The guy gives an ultimatum, what to do? Ultimatums in relationships.

If you give an ultimatum to your beloved man in a relationship

How often do you give your loved one an ultimatum, thereby manipulating his feelings towards you? What exactly is the ultimatum for you? A means to achieve your own goal or an opportunity to improve relationships?

How often do you give an ultimatum to the man you love? If you constantly threaten to leave your man, he will either begin to perceive this information as empty words, or he will decide to teach you a lesson and leave on his own. If you do not want to end the relationship, make a request, not an ultimatum. Remember that a man may have counter conditions to any of your ultimatums.

Let's figure out what you cannot demand from your beloved man, and what such decisions can lead to.

What is this

A form of relationship in which both partners constantly issue ultimatums to each other has become the norm in the modern world. The most common threat is “I will leave you if...” and this “if” can seem to absolutely everyone. For example:

“... if you communicate with friends”;
“... if you come home late”;
“... if we do not submit an application to the registry office”;
“... if you don’t stop going fishing/hunting/to the bathhouse”;
“...if you don’t lose weight”;
“... if your mother interferes in our relationship.”

There can be many examples, and most often a man finds himself at a crossroads - how sincere is your threat? He has to choose between you and his hobbies, friends or his usual way of life.

Another example is a blackmail-ultimatum. For example:

“If you do this, then I will do this too” - “If you stay late after work, I won’t cook dinner” or “If you don’t quit smoking, you’ll sleep in another room.”

Or vice versa:

“If you don’t do this, then I won’t do that” - “If you don’t help me with cleaning, then I will stop ironing your shirts” or “If you don’t walk the dog, then I will stop changing the litter box at the cat"

Ultimately, men are divided into two types:

Some fulfill your conditions.
Others ignore them.

Remember that your man begins to feel driven if he understands that you manage to constantly find ultimatums. But if you constantly repeat the same thing, but do not carry out your threats, the man begins to act the same way in response, or simply does not pay attention to new ultimatums.

There are also cases when a man agrees to the threat of your leaving, and if now you insist on restoring the relationship, he begins to set his own conditions for this.

Some ultimatum statements can easily be called feminine tricks, which we resort to almost every day.

What are the dangers of an ultimatum?

We gave an example of threats above, but now decide for yourself - how serious are your ultimatums? Are you actually going to leave/do something on your own/not do something, or are you just being intimidating?

Remember that it is better to immediately put forward counter conditions (Example: “Let you not smoke in the apartment, and in return I will bake you your favorite pancakes”), rather than later look for ways to make peace with your husband.

An ultimatum is justified if you know about your husband’s infidelity or his addiction to alcohol (in this case, we recommend reading the article “My husband drinks and how to deal with it”). But in any case, try to talk with your husband first, find out what he lacks in the relationship, or how to help him in this situation.

If the husband does not pay attention, then it would be stupid to threaten him with breaking off the relationship, because they are already on the brink. And in this case, your spouse may grab onto these words as a lifeline, and you will have to break up, because threats are the last thing in a relationship.

What is the danger of these and other threats and what can this lead to?

Any threats or ultimatums can be dangerous for the relationship between two loving people.

For example, you simply scared a man that you would do something, but he takes it quite seriously, and therefore did everything the way he wanted, not paying attention to your request.

Or you are determined - you will leave if he doesn’t quit or does something, but the man perceives this as ordinary threats and is not at all going to follow your lead.

As a result, you break up or start a conflict, after which it is very difficult to restore the previous trust and mutual understanding.

In any case, try not to give your loved one an ultimatum, and if you do, then only those threats that you really intend to carry out. Also clearly formulate your threat requests and limit their implementation in terms of time. Think about the risk you personally expose yourself and your relationships to with this or that ultimatum.

If a man does not want to give up his bad habits (alcohol and drugs), his mistress, or only listens to his mother, think about whether this is your man, and why do you need such a relationship? Maybe you should stop them and not torture yourself and your man? Put everything in its place and make the only right decision that will guide you when issuing an ultimatum.

Quit or give an ultimatum - two ways out of a love triangle

No one wants to get into a love triangle, but once they do, they try to get out. Practicing psychologist Lyudmila KLOCHKO advises how to act correctly if you find yourself a hostage or the initiator of such circumstances.

— A husband, a wife and a lover or mistress usually find themselves in such a piquant situation.
In any case, two of the participants are most often in a more formal relationship, and someone else is on the side. Psychological roles are distributed according to a simple principle: aggressor, also known as a tyrant, victim and rescuer. Sometimes it is difficult to understand who is who because the participants often change places. Take, for example, the “husband - wife - mistress” scheme. He is a victim, a “poor thing,” his wife is a tyrant or an aggressor who yells at him, doesn’t understand, demands something. And the mistress, it turns out, is a savior who appreciated the subtle spiritual organization of a man and rushed to the rescue in order to brighten up the leisure time of his difficult life. Then circumstances may change a little, and the victim will be a mistress pouring out pain: they say, she spent the best years of her life on her chosen one. He, accordingly, is already the aggressor, and his wife is the savior for him. And as soon as she saves her, she herself switches to the role of the victim and complains about the betrayal. Who is who doesn’t even make much sense, because the main thing is to understand that none of these roles are productive. If you caught yourself thinking that you were a victim, a tyrant or a savior, you need to get out of this unhealthy relationship, because a healthy triangle practically does not exist. But this can be difficult to do for various reasons. Firstly, because each participant shifts the responsibility of decision making to someone else. For example, a wife tells her husband that he should decide with whom she will stay. She doesn’t say that she’s not happy with it and will leave on her own. The mistress does the same when she announces that she is waiting for a marriage proposal. A man also does not make a categorical decision, and there are always a thousand and one reasons for this. In fact, each participant in the triangle can leave it at any time or issue an ultimatum. For example, in the next two months we get married or our relationship ends. But there is a high probability that everything will really end. Most likely, the man is not going to leave his wife, otherwise he would have done it a long time ago. But the main rule: if you set or accept an ultimatum, you must be ready to fulfill all its conditions. Otherwise, the participants in the triangle will understand that they can negotiate and demand as much as they want and not fulfill them just as successfully. And if you are ready to continue the relationship in this form, then you agree to it.

