Relationships are a special thing . Being part of them, having become accustomed to them, people often cannot find the strength within themselves to refuse, to end them, even if the time, it would seem, has long come. The question of whether it is worth milking a dead cow - that is, hoping for something in a relationship that does not seem promising in the future - arises before almost every second person. A final decision on this issue should be made only after all the pros and cons have been weighed, which is why they need to be discussed.
Relationships are interdependent things . People are capable of going to great lengths if they are afraid of losing a loved one: many endure beatings and humiliation, just so as not to be left alone. Some - mainly “folk” matchmakers and advisers - believe that romantic interaction and family are definitely worth any adversity and obstacles . Like, he will endure it, fall in love, settle down. At the same time, modern psychologists and coaches unanimously insist that in any relationship there is a line beyond which there is nothing, after which you just need to move on and not look back - look only forward. Who is right is an open question, and it is worth talking about this topic in more detail.
Pros of continuing a relationship without a future
- Saving status . A deep relationship with a person is an indicator of status in today’s society, no matter how you look at it. No matter what people say, they still hand out the label of “loner” quite willingly. And even though loneliness in itself is not shameful, it can hardly be explained to the narrow-minded. Therefore, it is not surprising that many people stay in unprofitable and unhealthy relationships, because “what will people say.”
- Maintaining financial stability . This option seems viable not so much for young girls as for married women, and especially those with children. Still, few people will hire a woman with two children just like that - and the point is not only discrimination, but also the fact that she will most likely ask for time off more often and go on sick leave to care for the children. Therefore, having a man nearby as a guarantor of stability is for many a critical factor, for the sake of which it is worth enduring a failed relationship.
- Matter of habit . Even if the feelings have faded, being close to someone you used to love can still be extremely pleasant and comfortable. Few people will refuse the obvious advantages, which is why many continue the relationship, no longer remaining lovers, but friends “with benefits.”
- Common child . Not so much a plus as an argument: after all, a common child is a sufficient reason to stay with a person, even if there is no future with him. After all, at least the child should have a future.
- The likelihood of a “second wind” . It is common for every person to hope for the best, and people who have come to a “dead end” in living together are no exception. Of course, a miracle rarely happens, but it still happens - in one case out of five, ten, hundreds, unpromising relationships still manage to get a second wind and flare up with renewed vigor. In the end, stories about how “the guy left for his ex” come from somewhere.
Psychologists say that a relationship without a future has the following signs:
If communication with your life partner does not inspire, does not inspire, does not excite, but leaves you completely indifferent, most likely, love has already died. Or it didn’t exist at all.
"The bottom line is, if this woman is enjoying the relationship and it's improving her life, still stay together as long as both people in the relationship feel happy and fulfilled," says Andrea Sirtash, relationship expert and author of It's OK to Sleep With Him on the first date: and every other dating rule debunked. Relationships that are fun, fulfilling and mutually respectful are not a waste of time as far as I'm concerned. Even if you know you don't have any long-term interest in anything, it's a lot of fun to have companionship and a partner to get you through school.
A sure sign of a relationship that it’s time to start is constant bickering out of nowhere. Quarrels in such cases are started for the sake of quarrels and have no other goals. Partners want to prick each other more painfully and at any cost prove that they are right, accusing the opposite side of all sins.
If one of the parties tries to completely take control of the other by checking phone call or browser logs, SMS messages, etc., prohibiting meeting with friends and limiting personal space in every possible way, this is not jealousy. This is the absence of love. And, therefore, prospects.
You will learn about yourself
To continue with the cliché, college isn't just about having fun;
it is also about understanding who you are. One of the best things about being in a relationship that you don't necessarily see in the future is that you learn about yourself and what you want in a significant other. Part of learning about yourself often includes sexual exploration, which is one of the biggest benefits of a short-term partnership. “Women are empowered to explore sex and their sexuality in a fun and safe relationship,” says Neely Steinberg, professional dating coach. Why would you want to skip this if everything is running smoothly?
Constant emotional fluctuations are a bad sign. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s sad; Sometimes laughter chokes, sometimes tears flow from the eyes. There can be no talk of harmony in such relationships.
Separate rest. The more often spouses choose to spend their leisure time not together, the closer the end of their union is.
