Why do children tease each other? What to do if your child doesn’t want to go to school because of ridicule from classmates? Family psychologist Katerina Novitskaya answered these and other questions.
There are provocateurs in any team. In children's, this is usually a leader: someone who leads others, active, but not distinguished by good behavior. Often such children have an aggressive character; they feel not only their own strength, but also the weakness of another child, and therefore react to it with particular harshness. As a rule, other children join in the bullying for company, sometimes without even realizing why they are doing it.
The unluckiest people are those who stand out from the crowd: too thin or too fat, an unusual surname or a special name. Offensive nicknames and constant ridicule traumatize a child, especially if he is naturally vulnerable and shy.
Those in the danger zone are those who hear: “You won’t succeed!”
In such a situation, a huge responsibility falls primarily on the parents. Their communication with the child and the messages they give him determine how stable and strong he can be emotionally.
If parents say: “You won’t succeed!”, “You’re the same as always!” – the child develops self-doubt at a subconscious level. Children who grew up hearing these phrases often find themselves in the danger zone at school.
Parents, even before the child goes to school, should teach him to tell them how his day went. Ask how he is doing, who he is friends with, maybe someone is offending him. The child must understand that talking with parents is safe, that parents are always on his side and he can talk about his problems without fear.
Should you intervene or not if your child is being teased?
Many parents, upon learning that their child is being teased, immediately rush into action. They come to school, deal with offenders, and insult their parents. The teacher also gets it.
But it's not that simple. Psychologists, including author Doris Brett, believe that one should not act so directly. Such tactics can aggravate an unfavorable situation. The child may fall into yet another row of outcasts. “Sneakers” or “weaklings” are also not favored in the children’s group. But it is impossible to ignore such a situation. It is advisable to talk to the child, reassure him, and make him understand that this is not the end of the world, and the problem can be solved.
Prepare your child to be noticed
If the child has a special appearance, an unusual name, or the family does not have the funds to buy an expensive phone, parents should prepare the child in advance for the fact that other children will pay attention to him.
At school age, the situation is complicated by the fact that children look at who has the best phone, backpack or suit, and there is a social division into rich and poor. I believe that a child should face such a situation and experience it at school, and not at a university or at work. School years are the time when parents can and should explain that he is no worse and no better. It’s just that you can only afford one such phone, and your classmate can afford another.
Who gets called names most often at school?
If a victim of school bullying is asked why he was called names at school, he will most likely look for the reason in himself.
Non-standard height or weight, hair color, glasses, a “catchy” surname - the aggressor can make anything the basis for bullying. And the victim begins to think that he is really the reason.
This way of thinking only perpetuates the position of the victim, so it is important to explain to the child that this is not the case.
Ask your child: does he really think that someone’s appearance or physical qualities give him a reason to humiliate and insult this person?
Explain that the aggressor clings to someone who reacts emotionally to his bullying. This reaction is what he seeks with his name-calling. No reaction - no mockery.
Lyudmila Petranovskaya writes:
“It's like one evil game that children sometimes like to play. They will take someone’s hat or other thing and throw it to each other in a circle. And the poor guy rushes between them, tries to take it away, asks, gets angry, but always doesn’t have time. They throw the hat further, and everyone is very funny. Also, whose hat is it?
What can you recommend? Go to the basketball section and learn how to catch hats on the fly? So-so advice. Because it's not about whether he catches well or badly. The point is that he CATCHES. That is, he agrees to play a bad game.
After all, they are not actually playing with a hat. They play it. All the pleasure of the game is in his tears, anger, helpless jumps. And the more the victim tries to take the hat, the greater the pleasure of the offenders.
Therefore, the most reasonable thing in such a situation is NOT to PLAY. Turn around and leave. Even if the thing is very necessary. By the way, when the victim leaves, the offenders often immediately lose interest and throw the thing away, or even give it directly into their hands - after all, they don’t really need it.
If the item was valuable and was not returned to you, tell your parents about it - it was their money that was spent on the purchase, and they have the right to demand its return.”