In a psychologist’s office, this problem is perhaps one of the most common. And it will take a long time to deal with it, but not longer than to continue to remain in this story. The ending largely depends on the person himself and his will. There are many reasons why people don't want to leave a three-way relationship. The excuse of a hostage situation can be the banal “I won’t find anyone else” or the notorious housing problem. But the advice of any psychologist will be extremely clear - stop any triangles in their embryonic phase, do not enter into them or immediately leave, because over time it becomes more difficult to resolve the problem.

There are people who like to build such relationships, and this happens for several reasons. If you find yourself in a love triangle more than once, you need to analyze the situation, otherwise it can be repeated for life. But the question - who feels worst or most comfortable in this geometric figure - is open. Usually it’s good for those who have the same expectations and results. That is, relatively speaking, if the mistress does not need the man to leave his wife, and he is not going to do this, she feels comfortable. If a husband is satisfied with a relationship with two women, or a wife with two men, and she is not going to exchange the flaw for soap, then these are the problems of those who agree to this.

It is often customary to blame mistresses for the triangle more than lovers, but in fact the amount of their suffering and the severity of their share is terrible, because a person has sincerely been in his delusions for years and believes his other half, who feeds him with promises. It is not always necessary to solve a problem with a participant in the triangle; sometimes it is enough to sort it out alone. There is a good method for this - to look at what has happened over the past years, this is perspective. Should we believe that the long-term feeding of promises will change in the near future? It’s better to avoid spicy stories altogether, and if you’re chronically looking for a soul mate, this says a lot, because healthy people live well in a couple.

Ultimatums in relationships

How often in family relationships many couples try to solve their problems by issuing ultimatums to each other. Contrary to popular belief, not only women, but also men are guilty of moral blackmail. Let's discuss what you can demand from your loved one, and what it is better to remain silent about.

The main taboos! What you should never demand, no matter how much you might want it:

If you don't get rid of your cat, dog, turtle, etc., then we will have to break up!

They will part with you immediately and with great pleasure. I assure you, love for a pet, who has been with you for many years, through thick and thin, is no less than love for a person! And note, they will never demand that the owner make a choice in their favor!

Either tomorrow we submit an application to the registry office, or we break up!

So, what did you achieve by posing the question this way? People are different, some take this issue lightly, others need time to make a decision. Think for yourself, are you really ready to part with this person? What if he takes it and agrees?

You're fat, if you don't lose weight, I'll leave you!

Just a terrible ultimatum, degrading human dignity! I went through this myself. My ex-husband once told me this when I recovered after giving birth. My husband, though now an ex, and by the way, he’s fat, and I’m thin! More than 30 years have passed, and I still cannot forgive him for these words!

It's either me or your mom! Well, of course, mom! Who are you? You can be replaced. There can be as many husbands and wives in our lives as we like! And mom is always alone! Just try to please her and make friends. Believe me, it’s not difficult, she doesn’t need much - just a drop of respect and attention! And then you will gain in her an assistant and ally in your family affairs.

Choose: me or your fishing (football, figure skating, knitting). Why should someone sacrifice their hobby for you? Maybe somehow we can give in to each other? Today we went fishing together, tomorrow we went to the ballet!

Remember that someday, perhaps not immediately, your partner may easily agree to your proposal. Without any jokes, he will pack his things and leave. Think carefully, are you ready for such a turn of events? If you are not ready to break up with your loved one, never threaten to break up!

When you can't do without ultimatums

There are situations in the family that are so serious that you simply cannot do without ultimatums. The use of an ultimatum is absolutely justified if your spouse is extremely partial to alcohol or drugs, there is nothing you can do about it: the happiness of the whole family is at stake.

If in this situation the choice is not made in your favor, then you need to take this decision for granted. This relationship is just not for you.

Ultimatums that are aimed at developing harmony in relationships can be called useful. Let's look at the most basic ones:

If you don’t give me 30 minutes to get myself in order, then you can go to the concert alone. It would seem that the young man wanted to give you a surprise. I bought tickets, for example, to the theater. But at the same time he announced this at the last moment. Of course, you need to explain to him that you need time to get ready. And ask me to warn you in advance next time;
ok, I'll do something else while you look at your smartphone. And we will leave the solution to an issue that is important for both of us for later. Your loved one can't even take his eyes off the phone and simply doesn't hear when you try to discuss something important to both of you. You need to be heard and understand that such inattention simply offends you;
If you tease me like that, we'll quarrel. I do not like it! Perhaps you weren't meant to be offended or offended, but you don't like being teased. Why endure and cringe every time you hear the words. We can simply discuss this issue;
you will have to choose: either you are with me or with her! I hate it when you text your ex-girlfriend in front of me. I doubt that anyone will like this at all. Even if the choice is not in your favor, it is better to end such a relationship.

So, if in your situation you still need to issue an ultimatum, then remember the following rules:

decide for yourself what you want for yourself and determine acceptable deadlines;
think about whether you have used all possible solutions to the problem;
never use threats that you don’t even intend to carry out.

And in conclusion, I would like to say that the ultimatums put forward can follow the path of least resistance, not at all as we would like. Consider in advance whether you are ready for such an outcome. And try to expose them only as a last resort. Do not under any circumstances attack the human dignity of your partner.