Sex after marriage: advice from a sexologist

Many couples admit: after the wedding, when the passport is already stamped, the excitement has subsided, and the relationship has reached a new level, passion and romance also disappear somewhere. Don't want your honeymoon to pass without vivid emotions and sensual sex scenes? We have collected advice from sexologists on how to avoid this.

Don't forget about affection

In the daily bustle, we begin to forget about kisses, hugs, and touches. And all of these are components of physical affection for a person, which is so necessary in family relationships. Be gentle and affectionate with your loved ones: hug, kiss, hold hands, confess your love, as at the dawn of your relationship. Of course, this should be done not “for show,” but at the behest of the heart. If you have stopped being kind to your partner, and your attraction has waned, this is a reason to discuss everything and, probably, contact a psychologist or sexologist.

No schedule

Do you refuse sex because you are tired, have a headache, are not in the mood, or don’t have enough time? Often, for married couples, intimacy fades into the background, and sex begins to be perceived as a marital duty. Certain hours are set aside for him in the break between work, household chores and sleep, and if it is not possible to allocate time for lovemaking, none of the spouses is particularly upset. Sounds dull, right? Try to prevent this from happening: force yourself to have sex at any time, even when you feel uncomfortable or don’t seem to be in the right mood. Appetite comes with eating and you will definitely start enjoying yourself in the process.

Be honest

Many couples are embarrassed to talk about sex (although they are not embarrassed to have it) and engage each other in their fantasies, and this is a real problem. By keeping silent about our desires, we lose every opportunity to make them come true. Have an evening of revelations: write down three of your wildest erotic fantasies on a piece of paper and ask your other half to do the same. If nothing immediately comes to mind, turn on a movie for adults and fill your glass with sparkling wine - it’s great inspiration!

Try new things

You didn't think that you would have sex according to the same scenario for many, many years? Even if you are a terrible conservative and monogamous, sooner or later you will become bored in the bedroom, and this is a direct path to problems in family relationships. So don't be afraid to experiment and try new things! Fight shyness: after all, you are already husband and wife, which means it’s time to stop being afraid of parental anger.

What can you try?

• New poses: for those who are strong in yoga, the Kama Sutra is suitable. The rest can be inspired by erotic films.
• Role-playing games: This can be very, very exciting, especially if you buy themed costumes.
• Sex toys: You don't even have to go to an adult store, although that's an adventure in itself - everything can be ordered online.
• Different types of sex.

Experiment with places

Sexologists warn: to keep the fire of your feelings burning as long as possible, make the bedroom a sacred place. Create a special intimate atmosphere: soft, dark colors in the interior, a comfortable large bed, dim lighting, candles and aromatic oils will turn an ordinary room into a space for intimacy. Don't take a laptop or tablet to bed - don't bother with work when your loved one is at arm's length. By the way, the bedroom should not be the only place for love. From time to time, it is useful to diversify your intimate life with sex in other rooms: in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the living room, maybe even on the balcony. The bravest ones can try sex in a car and in the open air (of course, without anyone noticing you) - a deserted beach, a yacht on the open sea or the roof of a building will give you unique sensations and memories!

Give foreplay its due

We are used to thinking that the main goal of lovemaking is orgasm or at least penetration. Sexologists say that this is not true at all. The main goal is closeness, intimacy and mutual satisfaction. So, if for some reason you don’t want sex directly, you can turn caresses and foreplay into a separate act and enjoy them to the fullest.

Don't forget about your image

Wear what makes you feel hot. If you are in a bad mood, tired and lost passion, it's time to go shopping. Nice lingerie, tight jeans or high heels will help you regain your confidence, courage and desire to play around.

Maintain the temperature throughout the day

• Even if you work and don’t see your loved one all day, this is not a reason to forget about sex until the evening. On the contrary, it is better to maintain the temperature so that after a working day you can’t wait to get to the bedroom as soon as possible.
• Send each other messages with spicy offers and ideas for a wild evening.
• Send half-naked photos to each other.
• Post links to explicit shots, erotic videos and interesting articles about sex.

“Having sex in a box” or Is there sex after?.. After 35 years? After the wedding? After 50?

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Is there sex after marriage? You're already laughing. Of course have! And in three years? And in 10? And in 20? If we get lucky? Well, not quite.

