding is always the best, and therefore it seems that they will have to compete with an unattainable ideal.

The gaze of a person with an anal vector is always turned to the past. In his value system, the past is always better than the present. Even the favorite subject at school for such children is history. These are the owners of phenomenal memory.

A person with such mental properties often becomes a hostage to his first experience, and if it was unsuccessful, then this is reflected throughout his life.

In a woman, jealousy can manifest itself as a feeling of deprivation and dislike. She is more inclined to be jealous of her husband for a classmate than for a beautiful neighbor in the stairwell. A man with an anal vector is jealous from fear of being disgraced. “What people will say” is very important to him. It is important for him that his wife’s reputation is impeccable. For him this is not an empty phrase! Focused on the past, he also tends to be jealous of exes. Sometimes such jealousy can end tragically for the “suspects.”

How jealousy manifests itself

Signs of jealousy may differ between men and women.

Jealousy in women

• Women tend to perceive the world intuitively and are often guided by emotions. Jealousy can arise for no apparent reason, based on suspicion and increased emotionality. Among the signs, the main place is occupied by the tendency to constant control and the imposition of guilt on a man. There may also be
• regular video calls;
• reading correspondence on a smartphone and social networks;
• fantasies and speculations;
• causeless scandals;
• accusing the husband, listing all his shortcomings, humiliation;
• veiled interrogations, searches for compromising evidence;
• resentment and distance for no apparent reason.

Jealousy in men

For men, the emotional sphere is more taboo than for women. They may be ashamed of their feelings and hide them from themselves. Emotions accumulate, at some point there is an explosion.

By nature, men are owners; the thought of sharing their woman with another is painful for them. This often manifests itself in a lack of control over one’s own behavior and outbursts of violence. Other signs:

• is often interested in his partner’s life, but speaks negatively about her friends, considers his girlfriend or wife frivolous;
• checking information, surveillance on social networks, can install CCTV cameras in the apartment, tracking applications in the smartphone;
• long conversations and moral teachings about devotion and fidelity;
• prohibition on wearing revealing clothes, bright makeup, meeting with friends;
• nervous, gloomy mood, feeling of humiliation and insult even in the absence of evidence.

The cure for jealousy

Girls, admit it, was there a man in your life who “caught you”? The one you think about: “YES, that’s him!” A man who had everything - an attractive appearance and body, a sharp mind. The feeling that you are on the same wavelength with him.

If there was, then most likely there was an annoying side effect in addition to the wonderful feelings. You have always been haunted by the feeling that they will try to seduce and steal your man; that he will cheat on you. This fear is especially acute if you have experienced betrayal in the past.

One thing you need to know is that your brain is great at adapting to past patterns based on your experiences. So, if a man with whom you once had a relationship began to move away from you or simply disappear, and then it turned out that he had cheated on you, then your brain will begin to convince you that everything will repeat itself exactly , simply because your new wonderful man begins to behave in a similar way.

In fact, he may just be tired from work, or he may be incredibly busy, and therefore does not answer your messages or call you back for several hours. And that's completely normal! After all, this means, first of all, that your man is not going to be dependent on your financial condition, and that he will be ready to provide for you on his own.

In such cases, the biggest threat to your relationship is not other women who are trying to seduce your man (let's be realistic - a real man can say no). The real problem may be a lack of trust between you. If you allow your imagination to come up with non-existent actions on the part of your man, then sooner or later you will begin to radiate your distrust until you finally push him away.

Perhaps the reason for this is your bitter experience. And you will ask the question: “How can I learn to trust, how can I fix my brain?”

The answer is surprisingly simple, although you may find it difficult to stick to a particular practice at first. It's like mastering the habit of going to the gym, because it's much easier to sit at home and remain lazy. But listen, if you master this practice, you will improve your love life and completely get rid of your jealousy problems!

The trick is to change the way you think

I'll explain. Have you ever had a fully scripted dream? And while you were imagining this scenario, did you have very real emotions? Of course the answer is yes. Because your mind is capable of it.

If you think about what a wonderful time you will have with your lover, you will have a smile and butterflies in your stomach. Just from thoughts, imagine! But the date itself hasn’t even happened yet!

The bottom line is that if you have no evidence or real reason to suspect your partner, then most likely he is faithful to you. And the worst thing you can do is start digging through his phone and crossing personal boundaries in search of non-existent evidence. This behavior begins to poison your relationship. And it is she who is the greatest threat, not other women.

If you suffer from jealousy, then focus on what, on the contrary, makes you think (and proves) that the man is faithful to you. Allow your brain to see the normal, healthy examples that exist in your relationships and you will find that over time your level of trust will increase.

As a result, you will feel deep gratitude from your man, and you will end up happier and closer!

The consequences of negative thoughts and suspiciousness in our lives

How suspiciousness prevents us from living

? First, bad thoughts are permanently “written” in our head, then they turn into negative emotions that haunt us in all areas of life, and as a result, we ourselves attract troubles, failures and problems with our thoughts and behavior.