What makes the victim return is her reaction.
Reaction is what keeps bullies coming back to the victim again and again. And the stronger the reaction, the better for the offender.
Typically, children use the methods they know to fight back: they start a fight, say bad words in response. Parents need to be explained that there are other ways to resolve the conflict. For example, not paying attention, laughing with everyone, or laughing it off. This is called “developing the skill of self-care”: the child himself determines whether he can help himself or whether he needs help from his parents.
There are cases when a child is offended by a teacher or the parents of a classmate. In this case, parents must take the situation into their own hands. But under no circumstances should you start a showdown, but simply talk to the offender.
Sometimes a child is boycotted. In such a situation, dad or mom should talk to the class teacher, find out what happened in order to understand how to proceed. In such a situation, it makes sense to go to a psychologist.
Childhood
What should parents do in this case? What should you do if your child is teased by classmates, if because of the ridicule he does not want to go to school? Psychologists advise parents not to interfere, at least openly, in their children’s conflict. Your intervention will not cause other children to treat your child differently. Classmates will not stop teasing, they will not understand that they are hurting someone. On the contrary, it is likely that the intercession of elders will finally turn classmates against your child. They won’t play with him on equal terms, they won’t accept him into their company - he’s a “sneak”, he couldn’t cope on his own, but he brought his parents. Thus, the desire to personally deal with the offenders or the demand that the teacher use her authority to “stop this bullying” will most likely lead to the isolation of the child among his peers. In addition, the baby will draw one more conclusion: he is not able to cope with difficulties on his own, he needs the help of adults. This will deprive him of self-esteem and self-confidence. And, paradoxically, it will prevent him from respecting his own parents. After all, the child turned to them for help, and their intervention only worsened his situation. How can you help your child who finds himself in such a difficult situation? Some parents advise their children to deal with offenders using the most effective methods. In most cases, such advice boils down to one thing: clarify the relationship directly, openly asking what does not suit the scoffers. Often these clarifications immediately turn into a fight, in which the one who is right does not always win. To be fair, it must be said that such tactics sometimes lead to positive results. Participation in a fight, even if the victory was not absolute, quite often helps the child to assert himself. But you shouldn’t get carried away with this. English psychologist Doris Brett, a practicing physician and an experienced specialist in child psychology, believes that one should not allow a child to become convinced that any problem can be solved with fists. On the contrary, it would be useful to show that it is possible to get out of the current situation with honor in other ways, and to let the child understand that he is quite capable of this. To do this, the child will need the help of his parents, who must convince him that it is not the one who is being teased who is in trouble, but the one who is doing it. The child should be made to understand that a completely happy and satisfied person with himself, his appearance, his character and a confident person will not pay attention to the shortcomings of others, even if these shortcomings are real. There is a completely effective way to deal with offenders: do not show how these “teasers” offend you, do not make it clear that you take them to heart. Dr. Brett suggests leading the conversation along something like this: “Are you complaining that Ira teases you all the time, and the other girls pick up on her words? I understand that this is terribly unpleasant. To the point where you want to cry. But tears won't solve the problem. Tell me, did you cry at school? It didn’t come to tears, but you were upset, and the girls saw it? So after that they immediately stopped teasing you? Have they started to treat you better? No, it was quite the opposite. So let's think about what we should do? Of course I can talk to them. But it seems to me that as soon as I leave and you are left alone, everything will start again. How do you think? Maybe we’ll do it differently: no matter how difficult it is, you’ll pretend that their words make you very funny. Yes, it's not easy. But think about what Ira and her friends are trying to achieve? Make you upset. And so far this has happened. And you try to do differently. Smile. Think about it, girls spend so much effort and time to make you sad. It's really funny and stupid. Why do you think Ira so wants to draw the attention of other guys to your shortcomings? She probably isn't very confident in herself, otherwise she wouldn't do this. If you laugh, you will show that all her words are just nonsense, and she is not acting very smart. And others will soon understand this. And they will also understand: if these words make you laugh, then all the “teasing” is not about you, and laughing at you will become completely uninteresting.”