A variety of couples and individuals come to me, but the majority (about 80 percent) are interested in relationships and sex. “I have a wonderful wife, she is a very good person and a true friend, but we haven’t slept together for 10 years,” “My husband and I have been together for 30 years, he blows away specks of dust from me, but I would give anything to be like that again.” I was drawn to him as before. And what I want most after our intimacy is to lock myself in the bathroom. Just like a joke." “Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t care about me. It's not that it's indifferent, everything works, all the buttons are pressed and sounds are made. But she’s not there.”

It's not just about married couples, it's about any couple, because sex is what draws us into a relationship and keeps the relationship alive. But what is “good sex”?

If we leaf through a pile of glossy magazines, books “help yourself”, “find a lotus flower and hide it away”, think about the ideas and images that cinema and television bring down on us, then it turns out that good sex is spontaneous sex, absolutely mutual , enchanting, and that the best sex happens at the beginning of a relationship.

In fact, surveys tell us that in real life, not in the land of pink unicorns, those in long-term relationships, those who can freely talk to each other about their sex lives (and more), make love much more often and with more pleasure than new couples and more emotionally closed couples (apparently, those who firmly believe in the need for riddles and secrets in relationships). In the real world, the quality of our sex is not determined by new positions read in the latest version of the Kama Sutra and not by fashionable sexual “tricks” from yesterday’s Cosmopolitan. The essence is the reliability and security of the attachment that we experience for each other. Emotional involvement and trust are the best aphrodisiacs.

Close relationships among mammals are built on attachment. For example, the mother-child relationship (sorry dads, there is a connection here too, but for simplicity I’m talking about the mother), where the connection arises and is reinforced against the backdrop of a cocktail of hormones, care and social expectations. Or a relationship in a couple, where the connection is formed in exactly the same way. I have not yet seen a single happy couple with a destroyed sexual component. Let’s not talk about asexuals now, especially since I haven’t seen a single one alive. Sexuality in a couple is not only and not so much the quantity and quality of acts, it is rather a field of constant eroticism, glances of touch, care. I really love the phrase “When you love a person, everything is sex with him.” This is true.

Researchers studying the art of love through the prism of affection offer us three options for sexual relationships:

1. Sealed sex, or as one of my clients defined it, “Fuck in a box.”

Here we are talking about relieving sexual tension, achieving orgasm and becoming a “sex virtuoso.” The main thing in this sex is animal sensuality (in the good sense of the word), the more games the better, and the slogan “I’m waiting for you hot and wet” or, accordingly, “big and hard.” Everything is in plain text, without equivocations, circumlocutions or discrepancies. Relationships have nothing to do with it. For one night - a very good option. But if you are in a long-term relationship, then this is bad news. For men, this is somehow easier. Their path from arousal to orgasm is usually straight and well-trodden. But for women, the road to great sex is more tortuous, they get aroused longer (not all, many women have periods when this happens instantly) and to enjoy sex they often need to “sing along” with their partner.

So, “fuck in a box” is a great option for a one-time adventure. If only because its main engine is novelty. It is also beautiful as a kind of “flash” in a long-term relationship, an amazing episode from a porn film in a family series. But if this kind of sex is the norm for you, there is most likely something wrong with the relationship. Such impersonal sex makes the partner feel used and leaves him emotionally alone.

Our mammalian brains are designed in such a way that regular physical contact triggers a craving for emotional intimacy. If there is no intimacy, we are overwhelmed by a feeling of loneliness and loss. “When we make love, it seems to me that anyone could be in my place,” or as one of my clients said, “It’s an eerie feeling when you realize that a person is just trying to cum on you.” If this happens in a long-term relationship, then such sex only strengthens the feeling that you mean nothing to your partner. At the same time, the second partner may also want emotional intimacy; he feels that they are somehow not together and tries to compensate for this with sex. Literally get as close as possible and penetrate into the very depths. At the same time, he does not feel safe enough to do it for real, at all levels, and surrenders to the will of technical execution. It's a pity. Turning off the “emotions” button greatly impoverishes eroticism.

2. “And I can still do this.” Just do not go away".

This is what we do instead of ordinary love when we are not sure of the strength of the connection and that our partner is truly with us. We need confirmation and evidence all the time. If we worry about whether our partner is reliable, whether we can afford to depend on him when necessary, we fall into a trap. All the time I want to “give him fabulous sex.” But this does not happen from overcrowding and from what you really want, but from fear. Fear and uncertainty that you are an exclusive option for him. Just because you are you. Such women make up 98% of the audience for trainings such as “The Perfect Blowjob”, “33 Positions, After Which He’s Yours Forever”, etc. and so on.

