Nowadays, more and more people are turning to psychologists for help in situations of betrayal of a loved one. Of course, everyone’s story is different, and everyone feels alone in this problem. But it cannot be denied that in the face of this pain everyone becomes equal and somewhat similar. It was this thought that prompted me to write an article in the format of live communication; I wanted to create a group effect where we can simply discuss the troubling questions that women and men who are faced with this problem often come up with.
I cheat on my husband, although I love him. Why is this happening?
The general gist of the letter:
Hello! Help me please! I can't understand myself. I’m cheating on my husband, but I don’t seem to want to do it, but sometimes it drags me in and only after it’s happened do I understand what I’ve done. I love my husband very much, but this is not the first time I have cheated. All the time I try to break up with my lover, but as soon as I make an appointment to talk and put an end to it, I can’t help but give up on supposedly the last time. The husband doesn’t know anything, but he seems to guess.
When I don’t see the “third wheel” for weeks, I seem to let him go, I don’t love him, but if he writes and asks me to meet, then I lose my head and for some reason I go to him when my husband is on the night shift. What is happening to me? By any chance, am I sick? How to get rid of this phenomenon? I asked my lover if he was going to legitimize our relationship, he made it clear that he was not, since I have two children. Naturally, after this I don’t want to have anything to do with him.
When I quarrel with my husband again, I leave the apartment, immediately call a taxi and again go to my lover, after the treacherous process I calm down. I cheat on my husband like this all the time, I love my husband, but I want to cheat again when I get bored with his composure or accusations of cheating (see How to prove to a husband that his wife has not cheated?)
I understand that I love my husband , but I cheated on him . what to do when I come home and he asks about my whereabouts, I remain silent.
Probably, the man (on the left side) has external attractiveness, behind which there is an emptiness with a physiological antidepressant, in fact, you “fall for” this shell. Potentially, you see your lover better than your spouse, but having lost everything, you will understand the mistake (without loss you won’t understand, so you can try to tell everything to your loved one), perhaps after this all desire to wander around the social network waiting for a message from the homewrecker will disappear. Read: Is it possible to cheat on your husband?
Alcohol - no
If your husband cheated, how to survive the betrayal? For some women, alcohol helps get rid of feelings of betrayal and resentment. Yes, indeed, it can dull emotions for a while. But the thoughts won’t go anywhere. Also, remember - it’s easy to start drinking, but it won’t be easy to stop yourself.
The same applies to taking sleeping pills and antidepressants. All medications can only be used after they have been prescribed by a doctor. It is better to choose another way to calm and relax. For example, take a bath with herbs, go to the pool or have a massage. Find something to do. Perhaps it will be a long-forgotten hobby, or unfulfilled desires (for example, dancing, singing, drawing, knitting, driving a car).
Now is the time to change for the better not only in your life, but also in yourself. It's time for yoga and special training. These options will help you regain your peace of mind and sort out your thoughts and feelings.
If a divorce does happen, the divorced person will be able, thanks to spiritual practices, to let go of the past and tune in to a new life. How to survive the betrayal of your beloved husband and divorce? Work on yourself, analyze and draw conclusions.
The husband cheated, but says that he loves him - he’s lying (first story).
Quite often in recent days I began to think, is my husband faithful to me at all? Some calls are too suspicious, he takes the phone and runs to another room or toilet, is afraid to talk in front of me, blushes - clearly something is wrong! Previously, I could leave my social network account open, but now it turns out that I have changed the password. I feel like I'm hiding a lot. But I was lucky, I brought him to clean water. One day he forgot to leave contact and I discovered a three-month correspondence with a girl 14 years younger than me. When I'm on the night shift, he rocks it with her. As it turned out, this girl was far from his first; the others left him on their own, apparently realizing what kind of dog he was. He works as a carpenter, I am a manager in a cafe, I do everything for him (I do the housework, I cook, I do the laundry...), sometimes I even buy more gifts than he does, but that doesn’t bother me.
I saw a lot, I’m no longer a girl, so I decided to talk to him calmly without any clarification. He says he loves. But can a loving husband cheat ? This has become very strange, do loving men even cheat? Help me decide, please!
