What are the “rules of good manners” in 2020? This is no longer a set of stuffy teachings, but a way of life. They open doors that would be closed to people of lower self-organization. They help you avoid becoming what polite society disgustingly calls an “asshole”—an outcast who despises everything that makes a person human.
The editors of Bow&Tie have collected rules of good manners for every day from the official recommendations of the London School of Etiquette (LSE). The selection will be useful to you personally, because you will encounter these situations today.
What are the benefits of following the rules of good manners?
The rules of good manners will teach you how not to become an asshole.
Do you want to know what else is useful for the rules of good manners? If you please. They teach a man to restrain himself and not follow his desires and instincts. There is nothing wrong with consciously following them. Sometimes it is the ability to listen to yourself that helps you achieve success in the modern world. But sometimes it happens that it is not a person who drinks cognac, but a person who drinks cognac. Do you feel the difference? There is nothing wrong with the desire to drink alcohol, but when the desire to drink alcohol subjugates a man, an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic.
The bad thing about this is not that another weak-willed person decided to dislike and unfollow from life. It’s bad that it won’t be limited to a weakness for alcohol. If one does not condemn his bad inclinations, a person will extend his reluctance to control himself to society, going beyond the bounds of decency and what is permitted, causing inconvenience to others. So another asshole appears. There are many examples, and alcohol is only one of them.
Here's the benefit of good manners - no one likes assholes. Having learned to restrain himself and not be led by his desires and instincts, a man makes the main victory in his life - over himself. And others always come after this victory.
Children's etiquette
As for children's etiquette, here you should also show remarkable attention and patience. It should be remembered that no matter how much you teach a child, he will still look at a clear example. Therefore, if parents tell a child that it is not good to be rude and insulting, and they themselves behave rudely to each other, then the child is unlikely to understand what he was told - he will do as he sees.
Children must be taught good manners, courtesy towards adults and respect for strangers. And it needs to be taught in a playful way so that the child does not lose the feeling of childhood.
Rules of good manners at meals
A categorical refusal of alcohol can cause discomfort in people who are not against drinking it.
This is relevant both in a restaurant and at a party.
Do not start eating until everyone at the table has been served.
In a restaurant, this recommendation must be followed to the letter. If you are visiting, you should wait until the hostess or host, who usually puts the dishes on the table, sits down themselves. You are allowed to start eating if the hosts or the person waiting for their portion at the table themselves ask you to do so. The reason for this assumption is that different dishes require different cooking times. While your neighbors at the table are waiting for their order, your dish may get cold.
There should be nothing unnecessary on the table
A telephone, keys, glasses and other household items may be present on the table. However, everything that is not related to the meal should be removed from the table when dishes begin to be placed on it.
It is not customary to pick up a mobile phone during a meal.
This applies to both sending messages and tracking time. One of the reasons why wristwatches will not go out of use. If you need to make a call, answer an important call, send or receive a message, don't do it at your desk. Apologize, notify your neighbors, and move to another room.
It is not customary to say “I don’t drink”, instead say “thanks, not today”
Absolutely abstaining from alcohol can cause discomfort in people who do not mind drinking it. By saying “I don’t drink,” you will set yourself apart from your neighbors at the table, and those who are especially sensitive may feel that you are exalting yourself and belittling them for their “vice.” And this is already perceived as an insult. If you use soft wording, giving up alcohol will be taken calmly. Everyone has the right to refuse a glass of wine this evening, and the reasons can be so different that it is not customary to focus on them.
Don't reach across the table
If the dish or glass is out of your arm's reach, ask your neighbors to pass it on. Before you put food on your plate, ask if your neighbors to your right and left would like it. If they answer yes, serve them first, then serve yourself.
Shared dishes are always passed counterclockwise
This applies, for example, to a salad, roast or side dish. Keep this in mind and comply. But don't call attention to it if your neighbors are not aware of the rule and have set the wrong direction. Embarrassing your dining neighbors is also bad manners.
In company at a banquet
Now let's talk about banquet etiquette. At such events, the host usually seats the guests, and it is customary to seat the women first and then the men. In a large company, ignorance of the rules of etiquette may well go unnoticed, and many may also be poorly versed in this area. The main thing is to observe the rules of decency - do not reach across the table for bread or a salt shaker, but politely ask your neighbor at the table to help. If they ask you for bread, do not take it with your hands, but hand the person a basket or plate of bread - let him take it himself. When passing the fork and knife, do not touch the part that comes into contact with the food.