The lack of common topics, activities and plans for the future is perhaps the most alarming bell. Such relationships are already virtually dead.
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If you keep your relationships light, it can allow you to make more of your own thing, and this is another great way to discover who you want to be.
This means that your partner is not holding you back and you are not worrying about uncertain relationships in your life; you just do. This may seem obvious, but if the relationship isn't feeling any better, it's time to break it. Only you can know whether it works or not. Ultimately, the decision to stop should come from a feeling of wanting to stop—not because you “should,” says Sirtash. "When it comes to love and relationships, these time frames are arbitrary and often based on other people's ideas of what is right or appropriate."
Many couples live together for a long time, although their love has long died. They constantly feel like they're on the edge of their seats, but for some reason they just can't separate. In fact, relationships without a future only last as long as we allow them to. It just seems that the “fading” union is about to fall apart. “Without five minutes” the gap can take years, or even decades. And time is running out... And the chances of finding happiness, of finding “your” person are becoming less and less. Therefore, you should not hope for “maybe”: that everything will somehow be resolved on its own, or that love will suddenly be resurrected. As soon as you realize that there is no prospect, you need to take all your will into your fist and decisively break the destructive bonds.
One of you wants more from the relationship
While dating is always difficult, sometimes it just plain doesn't work. As much as you can learn from a short-lived college relationship, you can gain a lot from a more meaningful relationship, even if it eventually ends. What you may be missing is what true intimacy and partnership are, Steinberg says. Experiencing a truly loving, emotional commitment to someone else in college is a great training ground. It can help you grow and develop as a whole human being, help develop other aspects of you that are needed when you are in a committed partnership and prepare you for what a long-term commitment is.
How to leave a sick relationship without a future with minimal losses?
Here are some tips from psychologists:
It would be nice to keep a diary and describe in it every day the events of your personal life and the emotions associated with them. How did the quarrel begin, what was its essence, what did they come to in the end, what were the feelings after it? And so on and so forth. After a few weeks, read all your notes and look at the union from the outside. It will seem so pitiful and empty that there will be no doubt about the need for a break.
Of course, a lighter relationship can be great if that's what you really want, but if you feel like you could get more out of being more emotionally connected to someone, you may need to explore that aspect as well.
College is a time for experimentation, especially when it comes to dating and sexuality. If you don't want to be too committed to someone right now, being in a fun, carefree relationship might be just what you need. Whatever you choose, just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons!
Often what keeps people together is simple addiction. To get rid of it, you need to fill your life with personal desires and affairs, separating yourself as much as possible from your partner. Come up with some kind of hobby, engage in social activities, get a pet, etc. Then life after separation will no longer seem so frighteningly empty.
Why is the concept that a man will do his best if he is interested in a future, aka marriage, so difficult for women to believe? Maybe it's because explaining the opposite makes us feel better. What woman wants to believe that she isn't "good enough" for a guy or that he doesn't spend the rest of his life with her? We usually hold on to bad relationships or the sugar of facts because it is ego crushing, heartbreaking, disappointing and downright depressing to think otherwise.
Many women would prefer to remain stagnant, then no relationship at all. Has the thought of being single become so repulsive that we convince ourselves that we'd rather be with someone, even if the relationship never progresses to the next level, then no one? This unhealthy story we tend to tell may seem less painful than the truth, but is it? The older you get, the harder it is to find true love. Why would you want to spend months, perhaps years, with a guy who shows no signs of a permanent future?
It is easier to experience crises in your personal life if you have a true friend nearby. Or better yet, several. You need to take care of their availability in advance. So that there would be someone to cry into the vest later and someone to spend the “single” evenings, weekends and holidays with at first.
Answering the question: “How to get out of a relationship without a future? – experienced people say that the most important thing is to make up your mind. And also - to believe in yourself and in your happiness, which will definitely come when the “ballast” is dropped. And even if it is not yet clear what exactly it will turn out to be, it does not matter. As soon as the “closet” gets rid of old, unnecessary things, new ones will definitely begin to appear in it - favorite and necessary ones. This is the law of life and an immutable truth.