- For the entire period of marriage, you played the role of a mother for your husband, so he got used to you and treats you accordingly. Third-party relationships will not lead to anything good, either she will leave him too, or she will try to win him back, but since he is with you to this day, he is unlikely to leave, since he has settled too comfortably. It’s up to you to decide what to do, but you should understand that these “partyings” will not stop or something serious should affect him, for example, children or a new job, where they will demand an order of magnitude more from him.
I want and love to cheat on my husband. Does your conscience bother you?
Judging by the description of your interactions, you do not like either one or the other, but in both you are attracted by certain attributes that are not present in one person, this resonance prevents you from dotting all the dots with one of the heroes of the triangle. Typically, for a quiet life, a woman needs the following:
- Stability in bed;
- Welfare;
- Having the necessary character traits (opposite to your temperament for healthy interaction);
- External indicators.
Decide, for help, remember the saying “If you chase two hares, you won’t catch either!” It was not invented out of nowhere. However, any friend who wishes you well will tell you this.
If you do not tell your spouse about your actions, then you should not continue such communication, because the longer you delay, the higher the risk that he will find out about it, because you have children who become invisible witnesses. Aren't you afraid that at some inconvenient moment they will tell you about your absence at night?
What is more painful is the consequences that your children may receive; this is an inferiority complex, manifested in the following forms of behavior:
- Developmental retardation;
- Disobedience, laziness, lack of incentive and motivation to do any work, study, do homework, etc.;
- Loss of reason amid an increased desire to rise among peers;
- Incorrect formation of ideas about healthy relationships between people and in particular between a man and a woman;
- Denial of any morally positive principles or foundations;
- Closedness;
- Loss of meaning to life;
- and other serious psychological problems.
Based on history, it is clear that you are a housewife, and your husband earns. Imagine what will happen if you get divorced and leave both children with you, yes, he will pay alimony or raise them, keeping a check pad, but do you really want a dysfunctional family in which children will have the problems described above? You will go to school like you go to work, and to the police or a child psychotherapist on weekends.
Remember! An action always has a consequence. If you lead an immoral life, you will definitely have a negative outcome.
Interesting: Dream: I cheated on my husband. What does it mean?
Love helps us accept our partner's shortcomings
It is worth noting separately that the vision of love, its sensation, the period of falling in love, and the experience of difficulties in relationships are radically different for women and men. Women are emotional, sensual creatures, and with this they decorate the logical and simple world of men, giving bright shades to the black and white background. It’s difficult for us to be together, but without each other we also wouldn’t be able to live fully.
Love is a feeling that unites a man and a woman, contributing to changes in the natures of partners. In this article I want to talk about exactly this - about our differences in love, without knowing which even the strongest and most powerful feeling can disappear irrevocably.
Reasons for male infidelity
- Dissatisfaction in sexual relationships, including an insufficient number of contacts.
- Long separation from his wife, for example, due to business trips.
- The desire to feel like a “man” - a conqueror of women, where quantity is an indicator of male wealth and self-esteem.
- “Covering” possible failure in other areas of life, the desire to look in demand and important in one’s own eyes.
- A motive of revenge for an already committed betrayal by a partner is also possible.
- Cooling of relationships in marriage, the desire to revitalize your life.
- The emergence of deep feelings for another woman, called love; Moreover, it is obvious that sex is attached to this phenomenon.
- Casual sex “drunk”, or under other “aggravated” circumstances.
- Increased need for sexual contact due to physiological reasons.
A pathological desire to have as many women as possible, which finds its origins in the psychological characteristics of a particular individual. For example, this may be a means of reducing anxiety, which for one reason or another is high.
Age crises, something like “gray hair in the beard...”. A kind of pill against old age and fear of death. Perhaps before marriage the individual did not lead a very active sex life and at some point suddenly decided to make up for lost time. Although, by and large, this point can also be attributed to the previous one - life goes on, but I haven’t really had anything yet.
