A serious illness (for example, cancer) is a huge challenge for both the patient and his loved ones. How to properly support a person and help him get out of a critical situation?
Our expert is a clinical psychologist, a member of the International Society of Oncopsychologists and the International Association of Psychiatrists, the Multinational Association of Professionals Helping Cancer Patients, and the European Association of Clinical Communications, a specialist in the register of the British and American Psychological Associations Evgenia Ananyeva .
If you ask people who have survived cancer or another long-term dangerous illness whether their social circle has changed since they became ill, the answer will most often be “yes, it has narrowed significantly.” No, we are not talking about blatant cases when patients are abandoned by their other halves and betrayed by friends, although this, alas, does happen. But, as a rule, the circle of friends thins out because those around them do not know how to properly provide support without harming or offending. An oncologist can teach you all this.
Shock, denial and beyond
A person who has received difficult news (in particular, a diagnosis of cancer) experiences 6 stages. In psychology they are well known: shock, denial, bargaining, anger, depression and, finally, acceptance. However, these stages do not always go in order; sometimes they alternate, mix, and repeat again and again. Sometimes the stages replace each other quickly, and sometimes a person lingers on one or another for a long time. The task of an oncology psychologist is to help the patient overcome all these stages as quickly and easily as possible in order to reach acceptance and awareness of the diagnosis. Then the treatment will be more productive.
But it turns out that not only the patients themselves, but also their loved ones go through the same stages of experiencing grief. And it is important that on this path they do not lag behind the patient himself (and do not rush him). Because if a person has already accepted his diagnosis and is ready to fight, and his relative is stuck at the stage of anger or bargaining and pulls his loved one either to sorcerers and healers, or to fortune-tellers, or to a temple, such support will only do harm.
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A carbon copy?
First, I want to reassure you - according to recent studies, most malignant neoplasms are not hereditary forms.
News on the topic Scientists have warned tall people about the increased risk of developing cancer However, it is still possible to identify those types of cancer that can recur in both mother and daughter, or in sisters, brothers, etc. These include: cancer mammary gland, breast, ovaries, stomach and colon cancer. Melanoma and acute leukemia can also occur within the same family. Among the “familial” ones, but at the same time less common, are also neuroblastoma in children, tumors of the endocrine glands and kidney cancer. It is worth understanding that it is not the tumor itself that is genetically transmitted, but only the predisposition to its development.
Hereditary oncology, judging by a number of observations, most often manifests itself in people aged 25 to 40 years.
Please note that in terms of inheritance, the degree of relationship with a cancer patient is not so important as the number of such cases in the family, as well as constitutional coincidences. Let me explain, doctors have a term - “biological constitution”. It is understood as a whole complex of innate morphological, psychological and functional characteristics of a person - from the color of eyes, hair and skin, physique and to... a person’s reaction to external and internal stimuli and influences. The constitution may be similar in a number of parameters for several family members, which means that cancer, unfortunately, can manifest itself in the same area. Simply put, if relatives are very similar to each other, then there is a risk that they have inherited not only dimples on their cheeks or the habit of wrinkling their foreheads in a special way, but also diseases.
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Fighting a serious illness is a long journey. Along this path, the patient’s loved ones can make a lot of mistakes. Here are the most common ones.
Mistake No. 1. Being offended . A person who is seriously ill may behave inappropriately. And not just a day or two, but perhaps quite a long time. Medicines, stress, fear, “side effects” from toxic “chemicals” can cause depression in the patient, from which he will sometimes fall into apathy, and sometimes into aggression (both in words and even in actions). Those close to you need to get into the situation and try not to be offended. But this does not mean that the diagnosis allows a person to behave as they please. Gently but intelligibly, those around him should indicate to the patient that he is crossing boundaries in his behavior.
Mistake No. 2. Decide everything for the patient . Sometimes relatives not only make all treatment decisions for the patient themselves, but even hide the diagnosis from him. This is completely wrong! On the contrary, it is necessary to maintain in him a sense of self-confidence and control over his life. A person must understand that he and his opinion are taken into account, that he is important, that he is still alive, finally! You need to help him stay active: ask his advice, opinion on some issue, talk about those topics that previously inspired him: for example, about his hobbies, interests. There is no need to specifically amuse and entertain the patient, but you need to encourage him to speak out himself, motivate him to set topics for conversation.
Mistake No. 3. Hushing up problems . It is difficult and scary to speak openly about difficult topics that often arise during treatment, but they cannot be avoided, since it is critical for the patient to be heard and understood. Therefore, in case of such difficulties, it is better to contact an oncological psychologist in order to remove your own fears and thereby help your loved one.
Mistake #4: Giving medical advice about treatments, diet, etc. Just don't mind your own business.
Mistake No. 5. Imposing your thoughts and emotions on the sick person . Another person has the right to his attitude towards everything that concerns him. It is enough to simply tell him your position on a specific issue, but there is no need to convince him. And get angry too.
Mistake No. 6. Giving all your strength, forgetting about yourself . You need to understand that cancer is not a quick story, so it’s better to tune in to a marathon rather than a hundred meters. You will have to reconfigure your own life in order to be able to help long-term and to the required extent. To maintain strength, you need to be attentive to your own needs. It is very difficult to help when you yourself are not completely fine! Just like on an airplane, remember: first put the oxygen mask on yourself, then on the child.
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Complex actions
You can help your friend or girlfriend create an action plan to overcome an unpleasant illness and stick to it.
Faith and Motivation
a) believe in recovery;
b) constantly motivate the patient for a successful treatment outcome.
Get treatment
Do not deny traditional medicine, do not let the disease take its course, because this is not some kind of runny nose, therapy, and sometimes surgery, are simply necessary.
