Back in the nineties of the last century, doctors recognized the midlife crisis as a real psychological problem, and not a far-fetched phenomenon. This depressive emotional state appears against the backdrop of an overestimation of one’s own existence. Doctors associate it with the formation of new views on the world around us and the accumulation of life experience.
Due to unsuitable climatic conditions, terrible epidemics and constant wars, our ancestors had a very low life expectancy. Previously, representatives of the stronger sex lived much less compared to today's men. Accordingly, their crisis passed almost imperceptibly - they simply did not have time for it.
The duration of a midlife crisis for each man is a purely individual indicator. For some, it lasts from several weeks to several months, while others suffer from obsessive thoughts for many years. It all depends on the position a man occupies in society, his family well-being, career growth, and so on.
The notorious aphorism about a planted tree, a built house and a raised son becomes a real credo for the stronger sex. Having quickly reached the pinnacle of self-realization, he is unable to set new goals. This condition is often characteristic of many adolescents during their puberty.
Midlife crisis from a psychological point of view
Experts identify several stages of a male psychological crisis:
- At the age of 21-22 years. If during this period a man is already married, he begins to realize that family life is not a constant honeymoon, but a series of harsh everyday life and numerous joint trials. He does not idealize his wife as much as before.
- Five to seven years after marriage. Feelings for your significant other gradually dull, and the routine becomes unbearable. It is during this period, according to statistics, that most divorces occur.
- At the age of 30-37 years. There is a re-evaluation of the years lived and the peaks achieved, and a feeling of irretrievable loss of youth appears. It is not uncommon to think that the best half of life is far behind.
- At the age of 45-50 years (the “empty nest” crisis). It is during this period that matured children leave home and begin an independent existence. The man feels an unusual freedom from the responsibilities of raising and maintaining offspring. He feels “useless”.
- At the age of 60-65 years (old age crisis). The man begins to prepare to depart to another world.
In the life of every man there are 7 periods of psycho-emotional development: boy, teenager, youth, young man, mature, elderly and elderly. The transition from stage to stage always involves a revision of goals and values, as a result - a change in attitude towards life, and serious changes in behavior. At each stage you have to abandon old goals and set new ones. If this cannot be done, if a person does not understand what awaits him, does not study his psyche, a crisis ensues. You can understand that a man has entered a crisis stage by the following signs:
he stops spending time with his family; doubts that he has chosen the right partner and that he still loves her; begins to drink, indulge in depressive moods; immerses himself in work or hobby; shows interest in young girls, wants to get rid of the burden of his family and is heading towards treason. Some people fail to overcome the crisis and are delayed in the early stages of psycho-emotional development. A 40-year-old man with the goals and values of a teenager is a very common situation. These are usually called “infants.”
Women also go through certain periods of psycho-emotional development, but they are not so pronounced. Because of this, the fair sex does not understand why their partner suddenly begins to behave differently.
As a psychologist with more than 10 years of experience, I am convinced that most difficulties are not unique - almost everyone goes through them. And if you understand how the male psyche develops, then you can choose the optimal line of behavior. There is no need to perceive a crisis as a disaster - it is better to be prepared for it and have your own plan.
The duration of each period of a man’s psycho-emotional development is about 7 years. This is a relative guideline, because some people are decades ahead of their development: even a 25-year-old guy can be mature and accomplished. But more often than not, men still lag behind the conditional periodization and linger in the previous stages, as in the example about a 40-year-old with the mentality of a teenager.
“Re-Teenager” (18-25 years old) During evolution, a man was engaged in searching for new ways of survival, which required curiosity and a love of games, and a woman was engaged in maintaining the most effective of them. Therefore, men, in principle, are more characterized by such traits as, for example, experimentation - the desire to learn something new, curiosity. Even adult men love to play computer, gambling and other games.
The OverAdolescent is at the mercy of testosterone, which requires him to pass on genetic material. In other words, the main thing for him is sex. On the one hand, Over-Teenager wants to prove to everyone that he is already an adult and deserves recognition. On the other hand, he does not intend to bear responsibility.
Its main features are egocentrism, nonconformism, maximalism, emotional instability, imitation, high ambitions, desire for dominance, aggressiveness, weak abilities for empathy, desire for risk, desire to quickly achieve external goals (wealth, fame).
The OverAdolescent is not qualified to build and care for a strong family. If he marries at this age, divorce is almost inevitable in the next 3-5 years with a probability of 93%.
Careerist (26-32 years old) This is the period when maximalist plans to conquer the world are replaced by actions. At this time, a man strives to fulfill a “social order” (parental order): get a good job, earn normal money, climb the career ladder, find a woman, start a family and children. He comes to his senses because he is already a “big boy.” He wants to prove the same thing as Re-Adolescent: that he is already an adult. But he no longer dreams of wealth and fame, but acts to get what he wants.
Those who achieve their goals at this stage suddenly realize that many more potential partners have become available to them. They often leave their wives or girlfriends of the same age and switch to younger girls.