Listen to yourself. Symptoms may include excessive lisp with which we treat our partners. The desire to surround him/her with constant care, to please everywhere, including in sex. Sometimes it’s so sweet that the “meme meter” just goes off scale. In general, if in your relationships you often have the feeling that you are trying too hard and are constantly “standing on tiptoes,” it would be a good idea to look at what is going on with your partner’s reliability and the security of the relationship. Tenderness and care are wonderful, but if you neglect yourself in relationships and sex (as long as he/she is satisfied), you can at the same time forget about real eros, which feeds and drives love.

If sex serves as proof of the reliability of our relationship, then we become incredibly sensitive to rejection. If your loved one says, “I’m not in the mood for something today,” then you can react calmly: “It’s a shame, but I’m already in that mood, but not the last time. And today you can solve a couple of crossword puzzles.” Or you can fall into “catastrophic thinking”: “God, God, she doesn’t love me anymore!” As a result, we begin to put pressure on our partner to get sex as further proof that we are loved. Or we begin to find out long and tediously, “What’s wrong? Are you no longer attracted to me?

If this sounds like your type of sexual relationship, it's time to talk to your partner about your concerns and find other options to feel safe.

3. Sex with a human face.

This is probably what we, repeating after the Americans, call “making love.” There is emotional openness, sensitivity, gentle touches, and erotic experiments. This kind of sex energizes, brings pleasure and connects. The key to it is not exotic sexual techniques, but a safe emotional connection. The more confident and secure we feel with this partner, the easier it is to open up, say what you like and what you don’t, the easier it is to play and surrender to sexual sensations. We tune into each other in this dance, feeling the inner state of our partner and responding to waves of excitement and relaxation. Emotional security creates physiological synchronization, and the feeling of magical congruence with a partner fuels the feeling of emotional security.

Mutual sex deepens and strengthens our connection with our loved one, nourishes our own feeling of “I am wanted, I am desired.” This makes sex a completely accessible source of sensuality and pleasure. By the way, studies report that those who believe that their partner is with them not only physically, but also emotionally, those who talk about the reliability of the emotional connection, indulge in love much more often and with greater pleasure.

“Emotional presence” is the most important thing in a relationship. Whether we're talking about friendship, sex or parent-child relationships. Is he/she here for me? Can he hear me? Do we have the patience to hear? Or “Don’t fool me, be specific?”, “As much as possible, tell me clearly what you want?” As much as I am against telepathy in relationships, but with close people sometimes you have to arm yourself with something elusive like telepathy or intuition.

The main thing is to understand that one does not cancel the other. The fact that sometimes in a situation it is first of all worth feeling the pain, resentment, confusion or fear of another and telling him about it, does not negate the solution to the problem at a specific level. It’s just that not everyone is immediately involved in solving the problem. Many people have a completely natural stage of “What a horror! Everything is gone!”, “No, not this!” or any other purely emotional reaction. It makes sense to just be with this, to share these feelings and sometimes wait it out. Which, of course, requires strength and patience.

This has a lot to do with sex. Sex without emotional presence in a long-term relationship is more likely to destroy than to bind. Different couples come to me. And most of them behave the same in bed as in life. Someone is trying to “solve problems” first of all. “Doctor, tell him/her that THIS (any “trick” that causes disagreement among partners) is normal/abnormal!” “Can you prescribe something for us to have sex more often?” And what? They came to a specialist, he knows for sure.

Someone is trying to “pump up their rights” there too, someone is taking out their anger on the world around them in bed, someone is looking for salvation from fear. All this happens to many of us one way or another. And I don’t have any pills for this. Together we can try to understand what is happening and then the person can decide to do something differently. And I will be here to hear and support, or, conversely, to put up a mirror in which a person can finally see his Shadow.

It's funny and sad to see how people think that sex is something separate, and not what their relationships were born from and what they largely rest on. That precious force of attraction, without which two people are carried to different directions of the Universe.

The blog uses materials and work from Sue Johnson, the creator of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), which I often use in working with couples, and the author of the book, which in Russian translation is called “Hold Me Tight.”

The next webinar of our project “Second Attempt” is on July 12 at 20:00 Moscow time.
“Intimacy in new relationships. What we don't talk about." Presenter: family therapist Lina Lifshits-Rozin. AZ Psychotherapy | Promote Your Page Too