After watching various films about free love, a man may decide to try it in his personal relationships. Sometimes it even works out. But such “successful” attempts are completely exceptions. More often than not, relationships suffer almost irreparable damage.
Don't forget about work - using sex as a tool for career advancement is now in demand among both men and women.
In general, the list of types and subtypes of male infidelity can be quite significant. The female version, in general, is not very different from the male version. We can highlight those features of female infidelity when betrayal is most often committed as:
After the betrayal, I realized that I love my husband. What to do?
This can also happen, but less often, because there is not always a clear understanding that the spouse is still dear. But what kind of nonsense is this if the incident occurs in an officially registered marriage? Didn't you realize that you loved before the incident? If not, then why did you say the cherished “Yes?” For a wedding feast? Trips? Honeymoon?
Advice: if you really value your union, then it is better to tell everything yourself (see How to confess to your husband that you are cheating?). The effect of the news will be much more serious if your man finds out about the mistake from other sources (see. My husband found out about the betrayal. What to do?). By admitting what you did, you will once again confirm your honesty and make it clear that you regret the offense. As a result, accept his verdict with your head held high and, if he files for divorce, having made the right conclusions, do not repeat such acts in a future marriage; if he forgives, try to take care of the complete eradication of this dirty fact from his memory!
Control over emotions
If divorce is not an option and you decide to preserve your union, then you will need patience and work on yourself. You need to learn to handle the situation correctly. Usually the first emotions are pain and anger. They squeeze and don’t allow you to breathe calmly. If your husband cheats, how to cope? Free yourself from accumulated emotions. This is the only way to soberly assess the situation and act as reason dictates.
There is no need to be embarrassed to cry. How to survive your husband's betrayal? The psychologist's advice is to first eliminate accumulated emotions. You can cry, scream. This way the negativity will spill out a little.
Of course, hysteria alone is not the solution; it is very difficult to accept and understand betrayal. But when passions run high and emotions rage, it is unlikely that the decision made will be correct.
There is no need to constantly go over the details of what happened in your head. Try to distance yourself a little from what is happening. You can sign up for a swimming pool or fitness class. There is no need to be shy about talking with loved ones, as this is another way to express your emotions.
When the storm calms down a bit, look at the current situation from the outside. Everyone is alive and well, there was no catastrophe, the asteroid is not flying on a direct course to Earth. When comparing global catastrophes and personal tragedy, we can conclude that now it’s bad, it’s hard, the man betrayed him, but life didn’t stop there. Especially if he does not agree to the divorce, but also wants to preserve the union.
Why do women leave their families?
With women everything is much more complicated. Wives rarely leave a family with children without taking the child with them. Otherwise, a lover may appear on the side, but she will never move in with him if he refuses to accept his only son or daughter. Therefore, let’s analyze a situation that often happens in marital relationships where there is no mutual understanding and attention:
- Female infidelity happens if there is not enough attention to a beautiful person. She gets bored in the evenings, struggles with everyday life, getting the children ready for school, spending several hours every day at the stove, working. And in response: “I’m tired after a hard day at work, feed me and put me in the bedroom.” Any mother will live for the sake of her child, but will never again, out of a feeling of love, give her husband a smile and tenderness. She will find several hours a day to devote herself to the mystery of love relationships, but with another man.
- Lack of love and passion. Over the years, if a woman realizes that she has fallen out of love, she is capable of betrayal, capable of even leaving the marital home. At the same time, it will be very difficult to stop her. She will refuse a share of property, money, benefits, but will do as her heart tells her.
It is worth understanding that it is important for girls to receive a little in order to give back. If a young man cares better and more, she will never look at another. Separately, psychologists identify a category of women who may “suffer” from this feeling. They guard the object of their desire at work, at home, in the yard, just to see him and draw attention to themselves. Unrequited feelings in such cases can give rise to a feeling of inadequacy in women, which they will use on other victims, cheating and betraying those who truly value them. This is called revenge on the male gender. Such young ladies believe that all men cheat and it is better to do this in revenge for the entire female race, citing offended feelings in past relationships.