Cookies, cakes and fruits can be taken with your hands, other dishes can be eaten with a spoon, fork and knife. The setting already tells you how to use cutlery and choose them correctly when changing dishes - first you need to take the items that are located at the very edge, and not near the plate. This way you will never go wrong! If you strive for perfection and want to understand how to properly dine in a restaurant, while understanding all the intricacies, you will be interested to know that in the soup the liquid component is first eaten, and only then vegetables, meat, fish or dumplings, using tableware devices. A piece of meat on a plate should not be cut into many pieces at once - it is better to slowly separate one piece at a time.
It is not customary to blow on the dish and gnaw the bones; it is better not to bite off the bread, but to break it off right on the plate. Cheese, sausage and rolls should be taken from a common plate only with a fork, and not with your hands, bread can be taken in the usual way, but the sauce should be scooped out of the gravy boat with a special spoon, without touching your utensils with it, and certainly not dipping bread into the sauce .
If you haven't finished your meal yet, place your fork and knife parallel to each other on your plate, because if you cross them, the waiter will think you're full and take away the leftovers.
Having learned to understand cutlery, mastered the alphabet of gestures for communicating with waiters and etiquette, you will feel more confident even in the most expensive establishments. At the same time, do not go to extremes and remember that man was not created for rules, but rules were created for man!
Rules of good manners for every day
Sadly, the times of chivalry are in the past.
They are relevant in everyday life.
Keep your word
Keeping your word means backing it up with deeds. No one respects a man who does not keep his word, because everyone knows the value of his words. A man who keeps his word is respected even by his opponents. They say respectfully about such people: “His word is flint.” If you give your word, keep it. If you suspect that you won’t be able to contain it, don’t give it.
Inform your interlocutor that the speakerphone is on
Firstly, this way you will not compromise or embarrass your interlocutor. Secondly, the interlocutor in this case will not say anything confidential addressed to you personally.
The door is opened by the one closest to it
Please note: according to the recommendations of the London School of Etiquette, a man is no longer obliged to open the door for a lady. This is justified not only by modern trends, but also by a completely logical fact - the time of women experiencing a feeling of helplessness because of fluffy dresses and overtightened corsets is in the past.
People leave the premises and the metro first, and enter second.
This means that you need to let people out first, and only then enter. If you are inside, they must let you out. Trying to go ahead in this case is bad form.
When meeting privately, introduce them by seniority; when meeting for business – by status
In practice it will look like this. When you introduce a girl to your parents, you will say: “Meet Sergey Sergeevich and Anna Ivanovna, my parents, and this is Olga, my girlfriend/future wife.” During a business acquaintance, it’s like this: “Meet, this is Sergey Sergeevich, chief engineer, and Anna Ivanovna, chief accountant, and this is Olga Mikhailovna, our new personnel specialist.
In hospitals and cultural institutions, put your phone on silent mode
It is allowed in hospitals, museums and theaters to set them on vibration if you are waiting for an extremely important call. To receive such a call, leave the room, hall or common room so as not to disturb others with conversation or an active telephone monitor.
Take off your sunglasses and headphones when talking
If your interlocutor is still wearing glasses, you also don’t have to take them off or, if you have already taken them off, put them on. It is also acceptable to remain wearing glasses if the situation requires it. For example, eye disease or dangerous sun exposure.
Be careful about your appearance
We are not talking about expensive clothes, but about a neat appearance. Shoes must be clean, clothes must be ironed. Don't neglect perfume, shaving and trips to the barber. A neat appearance is not only good manners, but also a form of politeness towards others.
The first caller calls back
If you initiated a conversation, but the connection is interrupted, you must call back. When you call first, always ask whether the other person is comfortable talking at the moment. If they call you, wait for them to call you back and make sure the line is not busy.
What is etiquette and why is it needed?
Many people wonder why this etiquette is needed? After all, his rules only complicate and confuse everything, and there is no difference in which fork you use to eat fish. But etiquette is not only the ability to select and use cutlery, as some believe. In fact, it is much broader - and includes the art of compliments, the ability to visit, select gifts for all occasions and many other simple but necessary skills for every well-mannered person.