Particularly often, suspiciousness manifests itself in issues related to health, career and relationships. For example,
suspiciousness towards diseases can develop into real paranoia, when we constantly look for signs of serious diseases in ourselves - and, most importantly, find them and convince ourselves that we are terminally ill.
Suspicion spoils life not only for us, but also for the people around us. Agree that it would be difficult for you to communicate with a person who inflates every trifle into problems of a universal scale. Such a person attracts trouble, considers himself a complete loser and does not add a positive mood to himself or those around him.

Often suspiciousness is connected precisely with health. The example we gave of searching for all possible fatal diseases is not a joke. For many, this behavior is a way of life. In medicine, people with similar behavior are called “hypochondriacs.”

A suspicious person, like a hypochondriac, does not imitate his fears, he is under the influence of self-hypnosis - he is “infected” with his fear, like a virus.

Constant suspiciousness

gradually draws you into its net: you perceive the entire world around you only in a negative light, you do not live, but exist under the yoke of your fears. In addition, suspiciousness can develop into psychosomatic problems, including:

• Respiratory diseases;
• Constant irritability;
• Depression;
• Prolonged depression.

A suspicious person is confident in advance of a negative result, so he will not even make any special efforts to achieve his goals in life. Why stress if everything is going to be bad?

As a result of all this, a person’s quality of life deteriorates:

• We are deprived of peace, we are constantly in tension;
• We can do rash things;
• We go under the power of obsessive thoughts;
• Our social circle is narrowing, as some people are eliminated as suspicious, while others disappear on their own, not wanting to become just as suspicious;
• Health deteriorates: migraines, hypertension, gastrointestinal diseases, nervous disorders appear;
• Positivity and positive emotions disappear from life.

A suspicious person can get rid of negative thoughts and fear It is very important that we can notice our “suspicious” state ourselves. And here you shouldn’t let the situation take its course. The sooner you start working on yourself, the sooner happiness will return to your life!

You can remove suspiciousness from your life on your own, but to do this you need:

1. Realize your situation and understand that you really have problems with suspiciousness;
2. Be prepared to constantly analyze your life.

And now, if you are ready, let's proceed to specific measures. Here's what you need to do:

• Always look for positive qualities in yourself, focus on your successes, not mistakes, and emphasize your best features.
• Set yourself up for the positive: to start, just smile at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say how good you are. Further more - try to find positive moments in every little thing.
• Try to laugh at yourself: it’s quite difficult to do, but you can still try.

Tip #1
:
Write down your fears on sticky notes and stick them on the wall in a place where you will see them all the time. Soon you will get used to them and realize that being afraid of such things is really funny. As you get used to these stickers, you will worry less, and, therefore, suspiciousness will gradually disappear.

Tip #2

: Depict your fear in a drawing, or better yet, in the form of a comic book. This technique will also help you deal with your fears in a humorous way rather than as an anxious person.

• Drive away fear. It is fear that needs to be driven away, not thoughts. By trying to drive away obsessive negative thoughts
  , you will only increase their impact on yourself.

Tip #3

: Psychologists advise telling your fear: “Come here, what did you come up with again? Now we’ll sort it out with you!”

• Try to think rationally, think about the pleasant, not the bad.

Tip #4

: Find yourself a hobby. A favorite activity 100% allows you to take your mind off negative thoughts.

Fighting suspiciousness with the help of a diary

Another way to get rid of suspiciousness yourself

, is keeping a diary. Experts call this method “the boring way.” Why is this so? Because you should write down absolutely everything down to the smallest detail in your diary: your experiences, feelings, how the situation was resolved, and also analyze your behavior. When you begin to write down why you behaved this way, whether it was worth it, what feelings you experienced, you will understand that in most cases, you worried in vain, and your suspiciousness was not justified.

You can also talk in your diary about topics such as: did they really want to offend me, or did I make it all up?

?
Is this important enough to worry about
? and so on. Thinking about the situation, you yourself will understand that there was nothing to worry about, and your suspiciousness will gradually decrease.

Journaling allows you to slow down and not jump to negative conclusions. This way you will learn to track steps that are very often taken automatically in our heads.

Constant suspiciousness: where does it come from?

There are only two main reasons for increased suspiciousness:

• Low self-esteem
  , and it doesn’t matter for what reason it was formed.

As psychologists often say: low self-esteem and suspiciousness go together just like low immunity and the flu. If you have poor immunity, then during a standard flu epidemic in winter you will definitely get sick. It’s the same with suspiciousness: if you have, then suspiciousness will be one of the main traits of your character.

• Disinclination to analyze the surrounding situation
  - if for some reason you cannot adequately assess the situation around you, then
  excessive suspiciousness
  with or without reason will become your constant companion.

What to do in these cases? In the first, work on yourself and increase your self-esteem, following the advice of experts; in the second, become a bore for a while, that is, analyze every situation from all possible points of view to make sure that nothing threatens you.

The risk group includes children and adolescents, lonely elderly people, as well as adults who have a burden of unresolved youth problems behind them. Suspiciousness can manifest itself in childhood and remain a stable phenomenon throughout a person’s life, worsening in adolescence and old age. According to observations, women are more often suspicious than men.