At the careerist stage, men trade T-shirts for sharp suits, sports pubs for prestigious restaurants. They buy apartments and cars, have children. They do not demand that society recognize their adulthood, but they themselves confidently declare to it: “I am already an adult.”
Such men are focused on external goals, their values are pragmatic, they are confident in their capabilities, they always consider themselves to be right and, as a result, they do not understand the inner world of women very well (and do not strive to do so). Therefore, they are also not sufficiently qualified to build long-term family relationships. However, those men who successfully cope with problems achieve self-realization and become good husbands and fathers. If you meet such a man, this is an ideal candidate for a spouse.
Those who fail to achieve success get stuck in the OverAdolescent stage and hide from problems. They can play computer games for hours and proclaim themselves adherents of nihilistic philosophy (Hare Krishnas, hippies). The world turned out to be too much for them, and they deny its values, declaring that they did not really want to conquer it.
But most men turn into “PokraineMerschikov” or “Some-Kakers”. They are content with little: a low salary, an apartment with a mortgage, an old Zhiguli car - and justify the collapse of their hopes by saying that this is a bad world.
The motto of this stage is “Plant a tree, build a house, raise a son.” Marriages concluded at this age most often last 10-15 years, until the onset of a midlife crisis. Although “out of habit” they can continue until the end of life.
“Crisis worker” (33-40 years old) Those who managed to fulfill the “social order”: built a career, started a family and children, bought an apartment and a car - suddenly feel deceived. They understand that a comfortable leather chair in the deputy director's office or the latest Mercedes model does not make them happy. They are tired of plowing like horses for years, but they only feel an inner emptiness. They don’t understand what the point was in this, and why continue it if it doesn’t bring happiness.
During this period, a man must understand that happiness is an internal category that comes, rather, not from achievements, but from relationships. He will have to change the object of his love from himself to the whole family. At this time, a reorientation occurs from external values to internal ones. A man begins to realize that caring for someone can be more pleasant than engaging in emotional self-gratification; that time spent with family matters more than time spent building a career. Working on such a change in values is a very difficult, unusual, painful task, extremely costly from the point of view of internal resources.
Many men cannot withstand such stress and run away from it. For example, alcohol: it doesn’t clarify the situation, but it helps not to think about it. Or into teenage entertainment for which there was no money before: extreme sports, yachts, motorcycles. Or in complete renunciation: “If I don’t see the meaning in life, then there is none. Therefore, I will give up everything and become a monk or an enlightened yogi.”
A considerable part of those in crisis begin to think that the reason for their failures is the wrong choice of their spouse. The conclusion suggests itself: quit this one and find the right one (most likely a younger one). If a man does exactly this, he again returns to the round of fulfilling the “social order”: a new wife, new children, a new apartment... And, of course, without a change in values, the result is the same.
I advised the 19-year-old wife of a wealthy German from Baden-Baden. He called him “Tireless Messerschmidt on the 4th turn” (his last name was Messerschmidt, which was also the name of the aircraft manufacturing company that produced aircraft during World War II). He went on the fourth round of fulfilling the “social order”: this was his fourth marriage, he was 82 years old, and by that time he already had 9 children.
Is it possible to build a strong family with a man who is at this stage - a rather difficult question. If he managed to move from egocentrism to polycentrism, to realize that the center of life is in relationships with loved ones, and not in himself, then perhaps yes.
Many do not overcome this crisis and die. Literally: from diseases of the cardiovascular system, car accidents, alcohol intoxication, accidents. And in a figurative sense: plunging into depression or self-destructive behavior (alcoholism, gambling addiction, endless watching TV while lying on the couch).
Therefore, by the age of forty, the ratio of surviving women to men changes dramatically in favor of the former. And if we count only those men who went through the crisis, then the situation will be even more stalemate. I always recommend that women seriously test a man to see if he has passed his midlife crisis before building a serious relationship with him.
Causes of the crisis in men: where do the legs come from?
The role of men in society has always been reduced to the responsibilities of the head of the family, breadwinner, and warrior. In difficult situations they showed remarkable strength, courage and amazing endurance. Up to a certain age, a man is ready to carry out more and more new achievements, but over time it seems to him that work has turned into a routine.
Perhaps in his youth he aspired to become an outstanding pilot, car racer or successful politician, but in the end he turned into an ordinary office clerk. The man is afraid that a new, young and promising specialist will be hired in his place. This leads to the first of the possible causes of a midlife crisis - dissatisfaction with the current career .
Another catalyst for psychological discord can be problems in your personal life . Expectations are disappointed. Instead of a beautiful young girl, a man sees next to him a plump lady who has long lost her attractiveness. He notices that his life partner does not cook well enough, does not raise children well, does not clean the house, forgets to take care of herself... Life together becomes ordinary and boring. Because of this, quarrels arise out of nowhere.