Of course, the rules of etiquette can be neglected, since they are not prescribed at the legislative level. However, there is little point in this, because good manners exist to make life easier and better. And following etiquette, a person first of all protects himself from unpleasant and awkward situations. At the same time, those around you will certainly notice bad manners and bad manners - even if they don’t say it out loud. And the consequences of this can be very sad: for example, the company’s management will probably prefer to hire or promote a well-mannered person rather than a rude person.
A little history
The introduction of such a term as etiquette (from the French etiquette) in its current understanding - forms, manners of behavior, rules of courtesy and politeness accepted in a particular society, is attributed to the famous “Sun King” Louis XIV. Nevertheless, rules of behavior for certain events and situations existed in ancient times. For example, “Domostroy” - a monument of Russian literature of the 16th century - is considered the first known set of rules of conduct adopted in Rus'. Of course, etiquette changes over time: what was obligatory or generally accepted a hundred years ago often seems at least strange today. Etiquette evolves and adapts to each specific era.
Louis XIV
Different peoples have different concepts of good manners: it is clear that the etiquette of the Bushmen tribes will not be similar to that accepted in European countries. This is partly explained by the fact that the etiquette situations faced by representatives of different nations are far from the same. And the degree of development of countries differs: while the inhabitants of some eat with the help of several types of forks, others eat mainly with their hands.
However, in any society, etiquette makes it easy to use already established forms of politeness, accepted in different groups of people and at different social levels. Modern etiquette, accepted in developed countries, determines the behavior of people in everyday life, at work, on the street, in public places, at guests and at ceremonies, at receptions and at business negotiations.
Even if you don’t know the rules of etiquette by heart, such gaps can always be filled. In this book, we will look at what is considered good manners in various areas of life: this knowledge will help you gracefully resolve any, even very delicate, situation, not only without hurting anyone, but also coming out of it as a winner.
The most interesting thing is that observing etiquette, by and large, is not difficult - it is purely a matter of habit. If a person has it, he will not only be able to make a good impression in any situation, but will also make others feel comfortable in his company. After all, coming to meetings on time, receiving guests with all the rules of decency, and giving appropriate, tasteful gifts are ways to show how much you respect and value other people.
However, oddly enough, some people manage to use such a positive thing as etiquette as a weapon and a means of discrimination: having certain knowledge in terms of good manners, they reproach them for the lack of others. These lovers of moralizing turn into a kind of “etiquette police”: they constantly point out to others their failures in respect of the rules of decency, criticize them, or even mock them for inappropriate behavior or clothing. However, constant reproach for ignorance of manners is perhaps the worst violation of the rules of etiquette. He is called to make the world a better place - and a well-educated person should strive, whenever possible, to pass on his knowledge to those who were brought up worse.
Etiquette is, first of all, what in the modern understanding can be characterized as a good and friendly attitude towards others. One of its foundations is respect for ourselves and the people around us, regardless of their position in society. Etiquette most accurately characterizes the golden rule of morality: “Treat people the way you would like to be treated.” Common decency helps you develop and maintain respect for others while maintaining your own dignity.
I hope that this book will become your faithful assistant and guide to the diverse and fascinating world of etiquette rules, which, upon closer examination, are not nearly as complex and confusing as they seem at first glance. Armed with them, you will make your life and the lives of the people around you comfortable, and this, in turn, is a sure step towards success in all directions.
Author: A. Steinert
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Rules of good manners at work
If you feel unwell but must be at work, warn and protect your colleagues.
Relevant for office work.
Don't bring food with strong aroma to the office
If you eat in the office and bring food with you, make sure that it does not have any strong aroma. Notice the word "any". What may be a pleasant aroma for some may not be pleasant for others.
Don't send meaningless emails
These include messages containing one word (for example, thank you), a smiley face, or an emoji. They clog up their mail, and if there is a notification about new messages, for example, on the desktop, people have to be distracted to read them. Instead, write “thank you in advance” in your appeal letter.
Don't send work-related messages after hours
In 99% of cases, the question specified in the message can wait until business hours. In addition, the person may not see the message. And if things don’t wait, it’s better to call.
If you feel unwell but must be at work, warn and protect your colleagues
If the situation requires, wear a medical mask. Please inform in advance that it is better not to contact you personally on this day, but to use corporate mail or instant messengers.
Family etiquette rules
There must be family evenings, joint trips to the cinema, cafes, and exhibitions. The gallantry of men towards their spouse should not only be “ostentatious”, but also in personal communication. So, a man should always give his lady a coat, give compliments, pay attention to a new dress or underwear, give small gifts even for no reason, inform his wife about where he is going and when he will return. These elementary signs of attention make family life much brighter and more interesting.