Many patients, along with traditional medicine, were often saved by all kinds of natural remedies. All kinds of herbs, tinctures, decoctions, bee products and even live crayfish are used. It’s just worth approaching traditional treatment with great responsibility, because health is at stake. Try to get the necessary information together.
Forgive
If everything is clear on the first two points, then the third needs clarification. The thing is that any disease is a consequence of some events. If you delve deeper into the problem, you can find the conclusions of psychologists that, for example, tumors appear because of grievances, our very deep grievances. You can be offended either at a specific person or at your own bitter fate. Also, experts on human souls say that you should not “cling on” to the past, you need to let it go in order to heal.
When helping a loved one cope with cancer, you can tell him to not only try his best, but to forgive his offenders with all his heart. Resentments “hang” like heavy weights on a person, bringing him severe pain.
Go to church
When you study the stories of those who have recovered, you very often come across stories that the disease subsided after the patient began to visit churches and monasteries. In many large cities there are especially revered miraculous icons; by venerating them, people received the long-awaited healing and then wrote to the rectors of the temples about their happiness in the final victory over the illness.
Affirmations
Together you can create positive attitudes (Affirmations), which the patient must repeat ad infinitum (until he recovers).
Wonderful stories
Collect more stories of victory over oncology from friends and around the world, constantly tell a loved one about all this, and even better, introduce them to a recovered patient.
Trying to find more cases of recovery on the Internet, especially from the most severe stages of cancer, it is worth understanding that not every recovered person or his relative will trumpet this to the whole world. Why? Yes, in order to simply “not jinx it,” so while you’re navigating virtual spaces, you need to sometimes remember this.
Laughter
Watch comedies. Laughter heals, so it’s worth downloading all the best comedies that you can find on the Internet and letting someone who is sick watch it. Or better yet, watch the movie together and have a good laugh at the funny moments. It has long been proven that positive emotions can cure anything!
The goal is the future
The past has no meaning, there is no point in looking into it and making the patient sad. Instead, talk about the future, make plans, help you dream. It is better to conduct all conversations in the vein of “when you recover, then...”, “after recovery...”, “imagine how your life will change for the better after recovery, because you will appreciate every moment of a healthy life...” and other phrases based on these moods.
When you express your thoughts in this way, the corresponding “pictures” begin to emerge in the subconscious and simply come true, which is why it is so important not to allow negative thoughts into your head even for a second.
Get down to business
The course of the disease varies; some patients can continue to work in their usual position, combining work with treatment. Being busy with something is very good, it involuntarily distracts you from heavy thoughts, fears and thoughts.
If treatment and work cannot be combined in any way, for example, due to poor health, a faithful friend can help keep the patient busy. Fortunately, we now live in an age of information abundance. Invite the patient to gain some new knowledge via the Internet, maybe register on a thematic forum, or even master an Internet profession, or learn the Italian language by constantly listening to audio lessons. Any new hobby, knowledge, change of activity can help a person get back on his feet and overcome the disease.
Ask for help
Here is another effective way that helps patients feel the strength to move mountains. All you need to do is pretend to be weak and really ask for advice or help in something from an unhealthy friend. When a person realizes that he, being sick, can help someone, this greatly inspires him and gives him energy to fight.
Summary of the article:
- Translate your loved one's gaze to a miracle, to healing.
- Smile at the patient.
- Show attention, text more often and support your friend in this difficult moment. In grief, the hardest thing is to realize that no one needs you. Support is one of the greatest things you can think of, and more often than not it is moral support.
- Tell the cancer patient how to work on the psychological reasons that could cause the disease.
- Look for and tell stories that ended in complete recovery.
- Turn to religion.
- Try to cheer up, make you smile.
- Help to believe in a happy future, repeat about it.
- Keep a person busy with something.
Fighting cancer requires no little effort and time, but if there is a person nearby who is ready to help, support, and share fears and concerns, then things will go faster. Help each other, and then the world will be more beautiful.
Vain words
Many loved ones of sick people simply do not know how exactly to support them so as not to make things worse. Therefore, it is sometimes easier for them to withdraw themselves. By the way, this is exactly how you shouldn’t “support”. It is forbidden:
Blame . For example, say: “Yeah, I didn’t go to the examinations on time, but I told you that I should have” or “Well, I finished smoking, and I warned you.” Even if the accusations are true, they are useless now.
Speak empty words . Among these: “Hold on,” “Everything will be fine,” “I know you can handle it.” Instead, it is better to say: “I will be there, I will help you.”
Devalue experiences . You can’t say: “Yes, this is all nonsense,” “It can be worse.” For a person with a serious diagnosis, nothing could be worse.
Compare . You should not say: “I understand you,” “I know how you feel.” Anyone who has not experienced this cannot feel the same. For exactly the same reason, you should not cite the stories of acquaintances as examples - they relate not to him, but to others and will not help him in any way.
Say : “If anything happens, please contact me.” Many people find it difficult to ask for things, even when they really need them, so it's best to be specific. For example, you can offer a person to go to the store for him and buy his favorite cakes, or to take him for a walk with his child or dog, or offer to clean the apartment. Often, to provide true support, it is enough to simply be physically there, even silently. Just go to the doctor together, watch a movie, take a walk.
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Don't destroy yourself
To control their own stress, relatives and friends of the patient should try:
- think positively, remain calm, stable;
- If possible, continue to do those things that bring joy and pleasure, do not give up your hobby;
- learn to relax (with the help of meditation, yoga, qigong/tai chi);
- do physical exercise - it will help cope with stress;
- eat a balanced and regular diet;
- get enough sleep
- and rest;
- give up alcohol;
- if necessary, consult a psychologist;
- communicate in person and online with those who also have seriously ill loved ones.