If you really want marriage, then stick with a guy who doesn't have the same vision, will only prolong what you want. I have many friends who are happily married and they all have the same story about how their boyfriends worked hard to make them feel special, knowing they were "the one" and making them their wives. As one of my friends said, “He always did little things to show me that he cared.”
Another friend said that he never played games. Feeling important in a person's life should never feel secondary if they honestly want to build a relationship with you. But luckily for every man who doesn't see you in the long term, there are many more men out there with the potential to be suitable—and you only need one. There are many more signs, however these are some of the best. Do you recognize these signs and be honest with yourself, or do you make excuses to prolong the inevitable grief?
Women often create relationships without the slightest idea of whether there is a prospect in them or not. Usually, simple lust and falling in love, or, as we put it, feelings that arise, are enough.
But if you have read previous blog articles, you know that falling in love passes quite quickly, and then problems and disagreements begin.
Obviously, like most lists, if only one or two situations on this list happened and you haven't been dating for too long, it may not be a complete catastrophic situation with dates to give up. But if a few things on this list resonate with you, buyer beware! Life is too short to hang your hat on Mr.
You don't keep records
When a person invests in you emotionally, mentally, physically and financially - then they are truly investing in you for the long term. This doesn't mean you should expect him to be your sugar daddy or that you should never do anything to make him feel special. This means that a person who cares and can see forever will want to pull out all the stops to hold you and make you feel special.
Women suffer in such situations especially often, as they are trusting by nature and have a large reserve of hope for the best.
Even at the beginning of a relationship, before you end up in bed with your lover, there is an opportunity to get to know a man better, his intentions and plans for your future together.
It often turns out that a man has no intention of starting a family, which means he is not ready or simply refuses to take responsibility. But do you need such a relationship?
Ladies, communication is always important, but many people struggle with it. For many men, their communication technique is their actions and how they treat you. If you think your relationship isn't going to the next level, it might not be. Instead of committing to a relationship that's going nowhere, find a new one with a guy who only sees a long, bright, loving future together. Remember, a guy who really wants to be with you will move heaven and earth to do so.
From parallel worlds
So you wondered if he would call. You asked yourself whether there will be a second date or not. Are you now in a full-blown relationship and all your questions have been answered correctly? Inevitably, one of the most common questions our experts are asked by their joint clients is "will this be the last relationship"? Well, we can't tell you for sure, but what we can do is share some signs of confidence that your relationship will leave you with "no questions asked" in the future. Read on for our top 10 signs your relationship will go the distance.
In order to “avoid stepping on these common mistakes,” you need to learn to recognize relationships without a future.
I knew a woman who cohabited with the same man for quite a long time. He didn't work and didn't have the best lifestyle. She worked hard for two and waited for him to finally improve, call her to marry and their life would become happy.
Research shows that laughter has a positive impact on our physical and mental well-being and can stimulate the release of healthy hormones, endorphins - so it's no surprise that laughing with your other half is on top of many "relationship" experts.
Jokes also help people connect. Sharing a good belly laugh is a great way to improve your work and personal relationships. And from a mental health perspective, research shows that laughter can ease depression and reduce feelings of loneliness.
And what do you think is the end result?
It is not difficult to assume that such a relationship did not end well. They fled, simply losing several years of their lives, living them in vain.
These days, signs of such relationships can be seen everywhere. This again indicates that most of us have no idea at all about what relationships should be, how they should be started, what laws of relationships exist in this world, etc.
No couple should be able to anticipate each other's every need without saying a word. People evolve, and couples who last do not read each other. Instead, they communicate openly with effective communication techniques such as active listening, expressing their own needs and checking in with their partner regularly.
According to Dr. Gab, the transformation of a couple does not merge into “one.” In a healthy relationship, you remain two unique people who together, through your separate identities, form a strong foundation of a relationship that can grow and change over time—you as people will change too.
Especially for women, below are very simple and understandable examples of how to recognize relationships without a future, how to determine that they are futile and meaningless.
Cons of continuing a relationship without a future
- Fading of feelings . A relationship that leads “to nowhere” is not so bad. Sometimes it happens that people who loved each other with all their souls suddenly begin to hate each other with the same force with which they loved. This can be clearly seen in elderly couples of grandparents who do nothing but argue. Sometimes putting an end to such cohabitation is the best way out: at least, the person you once loved will definitely not cause anger.