A woman should also not lag behind her man. When choosing perfume, you should focus not only on your taste, but also on the taste of your husband, pamper the man more often with his favorite dishes, and do not interrupt him when he is telling something very important. And even though you’ve already heard it all, you shouldn’t reprimand him. If a man repeats himself, it means the topic is important to him and he wants you to listen to him.
You cannot criticize your husband or wife in the presence of children and strangers. Showdowns need to be hidden from prying eyes and ears. There is no need to manically control your husband - check his pockets, wallet, call him at work every minute. This degrades a man's dignity and he will think that you don't trust him.
If your partner doesn't like your social circle, make sure you meet your friends on neutral territory, and then not too often.
It is very important to contact each other. Everyone has cute nicknames: “bunny, cat, sunshine, etc.”, it’s nice. But in the presence of strangers, these appeals are at least strange. The person should be called by name only!
Women have this habit - when talking with friends or acquaintances, they call their husband husband, ignoring his name. This is bad manners, so you depersonalize a person by assigning him the civil status of “husband.” Yes, he is the husband, but he has a name that you must love if you love your husband.
How to receive guests or visit according to the rules of good manners
Don't come to visit empty-handed.
Relevant for 2020.
Don't allow guests to drive while intoxicated
The owners are responsible for the condition in which the guests leave their home. If one of the guests, for example, is drunk or has health problems, call him a taxi and insistently make sure that he does not drive the vehicle.
When you are invited to visit, and you want to take someone with you, immediately clarify whether it is possible
This will prevent many awkward situations. In addition, if you ask at the time of the invitation, the hosts will immediately have additional people in mind. If you call back and ask later, the hosts may have already calculated the meal and may not be ready to accept more guests.
Say “thank you” to the hosts the day after the event
No need to call. All you have to do is send a thank you message. If it was a formal evening or special event (such as a wedding), sending flowers, a paper thank you note, and chocolates is acceptable.
Don't come to visit empty-handed
In response to an invitation to visit, always ask if you would like to take something with you. Even if the hosts say that nothing is needed, bring, for example, flowers to the hostess and/or a bottle of alcohol to the host. If the owners have children, bring something for them too. Just check in advance whether sweets are allowed. If not, bring trinkets.
Notify me if you are late
It is permissible to be late for a visit no more than 15 minutes. As a rule, the owners will just complete all the preparations. If you are more than 15 minutes late, notify the hosts, apologize and let them know your estimated time of arrival.
The first argument: you can’t figure out these rules!
When we get acquainted with the rules of etiquette in different publications or at different courses, we very soon begin to notice that they differ in some details. Many etiquette teachers in Russia attribute this difference, as well as gaps in our knowledge, to the fact that there was no etiquette in the USSR, or we were taught incorrectly, or the wrong thing.
I would argue with this.
Etiquette has always existed in all countries, and ours is no exception. And they taught us correctly, and what we needed. In other countries it’s exactly the same: but here at home... but in our province... The only thing that not everyone takes into account is that the rules of etiquette are not the rules of mathematics, where two and two will always be four. The rules of etiquette change in parallel with the changes in our lives.
Agree, it would be strange today to observe medieval etiquette and eat at the table with a dagger. But once it was so, and at one time it was correct, and today it is considered part of history.
Nicolas Tournier, “Merry Company”, first quarter of the 17th century Source: artchive.ru
Etiquette is the ability to adapt to a changing situation. It develops and changes, like any science. Basic knowledge forms the basis on which everything else is then strung. It sounds trite, but when you know how to handle a knife and fork, it doesn’t matter to you how many there are on your table - three or thirty.
Final word
Rules of good manners are a way of life.
Some rules of good manners are applied only in certain circumstances, some - in certain companies. But a man will constantly feel the benefits from them - at work, at a party, in idle aspects of life. The examples above show that the rules of good manners help make life easier and more enjoyable not only for the man himself, but also for everyone around him.
Neglecting the rules of good, on the contrary, can bring a portion of disappointments into life. Any of us can remember 5-6 media figures who broadcast from state television channels and receive awards and bonuses. At the same time, few people love them and almost no one respects them. But all of them are far from stupid people, wealthy and in positions of power. Just assholes.