Why a loved one cheats: justification arguments
There are many arguments and different ways to explain and clarify the motives for betrayal. And they are almost the same among people of different ages, but not everyone can understand them. A teenager who has been deceived by a girl will not worry about this as much as an accomplished adult man. He has already known the taste of betrayal, changed his attitude and his worldview, but still his heart is hurt by the ladies. Women, oddly enough, find it easier to survive betrayal due to maternal instinct. If the husband feels resentment for his injured pride, then the wife will ask the question: “I love a person who cheats, but how can I forgive him?” One is looking for ways to make amends, the other will seek understanding and explanation of the situation. However, the outcome after solving all the answers and questions varies.
What to do if your husband or beloved boyfriend cheated?
If you have known the “infidel” only recently, then life is on your side. Thank her for saving you from someone who could cause you even more severe pain in the future. Be glad that everything was resolved with minimal losses for you and so soon.
For married couples there are two options:
The first is to leave without agreeing to anything. Never be second in line. Go through a period of living with problems and let go, end the relationship.
The second is to stay, compromise, develop the habit of tolerance and forgiveness.
In any case, everyone can and should extract their own meaningful and unique life experience from the current situation. The main thing is not to be fooled by the manifestation of a standard behavioral package inherent at the level of instincts in each of us. And try to rise above the situation, understand and realize why this happened, why to you?
What psychologists say
There are four reasons why people who are generally well-adjusted and happy in their primary relationships may nevertheless engage in infidelity, risking their marriage, their home, their family, their position in society.
Exploring yourself
The search for a new sense of self is probably the most powerful of these reasons. Cheating as a form of self-knowledge, the search for a new (or lost) identity. In a word, people are looking for themselves, exploring, discovering some new facets of themselves that were previously unknown. In such cases, cheating even benefits the relationship. Provided, of course, that the spouse never finds out about it.
For these women, infidelity is an exploration of never-experienced or long-repressed parts of themselves. It is freedom from who they used to be and who they currently are. Interestingly, they usually don't want to change who they are; they just want to break free from these restrictions for a little while - to feel young again, to explore, grow and experience life. When these people cheat, they are not looking for another person, they are looking for themselves.
The Seductive Nature of Temptations
Sometimes happy women who cheat say they feel like a teenager when they have sex, hiding. It's fun and forbidden, and they get a kick out of breaking the rules. This is comparable to a 10-year-old child stealing cookies that his mother told him not to eat. Forbidden cookies simply taste very sweet.
Temptation combined with obstacles and prohibitions causes great excitement. This is the seductive nature of crime.
Trying to catch up
Here, instead of crime, missed opportunities attract people. They think about who is gone, or about what never happened, or about the life they could have had if only... This can cause them to feel limited and protected by their chosen life and relationships. , no matter how much they enjoy this life and relationship.
So they indulge their curiosity. They use extramarital sex to see who they could be if they chose a different path. Again, this is a form of self-exploration where infidelity introduces one to the stranger within.
Emotional release
Finally, happy women who cheat may do so to experience new emotions. For them, infidelity is more of an emotional release than a sexual release. Once again, they explore their inner selves.
What does the psychologist recommend?
If you cannot cope with the situation on your own, it is better to contact a specialist. He will tell you how to survive your husband’s infidelity and betrayal, how to save a marriage or how to survive depression after your husband’s betrayal, how to cope with a separation with dignity.
We often find ourselves in this situation. And not everyone can get out of it with dignity. These simple tips can help you get your life back on track:
- Don't forget about pride. Don't ask, don't beg. If he left, let him go. Don't threaten, don't blackmail. Be above showdowns and scandals. Decide whether you want to continue the relationship and whether you are ready to forgive. And only after that proceed to other actions.
- Believe in yourself. Realize that this is only a new stage of life, and not a disaster. Accept the situation in your favor, think about what has changed for the better. Remember that all difficulties are given only to those who can survive them.
- Be honest with yourself. And the solution is not divorce, but to get rid of pain, resentment, despair, and negative emotions. Tune in to the fact that this is just a nightmare that will soon end. This will make it much easier to survive the current situation.