Even a faithful husband is capable of cheating on his wife, trying to prove that he is still capable of love adventures. Trying to assert himself, a man wants to find a young mistress. Confused in his own feelings, he destroys the family, which can lead to divorce. Sometimes everything happens exactly the opposite, when a man thinks that he no longer satisfies his chosen one. Against the background of such emotional experiences, an inferiority complex often develops.
Human psychology can be disrupted due to simple hormonal changes in the body. The biological clock projects thoughts of fading into the mind. Loss of erection, weight gain, loss of strength, decreased libido - all these health problems are physiological prerequisites for a midlife crisis. In this regard, it can be compared to menopause in women.
A man may complain of shortness of breath, headaches, aching joints, colitis and other ailments. The body presents a number of unpleasant surprises. Noticing them, a man can change his eating habits too dramatically and get too carried away by intense exercise. Sudden grueling workouts undermine already weakened health, which leads to disastrous and sometimes irreversible consequences.
How can you help your man?
From the outside, his crisis may look different. Some people go all out and go to bed with a bottle of whiskey, some suddenly, out of the blue, exchange a good job for a dubious startup, some take a mistress.
There is also a spiritual search of all stripes, a strong desire to change everything (it can start with you), dissatisfaction with oneself and the world, most often presented in the form of various claims and varying strengths of attempts to find someone to blame (you, by the way, are a convenient object for this).
What I mean is that a crisis is not always expressed as a loss of strength and depression. Sometimes a person going through his personal crisis, on the contrary, comes across as irritatingly active. And I understand that I don’t want to feel sorry for him at all, but I want to get away somewhere as quickly as possible.
Moreover, very often women consider this behavior of their partner solely in the context of their relationship and think that since something incomprehensible, complex, and unpleasant is happening to their partner, then this phenomenon most likely has two reasons:
- he stopped loving me;
– I’m doing something wrong.
And they urgently begin to improve the situation, as they understand it: they get a new hairstyle, intimate haircut, tattoo, buy sexy lingerie, learn to cook a new pie, go to fitness... They make superhuman efforts aimed at understanding what he really needs , and to “bring back love.”
Again, let’s say thank you to women’s trainings, where our naive sister is convinced that everything depends on her, including the mental state of her man. Allegedly, the better she looks, the more she pleases him, the better he will feel.
Sometimes it turns out funny. For example, you come out all like this, in a mini peignoir on your naked body, hug your loved one from behind and understand that he, my dear, is looking at his childhood photographs and is almost sobbing. Or he goes through the model airplanes in the box that neither you nor his mother got around to throwing away.
It’s hard to believe, but not all the good, just like not all the bad, in your man’s life is connected with you. More precisely, even this: good and bad are connected with you only to the extent that it corresponds to his actual life task. Sometimes you can hear something like this: “They met - and everything in his life changed. If it weren’t for his wife, he would have ended his life under the fence.” And if I were my wife, I wouldn’t be too proud. In fact, no person can influence another and improve his life. But if we need to survive, we choose someone with whom we can do it. If our task is to destroy ourselves, we will choose someone next to whom we want it even more.
– Try to be close to him. But don't get into your soul.
– Hug just like that, but don’t be offended if your tenderness doesn’t find a response.
– Ask what he wants, but don’t be surprised by strange answers.
– Talk about what you want yourself, and invite them to be your companions. Sometimes he will want to keep you company. And sometimes not. Accept it as it is. Never drag him among people “so that he will dispel.”
– If you want to help, ask directly what you can do for him. Now? Or later? Most likely, he will answer: “Thank you, nothing,” but he will know that you are with him and are ready to remain close to him in the future. When a man’s soul is uneasy, when he is sorting things out with himself, he probably doesn’t need anything else from you.
The main signs of a midlife crisis
- Nostalgia and isolation. It manifests itself most noticeably in men who previously led an active lifestyle and had a wide circle of acquaintances. They absolutely do not want to catch the eye of old acquaintances, so they try to hide all their experiences and problems.
- Dissatisfaction with appearance. After about thirty, men begin to look in front of the mirror for the first gray hairs and wrinkles. In addition, they are categorically not satisfied with the swollen outlines of the figure.
- Chronic fatigue and suspiciousness regarding health issues. Representatives of the stronger sex are extremely worried when they notice a decrease in the level of sexual activity. There are frequent attacks of hypochondria, when they compare the symptoms of various diseases with their physical sensations. The fear of death becomes excessive, hypertrophied.
- Irritability . In some cases, it may give way to sentimentality. For example, a man can be touched at the sight of a small child, and then suddenly flare up and start a scandal over almost a trifle.
- Dissatisfaction with career advancement and a feeling of professional exhaustion. It appears even in cases where wages are high. The man compares his successes with the achievements of his colleagues and peers. The situation gets worse if relatives also reproach the head of the family for not trying hard enough.
- Attacks of pessimistic mood. As a rule, men tend to take stock of their lives after forty years.