- Aggression . Where love disappears, indifference, boredom and disrespect appear. If a man (and sometimes a woman, times are advanced now, anything can happen) in principle was not distinguished by a persistent and accommodating disposition, he may begin to have a hand in beating a girl, wife and/or his children. This is the case when you need to run away from a relationship as quickly as possible.
- Parents' disappointment . The longer parents get used to the chosen one of their daughter/son, the longer they will move away from the news that “everything has become bad.” Living by Soviet standards of relationships (where a husband’s alcoholism is not a reason for divorce), they may simply not accept that their sweet daughter (or golden son) is suffering again. On the other hand, this is not yet the most advanced case: there are stories of how parents tried to do something and return their loved one when everything was already over.
- Lack of prospects . Remaining in the “swamp” of a relationship without a future, the guy/girl still excludes himself from the search for a new soulmate. They lose all opportunities to love and be loved again, to find any kind of happiness. However, if people do not strive to find a new soulmate, and they are quite happy with living together for the sake of convenience, you should not blame them - everyone has their own happiness.
- Lack of a “love” atmosphere . This problem is relevant not only for those couples who managed to have children, but primarily for them. A child can be raised physically and morally (and mentally) healthy only in an adequate family where the father and mother love each other. Otherwise, without having an example of a loving relationship before his eyes, the child may grow up socially maladapted or even maladjusted. This problem may seem funny, but psychologists who then help such children reflect on their childhood problems as adults do not consider it such.
Conversations about the past day3
Couples who are doing well always talk about their day. Pay attention to whether the guy tells you about what happened at work (study, fishing, training). Be that as it may, after spending the entire day away from you, he definitely has something to share.
If he refuses to share events from his life with you, your relationship has no future. He just doesn't take you seriously and, of course, doesn't consider you his soulmate.
It should not be ruled out that there are days when he is simply not in the mood and he does not want to discuss the events of the past day. But, if all this happens on a regular basis, it clearly indicates that he does not consider your relationship serious.
Even DNA influences a couple's compatibility
American psychologist Daniel Goleman conducted a study of several thousand couples to find common signs that determine whether two people have a chance of a future together.
According to the results, with a probability of 93%, couples in which one or both partners separated within several years:
- often criticized and devalued each other;
- showed disrespect for the values of another;
- were closed;
- or one of the partners could not exist independently and needed the other.
By the way, a great many studies of relationships in couples have been conducted, and everything that does not affect their prospects!
For example, DNA, conflict resolution scenarios, passion or lack thereof at the beginning of a relationship, and even the cost of an engagement ring. Much of this research can be viewed with understandable irony. Well, with some sadness: humanity has long been looking for an answer to the question of how to live forever, and also how to live “happily ever after” with anyone.
With all this, the results of Goleman’s research, as well as the concepts of famous psychologists and philosophers from Langlet and Nancy McWilliams to Fromm and Tillich, are similar.
Relationships have a future if:
- they involve two self-sufficient people who are able to satisfy their needs independently. A partner is not needed as a “crutch”, a function (sex, money, protection, etc.) or a cure for frightening loneliness, or because “everyone has had a family for a long time, but I haven’t.” With another you want to experience togetherness, to be close.
- For both, it is unacceptable to devalue another person, his feelings, thoughts. Respect and mutual interest are important.
- partners are open to expressing feelings, problems, conflicts, ready to express themselves and share.
We are no more: do not devalue relationships!
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Parting with any person with whom you had a really close relationship is always, if not painful and sad, then at least sad and painful. If a separation, breakup, divorce, farewell (departure for a long time) passes without much sadness, sorrow, or regret, this means that there was never any intimacy in the relationship.
When people break up with their partners - it doesn’t matter on whose initiative the breakup occurs, who is the “lefter” and who is the “left one” - in any case, both experience it. It is impossible to do otherwise when it comes to human affection.
At this moment they lose something that they were used to, that was dear, that created some meaning. And even if new meanings have appeared - in fact, thanks to which the reformatting of relationships occurs (which includes a break in the existing form) - this does not mean that people will not experience the loss of old meanings, the loss of what was.
Why is it so difficult to get over a breakup?