- Insist. You are the legal spouse. And you have every right to demand the termination of relations on the side. If the spouse agrees and also wants to preserve family ties, this is already good. Now we need to forgive. Without forgiveness, the relationship will fail. Consider yourself a winner in the struggle for family happiness.
- Transfer the main cares around the house, responsibilities, and everyday life onto the shoulders of the faithful. Discuss current affairs, financial expenses, take into account other opinions. Learn to hear each other.
- Learn to negotiate. All grievances and negativity are in the past. Now is the time for constructive dialogue. Discuss your problems, express your desires, dissatisfaction, complaints. Also hear his opinion, desires and complaints yourself. Be prepared to give in. Now it's time to change your life and relationships. And you should work together to strengthen the relationship.
Is it possible to translate one type of love into another?
Do loving men cheat, we figured it out, stories with living examples were also provided, the last question remains: “Is it possible to change your love or your husband’s, or rather the type?”, in fact, nothing is impossible. Let's go in order:
- Mania is not difficult to convert into Pragma using psychological techniques. It is necessary to create the effect of undeadness without a person, that is, complete or partial dependence, it will be necessary to put pressure on the strongest component - welfare;
- Ludus - it is almost impossible to do anything with this type, a good psychotherapist must intervene here, he will play a good role in implanting concepts such as value, family, marriage, love, etc. into the husband’s brain.
- Eros - more meetings, preferably without continuing sex scenes, will allow you to gradually get used to your partner and fall in love, if he is at least a little similar to the ideological preferences of the second. Mania may flare up, so you need to act carefully so as not to increase his pride.
We warn you! All people with these types of love are greedy for appearances, so you shouldn’t transform yourself too much, because you may not end up with paradoxical changes.
How to survive the betrayal of a loved one. Psychologist's advice
Cheating has managed to destroy many excellent relationships. When you know that you have been deceived by a loved one, it is very difficult for you to start trusting him again. Treason is not so easy to erase from memory.
But sometimes in life it happens that a partner realizes what a big mistake he made. And he punishes himself for this, begs for forgiveness. But that doesn't make it any easier for you. So, how to survive the betrayal of a loved one and is it worth restoring a relationship after betrayal? Is it possible to fall in love with a partner again after his action? Here are some tips that will help you if you decide to give your partner a second chance.
1. If possible, avoid the topic of betrayal. If you are just starting to restore a relationship, do not ask questions related to this matter. Your mental wounds have not yet had time to heal and a suppressed feeling of hatred and pain still lies in your heart. You can return to this topic later, when you have managed to regain lost trust.
2. Don't compare yourself to your lover. The reasons are the same as in the first one.
3. You need a distraction, so choose a time and go on a short tour with your partner. Going on a hike together will give you a new feeling and will to restore your relationship. This short trip will allow you to enjoy each other's company and strengthen your damaged relationship.
4. It is better to temporarily remove all traces of associations with romance. If your partner decides to make amends and rewards you with gifts, then it is better to sell or refuse them.
5. Choose to meet with friends or family. Tell them that you plan to repair the relationship. This will motivate you to take responsibility for your actions. And let your relatives understand that they must accept your partner again.
6. Love your partner truly and sincerely. If you decide to get back with him only because you have a moral responsibility, such as to a long marriage or children, then it is better to abandon this relationship. After all, you are making a big mistake again: false feelings will sooner or later lead to new conflicts and your partner will again seek solace in the arms of another.
7. Be sure to discuss all your doubts. Only the joint confrontation of all adversities and troubles will help you forget all grievances and start life anew.
Comments
Olivia You can send it, but if you live with him for more than 10 years and you also have children.
Then it’s very difficult... And you always think about the children first, and then about yourself. Galya But it’s not easier to send your husband to hell and start life from scratch.
Lilya You can survive it, but the wound on your heart will remain forever.
faith I have already experienced this. It’s hard, of course, but sometimes you’ll do anything for the sake of your family and your loved one.
Lyudmila There is a lot of psychological advice on this topic, but in fact no one can heal a torn soul...
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