As Dr. Brett notes, practice shows that convincing a child that such behavior is indeed a realistic way out of the situation can be difficult. And here, as always, a clear example will help. Tell your child how you or one of your friends or relatives found yourself in a similar situation at one time. The name of a famous actor, athlete or just a person you know who managed to cope with a similar situation thanks to such a simple but effective method will also make a great impression. It is necessary to try to convince the child that he needs to act on his own. “After all, mom and dad won’t always be by your side. This means you need to learn to defend yourself on your own.” As for the question of transferring a child who is teased by classmates to another school, it is impossible to give a definite answer. It all depends on the specific situation. The vast majority of psychologists advise trying to sort out the conflict that has arisen on the spot, regardless of whether you transfer the child to another school or leave it in the same one. Otherwise, a relapse of the same conflict situation may well arise in the new team. After all, the child simply ran away “from the battlefield.” And such a humiliating situation for him (he found himself a loser without even trying to win) will certainly make itself felt in a new place. The school may be different, but the parents transferred the burden of problems along with their son or daughter to this team. And if the situation in the new school repeats itself, the child, instead of defending his position, will again want to simply avoid further troubles and leave all the difficulties behind, shifting the burden onto the shoulders of the parents. Before your child goes to a new class, it is recommended to talk with him, analyze the reasons for the conflict that has arisen, and discuss together what needs to be done to prevent the recurrence of troubles in the new place. It often happens that the established reputation of a “crybaby”, “quiet”, “tough” does not allow a child to establish relationships with classmates, even if, on the advice of his parents, he changes his behavior. Changing behavior without preparation is extremely difficult even for an adult; old habits often take over, and this is par for the course. Explain to your child that this is quite natural, because he is not a robot. Let the child remain himself, but try to be more self-critical, monitor his behavior and not repeat previous mistakes. Author: Anna Ross
How not to react
Don't leave your child alone with your problem. I sincerely do not understand those parents who refuse to help their child. It's cruel. Everything will come back when the child grows up. The parent will feel bad, and the child can rightfully say to him: “You know, these are your problems, solve them yourself!”
There is no need to immediately run to school and sort things out. After such “showdowns” it only gets worse, and children, especially teenagers, for this reason do not want to tell their parents about their problems.
What is absolutely forbidden to do?
- Carry out lynching over offenders. No matter how much you would like to “smack the snot” of these hooligans, you cannot do this. Firstly, you will not solve the situation with this, and secondly, in this case you can be charged “under the article” (“there was no point in touching other people’s children”), and the offenders will have another reason to harass your child. We act strictly within the law!
- Encourage your child to respond to such actions. There is no need to teach your child to respond in kind. Even if we are talking about the use of force. Of course, it’s great when a child can stand up for himself, but you can’t teach him to “hit back.” Sometimes such answers become, quite by accident, the cause of disability and even death of the offender (unfortunately fell, etc.).
- Trying to “buy” the location of the offenders. Bribery is one of the most senseless, stupid decisions, which will ultimately lead to a backlash, and will leave the mark of a weakling, a sycophant and a “six” on the child for a long time.
- Ignore the child’s bullying and leave him alone to solve this problem (“he can handle it himself!”). Remember - he may not cope.
How do you know if your child is being bullied at school?
- He constantly looks for a reason not to go to school, feigns illness, lies that classes have been cancelled;
- Skips school using our 100% methods;
- After school he is angry, aggressive, upset or sad and threatens to give the freaks a bath in the school toilet;
- Runs away in the middle of lessons, coming up with different excuses
- Academic achievement and productivity drop sharply;
- The child returns home covered in dirt or with bruises; his notebooks, pencils, and brushes often disappear. It happens that the backpack is torn. At the same time, the child comes up with amazing excuses that he is hooked;
- The child complains that the teacher has bullied him.