When we break up with someone with whom we spent some time, our life must change quite dramatically, and maintain a state of uncertainty for some time. Such a suspended state. If in ordinary life everything changes, but very gradually, “drop by drop,” then when we part with loved ones, these changes are much more noticeable, more clearly visible and more intensely experienced.
Even if this person is “a fiend of hell, and I put up with him for so long, and now finally”, life will still be different, and certain different experiences will take place.
Sometimes people break up and pretend that they are not worried at all and that they “kind of don’t care.” But this cannot be true, only if there was no relationship at all, as I described at the beginning of the article.
One of the defense mechanisms of the psyche is to deceive yourself and pretend that there are no experiences. In fact, this aggravates the situation, delaying the undertaking and forming an unconscious fixation - the brain will send all sorts of signals: something has not been lived through - in dreams, in obsessive thoughts about this person, etc.
Often, after a breakup, it may seem to us that everything, nothing else in our life will be good, we will no longer build close, trusting relationships with anyone, the brain paints completely gloomy pictures.
But these are just such fantasies, because we, in fact, cannot know what will happen next - including that there will be “nothing” or that there will be “only everything is bad.” In such thoughts, the psyche tries to survive this loss, “burn through” what happened, and return the value to the lived experience.
It is important - under no circumstances - not to stop the experiences associated with the breakup of relationships - not to try to isolate yourself from them, but on the contrary - to accept this as a necessary stage, to be in melancholy, emptiness, sadness and regret. After all, during a breakup there is always regret: something didn’t work out, something didn’t work out, something went wrong. I wanted it and it didn’t come true. It's always about losing some of the expectations and aspirations invested in the relationship.
Parting is a little death
This is absolutely true. We symbolically die in the past in order to be reborn in some new quality - in the future. And in this future we will already be different people - people who have experienced a breakup.
Sometimes, to make it easier to cope with a breakup, people begin to devalue the experience of the relationship. “There was nothing good in this relationship,” “it’s not something worth paying attention to.” By devaluing the experience, the brain seems to be trying to erase it from life, so that there is nothing to worry about!
But in reality, devaluing the relationship experience never helps, it only helps to deceive yourself for a while.
After all, we cannot cross out and forget any experience of our life, sensually - it remains in the cells of our body and it is almost impossible to “erase” it from there. To cope with loss, it is important to restore value to the experience that was lived. Even if this experience was difficult and ambiguous, it was yours, and you chose every minute of time to be there, with this person, doing exactly these things.
What is important to do to get over a breakup?
1. Sometimes it seems that after a breakup everything will “disappear.” For example, you will no longer be able to talk, share your feelings with the person you are breaking up with, and he will forever remain “closed” to you. Sometimes there are such cases, but for the most part, there is always an opportunity to reach out and talk. Try to agree with your partner about the possibility of contacting each other if necessary - just pick up the phone, dial the number and talk, understand that no one has died, that not everything is so total and hopeless.
2. Talk about your feelings to close friends, people who can listen to you and be present. Ask not to give you advice or criticize your actions, but to simply be present and be there, this is the most healing thing that can happen to you during this period.
3. When experiencing a breakup, many strong experiences often arise, sometimes contradictory. It can be anger and joy at the same time, relief and loneliness, resentment, sadness, melancholy and some satisfaction and a sense of freedom. Try to identify exactly what feelings and states you are experiencing, and for what reason. For example, resentment - because I planned one thing, but received something completely different from my partner, loneliness - because I now need to get used to falling asleep alone, and so on.
4. Try to talk about how important and valuable the person you are breaking up with was for you. Try to give it back value, even if it seems impossible. Try to understand what this relationship gave you, what it taught you, what it supported you in.
5. If you are the “left behind” party, try to negotiate with your partner about some kind of compensation - something important for you for him to do. For example, I would buy something as a gift. This, of course, will not replace the loss, but it will partially warm you. Sometimes, of course, you want to not accept anything out of strong resentment, but in reality, it’s better to still allow your partner to somehow express his gratitude for the time spent together. After all, everyone has the right to initiate a separation, no matter how painful it may be for the other.
6. Also, if you are the “leaving” party, there may be feelings of guilt or regret, and you can also offer some kind of compensation, some kind of gesture of goodwill.
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